Thizz, a Love Story, page 13
A woman’s soft, sultry voice suddenly fills the room. This song isn’t something a drug dealer would play. If there is a drug dealer playlist, I guarantee this song isn’t on it. This song is bluesy with a jazz feel. I’m actually surprised Matt would even have a CD like this. He’s always quick to put on rap or hip hop in the car. This is a nice surprise. Matt adjusts the volume then sits next to me on the bed. I watch him crack every knuckle on his right hand. The same hands I watched typing in class. Those fingers typed a message once. The message that led me to Nick. That led me to this moment. Matt set me up with Nick. Boys don’t play matchmaker with girls they like. Matt doesn’t like me, not like that. But my fingers itch to touch him anyway. It’s the drugs. It’s not real. Some people crave touch when they’re high. I never understood why until this moment. If there was a bottle of lotion in this room, I’d have it slathered all over my hands right now. I lie back and lock my hands behind my head. Music surrounds me, and a familiar tingle pricks at my skin. I have a million thoughts running through my head, but I can’t think of a single word to say to Matt. My eyes wander around the room, looking for some safe topic of conversation. They land on the poster above the bed. “Are you serious?” I snort, gesturing to the bikini-clad model holding a fire hose between her legs.
“What?” he says with a little laugh. “It’s a dude thing.”
I turn towards Matt and find his blue eyes staring back at me. My heart feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of my chest. This would be so much easier if Matt didn’t have those eyes—that smile.
I stand up and walk to the desk. I need distance until this pill kicks in and we are back in friend-mode. I open a bottle of water and take a huge gulp, hoping the simple task of drinking will chill me out. I watch Matt over the top of the bottle. Our eyes lock when he reaches out to me and slides the bottle from my fingers. He gulps down a mouthful of water and then places the bottle back in my hand. There are two unopened bottles on the desk, but he took mine. He wanted mine. I take a drink to see if I can taste him, but it doesn’t taste like anything but water.
I know what Matt tastes like. When we kissed, he tasted like beer with a hint of bubblegum. The fact that I’ve kissed him is something I should be embarrassed about, ashamed of, but all I keep thinking is how badly I want him to kiss me again. I can’t think like that. I can’t feel this way, about Matt or anyone. I’m with Nick. And if I keep telling myself I love him, maybe one day it will feel real. It felt real last night. I also thought Heather King was the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. Thizz really warped my perception. There is no way I will ever be friends with Heather, no matter how awesome I thought she was. Is it possible that my feelings for Nick are just as warped? When I’m sober it isn’t Nick I want to be around, it’s Matt. It’s always been Matt.
“Can I ask you something personal?” Matt leans back on his elbows. “If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”
Yes, let’s talk about something, anything. “Sure.”
“I was just curious why you moved here. Where are your parents?”
As soon as the words leave his lips, I know I will tell him the truth. I want to. I need to.
“They were shot during an attempted carjacking,” I say casually, as if Matt isn’t the first person I’ve ever told. “I don’t have any other family, except Lucy, and she lives here.” I look away and wait for the obligatory apology and empathetic look that usually follows when someone learns about my orphan status.
“Damn,” Matt mumbles. “Don’t you miss living in the city?”
I swivel my head and look into Matt’s crystal-blue eyes. I’m so happy he didn’t make this weird. He smiles his sweet smile, and I can’t help but smile with him. “Not really. Not anymore.” I look at him and feel a fresh wave of serotonin flood my veins. My body melts into itself. Thizz is the reason I’m happy. Thizz has made Eureka tolerable. I can make it through the day without seeing Nick or talking to Matt. Thizz is what I wake up for and go to bed with. And now I know who holds the key to keeping me happy. Matt. Had he showed up at the café that night, I’d be with him, not Nick. But he didn’t, because he didn’t want me. Love isn’t always requited. Sometimes love is complicated. That’s where thizz comes in.
Matt asks me trivial questions about my old neighborhood. I tell him about my favorite café and the best place to buy a burrito in the city. For the first time since I lost my parents, I’m able to talk about my old life with a smile on my face. The ache in my chest is dulled by the drug flowing through my veins.
