Thizz, a Love Story, page 14
FUCK!
Dani must feel it too, because she drops her arms and spins away from me. I back out of the room and answer it in the hall.
“Matt! Can you hear me?” Nick yells. I hope the music on his end drowns out the beat coming from my room.
“Yeah, what’s up?” I can’t believe Nick has the audacity to call and ruin what could have been the best moment of my life, even if it was with his girl. I’m a dick.
“How’s Dani?” he asks as the music on his end fades into the background. “Is she sleeping?”
I move back towards the door to watch her. “No, she’s awake.” She’s standing at the desk with a bottle of water in her hand. Her hips sway slightly to the music as she takes a sip and I bang my head on the doorframe. “She’s good.” So good.
“Where are you?” Nick questions. “What’s that music playing?”
Oh shit.
“Oh uh, Ashley came down. She’s playing a CD.” It isn’t really a lie.
“Fuck, does she know where I am?”
“No, I covered for you. I told her you were playing ball with K.” As I tell him this, I realize how lame it sounds. Luckily, Nick is too wound up to care.
“Good lookin’ out. Tell her I’ll be there in an hour.”
“I will, dude.” I close my phone and I’m hit with a healthy dose of guilt. What am I doing? Dancing with Dani, giving her a second pill. I can’t even blame it on thizz. I’m totally fucking sober.
When I step back in the room, Dani is trying to restart the song. I move behind her, and she turns her face towards mine. Feeling her warm breath on my neck makes what I’m about to say very difficult. “Nick’s coming.” I turn the volume down as the song starts over.
She shrugs and sits on my bed. I snatch the water bottle from her hand even though there are fresh ones on the desk. I want to drink from the same bottle as her. The water tastes like nothing, just water, but any way my lips can touch hers is a win. I can’t believe Nick let me kiss her. I wonder if he would have given his permission if it was Arnie. For some reason I get the feeling he was doing it for me, as a favor or something. It sounds fucked up, but why else would he let another dude kiss his girl? I’m a fucking asshole and a shitty friend. Nick trusts me with Dani; I can’t abuse that trust.
“I don’t want to go home yet.” She looks at me with a hopeful expression. “Should I call Nick and tell him I want to stay here?”
“Yeah, I mean, if you want.” I try to sound indifferent. Like her staying isn’t going to make my day, my year. Stop it! She’s Nick’s girl. He should be here with her, not me. But she’s looking at me with a fucked-up thizz smile and the angry gorilla in my chest is screaming Fuck Nick.
I dial Nick’s number and hand her my phone. I hear the roar of the crowd and the music thumping from across the room. I wonder what she’s thinking. He obviously isn’t at the beach. She waits until the background noise fades to speak. “Hi, it’s Dani,” she says quickly. Nick wouldn’t be expecting anyone but me to call from my cell. He’s going to kill me. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m fine here with Matt.”
I don’t hear Nick’s reply, I just watch Dani’s face for his reaction. “Nick? Are you there?” She makes a funny face when he doesn’t respond. She’s about to close the phone when I hear him say something. She quickly turns away from me. “I love you too,” she whispers and hangs up.
Ouch. The gorilla in my chest is now battling a wailing hyena of reason in my head.
What the fuck are you thinking? She loves him.
I don’t care. I don’t care about tomorrow or Nick or anything. I have Dani with me now. She’s high as hell and maybe not thinking clearly. I don’t care. I’ll let her decide what will and won’t happen.
Dani hands my phone back, then leaves to use the bathroom. I put on a new CD. It’s a mix of chick songs, Norah Jones and Pink. It seems like a better choice than hip-hop at the moment. I close the blinds to block the morning sun and gulp down a bottle of water. My shirt is damp with sweat. I pull it off and tear through my drawer for a fresh one. I pull out a white t-shirt and my phone buzzes. Not again.
“Where’s Dani?” Nick’s voice is harsh. I’m sure he’s pissed I let her call him. It was a dick thing to do.
“She’s in the bathroom.” I don’t want to be on the phone with Nick right now. Just hearing his voice makes the hyena shriek—You fucking loser!
“Look dude, thanks for doing this. I owe you. I’ll be there soon to pick her up, alright?”
