Thizz, a Love Story, page 12
K shakes his head. "No way, this is Nick’s rule.”
All eyes turn to Nick. His face is expressionless.
"Nick," I say quietly and reach for his hand. I need to know what he’s thinking.
Nick pulls his hand free and runs it through his hair. "Arnie's right, we decided to play.”
“That’s bullshit,” Matt yells. "Arnie made up his own dare!"
I reach for Nick again. This time he takes my hand and squeezes it tight before letting go.
Matt drops to his knees beside Nick. "Dude, it’s not right.”
Nick stares into the fire, rolling his beer bottle between his hands.
“Man up, Matt. Nick said it was cool. Hell, I’d kiss her.” Arnie laughs as he punches Matt in the back.
“Then you should’ve kissed her instead of running around here naked, dipshit!” Matt chucks a handful of sand. Arnie turns away and takes the brunt of it on the side of his head. He doesn’t respond to Matt’s hostility. He just puts his arm around Heather and smiles. Heather might as well be screaming with joy, it’s so obvious she wants this to happen. If I kiss Matt, all gloves are off. Anything goes. So much for Heather being my ally.
“Nick, you’re seriously cool with this?” K isn’t really buying Nick’s calm exterior. Neither am I.
"Yeah, it doesn't mean anything, right Matt?” Nick locks eyes with Matt.
Matt looks at Nick then looks at me. “Nope.”
My jaw drops. Is this really happening? I should object. I should say something. But I don’t.
Nick turns to me. "Dani, don't worry about it." He pats my hand. “It’s just a game.”
I look from my hand in Nick’s to Heather. She’s got a front-row seat to my humiliation.
"Alright. Nick ruled—do it," Arnie demands.
My eyes dart from Heather’s traitorous glare to Matt. He looks at Nick then back to me and suppresses a smile. He rubs his hand over his face as if he’s wiping the grin away. My heart races at the small evidence of betrayal that crosses his face. He wants to kiss me.
I can pretend to be upset, disgusted, and embarrassed, but inside I have a small smile of my own. I make my away around Nick to kneel in front of Matt. The only sound in the air is the crackling fire and the pounding, relentless waves crashing behind me. Matt lifts his hand to my cheek and my lips part. I close my eyes as he leans in and places his mouth on mine. Glorious sensations flood my body. His tongue slips into my mouth and I open my eyes. It’s strange to see someone other than Nick so closely, but I’m grateful it’s Matt and not one of the other guys. After a few seconds, Matt opens his eyes and jerks away, like he just woke from a bad dream. We quickly break apart and look around, waiting for someone to speak. Nobody does. They looked stunned, like they can’t believe we went through with it. I know I am. We return to our spots on either side of Nick. I don’t have the courage to look at Nick. If he’s hurt, I don’t want to see it. If he’s angry, I can’t deal with it. I figure it’s best to sit back and avoid any further despair.
The game is less light-hearted now. The fun and laughter are gone as we all silently plot our next move. Nick flips the coin—another dare.
How many dares is that now?
He spins the bottle; it makes two turns and lands on me. I look at Arnie, already feigning boredom as he leans onto Heather's shoulder and pretends to fall asleep. I don't want to be responsible for slowing the pace of the game. Other than having sex with Nick in front of everyone, I can’t think of anything else I can do to make Arnie happy. I rack my brain for movies I've seen, trying to pull something from my subconscious. Unfortunately, my brain is mush at the moment. Then it comes to me. My heart sinks as soon as I realize what I’m about to say. I cover my face with my hands and grind my teeth.
I don’t want to do this. I have to. I have no choice. It’s just a game.
"Nick.” I look at Arnie when I say his name, waiting for his reaction. He raises an eyebrow at me and snickers when I hesitate. “Nick, I dare you to kiss me and Heather at the same time."
Arnie’s mouth forms an ‘o’, then he looks at Matt. They fall back into the sand, bulldozed by my dare. K even looks impressed. I finally turn to Nick. He runs his hand through his hair and smiles at the boys. His casual demeanor enrages me. His arrogant grin infuriates me. After he’s done fixing his hair, he looks at me, leans in close, and whispers, “I love you.”
