“Who is this guy anyway? He’s been hanging around the banquet hall all night. Frankly, I’m worried about him.”

  “Shh! He may not look like much, but I gather he’s one of Lady Dustiness’s companions…”

  “Him?! That guy who looks more like a run-of-the-mill citizen than an adventurer?”

  “Isn’t he the NEET masquerading as Princess Iris’s playmate? The other day, I saw him force his maid to wait out in the castle garden because he wanted to sleep until evening.”

  You all know I can hear you, right?

  But I ignored the whispers.

  “I’m, you know, I’m on pretty good terms with Darkness, and she’s a noble, right? That means that for me, no matter how righteous this thief might be and no matter how popular they are as a defender of the defenseless, they’re my enemy. I mean, Darkness’s house could be next!”

  “H-hey! My family hasn’t done anything to deserve being targeted by that thief!”

  Darkness tried to protest her innocence, but I balled up my fist and exclaimed, “Come on, Darkness! We’ve brought down generals of the Demon King—we can solve a little mystery! It must be fate that brought us to the capital! Righteous or not, stealing is stealing. We can’t overlook it!”

  Darkness didn’t seem entirely convinced, and she fixed me with a dubious stare. “Y-you’re not wrong, but… You’ve never had a moral compass before. Why now? What are you plotting?”

  “I, uh, just thought that if I caught this thief, maybe I could hang out at the castle a little longer…”

  “Wh-why, you…!” Claire sounded absolutely exasperated, but before she could finish what she was saying…

  “That’s wonderful!” one of the nobles exclaimed, then began clapping. One after another, the rest joined in.

  “That’s Lady Dustiness’s companion for you! Er, not that any of us are worried about being targeted by the thief, of course…”

  “I hear this man has defeated several generals of the Demon King. I’ll bet he catches a dozen thieves before breakfast!”

  “I, too, have no reason to fear the thief, but the capture of such a ne’er-do-well can only be good! Again: no reason for me to worry, though!”

  What a transparent bunch.

  …But still, this was good for me. Catching the thief would be my pretext for staying at the castle. If I actually did manage to make good on this project, I could probably stick around as long as I wanted, and I might even get a reward for my effort. And if I didn’t catch the thief, well, investigations can take a long time, and I could be with Iris in the meantime.

  Behind me, the princess was watching; her eyes were glittering with expectation. I never realized she was so eager to see her beloved elder brother at work! Well, just leave it to me! After I loll about at the castle awhile longer, I’ll get around to stopping that villain eventually!

  Claire looked at me, thinking about something for a moment, then she gave a nod and clapped her hands. “I see. Then here’s the plan, Master Kazuma. You’ll pick a noble house that seems a likely target and stay with them in order to stake out the place. If you really do manage to catch the thief, then we might be able to consider letting you stay at the castle.” She turned to the nobles. “I hope all of you will cooperate with Master Kazuma’s investigation!”

  …Huh?

  Chapter 3

  May There Be Divine Punishment for This Dashing Thief!

  1

  Well, that didn’t quite work out the way I’d planned. I had meant to prolong the investigation as much as I could, as an excuse to stay at the castle. But the next morning…

  “Seriously, Kazuma! Would it kill you to go one day without getting us in trouble? Dragging us into something like this—the nerve! Well, we’re in it now, so I’ll help you, but you never get to complain about my behavior ever again. Ugh, so annoying. Kazumannoying!”

  “She is right! You can never again call us troublemakers who only cause problems. Of course, we’re comrades, so I will help you rather than abandon you!”

  The two people who had done nothing but stuff their faces the night before were now lording it over me.

  I hadn’t asked either of them for their help, but when I tried to explain that to them, they insisted they would help anyway—no doubt in hopes of making me feel like I was in their debt.

  Given that I was trying to catch a thief, I frankly didn’t need either of them, but they seemed so gung ho about it that I decided to give up.

