Thizz, a Love Story, page 18
I wonder if we would be going to the party if Nick didn’t have to meet his uncle.
I wonder where I would be if my parents were still alive.
I wonder how the side of the espresso machine got so dirty.
I grab a bottle of comet and a sponge from under the sink and start to scrub. I clean every cup, plate, and crevice in the café.
“Dani, you did this all last night?” Patty runs her finger along the edge of the counter.
“I was bored.” I hope I didn’t overdo it.
“Well, thank you. And thank you for covering for Mary. She really appreciated it.” She puts her arm around me and squeezes my shoulders. The fact that Patty is thanking me for covering for Mary tells me she went home last night, so chances are she didn’t get high.
Patty is gushing over the cleanliness of the floor when Matt walks in. I try to smile, but my teeth grind together. Shit. After I left the café last night, I went home and took another pill. If Matt suspects I got high alone, or that I’m still a little bit buzzed, I don’t know if he will rat me out. During Nick’s meeting yesterday, he went on and on about not getting high on their supply. I know he wouldn’t be cool with me taking pills alone and running all over town at night.
“What are you doing here?” I pretend to be preoccupied with wiping down the counter and avoid eye contact. I take a sip from my ice coffee and realize the overdose of caffeine I’ve consumed this afternoon has enhanced the residual thizz coursing through my veins.
A couple of middle school girls swoon when Matt walks up to the counter. They bat their eyelashes at him as they take their drinks from the bar. He doesn’t even throw a look their way. His crystal-clear blue eyes are on me as he yanks the rag from my hand. I slip my tongue between my teeth to stop my jaw from grinding and pick up my ice coffee. I hate not being in control of my emotions right now. I hate that the smell of Matt’s body spray turns me on in some sick and twisted way.
He leans over the counter and whispers, “I don’t want there to be weirdness between us.”
I take a sip of my coffee and try not to chew the straw. “Why would there be weirdness?”
“Please don’t make me say it.” He smiles and I bite the straw even harder.
I wonder if he’s referring to the fact that I saw two naked, closely related girls in his bed. Or it could be the fact that I acted like a total slut the last time we were alone together. Or maybe because he’s been lying to me pretty much every single day that we’ve known each other. He’s worried about weirdness? We are way past weird.
“No, no weirdness at all.” I snatch the rag from him and hide it behind my back. I recall Alisa’s naked body under the covers where I’d slept a few days before and my face turns hot. “What are you doing here, getting coffee for another family threesome?” I wish my tone was a little less harsh, but I don’t really have control at the moment.
“Geez, Dani, lighten up. You really have no right to be mad.” I try to turn away, but Matt grabs my arm. “You should be happy for me.” His eyes search my face for some sign of his friend.
I know I’m being unreasonable, but what I’m feeling isn’t even close to happy. “Why would I be happy for you?” I yank free.
One of the regular gossipers places her empty mug on the counter between us with a curious smile. Nosy old crow. I reach for the mug, but Matt gets to it first. He picks it up and walks around the counter. What is he doing? I follow him to the sink.
He spins around when he’s out of earshot from the rest of the café. “For the same reason I’m happy for you and Nick.” He’s whispering, but I hear the desperation in his tone. He hands me the empty mug. “Because I’m your friend and I want you to be happy.”
Blood races through my veins and my body tingles all over as I focus on Matt’s eyes. I fight the urge to say what I really want to say, what I really feel. That it’s easier to tell yourself you’re happy, because it hurts less than being jealous. Is that what Matt is trying to tell me? I feel my jaw tighten and release. Matt sees it, too. He searches my face and raises a curious eyebrow.
“I’m happy for you,” I tell him. I walk into the storeroom.
He follows me in and closes the door. “I never wanted to hurt you, Dani.”
I can’t look at him. I don’t want to touch him. I definitely shouldn’t be alone with him.
“Come here.” He spins me around and holds his arms open. I’m weak, I can’t fight it. I lean into him and he wraps his arms around me. He feels so good. “If it makes you feel any better, I’d rather be sleeping next to you.”
