He was an advanced class and a high-level adventurer. Stealing his sword and using Drain Touch on him would keep me busy for a few minutes.

  “What’s that gesture? Steal? Too bad for you. Someone once defeated me using Steal, and ever since then I’ve carried around lots of junk as a countermeasure. Now, if you’ll just come quietly—”

  “Freeze!”

  I intoned my ice magic over Mitsurugi as he spoke. It was just Basic Magic, so Mitsurugi, sensing an attempt at a diversion, kept his eye on me and didn’t budge an inch. I walked casually up to him…

  “What do you think you’re doing? Try this on for s—?!”

  He tried to pull out his sword but was stunned to find the hilt had been frozen to the scabbard and he couldn’t get it out. I took the instantaneous window of opportunity to grab Mitsurugi by the nose and mouth with one hand.

  “Create Water!”

  “Glub?!”

  Mitsurugi clawed at my hand in a panic as water materialized inside his mouth and he started to drown where he stood.

  “Do you admit your defeat?” I called out. “Will you stand down?”

  Even as Mitsurugi gasped for breath, he gritted his teeth and made a fist…

  “Freeze!”

  “Hrk?!”

  Before he could raise it, though, I turned the water in his mouth and nose to solid ice.

  “Master Mitsurugi!” Claire screamed. I let him go and he fell to his knees, clutching his throat.

  “If you hurry and melt the ice, he probably won’t suffocate. Come on, anyone else think they’re stronger than him? …Chief, now! Away we go!”

  “I can never tell if you’re really weak or really strong. But I know I wouldn’t want you as an enemy.”

  The knights, intimidated by how I had made good on my threat to topple Mitsurugi in a flash, backed away. As Chris offered one of her usual quips, the two of us threaded our way past them.

  “Lain, do something about the ice in Master Mitsurugi’s throat—be a little rough if you have to! And you, what are you all doing?! How can there be so many of you and not one of you can land a blow? Master Mitsurugi may be out of the fight—but that doesn’t mean you should just let them through!”

  “But their Evade is so high—they must have the Flee skill! If they focus completely on running away…! All right, everyone, split into two groups! The thieves can’t possibly know the castle as well as we do! You guys, go around the other way!”

  “Everyone, please calm down! The thieves will soon be caught—so please, just stay calm!”

  As we approached, the nobles blanched and started running this way and that, hindering the knights. We took advantage of the confusion to use Bind on some of the knights in our way. The guards seemed to think we wouldn’t know the terrain, but I hadn’t just been wasting time wandering around the castle. If we could only get through here, then…!

  “Lowly Assistant, behind us! Someone’s coming!”

  At Chris’s warning, I looked back and saw that Lain had finished tending to Mitsurugi. Now she had her staff pointed at us and was intoning some magic spell.

  Claire was in a panic. “Princess Iris is just up ahead! We can’t let them keep going—even if it means killing them! If worse comes to worst, Lady Aqua can use her Resurrection spell! So don’t hold back, Lain!”

  The jewel on the end of Lain’s staff began to glow with a strange light. I grabbed the bow off my back, took aim at the end of the staff, and let it fly.

  “Deadeye!”

  “Yeek!” Lain gave a little shout and stopped moving as the gem shattered.

  Claire and the knights stood dumbfounded.

  “Who is that masked man anyway?! And why would such a capable person become a thief?!” I could hear Claire groaning in frustration as we dashed away.

  5

  “Iris’s room is just up ahead. Kindly put a wire trap here, Chief.”

  “You got it, Lowly Assistant. Just one, though. I’m getting a little tight on magic.”

  We had come out into the corridor that led to Iris’s room, and now we set a trap to stymie the pursuing knights. Using Flee to its maximum potential had gained us a lot of distance, leaving our pursuers quite a ways behind us. We stood before the door to the princess’s room. I opened it…

  “I’m impressed you made it this far, intruders. Protecting the people, protecting the country, and protecting the royal family—these are the duties of the Dustiness household. As long as I’m here—”

  I closed it again.

  “Don’t close the door on me! Why are you even here—?!”

