Thizz, a Love Story, page 19
“Come here.” She reaches for my hand and places a pill in my palm. Then she hands me her bottle of water.
“Let’s be crazy together.” She pulls her bottom lip with her teeth and smiles. My smile.
I’m wrong. She isn’t out of control. She’s insane.
And I don’t give a fuck.
We’re standing on the beach behind the house toasting Nick’s birthday. It’s me, Matt, Alex, Arnie, and Aurora. It’s almost eight and I’ve already taken two pills. I’m nervous about tonight. About having sex with Nick. I’ve already made up my mind that tonight is the night. I want to get this over with. I want to give Nick the most precious gift a girl can give a guy. I owe him. He gave me thizz; it’s the least I can do.
Alex is passing around a joint. When it gets to me I take a hit then pass it back. It burns far worse than I ever thought it would. Nobody seems to notice me choking to death as Nick gives his no freebies and no fights speech. I stop listening because my throat is on fire, but the rush feels amazing. I start to dance to the music already pouring out of the house. The DJ must have finished setting up. I can’t wait to go inside and dance. That’s how fucked up I am.
When Alex offers me the joint again, Nick intercepts. “Nah dude, she doesn’t smoke.”
I’m a little peeved that Nick cut me off. He’s not the boss of me. Before I can mount an argument, Matt appears before me with a gift—two hits of thizz. I take the pills and smile. A big goofy smile.
Arnie yells, “Two to the face!” and shoves a bottle of tequila in my hand.
I wash the pills down with a swig from the bottle since my throat is still burning from the weed. I don’t even gag, that’s how high I am.
We head in the house and disperse among the crowd. I dance and laugh and drink until I’m dizzy, but not really spinning. Just seeing things in fast motion. Too fast. I need to lie down or drink a bottle of water or maybe take another hit off that joint. I stumble into the hall, feeling like I just ran a marathon. A door opens and I fall inside. I slide to the ground and curl up on the rug. I lie there for an hour, a minute, I don’t know. Time doesn’t exist on the floor.
The next thing I know, I’m being helped outside. “I don’t wanna leave,” I slur as Nick and Matt talk over me.
“Dude, she is fucked up. How many did she take?” Nick sounds like he’s freaking out.
They set me on a chair. I remember this secluded area from my tour with Nick earlier. We’re in the side yard with the fire pit and chairs set up to watch the sunset. There are large plastic shields blocking out the wind.
“Two, I only gave her two.” Matt’s voice drips in guilt.
“Shit, you don’t think she took anything else, do you?”
“Like what? Plus, who would give it to her?” Matt is such a bad liar.
“What should we do?” I look up and see Nick pacing and running his hand over his head. The constant movement starts to make me sick, so I close my eyes.
“I’ll stay with her, you go back inside.” Matt suggests.
“No, I won’t leave her again.” Nick kneels down next to me and strokes my face. His cool hand feels nice against my skin, almost as nice as the tingly feelings rushing through my body. I reach for his hand and guide it lower. He pulls away quickly and smiles at my naughty behavior.
I’m feeling brave. I want to go back upstairs right now.
“Dude, we have to sell the rest of this shit tonight,” Matt interrupts. “This is our payday. You want to leave it all up to Arnie?”
I wonder if Matt really cares about selling their stash or if he’s just trying to get me alone. I hope it’s about sales, because I don’t think I will be able to hold back my feelings in my current mental state.
“I know, dude.” I can tell from the pitch in Nick’s voice that he is really high right now. “Dani, I’ll be inside. I’m not leaving you,” he insists. He kisses me on the lips and whispers I love you in my ear.
“I love you,” I whisper back. At least I think I did. I can’t tell if I’m speaking aloud.
“Dani, how many did you take today?” Matt’s tone is harsh, scared.
Matt cares about me in his own way. I knew it. He always looks out for me. He keeps me happy. Makes sure I have pills. He’s my best friend.
“Dani,” the shrill of Matt’s voice brings me back to earth. “How many pills did you take?” He’s practically on top of me, trying to coax a response.
