Thizz, a Love Story, page 24
“Where we going?” Arnie asks as we pass under the sign that reads San Francisco 375 Miles.
“I have to see Will.” I stab the gas pedal to the floor and turn on the radio.
All I can think about is Will. What his next move will be after I tell him. I wonder if he has people in Eureka he can call if I can’t reason with him? Alex was supposed to head back to Lake County today. I’m not worried about him. Matt will kick his ass if he tries anything. Matt will protect Dani. He’ll make the right choice, he’ll put her first. I didn’t. I didn’t think of her. I only thought about Will and what this meant for me. For my business. What a fucking joke I am.
I wanted to go into business with Will. I wanted to be something more than just a Marino. No matter how hard I worked in school or how successful I became, it would never be impressive. My success is expected. I thought going into business with Will was my chance at something beyond my expectation. It’s not the most respectful business, but it meant power, money, and making a name for myself in a market that doesn’t give a shit about my family’s wealth. The people Will deals with aren’t impressed by my last name. It’s about your name in the street. That’s the one place the Marino name hasn’t conquered. That was going to be my legacy. My mark on the world.
All of that changed when I saw the picture. When I saw the look on Will’s face, the way he looked at Dani as she blew out her birthday candles. Knowing he hurt her in a way that nobody should ever feel. People don’t get it. Losing your parents is like losing a part of yourself. Something you can never get back. You will always have this hole, this emptiness. You don’t know what it’s like to grow up never being able to celebrate Father’s Day. I’ve never bought a card on Mother’s Day. I don’t have any family pictures. I don’t care how much money my grandmother threw at me. She couldn’t buy me that kind of love. I’ve never felt truly loved, until I met Dani. I never knew I could love someone the way I love her.
I should have taken her in my arms. I should have told her everything was going to be alright. I didn’t. Because I’m a piece of shit. I’m no better than Will. I might as well have pulled the trigger on her parents. I was ready to pull it on her. Not her, a faceless witness. Someone I didn’t know. That doesn’t make it right. Even if the witness wasn’t my Dani, it would’ve been someone else’s version of Dani. Someone who was loved and didn’t deserve to have her life taken.
Arnie tries to talk to me; he has some big news. He may have even told me, but I tuned him out. Eventually he falls asleep, and I somehow make it to the city without killing us.
It’s dark when I get off the bridge. I fly up and over hills, dodging buses and taxis as I make my way to North Beach. I’m banking on Will being at the bar since I don’t know where he lives. I know it’s somewhere in the Sunset District, but he’s never invited me to his house. We always meet at the bar.
Arnie wakes up when I turn onto Columbus. As usual there’s no parking, so I double park in front of the Lucky Charm and jump out.
“DUDE!” Arnie yells and shuts off the car.
“Wait here,” I tell him. “I’ll be right back.”
I burst in the bar and call Will’s name.
“Whoa kid, slow down.” Stacy, the doorman, pushes his hand into my chest.
“Get your fucking hands off me!” My hand balls into a fist. A natural reaction when I’m being challenged. Hit first, ask questions later. “Where is he?”
Stacy stands up from his stool and pushes me back with his enormous chest. When standing, he’s about six inches taller than me. “Back the fuck up,” he warns.
I don’t stand a chance against him, but I don’t give a shit. I want to hit someone. The rage that built up over the long drive is finally boiling over. “Fuck you.” I push against his chest.
Stacy’s body stiffens and I brace myself for what’s coming next.
“Hey! What the fuck, Nick!” Will grabs me by my hood and shoves me out the door.
I stumble onto the sidewalk. Arnie sits up when he sees me. I put my hand up, signaling him to stay in the car.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Nicky?” Will looks at my car sitting in the street. “Is everything alright?”
I don’t want to beat around the bush. “Who’s Bill Batista?”
A flash of uncertainty crosses his face. He pats my back with one hand while he jingles the change in his pocket with the other. “He’s the fucking lawyer, the dead one.”