  Darkness pulled the door open with a bang, but when she saw us, she stopped dead.

  She didn’t know it was us yet! She didn’t know!

  “Ch-Ch-Chief! Don’t just stand there trembling; we’ve got a job to do! I know how powerful this big, intimidating female knight looks, but don’t let her scare you! We have to do this—for the good of the nation!”

  “Y-y-y-you’re right, Lowly Assistant! This is for the good of the nation, and although we can’t tell anyone about it, it’s the right thing!”

  “So it is, Chief! Because no one else realizes the princess is wearing an exceedingly dangerous item! Gosh! If we hadn’t shown up, she could have been in real trouble!”

  Darkness’s frown deepened as we delivered this exposition thinly disguised as banter. But it was okay! She still didn’t know who we were!

  “Let’s go into the room together, Lowly Assistant! After that, we can both apologize!”

  “When you’re right, you’re right! I’m one hundred percent sure they’ll understand when we explain what was going on!”

  “H-hey…! Y-y-you two…”

  “Darkness, what’s going on? Didn’t I tell you the tone you take at the beginning of a battle is of utmost importance?”

  She was hidden behind Darkness, but apparently Megumin was there, too.

  “Stand aside. I can detain a thief or two! My MP hasn’t regenerated enough for me to use magic yet, but I am confident in my fisticuffs! In fact, earlier this very day I took on three thugs and won, so I’m sure…I…can…”

  Megumin had her staff at the ready, but when she saw us as we shoved our way into the room, she stopped moving.

  Okay! This is okay! Megumin’s a smart cookie. Even if she realizes who we are…

  “S-so cool…!”

  …then if we just explain how dangerous Iris’s divine item is, she’ll… Wait, what?

  As she looked at my face, Megumin was blushing and trembling.

  “What shall we do, Darkness? Surely this is the righteous thief! Who else would put on such a cool outfit and dress all in black to boot? What’s your name?! Have you decided the name of your thief gang yet?!”

  She really didn’t know who we were.

  “…Y-you accursed thieves… Um, now you’ll face the—uh, the Dustiness family’s…”

  Darkness sounded like she was reading from a script; she stood with her sword ready but without much conviction. Apparently, she’d figured out what we were here for and was going to cooperate with us. Her clenched fist was shaking, like she was struggling to endure something.

  What to do, what to do? I guess I’ll explain to her later. But in the meantime, to make things more believable, I’d better tie her up.

  “Bind!”

  As the rope wrapped itself around her, I thought I saw Darkness let out a little sigh, relief on her face. Now she had an excuse for not fighting back…

  Aqua’s voice echoed through the room. “Sacred Dispel!”

  Darkness was the target of the spell; the rope dropped limply to the floor.

  “It’s your bad luck I was here, huh?!” Aqua appeared from deeper in the room, still protectively clutching her bottle of booze. “I don’t have any idea what you want, but when I bring you in, I’m sure to get another bottle of great wine! As you can see, your skills are useless in the face of my power! Now, come quietly!”

  Damn it all! Why did she have to pick now to start being useful? It makes me so angry! Why can she never, ever take a hint about what’s going on?!

  “Now, Darkness! Get them! Megumin seems to have gone brain-dead—so you’re our only hope!”

  Free from Bind thanks to Aqua, Darkness had no choice but to raise her sword again, practically crying. Knights’ footsteps were approaching.

  “Chief! Thanks to that idiot, we can’t stay here any longer! Iris is in here! Let’s find her, and I’ll Steal—!”

  “Steal the Sacred Treasure! Great thinking! But…your Steal…”

  True. Against female targets, my Steal had an unusually high chance of coming up with a pair of panties.

  Then we heard the shouting behind us.

  “Cut through the wire, quick! The thieves are after Princess Iris!”

  We were out of time. It was possible I’d wound Iris in the process, but I’d do anything to increase my chances of nabbing the Sacred Treasure.

  “Y-you fiends shall not stand against my m-mighty sidesweep!” bellowed Darkness before taking a pitifully weak swipe at us. I ducked under her sword, and Chris and I headed farther into the room.