How many? How many what? Oh yeah. I hold up my hand and count out one, two, three, four fingers and show them to Matt.
Matt stares at my fingers. Once he finishes counting, his eyes pop out of his head. “Fuck! Fuck!” Now he’s pacing around my chair. “Dani, what the fuck!”
Oh no, wrong answer. He’s mad at me. “Sorry, Matty.” My mouth is so dry it’s hard to form words. I take a mouthful of water from the bottle in my hand, swishing it around before I swallow. I feel the chilly water slide through my chest before it hits my empty stomach.
“I’m fucked if Nick finds out I’ve been giving you pills!” Matt reappears in my line of sight. “Do you hear me? Are you even listening to what I’m saying?”
I shake my head. “Sorry, Matt.”
“That’s it, I’m cutting you off. You only take what Nick gives you. No more on the side.”
He’s talking crazy. I don’t know why he’s so mad. I wish I knew what to say to make him feel better.
“This is my fault. I shouldn’t have…I was being selfish. I’m sorry.”
“Why?” I smile. “I’m not sorry. I’m happy.” I attempt to sit up, but my hand slides through the plastic lines of the lawn chair and I fall over.
“You are so wasted.” Matt laughs and helps me up. “You’re lucky you’re with us, otherwise half the guys here would be trying to take advantage of you.”
“You’re the only one here in a position to take advantage of me.” A warm tingly feeling flows through me at the thought.
“I know,” he says quietly. He squeezes my hand tighter.
“Thank you for restraining yourself.”
“Believe me, it’s hard.” He smiles mischievously.
“Is it really that difficult?”
“No, I mean it’s really hard.”
I laugh at his crude joke and feel him relax beside me. He’s fucked up, too.
The last time we were this high together was the night nothing happened. Not because I didn’t want it to. Matt made sure I didn’t do anything I would regret. “Well, I’m never worried, you know why?” I point my finger at Matt. “Because I know you watch out for me.” My breathing becomes erratic when the tip of my finger comes in contact with his chest. “You always look out for me, because you love me.” I said that out loud. I can tell by the way Matt is looking at me.
I thought I knew all of Matt’s faces, but this one is brand new. “Yes, you crazy girl.” Matt strokes my face then checks the back door. “I love you.”
His words vibrate in my ear. I feel everything he is saying. I close my eyes and let my senses take over as Matt’s emotions emanate from his body into mine. I feel his hand on my cheek and his breath on my face. When I open my eyes, his mouth is inches from mine.
“I love you too,” I breathe into the space between us. He smiles and holds me another few seconds before breaking away. I feel like he’s just dropped me from a cliff. I reach for his hand, and he slowly pulls it away.
He sits on the edge of the lawn chair with his back to me and runs his hand over his face. He moans in desperation or frustration, maybe a little of both.
A few minutes pass and I start to realize what I’ve just said to Matt. What he just admitted to me. I want to say something, change the subject, but the reggae song we danced to in his room echoes into the yard. All gloves are off. Thizz takes over.
“Remember that night?” I slide my hand down Matt’s bare arm.
He nods, but refuses to look at me. He’s still trying to be strong.
“You know I wouldn’t have said no.” My heart beats at a fast, steady rhythm.
Matt’s head snaps in my direction. His eyes are full of emotion. “I wanted to kiss you.” He stares into my eyes, daring me to look away.
I accept his dare and look directly into his blue eyes. “Do you want to kiss me now?”
“I’ve wanted to kiss you every day since the day I met you.”
I’m not sure if my heart is racing at the thought of his lips on mine or for the utter betrayal I feel for wanting him to do it. The moment is getting way too intense. I bite my lip and look away, unsure of what I want to happen next. What I want and what is right are not the same thing. I can’t let Matt betray his best friend. Especially on his birthday. I’m a shitty girlfriend, we’ve established that. Matt is a good friend, the best. I can’t drag him down to my level. I need to stop this now.
“You’re a good dancer,” I blurt out.
Matt laughs at my lame compliment and pulls back. “You’re a horrible dancer.”
