“E-Elder Brother! I want… I have a request!” Iris was seated formally on the floor, her legs folded neatly beneath her and her face serious. Seeing myself in that position, I couldn’t help thinking I was being bullied. I wished she would sit less formally.

  “You have a— Ahaaa, I get it. You’re getting to be that age, aren’t you? Wondering about a guy’s body? Sorry, but keep your hands off!”

  “I—I was thinking no such thing! What about you, Elder Brother? Can I trust you to leave my body alone?! What I want is… Just once, I’d like to try leaving the castle without any guards or servants.”

  She looked at me doubtfully, almost fearfully, like a child afraid of being scolded. Retainers had surrounded her from the moment she was born. She’d grown up in the capital, but I’d be willing to bet she’d never really seen the place. Even when she did get to go out, it was probably tough to enjoy looking around stores and such when you were trailed by a bunch of bodyguards.

  Now, with my body, she could easily leave. But Iris totally lacked anything in the way of street smarts. Could I really let her go out alone?

  As I tried to come up with an answer, Megumin, who at that point hadn’t said anything, let out a sigh. “Very well. I can see there’s no choice. You can’t go with her, Kazuma, in that body. I will accompany her. Don’t worry, I won’t harangue you like your retainers. I will just watch out for you in case you get into any fights.”

  “Cut it out! What the hell good are you gonna do?!”

  But Iris, smiling broadly, stood up. “Okay then, let’s go, Elder Sister!”

  “…Erm, I know I told you to call me that earlier, but I think you’d better stick to ‘Megumin’…”

  Are these two really going to be okay?

  “A pleasure, Miss Megumin!”

  “You can count on me. I shall teach you many things, from how to haggle when shopping to how to accept a fight when someone throws down the gauntlet.”

  Argh, they’ll be fine, won’t they?!

  6

  Once Iris and Megumin were on their way, I wandered around the castle with Claire in tow. Since “I” had left, it would be strange for the princess to remain in my room. I just figured I would kill time until Iris had had her fill of the outside world and came back.

  But as I walked around with my head held high, I noticed that everyone was bowing to me. I nodded magnanimously at each of them.

  Uh-oh. This is kind of nice. I could get used to this.

  “Your Highness, did anything happen in that man’s room? Ever since you came out of there, you’ve seemed… Well, let’s just say I’m starting to wonder if he was telling you inappropriate stories again.” Claire piped up from behind me with insults at the ready.

  “Claire, you mustn’t say such things about Master Kazuma. He is a most wonderful person. I don’t think it would be wrong for his name to go down in our nation’s history textbooks.”

  “Now I really do wonder what he said to you, Your Highness! I think it’s about time we got rid of him…”

  I wish she wouldn’t say things like that when she’s right behind me.

  As we wandered the castle, we saw adventurers here and there. They must have been passing the time until the victory party that night. A careful look revealed a group who had done an especially good job during the battle. Judging by how many of them had black hair and black eyes, they were probably Japanese like me. It was definitely tempting to talk to them—they were from my own country—but it wouldn’t have been very easy to do in this body.

  “Well, if it isn’t Princess Iris and Miss Claire.”

  I recognized that voice. Claire smiled when she saw its owner.

  “Ah, Master Mitsurugi. I hear you acquitted yourself brilliantly, as usual! I must apologize that you always seem to end up right in the heart of danger.”

  The adventurer who had called out to us was none other than Mitsurugi. He was giving us his most handsome smile.

  “Not at all. I would hardly even call that danger. And anyway, it’s my duty to protect the princess and the people of this country.” Then he gave me a friendly pat on the head.

  “Claire, this man is touching my head far too casually. Execute him immediately.”

  “What?!”

  “Your Highness, you truly have been acting strange. What in the world is going on?!”

  I guess Mitsurugi must have been so used to patting girls’ heads and smiling at them that he just did it unconsciously now. I shooed him away and resumed my exploration of the castle.

