Bathroom cleaning:

  This was normally Aqua’s job.

  “Do… Do you really think this toilet needs cleaning…?”

  “I guess…maybe not,” I said.

  I hardly ever saw Aqua actually cleaning, but the toilet sparkled brighter than anything in the house. Leave it to a water goddess, I guess…

  Oh well. On to the next thing.

  “Really?! Is this really a maid’s most important job?! You’re not just making that up because you know how sheltered and unworldly I am, are you? I know my father never made the help in our house do this, at least!”

  “Yeah? Well, where I come from, a maid who doesn’t do this can’t call herself a maid!”

  I was walking in and out of the front door, and every time I came in, Darkness had to smile and say, Welcome home, Master.

  “Come on! What a forced smile! How come you’re always so cold?! You’re practically scaring me! Welcome me back with a smile that lights up the room!”

  “W-welcome home, Master!!”

  “Wrong! Hands here! Feet here! You know your hotness is your only redeeming quality, so make use of it—lean forward more! Okay, from the top!”

  “Welcome home, Master! I do enjoy a certain level of harassment, but overdo it and I’ll show you my other redeeming quality—my powerful grip!”

  “Yaaaargh! My head! I swear my brains are coming out! I’m sorry!” I bellowed as Darkness dug her iron fingers into my temples.

  3

  “Sheesh. I might have been willing to play along if you’d punished me or harassed me in a way that was more, you know, exciting.”

  “Hey, when it looked like we were gonna cross that line, you backed off just like I did.” Having teased Darkness to my satisfaction, I went for a stroll with her through town. “You know, that maid outfit looked pretty good on you. You should wear frilly things more often.”

  Darkness had begged me not to make her go into town in her maid uniform, so I had allowed her to change back into her usual clothes.

  “…I know better than anyone that cute clothes don’t suit me. Please let me do the housework tomorrow in my regular outfit…”

  “Absolutely not.”

  Darkness hung her head dejectedly, but why did she also look kind of happy? As we talked, we finally arrived at the store I’d set out for.

  “Knock knock, anyone home?”

  “Oh, Mr. Kazuma, hello! We were just stocking the lighter you came up with.”

  We had come to Wiz’s shop. Today was the day she would start selling a variety of convenient items from Japan. Inside the store we found Megumin, looking at some of my inventions with interest, and Aqua, quietly nursing a piece of candy she’d been given. The most distinctive member of the shop’s staff seemed to be absent.

  When she saw me come in, Megumin called me over, holding my oil-based lighter.

  “Kazuma! Kazuma! Quick! Show me what this magic item does!”

  “I keep telling you, it’s not magic. It’s just a helpful little doodad from my home country. Anyway, here.” I took the lighter and lit it.

  “““Whoa!!”””

  Megumin, Darkness, and Wiz all gawked at the flame it produced.

  “Th-this is great! It’s exactly like Kindle! This will sell for sure, Mr. Kazuma!” Wiz was ecstatic.

  “It is well made for something so simple. I cannot believe it is not magic. And properly cared for, it seems it could be used for a very long time.” Megumin seemed enthralled as she took the lighter and examined it from several angles.

  “I want one of those,” Darkness said. “Flints are hard to use when it’s wet out, it takes time to start a fire, and you have to be careful of your kindling getting damp while you’re carrying it. This solves all those problems. Wiz, Kazuma, I’ll take one. How much?” She pulled out her wallet.

  Wiz smiled. “Oh, don’t worry about money. Mr. Kazuma thought of these things, and we manufactured them, and all of you helped develop them. Take whatever you like.”

  Darkness grinned and picked up a lighter. Watching her and Megumin, Aqua continued to munch on her candy. She gave a mocking little snort and laughed. “What a bunch of primitives! All excited about one little lighter. That thing is simple! I guess this is what you get, dealing with ignorant savages…”

  Even as she sneered at Wiz and the others, Aqua’s hand reached out toward one of the lighters…

  I smacked it away.

  “………What? Come on, Kazuma, let me pick something.”