  “D’oh, Darkness, why do you have to be so dumb?! You don’t announce what attack you’re going to use! This is why everyone calls you a muscle head!”

  “…Sniffle.”

  A tear came into Darkness’s eye as she received a scolding from the real dumb one, the person who least understood what was going on here. Beside them, Megumin was watching me as if I were a hero at work.

  And then, from farther into the room—just where we were headed—Iris appeared, holding a bejeweled rapier low in her right hand, her left hand outstretched. And on that left hand was a ring, and the ring was letting off some kind of white light, and the light was getting brighter…!

  “Intruders! I am a member of the royal family. Know that I, too, have inherited the blood of heroes, and their power runs in my veins! I will not be easily carried…off…”

  She had been ready to fight like a tiger, but when she saw us, Iris’s eyes went wide. The glow from the ring faded, and her voice grew small.

  This was our chance!

  ““Steal!!”” Chris and I shouted together, hoping to steal something Iris was wearing.

  At the same moment, Claire shouted from behind us, “Your Highness! Are you all right?!”

  Damn! No time to see if we stole the right thing!

  “Let’s jump to the terrace from here, Lowly Assistant! Our good luck—there’s a pool right under it! If we just take a leap of faith…!” Chris, holding something, hustled past Iris.

  “It was only logical that that’s where you would go! I don’t know what you have there, but I won’t let you take it!”

  Aqua reached out her hand toward us.

  This damn goddess, dense to the very end!

  “Seal—!!”

  “Damn it allll!”

  Chris and I tried to get a bead on the pitch-black pool as we jumped.

  Chapter 6

  To Become a True Big Brother

  The morning of the next day. As dawn came, the capital was in an uproar. And why shouldn’t it be? The “righteous thief” had broken into the castle and, with a crew of just two people, stolen a magic item from the princess. And on a night when a bunch of powerful adventurers were staying there, to boot.

  The story of the smash-and-grab by a silver-haired boy and a masked man spread like wildfire.

  Which brought us to now. The capital as a whole wasn’t the only place full of commotion. So was the room I was in.

  “D-D-D-D-Darkness, calm dooowwnnn! I swear there’s a perfectly good explanation if you’ll just— Yowww! My head! My head’s gonna come clean off!”

  “Yeah, listen to us already! Just let us explain, and you’ll say, Oh, now I understand exactly why they did it! Please! I’m gonna die any minute here!”

  “Oh, I’ll listen! You’d better believe I want to hear what your excuse is this time. I’m just blowing off some steam first. Since you claim to have a good reason, I won’t squeeze with all my strength yet!”

  Chris and I, answering a summons from Darkness, were in a room at the inn, getting a taste of her Iron Talon.

  “Darkness! D-Darkness! I can’t talk… I can’t t-talk like this!”

  “Stoppit! Chris dragged me into it; she’s the one you want! She’s the chief, the mastermind!”

  Darkness had one hand on my temple and another on Chris’s, and she was squeezing. She looked startlingly serious.

  “Wh-wh-why, you impossible—! Eeeyow, ow, ow, ow! N-no, Darkness, listen! My lowly assistant was totally into it! It’s true I’m the one who came up with the idea, but when things turned ugly, I said we should get out of there—he was the one who decided to keep going!”

  “Wrong, Chief, wrong! I’ve only been in the Righteous Thief Brigade for one day; I’m definitely at the bottom of the ranks!”

  “Quit calling it that! It’s not a brigade; it’s just the two of us! And that means there are no ‘ranks’!”

  Still grasping our temples, Darkness had forced us to sit formally on the floor, where each of us proceeded to enthusiastically blame the other. Darkness was watching us, angrier than I’d ever seen her.

  “All right.”

  ““?!””

  Darkness’s icy voice cut through our argument.

  “Talk. Fast.”

  Between us, we explained how it had all happened.

  After she had heard us out, Darkness heaved a sigh.

  “…What am I going to do with you two? Why didn’t you tell me? If you had come to me to begin with, you wouldn’t have had to pull that ridiculous stunt. I would’ve listened to you.”