  There was a reason for all my snooping around.

  “Say, Claire, where’s Lalatina? I want to tease—I mean, I want to congratulate her on her fine work in today’s battle.”

  “Lady Dustiness was hit by some fire magic during the battle and covered in ashes, so right now she’s in the bath.”

  “Claire! Take me to her immediately! I shall join her and wash her back!”

  “Your Highness?! What in the world has happened to you? Even with Lady Dustiness’s station, for a royal to wash a retainer’s back…”

  “Perhaps I shall wash yours, too, Claire, to thank you for your tireless service. Are you opposed?”

  “No objections from me, Your Highness! Let’s go—let’s go right now!”

  Claire, who had always shown a slightly strange level of loyalty toward Iris, went off in excitement, the expression on her face a bit dangerous.

  When we got to the changing room of the castle baths, we ran into Darkness, apparently just out of the tub. Sadly, she was already done changing.

  “Oh, Your Highness,” she said. “Planning to wash up before the party?” She smiled at me, drying her hair with a towel.

  “No, Lalatina—I wanted to wash your back, since you did such a great job in the battle today… But it looks like I’m too late. What a shame…”

  I looked disappointedly at the ground as I spoke. That sent Darkness into a bit of a panic. “N-not at all! Far be it from me to let your kind offer be in vain! We still have time—I can take another bath!” Then she hurriedly began stripping off her clothes.

  “Dark—! I mean, L-Lalatina! Slow down—don’t just rip off your clothes like that without any hint of embarrassment! I wasn’t ready!”

  “Y-Your Highness, what’s going on? Your face is awfully red…” Darkness, half-undressed, was looking at me with concern.

  She was right next to me, and I could see her underwear… Hang on—I don’t think she’s wearing a bra!

  Oh, she’d be wearing a dress for the party, and her bra line would show!

  As I stood there staring dumbly at Darkness, Claire came up wearing nothing but a towel and a worried expression. “Your Highness, do you have a fever? Come to think of it, you haven’t been looking yourself…”

  Then she put her long, delicate hands on my cheeks…!

  Now, at last, I understood.

  I got why the Japanese guy who had come here before me had asked for this Sacred Treasure.

  True, when we went back to normal, Iris might figure out by the scent of soap that I had been in the bath. But at this point, I was definitely not thinking that far ahead. One of my illustrious Japanese forebears had left us these words: Worry about tomorrow…tomorrow.

  O Eris, goddess of good fortune. I have never been so thankful for my amazing Luck.

  I offered up this prayer as I stood with a gorgeous, half-naked woman on either side of me. Then I reached to start taking off my own clothes…

  …and felt my consciousness growing dim.

  “—’s just perfect! If you think you can say stuff like that to my older brother, I guess you know what you’re getting yourself into!”

  “Th-this bastard! Did you hear what he said about our brother?! Look! You made him cry!”

  “H-hey, shut up, idiot, I ain’t cryin’! I just got a little surprised ’cause no one’s ever talked to me like that before!”

  I was staring down three very angry-looking men.

  …Lady Eris, this kind of bait and switch is really too much.

  7

  “Well said, that’s the way! Now put the final nail in the coffin! Say, I’m done talking. And I don’t have time to waste—I’m gonna turn you guys into experience points! If you can say that, you pass! Then all that’s left is to reduce these guys to quivering heaps!”

  Megumin was shouting enthusiastically from my back.

  Hang on a second. What’s going on here?

  I mean, I’d obviously gone back to normal, but I was also about to get in a fight—what were Megumin and Iris up to?!

  “Make fun’a me, will you? I’ll show you!”

  The guy right in front of me—the one the others had called their older brother—launched himself at me with a flying punch and tears in his eyes, even though I had no idea what I’d said to him.

  “Gah! H-hey, jerk! No fair! Can’t you see I’m carrying someone right now?! If we’re gonna go at it, at least let me set her down first!”