  “No way. You want an item, pony up. How do you think commerce works?” I added, causing Aqua to lunge at me.

  “What?! What’s wrong with you?! Why are you always so mean to me?! Wiz said we could each have something! Darkness and Megumin got to pick, so why not me? Am I not one of our party members?”

  “I wouldn’t have made a big deal about it if you hadn’t made fun of them. How, exactly, did you contribute to any of this anyway? Wiz runs the shop, obviously. Megumin showed me how the Crimson Magic Clan makes its magical items. And Darkness introduced me to some wholesalers she knows. And all that time, you were just eating and drinking and sleeping at home. You want a piece of the action? Maybe go find us some customers or something.”

  Tears welled up in Aqua’s eyes. As she fled the store, she shouted:

  “Waaaah! Worthless Kazuma! I wasn’t even going to tell anyone how I saw you sniffing my dirty laundry the other day!”

  “W-wait a second, I never did that! Don’t make stuff up! Come back here! …I swear! I never— Megumin, Darkness, don’t look at me like— W-Wiz, you too?! It’s not truuue!”

  As I tried desperately to undo the misunderstanding Aqua had caused, the culprit poked her head back in the doorway of the shop.

  “…So if I get a bunch of people to come here, I can pick something?”

  “Fine! Just tell these three you were kidding!”

  4

  There was a massive crowd in front of the magic-item shop. Wiz said she had never seen so many people knocking on her door. The commotion might have been in part because Vanir, who had yet to arrive at the store, was in town passing out flyers. I could see several members of the crowd clutching the leaflets.

  “…Gosh. What a crowd.”

  “No kidding.”

  As Darkness mumbled to herself, I gave a halfhearted reply.

  “…It would be great if they were all here to buy something.”

  “Sure would.”

  To Megumin’s comment, I offered only a tepid response.

  I peered into the crowd. Next to me, Wiz was looking very distraught.

  “E-everyone’s distracted—even the people who were coming to my store!”

  “Gaaaah! What is wrong with her?!”

  In the middle of the crowd, we could see Aqua, showing off her party tricks and basking in the attention. The crowd included people carrying leaflets, which meant they had probably come to shop. But by now, they had completely forgotten why they were here.

  She’d brought in plenty of people—but no customers.

  Aqua herself seemed to have forgotten what she was supposed to be doing; she was putting on the best display she could muster.

  “For my next trick! Observe this completely ordinary handkerchief! Behold as it transforms into a dove!” She opened the cloth with a flourish.

  A classic bit of sleight of hand. You hid a dove in your clothes ahead of time, then you made it look like it was coming out of the handkerchief. But when Aqua waved her handkerchief…

  ““““Ooooh!””””

  …a flock of several hundred doves scattered through the crowd.

  “What the hell?! Where’d she get all those birds?! That shouldn’t even be physically possible!” I exclaimed, turning to Wiz. I was starting to doubt my own eyes.

  “I—I wonder. I didn’t sense any magic, so it probably wasn’t a summoning spell. But where could she have hidden so many animals? I’m really stumped…” She put a hand over her mouth in amazement. Even our magical expert was flummoxed.

  Aqua’s audience was practically flinging coins at her, but she said, “Oh, no money, please! I’m not a street performer—please hold your donations!” I guess she was principled when it came to her art. Even if it looked like she could make a living off it.

  Half out of annoyance and half out of interest, we waded into the crowd to watch Aqua’s performance. That was when we heard a voice.

  “Wh-what a sight this is…!”

  Vanir had come back, and he was staring at the crowd, dumbfounded.

  In the middle of it all, Aqua was standing with a bunch of potions she had presumably gotten from Wiz’s store.

  “Now! When I count to three, every single one of these potions is going to disappear! Where will they go? Nobody knows! Including me… Okay! One! Two…!”

  “Don’t you dare say three, you divine dimwit! What are you doing here?! I see you are not content with splashing holy water on our doorknob every chance you get, and you’ve taken to diverting our business right in front of our very store!”

