Darkness looked profoundly uneasy as I made my primary interest clear. “You swear you won’t do anything impolite?” she asked. “You have a tendency to be a little too blunt sometimes. They might overlook a slip or two because adventurers aren’t known for their civility—but you understand one wrong word could cost you your head, right?”

  Her admonition only made me all the more eager.

  A princess. A real live princess. Beautiful, refined royalty who would love flowers and butterflies and little birds.

  Then again, apparently she liked adventure stories, so maybe she was more tomboyish than you’d think.

  My party and I had failed at everything we’d ever tried, but now we were at a banquet with a member of the royal family coming to see us. I couldn’t be blamed for letting it go to my head just a little, could I?

  “Okay, you guys, just so you know—I like our house, I really do. We’ve lived there a long time, and I’m attached to it. But if Her Highness asks me to join her royal guard or something, I’m gonna have to think about it. Just so you’re aware.”

  “Talk about getting ahead of yourself,” Darkness said. “We’re just having dinner.” And then she led us to the main hall.

  It was a huge room used to throw feasts. Darkness turned to us again. “All right, are you ready? We’re meeting the princess of a whole country, here. Kazuma, in spite of your mouth, I’m convinced you have some good sense, so I’m not too worried about you. But you did force me to do chores for you in a maid outfit. If you pull anything here, don’t expect to get off scot-free. Aqua, I want you to forget about any flashy party tricks. And definitely nothing dangerous. As for you, Megumin… I’m having you searched right now!”

  “What?! W-w-w-wait a moment, Darkness—why only me?! And what could you possibly search for? We were just changing together in the same room…! Ahh, hold on! Kazuma is watching! He’s staring straight at me!”

  As I observed the argument developing in front of me, I asked Aqua, “Just what kind of trick do you plan to do?”

  “You make it sound so sordid. This is my big chance to meet the royal family. I’d hate for the princess to be the only one to see my abilities. I thought I’d do a portrait on the spot… A sand picture! Then she can take it home as a memento!”

  “Huh. You really do have a lot of talents…”

  Meanwhile, right in front of us…

  “There, just like I thought! What’s this, Megumin? A monster-repellent smoke bomb and a potion that explodes when you open it! What did you think you were going to do with these? I knew your chest looked too big…”

  “I’m impressed, Darkness, but I have a plan B and a plan C for putting on my performance!”

  And so the argument went on. The maid who had been with us ever since getting the dresses ready gave a sigh.

  “Whatever she does, I hope I won’t get hurt…”

  Tell me about it.

  6

  “Okay, here we go. I’ll do most of the talking to Princess Iris, so you guys just stuff your faces and nod along or whatever.”

  After advising us, Darkness took the lead and opened the door. We found ourselves in a banquet hall. It wasn’t showy, but it oozed sophistication. Candles burned inside, giving off quite a bit of light. A number of servants surrounded the table at a distance, waiting silently.

  A red carpet had been rolled out, and a rich feast was covering a huge table. At the far end sat a girl in a white dress just like the ones Darkness and Aqua wore. Two other women stood flanking her. One of them was a plain-looking woman in a black dress who carried no weapons. She did, however, have several glittering rings on her fingers, in total defiance of fashion. I guess she was a wizard.

  The other attendant was an attractive woman with short hair who wore not a dress but a white suit and carried a sword at her hip.

  Presumably, the attendants were women because you might not trust male bodyguards around a girl of that age.

  Darkness guided us slowly up to the other three.

  “Forgive us for making you wait, Your Highness. These are my friends, adventurers all, Kazuma Satou and his party. Now, you three, the regal individual before you is none other than the first princess of our nation, Princess Iris. Please make your formal introductions.” She extended a hand and gestured from us to the girl in the middle.

  The girl was everything a princess should be and more. She had golden hair, not too long, and clear blue eyes. She was a proper beauty with an air of class, as well as a certain delicacy.

