BITTER, page 8
“You never asked either. Or paid attention. I wrote my first blog a few weeks ago. Remember I told you I was working on something special?”
Flip gave me a look that said he didn’t remember. I rolled my eyes. “See what I mean?”
Flip stood up and walked over to me. “Come here.” He pulled me into his chest and held me tightly. “Nursing is what you want to do, so stick with that. And if you want to do your lil’ writing thing, just do it on the side.”
Lil writing thing? I wanted to defend myself, but I knew Flip wouldn’t understand. I wrapped my arms around him and held him until he let me go. “I love you,” he told me.
“I love you too,” I replied dryly. “I have homework to do; you want me to cook or you’re okay?”
“Nah, I’ll pick up something while I’m out.”
“Where you going?”
“To handle some business,” he answered.
I waited on him to elaborate, but he didn’t so I rolled my eyes and walked away. “You clock my every move but when I ask you something, you want to be secretive.”
“I’m going to pick up some work, count some money, and bring it back. I shouldn’t be long.” Flip grabbed my car keys and tossed them in the air. “ZaZa should be here in a little.”
I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought about my daughter since I’d gotten home. I guess I just assumed she was sleep. I started walking towards my bedroom. “Where is she?”
“Gone somewhere with my mama.”
I walked in the bedroom and saw that the basket of laundry that I did the day before was still untouched. The bed hadn’t been made and there were clothes all over the floor. “How long has she been gone?”
“Since you left. You know my mama love running the streets, eating and shopping like she a rich housewife,” he laughed. “Want to give me some pussy real quick?”
Flip rubbed against me and started kissing my neck, but I couldn’t stop looking at the mess in our room. “So she’s been gone all day and you haven’t cleaned up or anything?”
Flip smacked his lips and pushed off me. “You know how to kill a nigga vibe, I swear.”
“Flip, I asked you to fold the clothes for me before I left this morning. You know I hate to be around clutter.”
“I’ll do it when I get back, I’m about to burn,” he replied with an attitude. “My brakes been tripping so I’m taking your car, alright?”
“How long are you going to be gone?”
Flip snapped his head towards me. “Why? You got something to do?”
I could tell he was ready to be on some bullshit and I didn’t have the energy to entertain him, so I left it alone. “Never mind, Flip. Go do whatever the hell it is you trying to do. Just leave some money, okay?”
“What you need money for? I gave you forty dollars the other day.”
“That was on Monday. It’s Thursday. I had to get gas and pick up some stuff for me and ZaZa.”
Flip stared at me blankly and it agitated my soul. I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him, but he had been really tripping. I matched his expression and we stayed that way until my eyes started to burn.
“I need to order some pizza or something, so are you going to leave the money or not?”
Flip smacked his lips and went into his pocket. “I’ll be back later, man.” He didn’t even hand me the money; he tossed it on the dresser then walked out of the room. “It better be gas in this motherfucker too.”
When I heard the front door close, I yelled. “Fuck you Flip!” I flopped on the bed and looked around the room. I didn’t understand why he had been home all day and hadn’t cleaned anything up. If the shoe was on the other foot and I left the room looking a mess, all hell would break loose.
After briefly feeling sorry for myself, I put on my granny panties and started to clean the room. Ms. Martha knocked on the door with ZaZa when I was halfway done with folding the clothes.
CHAPTER 15 – SACRIFICES
“Special delivery,” Ms. Martha sang, as she walked into the bedroom holding ZaZa, who looked like she was wide awake.
“Hey pookie butt!” I beamed with joy as I took ZaZa into my arms. “Mommy missed you.”
“I miss-shoe” she replied, planting a slobbery kiss on my cheek. “Luh-loo.”
“Aww, I love you too, my sweet baby.”
It was little times like those that reminded me that the late nights and early mornings were all worth it. The love my daughter and I shared was truly unconditional and I thanked God for her every single day.