  And now, we came to the number one candidate for Evil Noble House the Thief Was Likely to Hit.

  “…and out of all the nobles in the city, you immediately came to me?”

  Of course, I was talking about the second home of Axel’s own despot, Alderp.

  Rumor had it the targets were always the worst-behaving noble houses. And there was no end of ugly talk about this guy, so I wouldn’t have been surprised if the thief showed up there.

  Alderp came to the door with a bodyguard at his side, not trying to hide his displeasure, and immediately began staring openly at Darkness’s body. I got it—Lewdness was lewd; I’d seen her in the bath, so I should know. But the way he was ogling her was pretty rude even by my standards.

  Maybe Alderp could sense me giving him the eye, because he shot a glance my way. It seemed awfully cold somehow, but he immediately looked away again, showing no interest in me, instead focusing on Aqua. And he didn’t look away from her. Aqua gave a little squeak and hid behind me.

  “…My. My! I should have expected Lady Dustiness would keep such fine company! What a beauty! I could only compare you to…to a goddess!”

  Aqua popped her head out from behind my back to interject. “That’s no comparison—I am a goddess!”

  “Ha-ha! Not just beautiful but funny, too!”

  “Ooh, you’re in for some divine punishment, mister!” Aqua shouted, but Alderp seemed to take that as a joke, too. And then his gaze turned to Megumin…

  “Well now, what have we here?”

  Just as I was wondering what would come out of his mouth next, the bodyguard beside him whispered something in his ear. He was far enough away to make it difficult to hear, but I could pick up snatches.

  “Lord…be c…you say. She’s the wiz…-ryone says is cra…”

  “Her?! …-angerous, I almost…mad!”

  I saw the lord’s face change color as they whispered.

  “Hey! I shall have you explain your motive for looking away from me. And depending on your answer, you’ll find out whether I am the person this man has been whispering to you about!”

  “O-oh, it’s just—you’re v-very sweet, and quite lovely…”

  “Oh yes? And? And?”

  Alderp, cornered by Megumin, looked to me for help.

  “…Hey! Don’t you have any more praise for the defender of Axel Town? I think I’d better demonstrate just how powerful my explosion magic can be. I’m going to need that garden over there.”

  “No! I’m fully aware of the magnificence of your talents!”

  …I think I’ll let this play out.

  “Er— Erm, Lady Dustiness, are you trying to say you believe I’m so evil as to be targeted by that thief? I was convinced you would never want to stay at my house, but I’m surprised to find you apparently hate me less than I thought. At the same time, I would have thought you were much too sophisticated to swallow a rumor hook, line, and sinker, and I would be most distraught if a bit of back-alley gossip has poisoned you against me. But if you really think I’m a likely target of that righteous thief, then by all means, stay here as long as you like.” As he spouted his pseudo pleasantries, Alderp struggled to suppress a lecherous grin.

  Darkness hurried to try to offer an excuse. “It’s not that we suspect you of anything… This is simply, uh, a phase of the investigation…”

  I pushed past her and slipped inside. “You heard the man—we can stay as long as we want! I call the biggest room!”

  “No fair, Kazuma! We should discuss things like this together! I want the room that’s closest to the kitchen.”

  “I want the highest room in the house! I do not mind even if that means staying in the attic!”

  As we ran into the house one after another, Darkness was left to mutter in embarrassment, “S-sorry. They can be a lot of trouble…”

  “N-not…at all… I can see it’s not easy for you, either, Lady Dustiness…,” Alderp replied. There was even a hint of sympathy in his voice.

  According to rumor, the righteous thief we were after worked alone.

  Apparently, their MO was classic Robin Hood: break in to a rich but evil noble’s house, steal some money, and then give it to the orphanage. And the handful of eyewitness accounts had it that this thief was quite dashing.

  Darkness muttered with a melancholy look, “What this thief is doing is a crime; it’s not praiseworthy. I know it’s not, and yet… Honestly, I really can’t get excited about stopping this person.”