  I’d always wondered what she’d been up to on all those “little walks.”

  “Hey, don’t interrupt, you masked moron! This is a public road—you can’t complain if I do my art here!”

  “I most certainly can! Today is the day we put out the new stock on which we’ve staked the very future of this shop! This should be a day of celebration, and I don’t have time to play with people who go out of their way to harm my business!”

  Vanir and Aqua forgot about the audience as they bickered, so Wiz raised her voice: “Hello, one and all! Today we offer you a wide variety of convenient items! Please come take a look!”

  Wow! It was the first time I’d seen Wiz act like a real shopkeeper.

  It took some doing, but…

  “Welcome, welcome, come right in! For a limited time only, all customers making a purchase of ten thousand eris or more will receive this free Vanir doll that cackles in the night! Spend fifty thousand eris to receive a Vanir mask just like mine! …Oops! My apologies, boy, but the one I’m wearing is not for sale. Take this specially colored one instead… Come on, now! Welcome, everyone!”

  Wiz’s eerie employee was proving both an excellent barker and surprisingly popular with children.

  “Thank you! Thank you very much! Two lighters and a Vanir mask—thank you!”

  My Japanese “inventions” were flying off the shelves. Geez. If I’d known business would be this good, I would’ve started selling them sooner.

  “Let me go, Darkness! They stole all my customers, and I’m super upset! Let me show off my art!”

  “Aqua, calm down—remember why we’re here! Come on, just—take it easy—!”

  Darkness physically restrained Aqua from hurting our business any more. Wiz and Vanir, meanwhile, were handling the customers capably.

  When the hubbub died down a bit, Vanir came over to us, beaming.

  “Fwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I cannot stop laughing! Look at this! Closing time is still hours away, and we’re practically sold out of today’s stock of merchandise! I thank you again, boy who thought he was getting somewhere with his friend while they were on vacation but is upset that he’s seen no further development since they got home!”

  “Wait, are you talking about me?! You are, aren’t you?! Wh-wh-whatever! I’m not upset! Megumin, stop shooting me those little glances!”

  “I—I am not glancing at anything! Do not let him get to you; demons only say these things to amuse themselves!”

  Curse him! He knew exactly what had been on my mind most since getting back from Crimson Magic Village.

  “Pair up, make a baby—personally, I couldn’t care less. It’s just so depressing to see you two taking furtive peeks at each other. It would be great if you could find a hotel or a dark alleyway or something and just do it already! But anyway, we have more important things to discuss.”

  Dammit. I’ve seriously got to get Aqua over here to take this guy out.

  “At this rate, I believe I’ll be able to have your three hundred million eris ready by the end of the month. It’s not a down payment as such, but let me give you this.” Vanir handed me a black mask, the pattern subtly different from that of the one he wore. “A mass-produced Vanir mask, quietly but undeniably popular among the public, one of the true trademark items of this shop. Wear it on the night of a full moon and a mysterious demonic power will raise your magic ability, increase your blood flow, and give your skin a healthy glow—perfect, is it not? And this is an exceptionally rare black variant. You can brag about it to all your little friends.”

  I…I don’t want this.

  It won’t curse me if I put it on or something, will it…?

  5

  Ever since that day, Wiz’s shop had gotten busier than it had ever been. And today…

  “All right, you two. You understand, don’t you?”

  Yes. It was our long-awaited dinner with the princess.

  I was in the living room—Darkness was nowhere to be seen—talking to Aqua and Megumin. Specifically, I was reminding them that we had to avoid embarrassing Darkness.

  “Of course I do,” Aqua said. “This is a very rare opportunity. I’m going to do the best party trick of my life—all to protect Darkness’s good name, naturally. By the way, Kazuma, I was going to do an act where I pull a tiger out of my hat, but there aren’t any tigers around here. I thought maybe I’d make do with a Beginner’s Bane. That sort of looks like a tiger. Will you help me catch one?”