“My father was a lawyer, corporate law. My mom was a lawyer’s wife.” I remember the way she stood beside him at parties. I don’t know which of them was more proud. “She was a great party planner.” I laugh about it now, even though I hated the superficiality of it all. “He had a day job, but he spent most of his time working pro-bono cases. My mother used to tell people he was trying to save the world one ghetto kid at a time.” I know I’m rambling, Matt doesn’t seem to care. It feels good to talk about them. To remember them.
Matt tells me his father is a lawyer and his mother does interior design. We have a lot in common. I like that. I knew Matt and I would hit it off. It just wasn’t in the way I thought. Maybe we were just destined to be friends. I really need a friend right now.
“Does Nick know about your parents?”
My stomach does a somersault at the thought. “No, and you can’t tell him. Promise me?”
“You guys have a lot in common,” Matt insists.
Everyone knows Nick lost both of his parents. I don’t want to have that in common with him. “You don’t get it. People treat you different when they know. Please don’t say anything—to anyone.”
“Ok,” Matt concedes. “I promise.”
I hold out my pinkie and Matt hooks his with mine. There is a tiny spark hidden in his lazy smile. The way someone looks right before they tell the punchline of a joke. Matt fights it back by letting my pinky go and turning away. He tucks his hands under his head and stares at the ceiling. I lie on the bed beside him and a new song comes on, this one is even sultrier than the last. I wish Matt took another pill. I wonder if he would take one if I asked him to. I bet there are a lot of things I could persuade Matt to do for me. What a fucking horrible thing to say. I glance at Matt and catch him watching me again. We lock eyes briefly and then turn back to the poster. The poster is our safe place. Not that we need one. We’re just friends. Any tingles or warmth I feel at the sight of him are drug-induced hallucinations. They aren’t real. Our kiss wasn’t even real. Just some stupid dare. Something he would have done with Heather or any other girl put before him. Nick is real. His kisses are real. He loves me and I love him.
Where the hell is Nick? “How far away is Arnie’s house?”
“Why? You got a date with Arnie later?” Matt jokes.
“Because Nick said he was going to drop him off then come back.”
Matt’s eyes get huge, and it has nothing to do with thizz. He doesn’t want to tell me where Nick is, which makes my imagination run wild. My adrenaline surges—not in the good way. “Where did he go?” Matt stays silent. “Is he really dropping Arnie off?” Matt sort of shrugs. If he didn’t take Arnie home, where would he go? As soon as I think the question, the answer comes to me. My hands are shaking at the thought of him and Heather at the beach together.
“Did he go back to the beach?” I give Matt a serious stare, daring him to lie to me.
Matt has an internal debate before he answers. “Yeah, he’s at the beach.” Matt looks relieved that I figured it out on my own. Technically, he didn’t tell me, so he won’t be in trouble.
“With Heather?” I choke on her name. I would rather be choking her.
Matt’s eyes pop out of his head, as if he forgot about Heather. “No, it isn’t what you think. He was too amped up to be inside. They took too many pills last night and he’s still wired.”
Too many? I don’t know if what I feel is jealousy because Nick is at the beach with Heather or the fact that he took pills without me. “How many did he take? Why didn’t he give me one? Did he give one to Heather?” I think about Heather asking me if I liked thizz. She didn’t look like she was having a good time. So why take another pill? Unless someone gave it to her. Someone who wanted to keep her up and alert and at the beach. I feel like I may puke.
“I don’t know if she’s at the beach.” Matt looks sincere, but what do I know. He could be as good at lying as I am. “He just went back to hang out with K and the guys. They’re going to play football, then he’ll be back.”
What a pathetic excuse. I stand up to get another bottle of water and spot Matt’s cell phone on the desk. I pick it up and contemplate calling Nick. Matt puts his warm hand on mine to stop me from calling. His touch sends tingles through my body. Tingles that feel real. I pull my hand free and sit on the edge of the bed. I know I can’t call him. I have to trust him. If we don’t have trust, we don’t have a relationship. Nick said he trusts Matt. Even with me. The question is, do I trust myself with Matt?