  For once, my expectations of this fantasy world hadn’t been betrayed. The elf with stick-on ears and his friend, the dwarf with no beard, had been a disappointment; the cat-eared orcs were a nightmare. I had half expected there to be something off about this princess, too.

  I was so taken aback, my brain had practically stopped working. Beside me, Aqua gently took the hem of her dress and made a perfect curtsy. Darkness and I both stared in disbelief.

  “My name is Aqua, Your Highness, a humble Arch-priest. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Now then, in lieu of a lengthy introduction, I have a trick to show you…”

  She tried to go into some sort of routine, but Darkness grabbed her hand.

  “I-I’m very sorry, Your Highness, but I must speak with my friend. If you’ll excuse us…”

  Aqua tugged on Darkness’s braid in a show of resistance. While Darkness was distracted, Megumin reached into her skirt and quickly produced a black cape. She must have had it wrapped around her thigh in order to evade Darkness’s search.

  She opened the cape with a flap and put it over her shoulders, then flung it back again to begin her dramatic self-introduction. But at that moment, Darkness grabbed her hand, too.

  Now our Crusader was grabbing Aqua with one hand and Megumin with the other, while Aqua pulled mercilessly on her braid; Darkness was trying hard to force a smile onto a face that looked ready to dissolve into tears. Aqua showed no sign of letting go of Darkness’s hair; she seemed to have taken a liking to the texture.

  As I watched, the princess in front of me whispered to the woman in the white suit. Maybe she was too embarrassed to speak aloud.

  “Peon, it is not for you to look so openly upon a member of the royal family. You are so far beneath the royal family in stature that you would normally not even be allowed to see its members in person, let alone eat with one of them. Bow your head and do not make eye contact. And more importantly, introduce yourself and start telling stories… So sayeth Her Highness.”

  I froze in place. A moment later, I understood. Take the samurai era in Japan: Due to differences in social standing, a lord and his retainers wouldn’t have eaten in the same room, or at least not at the same time. The way White Suit related things to me like an interpreter was probably because the princess was avoiding even talking directly to those below her.

  I had gained some understanding of the nobility by interacting with Darkness and her dad, but this was my first taste of what it meant to meet a royal.

  Okay, now I get it.

  I said just one word:

  “Pass…”

  “Your Highness, please, wait just a moment! Nerves have made my friends a little excitable! I’ll have a word with them and be right back…”

  Darkness grabbed my arm and dragged me to the corner.

  “What in the world am I going to do with you?! What do you mean, ‘pass’?! Why do you think I went out of my way to help you even though it was totally embarrassing to me? Things are completely different here!”

  Darkness made to strangle me. I fought back by pulling on her braid.

  “I’m the one who should be upset! You said we’d be meeting a princess. I was expecting her to be a little more, you know… ‘I’m absolutely enchanted by the outside world! Oh brave adventurer, please regale me with stories of your exploits!’ How are we supposed to have dinner with that? Are you just doing this so you can laugh at us?”

  “H-hey, stoppit…! Wh-what is it with everybody and pulling my hair today?! S-stop already, save it for when we’re alone!” Darkness blushed furiously as she babbled.

  I pointed toward Her Highness. “Anyway, should we really be leaving that mess unsupervised? She’s already trying to do something…”

  Over in the direction I’d pointed, Aqua was putting glue on a piece of paper before tossing sand on it. In a moment’s time, she had completed a sand portrait of astonishing accuracy. From a distance, it would have been possible to mistake it for a black-and-white photograph.

  “Please accept this as a gesture of my affection for the princess,” Aqua said. “I’ve re-created her likeness, right down to the sauce dribbling from the corner of her mouth.”

  This untoward statement caused the princess to dab hurriedly at her lips.

  “Your Highness! I’ll box this boor about the ears—just give me one minute!” Darkness held up the hem of her dress with both hands and rushed at Aqua.

  Darkness’s threat caused the princess to whisper to White Suit.

