Thizz, a Love Story, page 27
“I got into Stanford.” He even allowed himself a small smile. He ran his hand through his hair twice and said, “Do you know what this means?”
I knew what it meant for Nick, an education, a chance at a real future.
“I’ll be closer to you, nothing has to change.” He leaned in close so our faces were just inches away. I thought he might kiss me, and for the first time ever, I hoped he wouldn’t.
I don’t know if it was the drugs that kept us together or just the fact that he loved the man that killed my parents that was pushing us apart. Nick was my first love. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for him to be my only love. I looked into his hopeful eyes, and I knew what I had to say.
“Nick, I love you.” Tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes.
He whispered I love you then brushed his lips across mine. I felt my heart flutter as if this were our first kiss and not our last.
It took a lot to pull away from his mouth. He recovered quickly from my rejection and moved back to his side of the car. I touched my fingers to my lips to soothe the burning. I wouldn’t let my heart or my desires cloud what I had to say. “I just don’t know if being together is the best thing right now.”
Nick looked at me, confused and embarrassed. “What are you trying to say?”
I didn’t want to lose the moment to hostility, but I knew from the tone of his voice it was too late.
“It’s going to be a huge change for both of us. The stress of trying to make this work will only make things harder.” The weight of my words felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on the car.
“You don’t want to be with me?” His words cut through me. There was truth in what he was saying, no matter how I sugar coated it. Even as I formed the words and spoke them aloud, I lied to myself about their meaning. Watching Nick’s reaction was forcing me to accept the fact that I was breaking up with him.
Nick pressed on the gas, and the roar of his engine echoed down the street. “I gotta go.” He looked straight ahead, gripping the wheel, waiting for me to get out. I lifted the lock and pulled the handle until the heavy metal door clicked open. He pressed the gas again, and the smell of exhaust crept in the open door. I didn’t hide the tear that escaped down my cheek.
“I love you, Dani.” His words surprised me. He could have been cruel. I deserved it.
“I love you too,” I told him, then forced myself out of the car.
I watched him fly down the street, barely stopping at the sign before disappearing around the corner with no promise to see him later, no assurance that he’d call.
I was addicted to Nick, addicted to his touch, his smell, his essence. I let his life become mine, and when he wasn’t around, I turned to ecstasy. In the same way thizz is a drug, Nick was a drug to me. Just like thizz, I had to stop using Nick.
Another day I could have used a pill was the day I found out they were seizing my parents’ assets. The confession Will Walker gave the police regarding my father being paid to lose Devon Brown’s case launched a full investigation into my father’s finances. Apparently tax evasion is looked upon more sternly than drug dealing and robbery. Some of the criminals my father’s old clients are in trouble again and were offered leniency for their cooperation in proving a dead man was a crook. I don’t care what they say about my father or what kind of man they want to paint him as. He will always be the patient man that taught me how to write my name. The person that soothed me when I was sick and made midnight runs to the store to get me orange juice. He was the only person on earth that could make my perfect hot dog.
Now that the IRS is involved, it’s only a matter of time before they start to seize property, so today I’m going back to my old home to salvage whatever personal belongings I can. Lucy and I decided an estate sale would be a great way to earn some extra money for school. My parents did have a small life insurance policy that helped pay the rent on my apartment, but it won’t last forever. I need to find another way to survive without taking money from Lucy and Johnson. They have their own family to support, and no matter how hard they insist on helping, I won’t let them.
My childhood home is just a short walk from where I live now. I’ve managed to avoid going near the street ever since I’ve moved back. Just like I’ve avoided going anywhere near Will Walker’s bar. He’s in prison, but I don’t think I can stand looking at the spot where Arnie was shot.
I decide to leave my Arnie at home; he’s had enough exercise for the day. When I begin my ascent up Green Street, my calves start to burn. A feeling so familiar it’s like the sound of my mother’s laugh. It’s been too long since I made this trek, and I’m winded when I reach the top. I pull out my key and insert it into the lock. I turn left and jiggle the handle until the lock clicks open. The smell of cinnamon and citrus potpourri fills the air. I knew Lucy was paying someone to maintain the house, but I didn’t realize she told them to follow all the same protocols down to the air freshener. Just as I’m about to close the door, I hear Matt’s car coming up the street.
He pulls in front of the house and parks. Matt jumps out, proudly sporting his Stanford colors. “Hey you,” he says and scoops me into his arms. I don’t realize how much I’ve missed him until this moment. I whisper I miss you in his ear and kiss his cheek.
He pulls back and smiles. “Me too.”
Nick is standing behind him, waiting to greet me. Things were awkward when he first moved to Santa Clara. Especially because the day Nick arrived was also the same day I was going to spend the night with Matt.