My entire body erupts in joy. I want to blame this on thizz, but I won’t. I can’t. Thizz has nothing to do with the pleasure I feel in Matt’s arms. I wasn’t on thizz during our computer class four months ago when I first saw him and my heart suddenly started to pump back to life. I wasn’t on thizz when I got his message and fantasized for an hour that he was in love with me. My feels for Matt were never thizz induced.
He shifts his weight and lets me go. “At least you don’t snore.” He laughs. He’s acting like what he said was a joke, but it doesn’t feel like one. Or maybe it is and I’m wishing for things that aren’t real again.
Matt doesn’t want me. He wants Alisa and her cousin, and he’s had them. Multiple times probably. Matt is nothing more than a good friend, he said it himself. He’s happy for me because he’s my friend. Just a friend. That’s good enough for me. It has to be.
I step away and whip Matt with the towel in my hand. “Get out of my way. I have to get back to work.” And just like that, the mask is back on.
Matt stays with me all afternoon, helping me remember orders and laughing at me when I spill things. When Nick calls to tell me he’s running late, I tell him Matt is here, that he can walk me home. Nick is so protective, yet he has no problem leaving me alone with Matt. If that isn’t reason enough to believe Matt doesn’t have feelings for me, I don’t know what is.
My feet tingle as we walk down the street, and I can’t wipe the smile from my face. I guess I wasn’t as sober as I thought. “Do you believe in destiny?” I ask as we cross West Harris.
“Sure.” Matt pulls my arm and holds me back as a car makes a right turn in front of us. He doesn’t comment on the fact that I was almost taken out by a Honda.
“Do you think it was my destiny to come here?” This is something I thought about last night. “I feel like I was meant to be right here, right now. But that would mean my parents were destined to die.”
Matt slides his hand down my arm and presses his palm to mine. He’s holding my hand the way a parent would hold a child’s as we cross the street. It looks innocent, but my heart is racing.
“Not destiny, it’s more like fate. Fate can go either way, good or bad.”
I see what he’s saying, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. “If I had a choice to go back to my old life with my parents or stay here, I don’t know what I would choose. Does that make me a bad person?”
Matt stops walking and turns me to face him. “Something horrible happened and you ended up here. You had no control over that. Your parents would want you to be happy. They would want you to feel the way you feel right now.” I doubt that. They wouldn’t want me to be high. Just happy. And I am happy right now, right here, with Matt.
I choke back tears and throw myself into Matt’s arms. “I’m so glad I met you.” My heart feels heavy in my chest. Like it’s weighted down with too much emotion. Emotions I can’t act on or even acknowledge. There are things I can never say to Matt, to anyone. What I want to say is a betrayal to Nick. So, I choose my words carefully. “You’re my best friend, Matt.” I kiss his cheek just a few millimeters away from his mouth. A kiss on the cheek is nothing. We’ve kissed for real, even if it was a game.
“You’re not mad about, you know, the lying?” He looks at his feet. “I never would have lied to you, but Nick said…”
“I know.” I squeeze his hand. He doesn’t have to apologize. I know it was Nick. Matt would never betray me. It’s the one thing I know I can count on. “I understand.”
When we get to Lucy’s, I have no problem asking Matt if he wants to come inside. It isn’t like I have anything to hide from him. He hesitates at the door as if he’s not allowed to be alone with me. “Are you sure?” He looks around to make sure nobody is lurking in the bushes, ready to jump out and catch him doing something he shouldn’t.
“Why not? We’re friends, Matt, we hang out all the time. What’s the difference if we do it at your house or mine?” Something that feels like guilt surfaces as I try to convince Matt to stay with me. Maybe being alone at my house is crossing a line. I don’t even let Nick come inside when he drops me off.
Matt reluctantly steps inside the foyer and asks to use the bathroom. I point him in the direction of the guest bathroom and go upstairs to change out of my coffee-stained shirt. I’m looking for something to wear when I hear Lucy’s car pull into the driveway. I don’t know if I’m happy she’s here or totally disappointed. I grab a white tank top and pull it on as I hurry back downstairs in time to see Lucy introduce herself to Matt.