  “Her Highness forgives the offense,” the woman said, “on the grounds that it has allowed her to see a most unusual sight: the calm and taciturn Lalatina in agitation. Adventurers can be expected to be somewhat lacking in civility. More importantly, she requests that you begin telling stories.”

  As the interpreter spoke, Darkness tried desperately to get the picture from Aqua, who had stuffed it down her dress in an attempt to keep it safe. The princess smiled a little, as if she was amused.

  Darkness bowed deeply to her. “My sincere apologies, Your Highness! All I can say is that these three are especially problematic, even among adventurers…!”

  Even as she spoke, Aqua whispered, “Here you go!” and passed the picture to the princess.

  The girl looked at it and, with an expression of amazement, whispered to White Suit.

  “Her Highness says, ‘To make such a fine sand picture in such a brief time…! It’s wonderful, most excellent!’ She offers you a reward.”

  As she spoke, White Suit took something out of her pocket and gave it to Aqua. It was a small gemstone. I didn’t know much about jewels, but even I could tell it must be fairly valuable. Aqua held the pretty stone between her thumb and forefinger, happily watching the light filter through it.

  Looking at the ground and red with embarrassment, Darkness seated herself to the right of the princess. Next to Darkness came Megumin, and then Aqua. Her Highness gestured for me to sit on her left.

  Shooting little glances at me where I sat politely beside her, the princess whispered to White Suit.

  “Her Highness says, ‘Are you the one Mitsurugi, gallant bearer of the magic sword, spoke of? Tell us your story.’ Personally, I wish to hear it as well. I’m most curious about the man Mitsurugi acknowledges as his superior.”

  I guess Mitsurugi was pretty well-known among the upper crust of this country. I did wonder, though, exactly what he’d said about me. With White Suit and the princess watching me expectantly, I took a little trip down memory lane…

  7

  “I saw my chance to set a trap. I deliberately broke the seal, and then left Sylvia stuck inside! And that was how I bought the Crimson Magic Clan enough time to regroup!”

  “‘Wonderful! So many adventurers have told me their stories, but I’ve never met people who fight like you do, and I’ve never heard stories that make my heart race so! Everyone else tells me about how they easily wiped out a whole pack of monsters or bested a dragon in the wilderness with nothing but a sword… They’re certainly amazing stories, but they’re all about some heroic adventurer who single-handedly defeated a monster…’ So Her Highness says.”

  The princess was listening to my stories of our adventures, her eyes shining like a little girl’s. Someone really important was hanging on my every word—could you blame me if I got a little full of myself?

  “…Just listen to him,” I heard Aqua muttering from across the table.

  I ignored her and went on. “That, Princess, is because other adventurers only pick on monsters their own size. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I for one am always looking to challenge stronger opponents, improving myself every day!”

  “‘That’s wonderful! Would you describe the daily life you lead in your constant pursuit of self-improvement?’ …So asks Her Highness. I’m rather curious myself…”

  The princess and White Suit seemed genuinely impressed.

  “Well, let’s see… I’m careful never to leave the house during the day, so as to store up my energy; I only go out come nighttime. I make a quiet patrol of the town, trying to do my part to preserve public safety.”

  I had barely touched the lavish feast that lay before me. I only took a sip of my drink every now and then as I spoke.

  On the far side of the table, Megumin had started to whisper, too. “Aqua, that man just lolls around all day long, then goes out and wanders the streets at night. And he dares to pass off that dissolute lifestyle as keeping the peace?”

  “Shh, I want to see where this goes. You know this guy; he’ll get carried away for sure. Give him enough rope and he’ll hang himself, just you watch…”

  Not likely. I wasn’t that stupid.

  I chose my words carefully, keeping a close eye on the princess’s reaction. When I glanced at Darkness, I found she was looking at the ground as if she was embarrassed. Megumin, in the seat next to hers, was fiddling with Darkness’s braid. It looked like she’d taken a liking to the feel of it, too. Darkness, having realized that the girls seemed to behave themselves as long as they were playing with her hair, was letting Megumin do as she pleased.