Matt and I made a pact to hang out at least once a month. The first time he came to see me was right after Heather moved in. Her parents agreed to let her live with me after Lucy promised to get Heather an internship once she completed her first year in the nursing program at USF. She pays half the rent and utilities, and she doesn’t mind doing the dishes.
The weekend Matt came to visit me, it was pouring rain. We spent the entire night watching MTV and eating pizza. After he made his nightly call to Ashely, well, our issues didn’t really seem that important. Matt’s parents found out Ashely was sick during spring break, but she didn’t want to tell Matt, not until after he graduated. She didn’t want to ruin his senior year with her problems. It was even her idea to buy Matt the Mustang. His parents moved to Colorado right after graduation. There is a specialist that’s had some success with her type of leukemia. She’s responding really well to treatment. Matt is going to see her for Christmas. If I can afford it, I might go with him.
When it was my turn to visit, I couldn’t wait for the chance to be alone with him. I was hoping to finally see if my feelings were real.
I stepped off the train with my backpack over my shoulder and a little travel bag in my hand. Although I’d slept at his house before, this was without a doubt different. It was just me and Matt, no Nick and no thizz.
I could barely contain my enthusiasm and practically mowed down an old man as I ran down the platform towards the parking lot. The cloud I was riding on suddenly disappeared when I saw Nick standing beside Matt. It was a lot like the first time I’d met them in the parking lot at school. Except they were leaning against Matt’s Mustang, and this time Matt stepped up. He greeted me with a hug and a soft kiss on the cheek. I didn’t know if Nick understood why I was there or knew I was coming to spend the night with Matt. I was mortified. Matt quickly explained that Nick had driven down that afternoon and moved into the dorms. From the pained look on Nick’s face, I was sure his presence wasn’t his idea at all. It was Matt’s. It was the first time we’d seen each other since he drove away from Lucy’s. I hadn’t spoken to him on the phone or even exchanged a text.
We left the train station and went straight to a college-friendly pub. After a few shots of Patron and a lot of beer, the reason for my visit was forgotten. The three of us were just old friends hanging out. We were on our fourth or fifth shot when Matt made a toast.
“May the best man win,” he slurred and lifted his glass. The table fell silent, then I burst out laughing. I’m not sure why. Nick and Matt clinked their glasses and nodded to each other as if accepting the challenge. I told myself they weren’t talking about me and took my shot, followed by two more.
Other than a few melancholy moments when Arnie’s name was mentioned, it was a light-hearted reunion. Until we went back to Matt’s room. We were falling up the stairs, clinging to each other for support as Matt fought to get his key in the door.
“Dude, come on,” Nick yelled a little too loudly.
“Shh! I almost got it,” Matt slurred and refocused on the lock.
“Let’s just go to my room.” Nick pointed to his door down the hall.
I didn’t really understand why he was pointing it out to me until I felt his hand slide down my back. Shit.
When Matt finally opened the door, we didn’t think about what came next. We fell into the room and stood uncomfortably in the cramped space, staring at the twin bed. I was horrified at the thought of Nick leaving me and Matt alone. When Matt made a bad joke about what side of the bed I preferred, I grabbed my bag and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and escape the awkwardness. My mind was foggy from the alcohol, and I was starting to feel a bit dizzy. I couldn’t choose between them, not that I had a choice about who I would sleep with. I hoped they weren’t flipping a coin to see who got me. I decided I would tell them I would take the bed and they could sleep on the floor. I opened the door, ready to state my proposition, only to find Matt and Nick passed out on the bed. Joining them wasn’t an option. So I fished the keys from Nick’s jacket and went to his room. It was dark and messy with boxes, but I found the bed under a pile of clothes and passed out.
A few hours later I woke to the sound of the lock clicking open. I felt a cold chill run through me. I knew Will Walker was in jail, but I have this fear that one of his crew will come after me. The thought made my already weak stomach turn. My entire body tensed until I recognized the tall, muscular figure moving in the darkness. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to be alone with him. I closed my eyes and moved my head so the comforter shielded my face.
Nick made his way around the room. He was going through the boxes. Looking for something. The longer he stayed, the more I felt myself wanting to say something. The light from the hall was shining into the room. I peeked from under the covers and saw him pull his shirt off. I started to wonder if he was really looking for something to wear or was hoping I’d invite him to stay. He moved into the light and I stared at the muscles that rippled down his back. Just as I was starting to cave, he pulled a shirt over his head and left.
The next morning we had breakfast, and they drove me to the train. The weekend couldn’t have turned out any better. I had my two best friends back.
“Hi Nick, thanks for coming.” I leave Matt’s arms and go to him.