I still prayed that my mother would one day come around and experience the joy that ZaZa brought anyone, but I wasn’t counting on it. If she wanted to let her pride and anger cause her to miss out on her granddaughter’s life, then it was her loss.
“This child is far from sweet. She’s a little demon child! The child tries to grab and touch everything she sees,” Ms. Martha jokingly complained. “This is her last time going shopping with me.”
“I bet she was terrible, wasn’t she?”
“Naw, she was alright. She kept trying to throw stuff in the basket, so I see that me and Brookie done rubbed off on her already.”
I looked at ZaZa playing with her hands and shook my head. I could only imagine how spoiled and high maintenance she would grow to be. But most importantly, I saw how loved she was. Love brought out the best in people, so I knew my daughter was destined to be great. She was surrounded by love so she wouldn’t have to grow up searching for it the way that I did.
She wouldn’t have to question herself or be afraid to fail. She would know that she had a family that would support her no matter what. I was thankful for Brook because she was the best aunt anyone could ask for. If ZaZa grew up and was afraid to talk to me, she would have Brook there and that was important.
I had three aunts, but I wasn’t close to any of them. My mother didn’t allow me to be. I wasn’t close to my cousins because my mother didn’t agree with the way they were being raised so aside from certain holidays and occasional family functions, I didn’t see my family much.
A shiny gold object interrupted my thoughts. I held ZaZa’s hand still and looked at the gold plated bracelet on her wrist. Although it was beautiful, I could tell it was much too expensive for a nine month old.
“Mama,” I groaned, giving Martha the evil eye.
She waved her hands. “Girl, you better leave me alone. That’s my grandbaby and I can buy her whatever I want.” She pursed her lips together and shrugged her shoulders. “She deserves nice things, too.”
Nice was an understatement. The bracelet had to be 24 k gold and it had ZaZa engraved on the plate. I could only imagine how much Martha had spent on it. “What if she loses it?”
“How? She don’t know how to take it off.” Ms. Martha rolled her eyes. “And you better not take it off either. It’s real gold, so she can bathe with it and everything. She can wear it wherever she goes, ain’t that right mommy.” Martha tickled ZaZa and took her from my arms. “Show them other babies how to do it.”
I shook my head and laughed. The woman loved the hell out of ZaZa and that was for sure. God blessed the both of us when he put her in our lives.
“I won’t take it off, don’t worry. Well, except when she goes to daycare.”
Ms. Martha walked over to my bed and sat down on the end. She gave ZaZa her phone and placed her on the floor. “This child is heavy,” she huffed, fanning herself. “It’s hot in here. Is the air on?”
I shrugged my shoulders, but Martha had already grabbed a sheet of paper and started fanning herself. “Now, what’s this about daycare? Who gave you permission to put my baby in daycare?”
“Well, I might start working soon. I know Brookie is in school, you like to be out and about, and Flip…who knows what the hell Flip does all day, but I’ll need someone to keep her.”
Martha continued fanning herself while she pondered over something. She started to say something, then paused. “Whatever he does ain’t more important than keeping his child.”
“I know,” I agreed. “But you know how he is. I just want something stable for her. I don’t need him having to up and leave and have her riding with him to go do nothing stupid. I hope he wouldn’t do that, but I don’t want to chance it.” I sat down on the bed next to Martha. “I’d feel better knowing exactly where she was at all times.”
Ms. Martha made a strange sound and rocked back and forth a little. “I just don’t know how I feel about daycare right now. She’s so young. She needs to be attended to at all times. The people at those daycares can be negligent as hell sometimes. And it don’t be on purpose; they just got a lot of kids and can’t really focus on just one.”
“Well, ZaZa will be the only child with this lady.” I explained to Ms. Martha how I met Ms. Inez and how I would consider her to watch ZaZa.
“Girl, this is a small world. Ms. Inez kept Brookie and Flip for me for a little bit! I was working this little office job for about a month before they fired me. She kept them around that time. I met her in the store and she offered to help,” Ms. Martha smiled. “That Ms. Inez, I see nothing has changed.”