“What!” I pretend to be offended. “Help me up!”
Matt watches me struggle to stand then offers his hand and yanks me to my feet. I’m not ready for the sudden burst of movement, and I fly into his chest, knocking him back a few steps. His arms wrap around me for support. Suddenly the backdoor opens and sounds from the party fly out into the sanctuary Matt and I have created. Matt tosses me back onto the chair. I put my hand out to stop my fall, but it slips through the plastic and my head hits the chair’s metal base.
“Oh shit, sorry Dani.” Matt helps me up. “Are you ok?”
Instead of offering my stock answer of yes, I shrug my shoulders and tilt my hand back and forth. Matt isn’t ready for the honesty. “Are you hurt, or is it—” He stops himself from continuing.
My mouth is suddenly filled with the salty taste of tears. There is something about Matt that allows me to be honest about my feelings. It’s something I can’t do with Nick. I feel emotionally safe with Matt. With Nick, I feel safe because I won’t have to show emotion. I feel him pull back slightly when the back door opens then relax again when it closes.
“Nick’s going to come out here and wonder why you’re crying.”
“I’ll tell him you hit me.”
“Yeah right. Seriously, we should get out of here. We can sneak out the side gate and go for a walk.”
I can’t tell if Matt is serious or not. I know he would gladly take me anywhere I asked, but we both know leaving isn’t an option. At least leaving the backyard is out of the question, but eventually we’ll both leave Eureka.
“I want to go to Berkeley.”
“Can we limit it within walking distance?”
“NO! I mean I want to go to UC Berkeley in the fall.” I declare it officially for him and for me as I wipe tears from my cheeks.
“I know. And I’ll be at Stanford. We’ll be rivals,” Matt says with false enthusiasm.
I settle back into my chair and a sense of relief washes over me. This is the first time I’ve admitted I want to leave Eureka, leave this all behind. A Mac Dre song comes on, and the house erupts in cheers. “Where do you think Nick will be next year?”
Matt exhales loudly and moves to the chair next to me. “I have no idea.”
“Let’s go find Nick.” I stand and offer Dani my hand. If I stay out here any longer, I’m not sure I can stop myself from doing or saying something I can’t take back. I’ve already said too much.
Dani takes my hand and doesn’t let go, even after we walk into the house. If she doesn’t care, neither do I. The crowd looks like it doubled in size. We squeeze through the kitchen, into the living room. I spot Nick in the corner, surrounded by chicks. Luckily, Dani’s too short to see over the crowd. I don’t think seeing Nick in a circle of sluts would make her very happy right now. I stop to see if we can make it back to the kitchen just as the thizz national anthem pumps into the room. The house explodes and everyone starts dancing. Including us. I turn Dani so her back is towards Nick. I don’t want to ruin this moment, her mood. I spot Arnie over Dani’s head. He’s got some chick bent over in front of him. Fucking Arnie. K and a couple of cheerleaders are dancing next him. K yells my name and points at me. I point back and Dani turns around to see who I’m looking at. Suddenly, she stops dancing.
I follow her line of sight to Nick, who is smiling at an Angelina Jolie lookalike. She slides her arms around his neck, and he lets her. He doesn’t realize his girlfriend is watching some hot girl rub up on him. I have to save him. I yell his name as loud as I can. K sees me shouting and looks at Nick. He cups his hand halfway around his mouth and yells. Nick doesn’t look up. I feel Dani move away, towards him. I yell one more time and catch Arnie’s attention. I point down at Dani and then to Nick. He tosses his chick to the side and slides through the crowd. I can’t read his lips or hear what he’s saying, but Nick slips out of the girl’s arms. He dances through the crowd, giving high fives as he goes. He finally reaches us and lifts his hands above his head in a double high five to me. He gives me a small look of appreciation and then turns all his attention to Dani.
Where it belongs.
I take a long pull from my joint and put it out on the wall. I don’t know why I volunteered to wait for the pizza guy. Everyone is still too fucked up to eat. Nick and Arnie have been pushing sales hard tonight.