I fucked up. I shouldn’t let her think Nick went back to the beach, back to Heather, but I can’t tell her the truth—that he went to a party. It was a fraternity thing at Humboldt State. Arnie had a chick he knows sell pills for us last night so Nick could party at the beach with Dani. It kills him to lie to her, but we can’t let her find out. If she finds out Nick sells thizz, she’ll hate me for lying to her all this time. It’s safer this way.
The girl from Humboldt called a few hours ago and said the party was still raging, and people were looking to buy more pills. Nick wasn’t about to miss out on sales, so he brought me and Dani back here then took off for Humboldt State with Arnie. Nick was banking on Dani falling sleep. He figured he could come back in a few hours and tell her he was here all along. That isn’t going to happen now that I gave her another pill. Not the smartest fucking thing to do, but I couldn’t say no. Not to those desperate eyes. I didn’t know Nick told her he was just taking Arnie home. What kind of lame-ass lie is that?
“Dani, you know Nick loves you. He just has to get it out of his system. He didn’t want to leave you sleeping in the sand when you could come back here with a working toilet.” That sounded like the right thing to say. “You said yourself that you could barely keep your eyes open.”
“If he loved me the way he says he does, he would’ve given me a pill and let me stay awake having fun with him.” She hands my phone to me and I shove it in my pocket. “Like you just did.”
My heart crashes through my chest and lands at Dani’s feet. I want to tell her she’s right. I want to tell her I would never leave her. I want to tell her everything. About me and Nick, and thizz, and how I feel. I take her hand and she bites her lower lip. Blood rushes to places in my body that it shouldn’t. I can’t betray Nick. As much I as I want to, I can’t. There is one thing though. I can tell her why I sent the Myspace message and why I asked her to meet me in the parking lot that day. Not that it makes a difference now, but something inside me wants her to know that I cared. That I wanted her. It won’t change anything. She’ll probably get a good a laugh out of it. Once the second pill kicks in, anything I say will be a fleeting memory. Nothing is taken seriously when you’re high. Words, feelings, kisses.
I’m trying to figure out the best way to start the conversation when a burst of cold air flows through my room. I turn and see Ashley’s head peek around the corner. “Oops,” Ashely says and disappears.
She is halfway up the stairs when I catch her. Interacting with my little sister while thizzin is a sobering experience. I suddenly feel very guilty about my condition. “Wait, Ash.” I pull on her arm. “You want to hang out?” I need something to keep me in check. I don’t think I can stand to be alone with Dani another minute. I was about to tell her I wanted to ask her out until Nick swooped in. What was I thinking? In no universe would that ever be a good idea. Ashely is the perfect buffer.
“Really?” Ash raises her eyebrow at me. I never invite her to hang out with my friends. “Are you drunk?” She takes two steps towards me with a curious smile.
Damn, she’s observant. I’m so glad I didn’t take another pill. “Just come back down with me.” I usher her through the hallway, back to my room, and close the door.
“Dani, this is Ashley. Ash, this is Nick’s girlfriend, Dani.” I make the introductions quickly while I slide the box of pills under my bed.
Ashely sits on my bed beside Dani, processing the situation. “Nick’s girlfriend? Where’s Nick?”
I let Dani answer the question and change the CD to something more upbeat.
“He had to help a friend move,” Dani tells her. I laugh at the ridiculous lie, but I have to give her props for originality. She came up with that lie in a split second, and it’s believable. She’s a good liar.
“So, you came over to hang out with my brother?”
“Yeah, we’re friends.” Dani smiles at me and my heart smiles back. Friends. We are so much more than that. There is no word to describe what she is to me.
“Nick doesn’t get jealous?” Ashley asks innocently.
“No,” I tell her. He doesn’t think I’m competition.
Dani is so cool with Ashley. She asks her questions about her remission, which Ashley can’t shut up about. She even teaches her how to put her hair up in some kind of messy ponytail. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but Ash is excited by the lesson. It’s fascinating watching them together. I’ve never seen Dani so content. Ashley has a weird way of putting people at ease.