My mouth falls open. He loves me. Nick Marino loves me. I don’t even have time to respond. Heather quickly appears at Nick’s side. I won’t dare let her get the first move, not now, not with the boy who loves me. I kiss Nick on the cheek and slowly make my way to his mouth. Heather follows my lead on the other side. We time it perfectly and meet at Nick's lips. He makes a few movements with his mouth but lets us do the rest. Nick runs his hand down my back and pleasure floods my body, until I feel Heather slide her tongue across Nick’s lips. I back away in disgust, allowing her full access to his mouth. When I see his lips reach for hers, I pull Nick away. “That’s it!” I point for Heather to move back to her side of the circle and resist the urge to slap the smug look off her face. Then I take Nick's face in my hands and give him a long, deep kiss. The guys whistle and cheer me on.
"Go Dani!" I hear Arnie say.
"You lucky bastard," K adds.
I sit back down, satisfied and somewhat heartbroken.
Nick squeezes my hand and kisses my cheek. “You’re amazing, Dani.” He puts his forehead to mine and my heart melts. I feel like I haven't spoken a word to Nick all night. I need to process everything that’s happened, so I ask him to walk me to the bathroom. Arnie makes a disgusting comment about condoms and sex in the sand as we walk away. He’s such a pig.
Nick tightens his grip as we slip into the darkness. “Are you having fun?” He burrows his face through my hair and kisses the back of my neck.
“I guess.” I don’t know if this can be classified as fun. I feel good. Thizz feels good. But that’s it. There was nothing fun about that game. Not really. I kissed his best friend; did he think that was fun?
Nick stops just short of the lights in the parking lot. “Is it working?”
“Yes,” I whisper into his mouth. I ready myself for a long kiss, but he backs away. He lifts my hands to his lips and kisses my knuckles, looking at me like he’s waiting for me to say something. Oh no. It’s my turn to say it. I bury my face in his chest and mumble, “I love you too.” The sound of my voice saying I love you is so weird. It’s like the first time I heard myself speak Spanish. The words just don’t sound right coming from me.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I never knew I could.” Nick lifts my chin and forces me to look at him. “I love you,” he says again in plain, beautiful English.
Nick Marino loves me. And I love him. I think.
"You really aren’t mad at me for kissing Matt?" I know he gave his permission, but it could have been the peer pressure of the group.
"No, no way," he assures me. “I know Matt would never do me wrong. I trust him with my life. You are part of my life.” He kisses me softly on the lips, then pulls away too soon. "Why don't you ask if I'm mad you kissed Heather?” Nick raises his eyebrow in that sexy way he does. This time it has no effect on me.
I swallow hard and feel the hot, acidy tang of bile rise in my throat. “The last thing you felt when I kissed Heather was anger,” I say and wiggle myself out of his arms. Nick refuses to let me go.
"Would you be mad if I kissed Heather?" Nick squeezes me to him as if he’s trying to comfort me, but every word out of his mouth cuts me like a razor.
I try to block the mental picture, but it flies at me in 3D. Even hearing the words makes me want to puke. “You did kiss her.” My stomach knots at the memory. That’s a visual I’ll have for the rest of my life. Thanks, thizz.
“No, I mean, you know, like you kissed Matt.”
Someone has just stabbed me in the chest. I place my hand over my heart and check for blood. "Uh, yeah." I back away in case I actually throw up.
"Why? It's just a game.”
I can’t tell if he is serious. My eyes dance wildly, making it impossible to focus on his face. "Because, it's different. You know I don't like Matt.” My tone is surprisingly firm. I even believe the words I’m saying.
"And you know I don't like Heather."
Ok, now he’s twisting the knife into my heart. I don’t understand why he is forcing the issue or why he feels the need to lead our conversation in this direction. He wouldn’t be doing this, unless…oh God. He wouldn’t push for this, unless he wants to kiss her. He reaches for my hand and I jerk it away. Does he think I owe him now because I kissed Matt? A kiss for a kiss? Something that feels like reality is starting to creep in. I really wish I had another pill. I wonder if Nick has more. I wonder if he’d give me one if I asked.
"Why do you think I would do anything to hurt you? I've never felt this way about anyone before you.” His words sound sincere, yet what he’s asking contradicts the sentiment. “Don’t you trust me?”