My stomach does a somersault. I can’t believe Dani is the witness Will has been looking for. The same witness I wanted dead because she was ruining my business. I wish Stacy would have hit me. That pain is nothing compared to what I feel in my chest right now. I don’t know what I can say to stop Will from wanting to kill Dani. There was nothing he could say to me at the diner when I was ready to do it. Not that I would have. I could never hurt someone like that. But I wouldn’t have stopped Will, not if it meant I got to keep Humboldt.
I look at Arnie sitting in the driver’s seat of my car. I feel bad for dragging him all the way down here. I don’t even know why I brought him. It wasn’t like I wanted company. He’s another victim in my fucked-up life. He nods his head and I follow his eyes to a group of girls walking down the street. Fucking Arnie. He’s always trying to get laid. Nothing ever brings him down. I’m glad he’s here with me. He’s always good for a laugh. I look back at the car and see Arnie smiling. Then we hear them. Motorcycles screaming up the street.
Will pulls me to the ground and I hear the pop pop pop from a gun, followed by screaming. Before I realize what is happening, it’s over. I look up from under Will’s arm in time to see two bikes speed across Columbus Avenue and disappear into the Broadway tunnel.
Then I hear someone scream, “He’s been shot!” I look at Will. He gives me a thumbs-up. I stand up and dust my hands off. That’s when I see the shattered windshield.
“ARNIE!” I open the door and his head falls out. “NO! FUCK! Somebody help him!” My eyes are blurry with tears. I scream for someone to call 9-1-1. I scream for Arnie to wake up. I scream because my friend is dying in my arms.
Suddenly, Will is at my side trying to pull me away, but I won’t let Arnie go. I’m sorry, Arnie. I’m so fucking sorry. Please don’t die. Please keep breathing. I love you, bro. I love you.
Will is speaking to me, but I can’t hear him. The world goes silent. I hold Arnie’s head in my arms until the ambulance arrives. They jump out and run over to me. There is nobody to save here. Arnie is dead.
“Nick.” Will’s voice finally breaks through the silence. “Remember what I told you. You were just stopping by to say hi. Nick? Are you listening?”
Cops come and go. Arnie is dead. They take his body away. They ask me questions. Arnie is dead. I give them Arnie’s phone. His burner. The one he used to sell my drugs. Arnie is dead and it’s my fault.
I lean against the wall outside the bar. Arnie shouldn’t have been here. I shouldn’t be here. I should be with Dani. Will comes out and offers me a bottle of water.
“Dani’s last name is Batista.” I slap the bottle out of his hand.
Will looks at me like I lost my mind. “Who’s Dani?”
“My girlfriend,” I say, then I wonder if that’s still true. After what happened today I doubt she’ll ever speak to me again. “She has a picture of you. She saw you with her dad.”
I start to walk down the street towards the Bay, I think. I don’t know the city very well, not like Dani does. She could have lived around the corner for all I know. Matt probably knows. He knew about her parents. Why don’t I know? Why didn’t I ever ask? Why didn’t I go to her? Why didn’t I know I love her more than I love Will?
“Hey, where did she see me?” Will spins me around. “What picture?”
“On her birthday. You were outside a restaurant.” I can tell by the look on his face that he knows what I’m talking about. “She’s my girlfriend.”
“Yeah, well, you’re young. You’ll get over it.” Will turns to go back in the bar, leaving me alone on the street.
“Hey!” A few of the cops that are still hanging around taking pictures to document the scene turn when I yell. “I LOVE HER!” I don’t care who hears me.
Will grabs the front of my shirt and throws me against the wall. “I get it, you love her, but you know what has to happen. Grow some balls and deal with it.”
I feel like spitting in his face and running to the cop with the camera and confessing everything I know. But I can’t do that. I can’t bust myself, because that would mean busting Matt and Aurora. I don’t have to worry about Arnie. Arnie got something far worse out of all this. I won’t hurt anyone else.
Will isn’t going to let this go. He’s going to find her. He has to get rid of her because he thinks she can identify him. He thinks she can, but the cops don’t know that. Will was right. If they had evidence, they would have arrested him. So, Dani really didn’t see anything.