I’m an asshole. Nick doesn’t yell at me for letting Dani call him or even question why I let her. He thanks me. He says he owes me. I don’t deserve Nick or his thanks. “No problem, dude.” We’re about to hang up when I remember Dani is high as fuck. She can’t go home, not yet. “Don’t rush back, she’s cool. Now that Ashely left, she’ll probably crash.” I try to sound as casual as possible. He can’t find out I gave her another pill.
“Well, I’ll come over and hang out then. We can go get breakfast.”
Hanging out is better than going home. “That’s cool,” I say, hoping he doesn’t detect the disappointment in my voice.
“You’re my boy, Matt. Thanks for taking care of my girl.”
His girl, I repeat in my head as I close my phone. The pill I took is long gone. I can’t do this, I can’t play this game with Dani. I grab the extra blanket from the foot of my bed and lay it out on the floor. The gorilla mumbles something about me being a pussy before retreating back into the jungle alone. I need to go to sleep before I do something I’ll really regret. No lines have been crossed. I can close my eyes with a clean conscience and still look my best friend in the eye. I don’t want to fuck that up.
“What are you doing?” Dani asks from the doorway.
“Sleeping,” I snap. Unconsciousness is the only way to keep me from doing, saying, or thinking things I shouldn’t. Sleeping is the safest way to pass the time until Nick shows up.
“You don’t have to sleep on the floor. There’s enough room for both of us.”
My sour mood doesn’t affect her—nothing will at this point. She picks up the blanket, wraps it around her body, and hops onto my bed like we’re having a slumber party. Maybe that’s all she sees me as, an innocent friend, no different than Ashley. Someone she can dance with or sleep next to. She doesn’t see me as a threat either. I’m a loser for even believing I stood a chance with her.
“Come on, Matty.” She pats the space next to her and adjusts the blanket to make a cocoon around her body.
I want to be mad, but the only person I can blame is me for thinking she wanted me. I lie beside her and try to ignore the warmth of her seeping through the blanket. I just want to sleep. I close my eyes, and a few minutes later she says my name.
“Hey Matt.”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t tell Nick about the second pill, ok?”
She doesn’t even know Nick’s rules, but she’s smart enough to realize taking a second pill here, with me, may not have been a good idea. “It’s our secret.” I hold up my pinky, and she links hers around mine. How can I be pissed about anything with her lying beside me?
“And Matt,” she says in almost a whisper. “I know he wasn’t at the beach.”
My heart races at being caught in a lie. I was hoping thizz would make her forget. I need to explain. I don’t want her to think I’m a liar, even if I am. “I’m sorry…” I start to apologize, but Dani stops me.
“It isn’t your job to lie to me.”
It is my job to lie. I’m a fucking liar. If she ever finds out, she’ll hate me.
Dani brushes her hair off her face then places her arm across my chest. “Goodnight, Matt.” She looks at the sun shining through the blinds. “I mean, good morning.” She laughs a soft, tired laugh. Her body may be exhausted, but I know the pill she took will keep her from sleep. Against my better judgement I lift my arm and wrap it around her. I pull her closer and she nuzzles my neck. I concentrate on her breathing, matching it with my own until I drift off to sleep.
The rhythmic sound of running water is soothing. I run my hand over my arms and feel the tiny bumps that cover every inch of my skin. My body is so screwed up that I’m getting goose bumps even though the water is scalding me. Everything is still a blur. I’m just starting to catch glimpses as I replay the day over in my head.
Sleep and thizz don’t really mix. My eyes close, my body relaxes, but my brain keeps working. I can never tell if the images, the conversations, or the feelings are real. Or cruel hallucinations. Even after I wake up, nothing feels real. Thizz has ruined my reality, everything is questionable. Did I dance with Matt? Was I fantasizing about him kissing me, or did it really happen? I opened my eyes today and found Nick staring down at me. The warmth and glow of his hazel eyes had vanished. He glared at me cuddled next to Matt with a blank, unflinching expression. I unraveled myself from the blanket and sat up. I asked him what time it was. He didn’t answer. He asked Matt where his cell phone was. His jaw was tight, the words controlled like he was trying not to explode. Matt found the phone buried under his pillow. Nick snatched it from his hand. “The ringer is off,” he snapped. Matt didn’t say a word. He just stared at the ground like a remorseful child. “Next time I call,” he paused and looked at me. I pretended to be preoccupied with my shoe laces. “Next time I call, you better fucking answer.” He shoved the phone in Matt’s chest and walked out the door.