“She was so good with ZaZa on the bus.”
“Girl, she taught Brookie how to tie her shoe, count; all that. She was a blessing to me.” Ms. Martha smiled at the memory. “I ended up moving and lost touch with her, but I never forgot that lady. Didn’t charge me a dime, either.”
“Really?”
Ms. Martha’s head moved side to side slowly. “Nope. Not a dime. She wouldn’t take the money even when I tried. I just used to put food in her house ‘cus I was getting stamps at the time.” Martha nodded her head. “ZaZa will be in great hands over there.”
I nodded my head and thought about what Martha said. “When you got fired, what did you do after that?”
Ms. Martha looked at me seriously. “Went to the strip club and got a job.”
“Waitressing?”
“Stripping!” I couldn’t hide my surprise. Ms. Martha didn’t seem like the type of person that would strip for a living. “Yes, girl, I was shaking this ass. I was a fine lil’ something, too.” She threw her head back and laughed. “I wasn’t stacked like you, but back then, titties was the thing to have. They didn’t just care about the booty.”
“I danced for about two years,” she revealed. “It worked out because I was able to spend time with my kids during the day. By the time I left for work, they were already in bed. My mama used to come over every night and catch up on her shows since she didn’t have cable.”
“Your mom knew you were a dancer?”
“Mmhmm. She knew. She didn’t like it too much, but she knew my struggle and she saw my hunger. I didn’t have help, so I had to do what I had to do. But, see, I didn’t do all that reckless spending or showboating. I used all the money I made to take some online courses and ended up starting a little event planning business. I kept dancing until I was financially comfortable, then I focused on my businesses. Events and consulting. I did that so I could make my own hours and I didn’t have to depend on nobody.”
“Wow, I didn’t know that.”
“Nobody did. Hell, my kids don’t even know that,” she shot me a stern glance. “So if they find out, I’m going to kill you.” I playfully zipped my lips and tossed the imaginary key. Martha continued, “See, we didn’t brag about dancing like the girls do today. I mean, some did, but nowadays, they all in your face with it. I wasn’t proud of what I was doing, but I had a plan and stuck to it. I knew I didn’t want to work for nobody and I knew that I wanted to be there for my kids.”
“That’s good that your mama supported you. I’m sure that made everything easier.”
“Yeah, everyone needs someone. Regardless of the situation. My daddy died when we were young. It was five of us so my mama always worked and we hardly got to see her. She wasn’t able to make our plays or games because she always had to work.” Ms. Martha’s eyes drifted off into what seemed like outer space. It seemed as though she was just thinking out loud as she continued her story. “I miss the hell out of my mama. She missed a lot of things, but she always made sure to acknowledge us. If she missed a play, she’d stay up all night to cook a special meal so we could eat and tell her all about it. She tried the best she could, but it was nothing like physically being there. She understood that, so she supported me in my decision to do what I had to do to be able to provide for my children and spend quality time with them.”
“I don’t want to be a nurse,” I blurted out. The conversation with Martha had sparked something inside of me. “I mean, I know that I will be able to provide for ZaZa financially, but it’s a very demanding field. I’ll be working a lot. And honestly it’s not what my heart is set on. I’m only-“
“Baby, you don’t have to explain anything to me. If you don’t want to do it, don’t.” She looked at me and shrugged. “Life is too short to not live, you understand?”
I nodded my head.
“So what do you want to do?”
“I think I want to write.”
She nodded her head. “I can tell by your blog post that you’re a good writer.”
I widened my eyes. “How you know about that?”
“You left it up on my laptop that day when you couldn’t find your charger. It was really good, too. I was really impressed.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you saw it?” I said, slightly embarrassed. That blog consisted of my innermost thoughts, fears, and insecurities.