“Are you Nick?” Lucy extends her free hand with a smile.
“No, I’m Matt, Nick’s friend—Dani’s friend.” Matt shakes Lucy’s hand.
“Do you want to stay for dinner? We have more than enough.” She sets a bag on the dining room table and removes several cartons of Chinese food.
“Thanks, but I can’t. I was just leaving.” Matt sees me standing on the step and waves. “I’ll see you later, Dani.”
“I’ll walk you out.” I take Matt by the forearm and walk him onto the porch. “Thanks for the walk and talk and everything.” I lift my arms to give him a hug, and I feel his hand slide into the back pocket of my jeans. I step back and put my hand on my right butt cheek.
“Anytime.” Matt smiles and walks down the stairs. “Have a nice night.” There is a bit of sarcasm in his voice.
“Very cute.” Lucy appears beside me. I don’t deny it or agree with her.
I slide my hand in my pocket and feel a tiny bag full of pills. I knew I could trust him.
After dinner I tell Lucy I’m tired and go to my room. I pull my memory box from its shelf and place it on the bed. The smell of cinnamon overcomes me as I pull the last three sticks from the pack. I empty the little packet of pills into the bottom of the package and replace the gum, leaving one pill on the bed. I put everything back in the box and place it on the nightstand. I swallow the pill then wait for the thizz to take over, but I can’t keep still. I dump the contents of my memory box on the bed. I eat another piece of gum even though I’ll regret it later, and I start to look through the pictures. When I come across the last one in the stack, I feel a knot in my throat. It was taken on my seventeenth birthday, the last birthday we celebrated together. I stare at the eyes of the girl in the picture. Her round, chubby face, her frumpy clothes—they belong to someone that doesn’t exist anymore. She died that night with them. That girl has never felt the rush of thizz. She never kissed a boy as perfect as Nick. She has never been in love. She’s also never felt the pain and loss of losing her parents. She never watched someone perform CPR on her mother or pull a sheet over her father’s lifeless body. The girl trapped in this photo, in this moment, I wish I was her.
The picture was taken at my favorite Italian restaurant in North Beach. I remember the waiter singing “Happy Birthday” as he carried out a tray of tiramisu with seventeen candles stuck in it. That’s when I noticed my father was missing. I looked at the strangers that gathered around our table, but his face wasn’t among the crowd. Then I saw him. He was on the sidewalk having an animated conversation with a man I’d never seen before. He wore baggy jeans and an oversized puffy jacket like the public school kids I used to see on the bus. Their heated exchange was evident by the way people watched them as they walked by. When he finally came back in, I asked him if everything was ok. He waved his hand in the air and shrugged it off like it was no big deal. He looked frazzled, and that wasn’t like my father. He was an expert at hiding his feelings. I asked him if the man was a client, and he told me he wanted him to take his case, but he couldn’t because his calendar was full. That would explain why the man was upset. Landing my father as your lawyer was like winning the lottery.
My mother called for us to smile and snapped the picture just as I blew out the candles. My mother’s picture caught the man’s reflection in one of the many mirrors that surrounded the restaurant. It’s funny that I remember the guy on the street, but I can’t recall what I wished for.
Tonight is Nick’s eighteenth birthday. We’re celebrating at one of his family’s beach houses. The house is decorated in typical beach cottage décor. Lots of large ships and big vases filled with sea glass. The walls are a soft blue that plays well off the dark hardwood floors. The wall facing the ocean is solid glass. It looks like one of those moving paintings they sell at the mall. I watch the silent waves roll in as the sun sets on the horizon. The house, the beach, it’s perfect for what I have planned. We head up the stairs to the second floor and Nick shows me two bedrooms.
“This one is bigger, but the one across the hall has a better bathroom.” He steps back into the hall. “Or we can check out the third floor…”
“This one.” I pull him back into the room and he closes the door.