We didn’t speak on the ride home. He stopped in front of Lucy’s and asked me to be ready in an hour. He said we needed to talk. Nick and I don’t talk. We chat, we kiss, we thizz. Talking implies something serious, and we don’t do serious. We keep it light and fun. The only thing we’re serious about is getting high.
I turn off the shower and reach for a towel, thinking about what I would do if Nick broke up with me. It is possible. He did find me sleeping with Matt. We were literally sleeping, but it still might be considered wrong, and that’s only because it felt so right. I’m not in the habit of making excuses for my actions. I’ve never had to until now. I never did anything worth hiding. All I’ve done since I moved to Eureka is hide. It’s why I came here in the first place. I’m sick of it. The only time I feel normal is when I’m not. Thizz makes it easier to pretend my life isn’t totally fucked up. I have to pretend a lot less when I’m with Matt. He knows more about me than anyone because I’ve given him a glimpse of my old life. Nobody knows both sides of me. Being with Matt would make my life a lot easier. So would the box of pills he has hidden in his closet. No longer being Nick Marino’s girl wouldn’t be so bad if Matt and I could at least be friends. There is only one thing I need to get through the next eight weeks—thizz. I don’t see my future without it. Not being with Nick means no longer worrying about my clothes or hair or plucking my eyebrows.
I open the bathroom door and a cloud of steam escapes into the hall. I walk up the creaky stairs to my room, hugging a towel to my damp body. I really need another few hours of sleep to function, but I don’t have time. Nick will be here soon. The only thing that went right today was Lucy not being home when I got here. She left a note on the kitchen counter saying she was at Johnson’s. Beside the note was a cell phone. My new cell phone. Now she can get a hold of me whenever she wants.
My skin erupts in goosebumps as I tear through a pile of clothes on the bed. I’m freezing, but I don’t know if it’s the air or the thizz still disrupting my body temperature. I finally settle on black low-rise jeans and a shirt Lucy bought me during her last shopping spree. It’s a black t-shirt with a big glittery D on the chest that makes me look like a craft store super hero.
I pick up my dirty jeans and take out the pills I stole from Matt. I put the pills in my memory box and finish getting dressed, leaving one on the desk.
Nick’s car rumbles to a stop outside. I have to get this over with. I grab my Vans, pulling them on without socks. I lift Nick’s hoodie from my desk chair and bury my face in it. I’ve had it a week, but it still smells like him. More like car exhaust than jasmine at this point, but still one hundred percent Nick. I do have feelings for Nick, they just aren’t the feelings I want them to be. Nick is a nice guy, he deserves better than me. I lay the hoodie on my bed and leave. I’ll keep it as a souvenir.
When I reach the front door, I take a long deep breath before opening it. I’ve survived worse things than being dumped by a boy.
Nick reaches over from the driver’s side and unlocks the door as I approach. I open it and get in. Before I have the door closed, he speaks.
“Look Dani, I’m sorry for being a jerk. I never should have acted the way I did this morning. I guess I was just jealous. You know, seeing you sleeping next to Matt. I want to be the only guy you sleep with.” He leans his head towards me and offers a sexy smile. “I shouldn’t have left you.” His eyes are cast down, staring at his hand resting on top of mine.
He’s sorry? He’s apologizing to me? Nick has to be one of the most trusting, forgiving people I’ve ever met. I wasn’t prepared for this. I was so ready for a break-up that I’m disappointed by the apology. He still wants me as his girl. I suddenly regret not doing my hair and taking that pill. If he isn’t going to dump me, then we’ll probably hang out all afternoon. If he can tell I’m high, he’ll ask who gave me the pill, and I don’t want to get Matt into trouble.