“I wasn’t going to mention it until you did.” She smiled. “I read the first line to see if it was something important or not before I closed it, but I just couldn’t stop reading after that. It’s like it sucked me in. You have a way with words and I think you should invest in yourself.”
“I don’t have time to do that and do the nursing program though.”
“Then stop doing nursing. Stop wasting your time.”
I sighed and looked at the ground. “I wish it was that easy.”
“Hell, it is. Just stop doing it.” Martha was no nonchalant about it, while I was scared out of my mind. I was afraid of change; afraid of starting over.
“I’d be letting down so many people, though.”
Ms. Martha turned her body so that she was facing me. “Child, you cannot live your life for no one else. The only person you should be worried about,” she paused and pointed to ZaZa, “is her. She’s too young to be let down. She doesn’t care about what you do for a living, she cares about you. She cares about the time and love you give. She needs her mother to be happy so she can be happy.”
I thought back to what Miss Inez had told me. “She feeds off my energy. This is the second time I’ve heard that.”
“Hallelujah!” Ms. Martha shouted. “That’s reassurance! God is speaking to you and He’s telling you to follow your heart. Trust Him. Everybody always says, don’t make a move without having a plan, but you can’t make plans when you’re not in control. God is in control, so He will make a way for you. All a plan is, is a blueprint that will show you your failures. What happens if you set a deadline then miss it? You feeling all down and depressed, and it kills your hunger to want to finish. You hear me?”
I nodded my head. “Yes ma’am.”
“It’s when you step out on that limb; that’s when your strength shows, cus you have no choice. You’ll either sink or swim, and sinking shouldn’t be an option. When you have no plan B, that’s when shit gets done. Mark my words. You can’t be scared of life, baby.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes and nodded my head. It felt good to have someone believe in me. “I may have a job working at a publication company. I think that will get me in the door and allow different opportunities for me in the writing field.”
“You don’t seem excited about it,” she said in a concerned tone.
I hated to admit that she was right. I wanted to be excited but I had way too many reservations. I’d always been the “by the books” type of person; I always tried to finish anything I started so leaving the medical field was something that terrified me.
“I’m just a little apprehensive.”
“Why?”
“I haven’t told Flip about the job yet. I kind of told him about me wanting to write, but he was dismissive of it. He wants me to continue nursing.”
“Fuck what Flip wants! You’re not living your life for him. He can either get with it or get lost,” Martha fussed. “I get it. You love him, that’s your man, and blah blah; but he ain’t your husband. He don’t get a say so. And even if he does become your husband, he supposed to support you.”
I leaned over and wrapped my arms tightly around my mother in law and we held each other until ZaZa decided to join in. I put an arm around my daughter and kissed her cheek. I closed my eyes and promised myself that I would make her proud. I promised to follow my dreams so that she could grow up and do the same.
After the hug, I sighed and looked at my mother-in-law, whom I adored with all my heart. “You really think I can do it?”
Ms. Martha nodded and rose to her feet. “I do, Zuri. But I’m not the one that has to believe in you. You have to believe in yourself. Don’t make that jump until you do, because the second you hesitate, you’re going to fall on your face.” Ms. Martha picked ZaZa up off the bed and sat her on her hip. “She’ll be with me tonight so you can think about what we talked about.”
We told each other goodnight and she and ZaZa headed towards the door. Before she left, Martha turned around toward me. “I saved that blog for you. Whenever you’re ready to do something with it, let me know.”
“Thank you so much. For everything.”
Ms. Martha looked at me with so much compassion, it made me want to burst into tears. “Zuri, I know I didn’t birth you, but you’re my daughter. I love you like I carried you myself. Don’t ever feel like you don’t have a mother, because you do. No matter what happens with you and Flip, I’m here for you.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded my head as Ms. Martha wiped the tear from her eye. My blog, A Motherless Child, must have really touched her deeply. I sighed and laid back on my bed thinking about the risk that I would take by giving up what I had become so accustomed to, for something that was so indefinite.