“You want some company?” Dani closes the front door and wraps her arms around herself. “It’s cold out here.”
I pull off my Stanford sweatshirt and offer it to her. She takes it and pulls it over her head. “You look good in my colors.”
She smiles and rests her head on my shoulder. “You’re sweet.”
This is the reason I started giving her the pills. Moments like this, when it’s just us. When Nick and Arnie are making sales and we’re stuck in a side yard or in the car together. A hug, a smile, a look from Dani is all I ever wanted. I put my arm around her, pretending to keep her warm. I’ll use any excuse to hold her. “You don’t have to wait with me.” I pull her tighter. I don’t want her to go, but it’s the right thing to say. “Go back inside and hang out with your friends.”
“You’re my only friend.”
I want to say something more, tell her I love her again. I know I can’t. But I really fucking want to. I let her go and shove my hands in my pockets.
She wraps her arms around my left arm and snuggles me. “This time next year we’ll be in college.”
I can’t tell if she’s being thoughtful or implying something.
“Stanford isn’t that far from CAL.” She lifts her head and looks at me. “Just a train ride away.”
What is she saying?
“We can still see each other on the weekends and stuff.”
“Yeah, of course.” I don’t want to think that far ahead. I have to remember who she is now. I have to assume Nick will be in the picture. It’s the right thing to do. He’s still my best friend, she’s still his girl. If they break up, it won’t be because of me. If she breaks up with him, I can’t date her, ever. It will have to be Nick’s decision if they decide to end things. The only way I can be with Dani is if I know Nick doesn’t want her. Since that is highly unlikely, then I’m pretty much dreaming. “We can all get together and hang out. It’ll be cool.”
“Oh.” She lets my arm go. “Yeah, of course, all of us.” She leans against the wall away from me and wraps her arms around herself and looks towards the street.
I want to punch myself in the face. I let her believe I don’t want to see her. That I don’t want her. I had to. It’s the right thing to do. “It’s freezing out here.” Weather seems to be a safe topic.
“Yeah.” She puts her hands inside the sleeves of my sweater and blows on them. In some sick way, it turns me on. “Does it ever snow here?”
“No. It doesn’t get that cold. Last New Year’s Eve was the closest we ever got to snow. It hailed pretty hard but it never snowed.”
Dani rests her head against my arm again and says, “I know. I was here.”
“You were in Eureka?”
She nods.
“That’s crazy. Nick and I were at a house party that isn’t too far from Lucy’s.” I remember the chick Nick hooked up with that night. She was a senior when we were freshmen. She was like the holy grail of hot chicks in our school. And Nick got her. He gets all the girls.
“My parents died last year on New Year’s Day.” Dani clears her throat.
Holy shit. I’m standing here thinking about Nick getting laid and Dani’s thinking about her parents. I’m an asshole.
“We were supposed to go home the day after Christmas, but Lucy begged my mom to stay for her birthday. Lucy was born on New Year’s Eve. I always think, if we left earlier or a day later…” she trails off.
I’ve wondered about Dani’s parents ever since she told me they were killed. I never ask her any questions, because, well, the death of your parents doesn’t make for good conversation.
“It happened right under the Bay Bridge.” She’s shaking, and I wonder how much of it is from the cold. “It was foggy that night. I remember looking up at the sky and only seeing gray. No stars. No moon. I don’t want to die on a foggy day.”
“You’re not going to fucking die.” I pull her into my arms and hear her sniffle. “You’re safe here. Nobody is going to hurt you.” I kiss the top of her head and squeeze her tighter.
“I know, but I’m scared. I’m scared to leave. I’m scared to stay. I’m not the same person I was last year. I don’t know who I am.” She isn’t crying, but I hear the threat of it in her voice.
“I know who you are. You’re Dani DiMarco. I won’t let you forget that.” It’s moments like this that I hate Nick. I hate him for not being the one to comfort her. I hate him for not knowing who she is. He’s never here for the bad; he only gets the good. The smiles, the kisses, maybe even more.