Nick squeezes my hand and my thoughts come back to him. He’s apologizing to me, hoping I’m not mad at him, and I’m thinking about protecting Matt. It looks like my life is about to get a whole lot more complicated. Nick turns my chin and forces me to face him. I’m scared he’ll see the betrayal in my eyes for allowing him to feel bad for leaving me. I’ll take Matt’s company over some stupid frat party any day.
I don’t know what to say. Am I supposed to pretend I’m mad? That I care? I really hope this pill kicks in soon so I don’t have to care.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers as he brushes his lips against mine. He thinks it’s his fault I was cuddled in bed with his best friend. I’m the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends. I should tell him he’s wrong. I should tell him how I feel about Matt, but I don’t. I can’t hurt him like that. The truth is cruel, and it will destroy him. I don’t want to be responsible for his happiness, for anyone’s happiness. The power is too great for someone to have over another person. I thought Nick held the key to my happiness, but I was wrong. It isn’t Nick or Matt, or even me. It’s thizz. Now that I have my own stash, I’m in control.
I force a smile and kiss Nick on the cheek. The light in his eyes comes flooding back. The nerves in my fingers, the ones gripping Nick’s hand, start to vibrate. The feelings of dread and regret start to fade as my third pill in twenty-four hours starts to kick in.
Nick is a good guy. I should really appreciate his feelings for me. He pulled me from the ashes of my destroyed life and gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. A reason to shower and put on clean socks. I owe it to him to be the girl he thinks I am. I will be the girlfriend he deserves. “I love you,” I tell him, wishing to God it didn’t feel like a lie. I have feelings for Nick, I just don’t know how real they are since every single word I’ve ever uttered to him, every feeling I’ve ever had for him, has been on thizz. Me and Nick don’t exist without thizz.
He looks at me like I’m the most precious thing in the world. “I know you do.” He’s so certain my words are real. Maybe he sees something I don’t. If Nick feels loved by me, maybe that’s enough.
We walk into the Lost Coast Brewery and get seated immediately. Our waiter, who seems overjoyed to be serving us, doesn’t bother carding Nick when he orders a beer. They shake hands like they know each other. I don’t know why this still surprises me—everyone knows Nick Marino. He might as well have his face on a dollar bill.
I try to hide any sign that the pill I took is kicking in. I place my tongue in between my teeth to keep from grinding and attempt to limit my fidgeting by sitting on my hands. I smile like my jaw doesn’t ache as Nick talks about the party he’s throwing for his birthday.
Focus, Dani. He’s talking about getting Audiodub to play the party. Oh no, that fell through. He’s getting a DJ from one of the radio stations based in San Francisco. “That’s awesome.” I sit up and lean towards the table like I’m really excited. I am. I love parties. Especially parties that involve thizz. And Nick plans on making sure his party is epic. While Nick rambles about DJs, I drink half my soda and get a little rush from the caffeine. Our waiter returns a few minutes later and places a plate of nachos on the table. “Let me know if you need anything else.” Nick sends him away and digs into the pile of soggy chips.
We eat without much conversation. Nick continues talking about his birthday. He’s working up to something, I can tell. He runs his hand nervously through his hair several times. “When I turn eighteen, I get a small inheritance,” he says as our waiter reappears.
“Can I get you another beer?” The waiter asks as he lifts Nick’s glass from the table. Nick orders a second beer and I decide to try one. Our eager waiter promises the Raspberry Brown Ale is a favorite of all the ladies and disappears to get our drinks.
“I’m going to use the money to go into business with my uncle.” He clears his throat.
His uncle owns a bar in North Beach, a few blocks from where I used to live. “You want to invest in your uncle’s bar?”
“Well, sort of. His real business is…” he stops when our waiter returns with our drinks.
He sets the glasses on the table and says they are compliments of the gentlemen at the bar. “They said this round is on them.” We turn towards the bar, and two large men in leather vests wave at us from across the restaurant.
“Let’s go.” Nick pulls out a wad of cash. The bundle has to be at least four inches thick. He pulls out a hundred dollar bill and tosses it on the table. “Keep the change,” he says. He stands so quickly his chair falls backwards onto the floor. All the color seems to have drained from Nick’s face. He takes my hand and I stumble towards the exit.