  “I shall surprise and astonish Her Royal Highness with a spectacular entrance such as only the Crimson Magic Clan can perform. I will need something that produces copious amounts of smoke. And fireworks! I will need fireworks. Kazuma, do you know where I might buy such things?”

  …I guess Darkness was right to worry.

  At the Dustiness mansion.

  The biggest house in Axel was on tenterhooks. There normally weren’t too many servants there, but today there were lots, maybe to make the place look especially wealthy.

  As well it should; Iris, first princess of the nation, had been at the house since the day before.

  We were just inside the front door of the mansion. Darkness was there, clad in a simple white dress, her long golden hair tossed over her right shoulder and braided near her neckline. It was just a white dress, but somehow—maybe because she was so attractive to begin with—she made it seem irresistibly sexy. Leading an entourage of servants, she bowed deeply to us and gave an elaborate greeting.

  “Honored Kazuma Satou and all our honored guests. I offer you my profound gratitude for taking the time to come to our humble abode today. I, Lalatina Ford Dustiness, shall be your hostess. Please make yourselves at home—all that we have is yours, and we shall expend every effort to ensure your comfort.”

  No one would have taken her for anything less than a cultured noble’s daughter. We acknowledged her hospitality with perfect grace. Maybe I ought to offer a greeting in return…?

  “We are moist—erm, most honored to be invited here…” I had suddenly stumbled over my words. Darkness, who had been wearing a gentle smile until that moment, turned slightly red and looked at the floor. From the way her shoulders were trembling, I guess she was trying not to laugh. C-curse her…!

  Dammit. I’m not used to this formal talk. Forget it.

  “Hey, Darkness, how about you stop laughing and start hostessing? These clothes are uncomfortable, and it’s driving me nuts.”

  I was wearing a black suit I’d gotten from a rental place. I had tried on a tuxedo and bow tie, but Aqua and Megumin had laughed so hard I swore never to wear it again. The girls’ dresses ultimately hadn’t been ready in time, and they had been forced to borrow clothes from Darkness.

  “If you will please come this way, honored guests.”

  She ushered us into the house, her shoulders still shaking.

  “Kindly wait here a moment. Miss Lalatina is selecting outfits,” a servant said, leading us to a sitting room.

  After we were seated on a couch, the servant prepared tea and then left us on our own. Soon after, Darkness entered with a different servant and an armful of dresses. She bowed to us, then stood next to the adjoining powder room. She beckoned to Aqua and Megumin. They followed her into the next room, and then…

  “Hey, Darkness, the waist is really baggy. I’d like something a little tighter…”

  “Th-that’s the smallest size I have… Well, don’t look at me like that; Crusaders have to have some muscle…! Megumin, what happened to you?”

  “It just sort of…drapes. The chest and the hips are too big. Maybe something smaller…”

  …I heard the three of them talking.

  “I don’t have what I don’t have… That dress is from when I was a kid. Eeeyow, ow, ow! Megumin, don’t pull on my braid!”

  The servant joined the conversation, and she must have done some awfully quick tailoring work, because Darkness finally emerged from the powder room with the two girls, looking exhausted.

  “…Wow!” I spoke without even realizing it.

  Megumin blushed and looked down a little. Her outfit exposed both shoulders, showing plenty of pale skin, which contrasted with the black dress. Unlike her usual jailbait fashion, in this thing she looked downright womanly.

  Aqua followed her, wrapped in a white dress.

  “Kazuma, look, look! What do you think? The clothes really make the woman, huh?”

  I wasn’t sure if that was always the case, but the clothes really did suit her in that moment. She had traded her usual blue feather mantle for a snow-white dress. She was so beautiful that I really could have seen someone worshipping her as a goddess—at least, if she could keep her mouth shut.

  “Hey, Kazuma,” she said, “you’ve got a whole parade of beautiful women right here in front of you—how about a kind word? A little praise? A touch of worship? I promise the gods won’t get mad…”

  She really, really needed to keep her mouth shut.

  “Yeah, sure, you’re all beautiful. Now let’s go see the princess. She’s been here since yesterday, right?”

 

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