“You know I’ll always be here for you.” His arms, the shape of his body, the curve of his neck are so familiar to me. Hugging him is like going home. When I feel his lips on my cheek, I break away.
“Let’s go.” I take a deep breath, and I lead them into my childhood home.
It is exactly as we left it. The pillows on the sofa are perfectly aligned, and the curtains are pulled back just enough to let the afternoon sun brighten the room. I round the corner and peek into the kitchen, almost certain I’d find my mother standing at the counter pouring a glass of wine. The sight of her apron hanging on the hook next to the refrigerator gives me chills.
“Is this you?” Nick asks from the hall. Seeing the silhouette of Matt and Nick in my hallway is very surreal. Something I never thought possible. It’s like seeing a fish breathe out of water. I smile at the picture near Nick’s head. It was taken when I had just learned to walk.
“Jeez you were fat,” Matt teases. “Your mom must have put you on baby Weight Watchers.”
“Shut up.” I sock Matt in the arm and push them both out of the way. “It’s right here.” I point to the handle protruding from the ceiling. Nick barely has to tiptoe to reach it. He yanks on the handle and the hydraulic ladder unfolds in front of us.
They both marvel at the hidden door. Boys are so easy to impress.
The cobwebs and stale air of the attic overpower me. I pull my shirt over my mouth and swat at the webs until I reach the trunk.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving everything behind. I mean, you don’t even want the flat screen?” Matt asks in disbelief.
“I’m not leaving it behind. I’m selling it. I need the money.” The statement causes an awkward silence to fill the small, dusty space.
“Will you help me with this please?” I kick the trunk, and a lifetime of dust falls to the ground around our feet.
Matt and Nick pull the trunk to the middle of the attic and turn on the overhead light.
“What’s in it?” Nick asks as I open the lock.
The combination is my birth month, my mother’s day, and my father’s year. I recall the day he dragged me up here to teach it to me. He had me open the lock at least a dozen times. “My whole life,” I tell him as the lock clicks open. “All of my baby pictures and videos, old report cards and medical records. My mother called it my hope chest.”
Nick places his hand on my back and kisses the top of my head. This is hard. But them being here helps. We get through the top layer of the chest, pulling out old Halloween costumes and Christmas dresses. There’s a stack of photo albums and an old video marked “Best day of my life” in my father’s writing.
“Hmmm, wonder what this could be?” Matt holds the video up.
“It’s their wedding video, perv.” I snatch it from him and drop it into the chest. It makes a hollow sound when it hits the bottom.
Nick looks into the chest, then runs his hand along the side. “This chest has to be at least twenty inches deep. This can’t be the bottom.”
Matt looks over the side. “You’re right. This metal plate was screwed in.” He points to some brackets. The boys look at each other with mysterious grins. Matt and Nick scour the attic until they find an old tool kit.
“What’s the big deal?” I stand over the chest, protecting it. “What are you doing?”
Nick drops to his knees with a screw driver and starts removing the screws holding in the makeshift bottom.
“Wait.” I grab Matt’s hand when he reaches for the metal plate. “What if I’m not supposed to see what’s in there?”
“You said your parents saved this trunk for you, right?” Nick kisses my hand.
“Yes.” I shy away from his show of affection. Their little game of winning me over makes me uncomfortable at times. It’s just a game they play to make me blush.
“Then they wouldn’t put anything in here they didn’t want you to see,” Nick says.
“Yeah,” Matt agrees. “I’m sure they didn’t stash their honeymoon video in here or anything.”
He’s right. “Ok.” I sit back and let them remove the bottom.
Matt lifts the large metal plate and a low whistle escapes Nick’s lips. They look at each other with matching smiles.
“What is it?” I kneel over the chest and look inside. Even though this confirms every horrible thing the media and the police are saying about my father, a slow smile spreads across my face.
My mother called it my hope chest because one day she hoped to fill it with things I would use when I had a family. Only it isn’t filled with linens and china. It’s filled with perfectly stacked hundred dollar bills.
Like I said before, I couldn’t count on my father for much, but when he came through, he came through big.
A big, fat, thank you to all the people that helped me research this book. To the laughs, the smiles, the good times that helped birth this story and inspired me to put down my drink and write! To long weekends in Tahoe and crazy all-nighters in Sac. To music festivals and Halloween parties. But most of all to anyone that ever hugged me at three in the morning. To my family for eating a lot of pizza for dinner and putting up with all my bullshit. Thank you.
Nicole Loufas is a San Francisco native. She loves books, music festivals, and bloody mary’s. She prefers gin to wine, and hates the smell of fried fish. Thizz, A Love Story is her first novel. To find out more visit: nicoleloufas.com
Nicole Loufas, Thizz, a Love Story