  The princess gave a contented sigh and whispered to White Suit.

  “‘You’re a most unusual adventurer, aren’t you? You’re different, somehow, from the others I’ve met. What did you do before you entered adventuring?’ …Her Highness wants to know.”

  Employment history, huh? I thought fondly back on my life in Japan.

  “Before I came to this country, I worked to ensure my family would always have a place to come home to. Day after day, I silently polished my skills, protecting that most precious of places from encroaching catastrophe. But it was sad work, for no one understood or valued what I did…”

  That prompted White Suit to say, “Hmm. Something like a soldier protecting the castle in the capital, then? They, too, often go overlooked. Although perhaps that’s a sign of just how safe the capital is… So you also kept your homeland safe from disaster, an unsung hero.”

  I gave a deep nod. “My tasks were many. I asked little more than a contract of three months or so, and I repelled those who sought to steal my employer’s goods.”

  You guessed it. I was a paperboy and a part-time collector of electric bills.

  White Suit looked at me in amazement, and this time she was the one who turned to whisper to the princess. I caught snatches of their conversation: “To seek a contract… Surely fought off demons… Employer’s goods… Done battle with thieves…”

  Aqua was focused on me as if she wanted to say something. I quickly looked away, but I could feel her eyes on me.

  Stop! It’s all true, more or less. Don’t look at me like that…

  8

  It happened around the time we were all well fed and the talk was flowing smoothly. I had gone right on chatting away when White Suit suddenly said, “I can’t believe you really beat the hero Mitsurugi, with his magic sword… Pardon me for being terribly rude, but could I see your Adventurer’s Card, Mr. Kazuma? I think I might learn something from how you’ve distributed your skill points…”

  Gosh. What a thing to ask. No way could I show her my weird-ass Adventurer’s Card. If she wanted to know where I’d learned Lich skills, I’d be in real trouble. Megumin, sensing that I was starting to panic, said, “Ahem, we adventurers do have our trade secrets. I know you’re one of Her Highness’s attendants, but even so… Oh! It’s been such a lovely meal—Aqua, maybe you’d like to show off your most legendary trick…”

  She took the bullet for me, doing everything she could to change the subject. And here came Aqua to help…!

  “…? I drew a great sand picture today, and now I’m all done. Gee, Megumin, were you that eager to see my tricks? Well, all right, if I feel like it, I’ll show you something absolutely incredible tomorrow. Hey, bring me more of this wine—more wine!”

  Aqua was in fine oblivious form, as always, as she demanded a refill from one of the servants. White Suit gave me a dubious look.

  “We’re part of the nobility, not fellow adventurers. We won’t share Mr. Kazuma’s information with anyone else. But a study of his skills may help us strengthen the Royal Army. All people long to defeat the Demon King. Won’t you help us come one step closer to realizing this goal? Or is there some reason you can’t show us your card?”

  Yes. Yes, there is.

  Then Darkness spoke up, looking at White Suit with a gentle smile. “This man is an Adventurer, said to be the weakest class. No doubt he was embarrassed for you to find out. Perhaps you could allow me to examine his card in your stead?”

  “Y-yeah, that’s right. Somehow I never quite got around to mentioning it, but I’m of the weakest class. Gee, what a… What a shame you found out,” I said, scratching my head in embarrassment.

  At this, White Suit’s attitude changed to one of exasperation. “Really, an Adventurer? I’m starting to wonder if you did everything you’ve been claiming. You say you defeated Mitsurugi in a fight, but is it true? If it is, why don’t you explain to us how exactly you beat him?”

  Her tone was polite, but it was obvious she had her suspicions about me. I figured it would look bad if I admitted I’d defeated Mitsurugi by ambushing him with Steal.

  But then, the princess tugged on White Suit’s sleeve. She whispered in the woman’s ear, looking at me. White Suit seemed a bit confused, but after a moment, she came out with it.

 

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