Nick and I haven’t gone past second base. I think. I don’t really know the bases. Heather says we’ve only gone to second, and I trust her. It’s weird, trusting Heather. I wish she was going to be here tonight. Her parents still have her on lockdown. Thankfully, we’ve been communicating through Myspace. I typed her a five-thousand word message the other night when I was high. Her message back was just as long. While I was stuck in my room with a gum package full of pills, she was at home with her parents and their pastor praying for her soul. When she told me she was grounded for spring break, I assumed it would only be a week. I had no idea Eureka’s spring break was two weeks long.
I pull a bow out of my backpack and place it on top of my head. The bow was also Heather’s idea. “Happy Birthday.”
Nick laughs at the silly gesture, then realizes what I’m offering him. He pulls me into his arms and kisses me. “Are you sure?”
I pull him towards the king-size bed in the middle of the room. “Positive.” This is the next step in our relationship. I’m ready.
“Right now?” He hesitates.
If I stop now I might chicken out. “Yes, now.” I kiss the spot on his neck below his ear that always makes him moan. Nick grabs my waist and lifts me into his arms. He’s about to lay me on the bed when his phone rings. “Are you serious?” I yell to the ceiling.
Nick gives me one of his apologetic smiles and pulls his phone out. The party tonight is going to be huge; he has to answer it. “S’up, Matt?”
Of all people, it’s Matt.
“I’m upstairs.” Nick winks. I can tell from his responses that Matt is asking if I’m with him. He’s trying to be coy, but I know he’s dying to tell Matt that we’re about to have sex for the first time.
I didn’t think anyone was going to be here for another few hours. I thought we’d have the house to ourselves so I could give Nick his gift. So I could prove how much I love him. That’s a horrible thing to say. Of course I love him. I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I take the bow off my head and walk towards the door.
He takes his phone from his ear and holds it against his body. “Dani, wait…”
“You can unwrap your gift later.” I give him the flirty, sexy smile I practiced in the mirror yesterday when I was high.
He exhales slowly and says, “I can’t wait.”
I close the door and stand in the empty hall. I can’t do this. Not like this. Not sober. At least I tried.
I’m pretty sure I just cock-blocked my best friend on this birthday. How was I supposed to know they would be here hours before the party? Ok, so maybe I did know that they might be here and told Arnie we had to pick up the keg an hour earlier than scheduled. I’m an asshole. A cock-blocking asshole.
Arnie comes crashing through the back door. “Give me a hand.” He’s dragging a keg behind him. I help Arnie pull the keg into the kitchen and set it up in the corner. He asks me where Nick is, aånd I tell him he’s upstairs with Dani.
“Oh yeah! It’s about time she gives it up.” Arnie says as he puts two bottles of vodka in the freezer. When he closes the door, Dani is standing behind it. He jumps when he sees her. “Fuck, D. You scared the shit out of me.”
She pushes past him and grabs a bottle of water from the counter. “Well, you shouldn’t be talking shit.” She cracks open the bottle and takes a drink.
I watch her watching Arnie. His back is to her, so he doesn’t see the pill she pops in her mouth. I can’t believe she’s doing that with him in the room. She’s crazy.
“Hey Arn, you check out the bedrooms yet?” If there is one thing to get him out of here, it’s the idea of getting laid.
Arnie raises an eyebrow at me. “Good lookin’ out, bro.” He points at Dani and says, “We’re all getting laid tonight!” I give him a thumbs-up. Yeah, sure.
After he leaves, I turn to Dani. “What the fuck was that?”
She shrugs and sits on the counter. “It’s a party, right?”
“Nick isn’t stupid, Dani. He can tell when you’re high.”
“No, he can’t.” She smiles and takes another drink from the water bottle. “Neither can you.”
She’s out of control. Maybe I should pull back on the pills I’ve been giving her. I thought she could handle it. I gave her six on Tuesday and she was already out yesterday morning. She texted me and asked if I had any more gifts I could spare. I slipped another four in her pocket when Nick and I picked her up from work yesterday. I don’t know what I was smoking when I thought giving Dani pills was a good idea. It’s just that she looks so happy. She’s high, yes. But it isn’t like when we get high. We’re bouncing out of our skin. Dani looks content, like she can finally unravel the cord around her neck and breathe. Maybe I’m wrong for giving her pills, but I’ll do whatever little I can to be the one that makes her smile.