My anguish turns to anger in a matter of seconds. I know Nick’s views on trust. He explained them to me a few days ago when I saw a voluptuous Greek goddess get out of his car. He caught me staring from the doorway of the café and rushed inside to explain, while the girl headed off in the direction of Lady Luxe. He said jealousy is for the weak, and I have nothing to worry about because he was just giving a ride to an old friend. There really wasn’t much I could say. He was right. Jealousy is for the weak. And I am weak.
“I'm sorry. It's not you, it’s her.” I decide to focus my distrust on Heather, not Nick. That way he can’t defend against my rage.
"She's your friend."
"She is not my friend.” I break away from Nick and stomp towards the fire. How can he say she’s my friend? Doesn’t he know me at all?
I hear the sand sloshing behind me and I speed up. “Dani, stop.” He grabs my hand and spins me around. “These are the only lips I want to kiss.” He runs his thumb across my mouth. “Forever.”
“Why?” I spit back.
“Why what?”
“Why me? What makes me so special?” I choke on the words. I’m getting emotional; it’s so unlike me.
Nick must see the tears glistening in my eyes, because his reaction is unexpected. He rests his head on my shoulder then stands upright and wraps his arms around my neck, crushing my head to his chest. “I don’t know. I just do.” His voice cracks slightly. “When I look at you, something happens to me. Something new and amazing and scary as shit. I can’t decide if I want to kiss you or run away.” This is the most honest thing he has ever said to me.
“Thanks a lot,” I joke. I don’t do well with this level of intimacy, so I turn to laughter.
“It’s not like that. I should run because I’m not good for you.”
I snort in reply. “If anyone is unworthy in this relationship, it’s me. I don’t deserve you. Look at me.”
Nick steps back with a serious look on his face. “Don’t say that. Don’t put yourself down, ever.” I start to defend myself, but Nick won’t let me. “There isn’t anything about you I would change.” He cups my face in his hands and rubs his thumbs down my cheeks and then across my lips. His eyes fill with desire as he leans towards me. I close my eyes, and half a second later his tongue slides into my mouth. Even though this is one of the most tender kisses we have ever shared, my mind wanders to another kiss. Matt’s hand on my face, his mouth on mine, the heat of his body as we kneeled in front of each other. The intensity is unrivaled, even now as Nick holds me in his arms. I grab Nick’s head and pull him closer, deeper into my mouth. He grips my hips and pushes against me. “I want you so bad, Dani,” he breathes into my mouth. “Do you want to go to my car?”
Yes! I scream in my head. I want him right now. My body needs something. Maybe I don’t need another pill. Maybe I just need Nick. We hear a yelp from the fire and turn to look. Arnie has Heather over his shoulder. I scan the faces around the fire and see Matt. I snap back to my senses. I can’t do this; no matter how badly my body is screaming yes.
“I don’t want to be the girl who loses her virginity in the back of a Chevy.”
Nick looks like he’s just been socked in the stomach, and my face turns ten shades of red.
“You’re a virgin?” he chokes a little on the last word.
I’m so humiliated. Not because I am a virgin; it’s the fact that Nick thinks I’m not. Three weeks ago he thought I didn’t drink alcohol, so why is finding out I’ve never had sex such a shock? I don’t know what to feel, but lots of feels wash over me, thanks to thizz, and sadness is the one that sticks. I put my face in my hands and try not to cry.
“It’s ok, Dani.” Nick pulls my hands away from my face. “I’m just surprised. Well, not really. I guess I’m…happy.” Nick kisses my forehead like I’m a fragile piece of glass. “You’re right, this is not the time or place.” Nick looks as if he’s just been given the key to a bank vault. He’s giddy over the fact that I’m a virgin, which only makes me feel more like a freak.
Nick suggests we head back to the group since he knows he’s not getting laid. He wraps his arm around my shoulders, and I feel a vibration in his pocket. His phone is always ringing, and he always answers it. Nick is more involved in his family’s business than I thought. It makes me wonder, if we had gone to his car, would he still have answered it? The sad thing is, I know he would have. He always does.