  We were at Alderp’s mansion. I had annexed the nicest guest room as my quarters, and everyone had gathered there to work out how we were going to catch this thief.

  “Uh-huh. But stealing is stealing. I hate these ‘dashing’ types who call themselves ‘helpers of the helpless’ or ‘defenders of the citizenry’ or whatever.”

  Darkness and Megumin gave me odd looks at this pronouncement.

  “…Hmm. You don’t exactly have such an awful face yourself. I’ve been wondering, do you have some kind of complex about the word dashing? You wanna talk about it?”

  “I think you have a rather cool face, Kazuma. You needn’t be so self-deprecating.”

  “S-stop it, you two. Why are you being so nice all of a sudden? You’re gonna make me feel awfully small… What’s with you, Aqua, looking all serious?”

  She turned a beatific smile on me. “O wayward hikikomori, pray, do not criticize thyself too much. It is society’s fault you’re lazy, your upbringing can be blamed for your unpopularity, and your genes are at fault for your failure to flourish. No, blame not thyself but foist all responsibility onto others…”

  “Aw, shaddup, I’m not being that self-deprecating! My appearance is one thing, but at least my personality…! Hey, stop that, why are you all giving me those weird smiles? I keep up an average appearance, at least! Stop— Stop that! Stop being nice to me!”

  I pushed away the three unaccountably sweet girls and started brainstorming how to nab the thief.

  Apparently, they were usually active from about midnight until dawn. My intuition, refined through battle after battle in this world, told me that they would hit this house next.

  It looked like we might be here for a while.

  2

  It was our second day at Alderp’s mansion. I had left my assigned room and was wandering the house.

  This was purely in order to investigate how the thief might get in and what they might be after. I sized up the mansion from the outside, pretending I was a thief.

  Hmm, that kitchen window on the first floor is looking a little worn out. Maybe Alderp was too cheap to fix it. The frame was broken; even a rank amateur could work a stake in there and pry it open.

  Right. That was how I would try to get in.

  I went back inside and headed for the kitchen, imagining I had just broken in. Any invader would probably come late at night, so the hallway would be completely dark. The Second Sight skill was available only to Archers and Adventurers, so the thief would be feeling their way in the dark, moving slowly along the wall…

  As I followed the probable path, running this “thief simulation” in my head, I came to a snug little room. It didn’t look likely to have anything in it, but if I were a thief, I’d want to be sure. With that in mind, I opened the door…

  “Hrm? Oh, it’s you. There’s nothing in this room. Even if you don’t have anything to do, don’t just go wandering around the house.”

  Inside, I found Alderp.

  Like he said, there was nothing there, just a big mirror hanging on the wall.

  But then, what was he doing there?

  Then I saw the bucket and towel in Alderp’s hands. He must have been cleaning the room.

  Wait, isn’t that usually the servants’ job…?

  As I pondered this, a new figure appeared in the mirror on the wall.

  “Huh? What’s with this mirror? Is it some kind of magical item? Like, a magic mirror?”

  It was a maid.

  The next room over, it seemed, was the bath, which the maid was cleaning. I looked right at her, but she showed no sign of noticing me.

  …Hang on a second.

  “Hey, old man. You’re not really polishing that mirror, are you?”

  He looked away uncomfortably. “You… You want to look with me…?”

  “You think I’d agree to something like that? Did you buy this mirror specifically because Darkness was staying here? I mean, as a man, I understand, but… There has to be a line somewhere. I’ll keep this place a secret from my friends, but in exchange, you can’t use it while I’m here, okay? And just to be sure, I think I’ll sleep in this room. Come on, out, out, out!”

  I made a shooing motion at Alderp. His shoulders slumped sadly, and he started for the door…

  …but then he stopped.

  “Wait… But that means…”

  “Nuh-uh, stop right there! I don’t want any nasty little misunderstandings. I’m not like you! I’m doing this to protect my friends!”