  “No fair?! You were the one who said, ‘I don’t even need to get serious against wimps like you. I’ll take on all three of you at once, and I’ll leave this girl here as a handicap’!”

  “When are you gonna get tired of being mean to our bro?! What’d he ever do to you?!”

  “I don’t even care anymore; let’s get this guy! Treat us like common street thugs, will he? We’ll show him!”

  Apparently, I’d managed to only tick them off even more.

  “Kazuma, I see you’re back to normal! Give me some MP with Drain Touch so I can take part in this battle, too!”

  “You deliberately got us into this, didn’t you?! You do something about it!”

  Teary-eyed and rubbing the cheek where the guy’s punch had landed, I poured my MP into Megumin…

  “…They really were just small fry. I can’t blame them, in the face of my overwhelming power.”

  “You might be a wizard, but you’re also a high-level adventurer. You shouldn’t go after ordinary people like that!”

  We had triumphed in the one-on-three battle, but we had also attracted a lot of unwanted attention, so we hurried back to the castle.

  “I really wanted to give the princess a chance to shine, but you came back at just the right moment. I’m a little sorry she couldn’t be here.”

  “Look, what did you plan to do if anything had happened to Iris? Getting that delicate princess in a fight? What were you thinking?”

  Megumin looked puzzled. “I think the question, Kazuma, is what are you thinking? Members of the royal family are quite powerful. In addition to their natural talents, they learn how to fight from a young age in order to protect themselves. To be blunt, that princess is stronger than you. Even in your body, she likely wouldn’t have had any trouble winning.”

  What, seriously?

  “Okay, but how did you even get into that fight? Those guys looked like bad news; what did you do to them?”

  “The princess and I went to a number of different shops before we ran into that lot on a deserted street.”

  I see. And it went from there…

  “Normally, when such men see a girl like me, they call out something like, Nice friend you got there. Just leave her with us—we’ll take good care of her! Right? But these guys glanced at me once, and that was it. They didn’t even catcall me! So I accused them of being spineless wusses.”

  “You sound like some petty gangster picking a fight with innocent bystanders!”

  N-now what? Maybe I should go back and apologize…

  “I admit I taunted them, but they were the ones who made the first move. It’s all right; if it comes to a trial, we can win. It’s their fault for getting physical just because I mocked them a little.”

  “This from the girl who can’t hold her temper over so much as a lame joke! Ugh, if we see them again, I’ll have to apologize…”

  As I fretted, we arrived back at the castle.

  “Well, we may have gotten ourselves into some trouble, but the princess enjoyed herself very much. She got to try street food for the first time, and that made her quite happy.”

  “Hrm… Well, that’s good, at least. Or is it? I’ll bet everyone will think I’m being a bad influence on her again…”

  “You have such a soft spot for that girl, Kazuma. Although I’m a little anxious when I notice how close her characteristics are to mine—for example, the fact that we are both younger than you.”

  “Y-you think you have anything in common with that demure, refined beauty?”

  As we argued, we passed through the castle gate.

  And found Darkness and Claire with their arms crossed, standing in our path.

  8

  I was huddled in an out-of-the-way corner of the party hall. Aqua came up to me, clutching an expensive-looking bottle of wine.

  “Oh, Kazuma. How could you be so stupid? I know you usually treat me like the idiot, but today it’s my turn. You’re the biggest idiot in the history of idiocy!”

  There was nothing I could say to the moron with the wine bottle.

  Except: “It’s not what you think. It’s not like I meant for any of that to happen. It’s just… Walking around the castle with everyone bowing to me—I started to feel like people would forgive and forget no matter what I did!”

  “Once again: idiot. If you did an Internet search for the word idiot, your name would be the first hit!”

  I wanted to grab the wine bottle she was holding and send her into a crying fit, but I could hardly speak.