Will drags me into the oversized closet that doubles as his office. I sit down and try to gain some composure. Will reaches into the bottom drawer of his desk, and for the first time in my life, I get nervous around my uncle. He pulls out a bottle of Patron and pours me a shot. “You need to chill.” He slides the glass across the desk to me, then takes out a bud and some rolling papers.
I drink the shot. It burns going down. The pain feels good. I reach for the bottle, but Will hands me a joint instead.
“You just lost your friend, I know what it’s like. I’ve lost a lot of good men. But you gotta man up. You dodged a bullet today. Be grateful.”
I light the joint and pretend to pay attention. The only thing on my mind is getting out of here alive and protecting Dani. I owe her so much more than an apology.
“As for your girl.” He pauses when I look up.
Don’t say her name. You don’t deserve to say her name.
“What does she know?”
He doesn’t know about our fight, he doesn’t know she probably called the cops by now. If I can convince him that I can control her, that I’m watching his back, then maybe I can stop him from going after Dani himself. “Nothing. She doesn’t know anything. I saw the picture, I figured it out on my own.” I won’t tell him Matt knows. I take a long drag and let the smoke overtake my lungs. The weed makes it a little easier to lie. “I asked her how her folks died, she said it was a carjacking. She was sleeping in the backseat and didn’t see anything. The cops are full of shit. You’re right, if they had proof, you’d be in cuffs. They’re fishing to see if you take the bait. If you go after her now, it’s like admitting you did it.”
Will reaches for the joint and I pass it to him. He takes a long drag.
“Alright, you watch her. Don’t let the cops get to her. And whatever you do, don’t tell her nothing about me. Sometimes witnesses’ get their memories back and want to testify to shit they didn’t see. If she doesn’t know I was involved, don’t give her any reason to. You got me?”
It’s too late for all that. She knows everything thanks to me and Matt. She’s probably calling the police right now. “I got you.” I hold out my fist and Will bumps it.
He hands me the joint, and there’s a knock on the door.
“Excuse me, Will.” Suzy comes in, followed by two cops.
“Mr. Walker, we just wanted to let you know we caught the shooters.”
I drop the joint to the floor and jump up.
“Who was it?” Will sits back in his chair like they’re telling him the score of the Giants’ game.
“One of the men was identified as Devon Brown.”
They tell us Devon and the other shooter sped through the Broadway tunnel and out onto Van Ness Avenue, where they are repaving the streets. Devon lost control when the bike hit uneven pavement and swerved in front of a Muni bus. He was killed on impact. The other guy is in critical condition.
After the cops leave, Will’s mood changes. “It looks like we just got Humboldt back.”
Like I give a fuck. My best friend is dead and the girl I love is on my uncle’s hit list. All I care about right now is making it right. I can’t let him know that. I play along. “Does that mean we’re back in business?” I lean back in the chair and balance on the hind legs.
“Let me make some calls first, but it should only be a couple days before I can get a new supply up to you.
I crack a smile and stand up. “Let’s make some paper.” Will stands and takes my hand, then pulls me in for a hug. My back straightens and I feel like head butting him. Instead, I pound his back twice and let go. I’ll let him believe its business as usual until I come up with a plan.
“You know I love you, kid.” Will looks me in the eye; he’s looking for the loyalty I’ve always shown him. “We’re going to do great things together.”
I smile and tell him I love him. He believes the lie. He thinks I have his back. I don’t. I’ll die before I let him get away with what he’s done to Dani.
I’m actually relieved when Mariann shows up. She doesn’t go inside the bar. She sends T in to get me. I’ve known T as long as I can remember. He went to school with my father. They were best friends. He’s always been like an uncle to me. He gives Will a dirty look, then gives me a bear hug and tells me she’s waiting outside in the SUV.
I open the back door and see my grandmother wiping tears. I look out the window and see the tow truck loading my car onto a flat bed. I don’t want the car, they can keep it. Burn it.
“Are you ok?” She reaches for me, then pulls back.
I tell her I’m fine.
“I called Arnie’s parents. I told them I’d help with the funeral.”
It’s so typical. Money solves all her problems. “Is that your answer to everything? Money? Some things can’t be bought. People can’t be bought!” She bought me from my mother, but she couldn’t buy my love, my loyalty, or my respect. Instead I gave it to Will. I thought he deserved it more than her. I was wrong. They were wrong. I have to make this right.