“I like your pendant. That’s turquoise right?” Ashley comments on the necklace Nick bought for Dani.
Fucking show off. He paid two hundred dollars for it at some antique store downtown. Dani stopped to look at it for like two seconds, and he had to buy it for her.
“Yeah, and the old lady we got it from said it has powers.” Dani’s voice drips in sarcasm. I’m happy to see she isn’t impressed with Nick’s overpriced show of affection.
Ashley’s smile fades when she touches the blue rock. “Turquoise is very powerful, actually. It’s supposed to give you clarity and help heal you. I kept a rock under my pillow when I was sick.”
“Oh.” Dani’s smile drops from her face. She’s worried her comment offended Ashley.
I grab my sister in a headlock and ruffle her hair. “What are you, a gypsy?” I tease, hoping to lighten the mood.
“No, I’m just saying, it’s special.” Ashley stops her thought when she hears the next song start. Her eyes light up and she jumps off the bed, pulling Dani with her. “I love this song!” It’s a hip-hop tune with an infectious reggae groove. Dani reluctantly stands while Ashley dances around her. Eventually the music overcomes her, too.
For once I can watch Dani without the threat of being noticed. I even forget my sister is in the room until Ashley grabs Dani’s hands and tries to twirl her around. Dani looks at me for help as she subconsciously chews her cheek. She’s really high. I should get Ashely out of here before she notices the change in Dani.
“Time to go upstairs.”
Ashley ignores me until I turn down the stereo. “AHH! Come on, Matt,” she complains. “I need to practice for school dances and stuff.” The thought of Ashley at Eureka High next semester makes my stomach hurt.
“Go practice in your room.” I push her out the door and walk her to the stairs.
“Too bad she’s Nick’s girlfriend. I really like her,” Ashley admits.
“Me too.”
Ashley catches the double meaning in my reply and gives me one of her sly grins as she walks up the stairs to the main part of the house. As the door closes, I hear music flowing from my room. I rush back to see Dani spin away from my stereo. She restarted the song. I lean in the doorway and watch her dance. She’s graceful in a clumsy sort of way. She sees me and smiles a twisted smile. Then she pulls her hair loose and lets it fall over her face. She’s rolling hard and feeling really good right now. A thin layer of sweat forms over my skin when she motions for me to join her. I know her desire to dance with me isn’t real—she’s just reacting to the second dose of ecstasy. But I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. She runs her teeth across her bottom lip, turning it a deep shade of red. This is dangerous ground. I can feel it in the way my pulse starts to race when I look at her.
If Nick knew what I was thinking right now, I’d be a dead man.
Good thing Nick isn’t here.
I force all rational thoughts from my head and creep towards her, pretending to be lost in the music. She lifts her arms above her head and sways in front of me.
This is really happening.
She spins around as I close the gap between us. Her back is to me, as if she’s afraid to look me in the eye at this range. I start to think I’ve made a mistake when she leans back and brushes her body against mine.
She wants this. She wants me right where I am.
My fingers tremble when I touch her hips. She loses the rhythm for a split second as I slide my hands around her waist. I feel her suck in a breath when my pinky dips into the waist of her jeans. Her stomach retracts at my touch and I pull her to me, burying my face in the crook of her neck. Her hair smells like smoke from the bonfire with traces of her lavender shampoo.
She smells so fucking good.
We move back and forth to the music, pretending to be overtaken by the song and not each other. After a few beats, Dani turns around to face me. She wraps her arms around my neck. I grip her hips and pull her to me. It’s amazing how well I’ve been able to control the monster raging inside of me. It won’t hold for much longer if I keep her this close. She looks up with her big dilated eyes and my heart beats against my chest like an angry gorilla. Her bottom lip is pinched between her teeth. I want to pull it free with my mouth. I remember our kiss, how sweet her lips tasted. I want more. I need more. Sweat runs down the side of my face as we stare at each other, neither of us brave enough to make the next move. The music pulsates through us, masking the vibration in my pocket. My phone.