  The moment I had gone back to my real body, Iris, of course, had found herself in the changing room. Darkness and Claire noticed the shift in Iris’s personality immediately, and when they asked her what was going on…

  “I can’t believe they got so mad at Iris, even. Gaaah! I’m supposed to be her big brother! I don’t deserve to live…”

  “…Sigh. Just lie low here. I’ll bring you something tasty.” Aqua’s sudden display of kindness helped heal my delicate heart. When push came to shove, I guess she was a goddess. You could count on her when you were really feeling down…

  When Megumin found out what I had been up to just before returning to my real body, she joined Darkness in ignoring my excuses.

  “There’s something to be said for the person who’s known you the longest. I wish the others would learn from your generosity. Hey, I’ve been wondering, what’s that wine you’re holding? Come to think of it, when we went out yesterday, I remember you were looking for something good to drink. Found a souvenir?”

  “Oh, this? The people from the castle said they wanted to give us a special reward for our excellent work in the battle, but when they asked what we wanted, everyone else seemed busy, so on behalf of the party, I asked for this wine.”

  What?! She just decided on our reward without asking us?

  Anyway, let Aqua hold a bottle of wine long enough, and she was likely to drop it. I reached to take it from her so I could hold on to it until we got home.

  “Well, what’s done is done. Once we get back to Axel, we can all—”

  —drink it together, I was going to say, but Aqua swatted my hand away.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” I said. “You’re just going to fall on it or forget it somewhere, and that’ll mean wasting this classy wine. If you’d bought it yourself, I wouldn’t care, but this is supposed to be a reward for all of us. Come on, I’ll hold it for you. Give it here.”

  “No way. They gave it to me, and I’m not handing it over to anyone. The person who delivered it even said, ‘Oh, you all did such fine work, but you were the most amazing out of everyone, Lady Aqua!’ She was thrilled nobody died in this battle, and that was because of me! I’m entitled to this as a reward.”

  “I don’t think so! We’re all responsible for the positive outcome. Anyway, that stuff looks expensive. Let me have a— Hey, come back here!”

  Aqua fled so no one else could get their hands on her precious wine. And so I was by myself again…

  The banquet hall was filled with little clusters of people, mostly surrounding some successful adventurer or other. The nobles, keeping their distance from the rest of the crowd, were nonetheless excited to discuss the battle.

  “Heavens, what an easy victory this was! It made all the difference that Lady Dustiness’s party led the charge so astutely!”

  “Quite right. Lady Dustiness soaked up the foe’s attacks, while Lady Aqua purified masses of undead and healed everyone’s wounds in the blink of an eye. And then there was Lady Megumin, who struck the final blow to the retreating enemy! It almost seems those three alone could bring down the Demon King!”

  “Indeed it does! It does seem that such a trio could go toe-to-toe with the Demon King! You know, I’ve heard that those three have dispatched several generals of the Demon King already. I can’t say I’m surprised…”

  “And let’s not forget Master Mitsurugi, wielder of the enchanted blade and pride of the kingdom! If he were to join those other three, surely their party could topple the Demon King. And I think his party already has an archer girl and a spear girl in it. How perfectly balanced their group would be.”

  ““““That’s perfect!”””” the other nobles agreed.

  Ahem—I think you’re forgetting someone in all this talk of the perfect party.

  I mean, I understood. I’d been killed by kobolds, after all, and was totally unable to contribute at all this time. The looks I was getting…

  “So that’s the guy who…”

  “Yeah, that’s him. The one Claire mentioned. All talk…”

  “You know, I heard he’s an Adventurer—the weakest class—and his level isn’t even that high.”

  “I can’t imagine why Lady Dustiness keeps him around.”

  “I hear he’s pretty good at getting people to like him. He’s even in Princess Iris’s good favor and is planning to move into the castle…”

  The constant whispering was starting to get to me—but there was some truth in it, so I couldn’t even complain!

 

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