  “I appreciate it, but we’re talking about a Sacred Treasure that lets you switch bodies. It could even be used to gain eternal life. When I heard about it, I wanted to run to the authorities, but Chris warned me that the more powerful the person, the more they would want it. Even the royal family might misuse it.”

  “I—I said I thought we could trust you, Darkness! But when I tried to tell you, my lowly assistant was all, ‘Hey, stop! Darkness is a noble, too. If the other nobles find out you’re the thief, she could be in real trouble!’”

  “Hey! Wh-why, you—!”

  As our feud started up again, Darkness let out another sigh. “What’s done is done. Thankfully, I’m the only one who’s figured out who you really are so far. Chris, your silver hair draws too much attention. You need to get out of the capital immediately and head back to Axel. As for you, Kazuma… You’re coming to the castle with me right now.”

  “What?! …Argh! My head really hurts where you had a grip on it! Sorry, but I’m going to stay here and rest.”

  “Quit playing these stupid games and come with me! We have to go get Megumin and Aqua and say our good-byes to Princess Iris!”

  “Yeah, I get it, but the castle’s still on high alert. I don’t know about walking right in… I might screw up again. Or what if they suspect me, and they bring out one of those bells that rings when you lie? It’d be bad news!”

  Chris scratched her cheek and gave me a friendly smile as I crossed my arms and Darkness started dragging me away.

  “Well, s-see you then, Lowly Assistant. Fight the good fight! Oh, and the Sacred Treasure we took? I put it somewhere no one would ever find it, so you don’t have to worry about that. I—I guess I’ll show myself out, then…”

  “Hold on, Chris,” Darkness said.

  “?! Y-yes, what is it?”

  “Is that everything you’re hiding from me? You’re not holding back anything else?”

  “…Well, um…”

  “You are, aren’t you?! What is it? What aren’t you telling me?! We’ve known each other a long time—long enough that I can tell when you’re feeling cornered! You scratch that scar on your cheek—just like you’re doing now! Spit it out! What are you hiding this time?”

  Chris, reeling from this barrage of questions, looked to me for help for some reason. But I had no idea what it was she wasn’t telling Darkness, so I couldn’t do anything—

  Then she pointed at me.

  “My lowly assistant—he stole something besides the Sacred Treasure!”

  “Whaaaat?! You traitor!”

  “You stole something else?! So you really are just a common thief! What did you take?! Hand it over!”

  Resigned, I slowly handed over a book. Darkness skimmed through it.

  “You impossible…” She seemed to crumple a little.

  Chris muttered, “Oh yeah… I forgot you grabbed that, too.”

  “Huh?”

  “…Oh-ho? There’s more?” Darkness stood up again and stretched out her hand to me.

  What other treasure did I steal? What could she possibly…?

  “Wait, I get it! Geez, you meant this? The thing I got when I used Steal on Iris?”

  As I spoke, I gave Darkness the item I had stolen from the princess. It was a ring she’d been wearing. Given the way it had glowed when she’d pointed it at Chris and me, it was probably some kind of magical item.

  For a moment, Darkness held it in the palm of her hand, frowning intently at it. “…?! You—you… Y-y-you took this from Princess Iris?!”

  “Y-yeah… I mean, what’s with the reaction? It’s even scarier than if you were mad at me! I mean, it’s just a ring, right? Don’t scare me, okay?”

  Darkness stared distantly at the ring a moment longer, then carefully passed it back to me.

  “Listen to me, Kazuma. Do not lose this ring. Take it to your grave, where no one will ever find it.”

  “Quit it already! I-if it’s that big a deal, we can go give it back right now. Say we found it someplace.”

  “Out of the question! This is a ring given to children of the royal family on the day they’re born. It never leaves them—not when they’re sleeping, not when they’re bathing. The only time they remove it is when they get engaged and they give it to their betrothed. If word got out that a thief stole it and some adventurer picked it up…! …Even if you returned it with the best of intentions, they would probably kill you, just to make sure nobody else would ever know.”

 

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