We leave the beach a little before eight in the morning. Watching the sky turn from dark to light is a strange feeling when you haven’t slept. It’s like the world is working in reverse. It’s disorienting. Or it could just be the thizz. Nick, Matt, Arnie, and I go back to Matt’s house. K and Heather stay at the beach. K only lives a few blocks away, and he promised Arnie he would make sure she got home safe. Heather said her parents aren’t expecting her home until after noon. She can’t show up at dawn and have them actually believe she was sleeping at her friend’s house. I’m the opposite. Lucy gets home from her shift around eleven thirty. I have to be home before then so she doesn’t suspect I’ve been out all night. Only I don’t want to go home yet. I hate being alone when I’m high.
I fall in and out of sleep during the drive, so I miss the conversation between Nick and Arnie that ended up with me staying at Matt’s house while Nick drove Arnie home. I stumble into the house and plop on Matt’s sofa. It feels good after lying in the sand all night. Matt brings me a glass of orange juice then disappears down the hall. It’s too tangy for my current taste buds. I can’t really stomach anything but water when I’m coming down. I place the glass on the coffee table and pick up the remote from the arm of Matt’s sofa. Nick said he’d be right back. That was seventeen minutes ago. I need to stay awake if I want to beat Lucy home. She gets off at eleven and usually stays up a few hours before heading to sleep. I like to beat her home and pretend my day is just starting as she heads to bed. If I don’t make it home, I’ll have to swing by the café in case Lucy checks up on me. This way, Patty can say I was there in the morning and Lucy will think I was just out getting coffee. I have it all planned just in case things don’t fall into place. I’ve been lucky so far. Lucy doesn’t suspect a thing.
Just as my eyes start to shut, Matt walks into the room. “Come on, sleepyhead.” He holds out his hand and I take it. He yanks me to my feet and tells me to go lie down in his room. I’m too tired to protest or worry about how that may look. I trust Matt. More importantly, Nick trusts him.
I stumble into Matt’s room. My only choices are his desk chair or the bed. The chair is probably the safer, less comfortable option, but I don’t care about safe right now. I sit on the bed and kick my shoes off. Matt walks into the room carrying an armful of water bottles and a bag of chips. He closes the door behind him and places the snacks on the desk. The only light in the room creeps between the slits of the window blinds. I watch it slowly climb the wall as the sun rises outside. I hope Nick comes back soon. Eureka is small, Arnie can’t live that far away. Matt is settling in like I may be here for a while. He isn’t acting like Nick will be back any minute.
“You want some?” Matt holds up a bag of chips without looking at me. Why won’t he look at me? I don’t want snacks. I need to stay awake and wait for Nick.
“No thanks.” I know what I want. The question is, am I brave enough to ask for it? What if he doesn’t have any, or worse, what if he says no? Quit being stupid. This is Matt. I can ask him anything. “Do you have any more pills?”
Matt stops shuffling CDs. His back stiffens then relaxes just as quickly. “Uh, I don’t know…” He turns around with an answer on his lips, but nothing comes out. He just stares at me as I unzip Nick’s hoodie. I slide it off one sleeve at a time, passing my orange juice glass from one hand to the other as I go. I watch Matt’s eyes commit my body to memory before stopping at my mouth. He knows how my lips feel. I know what Matt tastes like—this is information neither of us should know. We’re friends. Friends don’t kiss. I can’t believe Nick even allowed it. The more sober I become, the more awkward this feels. Thizz is the only thing to cure that. When I’m high, feelings like embarrassment and regret don’t exist. Thizz makes the world an uncomplicated place.
Matt walks to the closet, pulls out a shoe box, and places it on the bed. He takes off the lid, slides opens a zip lock bag. He must feel the tension too, because he doesn’t even hesitate as he hands me the pill.
“Thanks.” I swallow it with a sip from my orange juice, and Matt goes back to his CD search. He finally chooses one and moves to his boom box to put it in. I take a peek inside the shoebox. My heart stops. Where did he get all those pills? I look at Matt. His back is to me. I reach in, swipe a handful, and shove them in my pocket. Adrenaline pumps through my veins. This is the first time I’ve ever stolen anything. I feel bad stealing from Matt, but then again, I don’t. He has so many, at least a hundred. Is Matt the dealer Nick was protecting? How well do I even know him, or Nick for that matter? They know nothing about me. Who I really am. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