  “Then there’s no need to sleep here! It would be enough to keep an eye on me while your friends were bathing. You get out of here! I wouldn’t expect a brat like you to have the proper reverence for Lalatina’s naked form!”

  “I hate to break it to you, but Darkness and I have already bathed together! But either way, I don’t plan to waste my valuable time keeping watch on you. You want me to tell Darkness—let alone your maids—that you have a room like this? I’m just trying to keep everybody happy, so if you don’t want every lady in the house to hate you, just keep your mouth shut!”

  “You want to tell the maids? Go ahead! I pay them very generous salaries—and besides, they’re maids! A bit of sexual harassment comes with the job! But let me tell you—what bodies they have! Sure you’re not interested? How about I propose a little trade? I can tell we’re of a kind, you and I; I can smell it on you. We’re just two men who both want to be happy.”

  “Are… Are their bodies really that great…?”

  “Indeed! Greater than great!”

  A moment passed. Then I silently extended my hand, and Alderp reached out to shake it…

  “Consider my interest piqued. I shall have you tell me what is so great.”

  Just as we were about to shake, a familiar voice came from the door. I hurriedly pulled my hand back.

  We didn’t need to look to see who it was. Alderp and I both pointed at each other and exclaimed:

  ““He was trying to peep at…!””

  And so the magic mirror was shattered.

  Three days had passed since we’d come to guard the house. There had been no sign of the thief yet; our lives went on peacefully, pretty much the way they had in Axel.

  Aqua and Darkness had been taking frequent trips out ever since they got to the capital, and I didn’t see much of them around the house. Aqua swore she was going to drive out the Eris Church, which was doing pretty well for itself around here, so she was off being annoying under the guise of evangelism.

  As for Darkness, the nobles at the castle had invited her to come and get to know them a little better the past several days.

  And me?

  “Oh, Kazuma, good morning. Although, it is already past noon.”

  Megumin greeted me as I came into the dining area just after waking up. She was having lunch.

  “I’m up late every night watching for that thief,” I said. “I’m not just living a dissolute life. And anyway, I recall hearing you hardly slept yourself while I was away.”

  “?! W-well, I— Yes, I was awake rather late those nights! But I got up early anyway! More to the point, do you think the thief will show up soon?!” She seemed a little panicky. She held a piece of half-eaten bread in her hand.

  What is this, some kind of romantic comedy?

  “What are you so worked up about? Does this mean Darkness was right? Were you worried about me? What a surprisingly sweet side of you…” I smirked teasingly at her, and Megumin blushed faintly.

  “I… Yes, I suppose I was worried. You’re so weak, but you get yourself into trouble so easily. And you don’t get yourself right back out of it, like the main character in some story. Instead you just get killed.”

  “I-it’s not like I enjoy getting myself into trouble or dying! Hey, quit it, when you turn thoughtful like that all of a sudden, how am I supposed to know what to do?!”

  This unexpected counterattack threw me off. Megumin just giggled.

  “And after all the things I tried back at the village… Kazuma, you can be rather meek and mild yourself.” Then she grinned, as if she was getting payback for my teasing her.

  Grr! It’s not like she has any romantic experience, either, so how is she so able to mess with me?

  Come to think of it, what even were we to each other right then? When Megumin said she “liked” me, what did that mean? If I took it at face value and said I liked her, too, she might have been all, I didn’t mean like that, I meant I liked you as a friend…

  I remembered how annoyed I used to get with characters in manga or light novels in Japan, where it was obvious they were in love, and readers would be like, Just notice each other already! Pick up the pace!

  But now I was actually in such a situation, and it was a lot more complicated than I’d thought.

  I hesitated to take a step forward, afraid of shattering the pleasant relationship we’d had until now. I mean, did I even really like her that way?

  Adolescent men are simple creatures. Hold their hand or show the slightest sign of interest, and they’ll be head over heels in the blink of an eye.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18