She wipes her eyes with a handkerchief and stares out the window. “I don’t know how to help you. You won’t let me in. I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what else I can do.”
I feel bad when I hear her crying. Did she try? Was she there for me? I’ve warped the truth so much I don’t know anymore.
“I want to help you, Nick. Just tell me what you need me to do.”
I need a way to get out of this without sending me and Matt and Aurora to jail. I need to find a way for the cops to get the evidence they need to bust Will for murdering Dani’s parents. I need to make this right.
“Do you know anyone in the San Francisco Police Department?”
I wonder what it must feel like to lose a child. I wonder if it hurts more than a child losing a parent. Loss is loss, I guess. Lucy didn’t even know Arnie and she’s taking it hard. Maybe because she keeps thinking it could’ve been me. She’s been watching me like a hawk since the morning she woke me with the news.
I was dripped in sweat and barely sleeping. You don’t really sleep when you’re on that much thizz. Your body conforms to the element you place yourself in. The way some people will sit for hours with a bottle of lotion, while others dance and dance and dance. I like to kick back and just feel the moments. Feel the tingles and the good vibes. I laid on my bed Friday night, turned on the radio, closed my eyes, and stayed like that for nearly twelve hours. My body looked relaxed, but my brain stayed on. I thought about Nick, the way he looked at me in his cottage. I actually saw the moment he started to hate me. I thought about Lucy and Johnson and their baby. As long as I’m here, they aren’t safe. I thought about leaving, the places I’d go. The people I’d meet. Imaginary friends I’d make. Ones that would never know the real me. The real Dani is dead. I killed her.
I remember opening my eyes and seeing Lucy and Johnson standing over my bed. I thought it was a dream. Until Lucy yanked me into her arms and started to cry. She heard about Arnie while on her shift at the hospital. A friend of a friend or something. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I just kept thinking, thank God it wasn’t Nick. Feeling happy Nick was alive feels like a betrayal to my parents. I shouldn’t care, I don’t want to care, but I do.
Thizz and grief and fear are a bad mix. I hid in my room for two days waiting it out. Waiting for the drugs to leave my body. Waiting for Will to come and find me. Lucy figured I was in shock. She left me alone. Matt called every other hour to check on me. I never heard from Nick. My heart aches when I think about him. He must be devastated. I am, and I didn’t even like Arnie. Matt is wondering if he’ll show up today. I can tell he wants to see him too. He misses him too.
Matt picks me up in his new Mustang and we drive to the funeral together. Lucy and Johnson are taking his truck. They said they’d meet me at the church. Matt and I pull into the parking lot of St. Bernard’s just as Arnie’s family is arriving in a black stretch limo. I watch in the side mirror as Arnie’s mother is helped out by an older man dressed in formal military attire. I wonder how they found the strength to get out of bed this morning. Arnie’s mother is greeted by friends of Arnie’s I recognize from school.
“I’m going to say hi,” Matt says and opens his door.
“I can’t…”
Matt takes my hand and kisses it. “It’s ok, I’ll meet you inside.”
I get out of the car and walk up the steps of the church. I watch as Matt works his way through the crowd and finally reaches Arnie’s mother. He taps her shoulder and she turns around. Her eyes light up when she sees him. She takes his face in her hands and kisses his cheeks. Matt collapses onto her shoulder and sobs. It seems unfair that she has to console him. She’s the one that lost a son. She’s the one that needs comfort. This is why I didn’t go to my parents’ funeral. It wasn’t for me. It was for them. Their grief is limited to one day, a few hours, then it’s over. For us, it’s a daily struggle. We have to live, breathe, eat, and sleep with it for the rest of our lives. That’s what I did, until I discovered thizz. Thizz took all of that pain away. I don’t know if I would have survived Eureka without it. That’s a lie. I didn’t need thizz to deal with the boredom or loneliness. I needed it to be with Nick. Living in his world was unbearable without it. Being with Nick was impossible without thizz. One didn’t exist without the other. Now that I have neither, I’m starting to see things clearer.
