BITTER, page 4
I rolled my eyes and sulked my way into the living room. My mother’s dismissive tone and rigid body language had rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t know how much more of the bullshit I could take.
My sister joined me on the couch and we got caught up. It didn’t surprise me that nothing had changed in regards to the way my parents ran their household. Their way or no way. Azalia seemed to be much more rebellious than I was. I followed all the rules, while she chose which ones she wanted to obey.
I admired her tenacity and bravery at such a young age. I was positive that she would be a lot happier with her life choices since she was doing her own thing.
We talked for a good thirty minutes before a few more family members trickled in. Azalia didn’t invite any of her friends over because she said it was lame, so when everyone arrived, it was time to eat.
The actual dinner turned out to be good. The food was on point and I enjoyed catching up with some of my family members. Throughout the day, ZaZa bounced from lap to lap, but she never landed in the lap of her grandmother.
Every time someone mentioned her name or mentioned that my mama was a grandma, she forced a smile and tried to change the subject or remove herself from the conversation. The more I noticed her obvious disdain for my child, the more I wanted to call her out on it, but I decided to keep the peace. I figured eventually she would come around.
After dinner, it was time to sing happy birthday and serve dessert. It seemed like the night would end on a positive note, but I should have known better. The tension had been thick all night and it was only a matter of time before shit went left.
The conversation started casually. My mother’s cousin Bernice asked a simple question; no one thought it would set off a damn ticking time bomb.
“So, Azalia, have you started thinking about college yet? Have you decided what you wanted to do yet?”
Azalia shrugged her shoulders slowly. “I’m back and forth about it. I can’t decide between Communications or Journalism.”
“Neither of those will produce a lucrative career,” my mother chimed in. “We’re thinking law would be more suitable.”
Azalia continued talking, “That’s if I decide to go straight to college.”
“Oh, that’s not an option! You’re going to college,” my mother fussed, sitting her fork down. “A real one.”
She didn’t have to look my way; I knew instantly that was a jab at me. I ignored her comment and focused on trying to stop ZaZa from sticking her hand in my cake.
“Well, now there’s nothing wrong with community college,” Bernice said. “Everyone has to start somewhere.”
“Zuri goes to HCC and she was on the Dean’s List. She’s doing really well at a community college. And she has a child,” Azalia boasted proudly. I couldn’t help but smile knowing my sister was proud of me even when I wasn’t proud of myself.
Alison scoffed. “I mean, it’s a community college; it would be embarrassing to not make the Dean’s list.”
“The classes I take are just as intense as they would be at a university,” I chimed in. “But I think Zay still has time to decide what she wants to do with her life. I didn’t decide until my senior year.”
“Was that before or after you got pregnant?” Alison questioned with a smirk.
Everyone got silent, except ZaZa, who was oblivious to all the tension in the room. “Before,” I replied as politely as I could. “But things change, you just have to roll with the punches.”
“Life is all about choices. Sometimes you make bad choices. You’re human; it happens. But when you’re given an opportunity to solve the problem,” she paused and looked directly at ZaZa. “but refuse to do so, well then, you deserve whatever happens from there.”
“Okay, I’ve had enough!” I yelled, scaring ZaZa in the process. “She’s here now and she’s not going nowhere so you need to get the hell over it!”
“Alright now!” my daddy said, standing up.
“Now you want to talk? When I speak up? When this woman has been disrespecting me all damn day?”
“You watch your mouth, bitch!” my mama yelled, pointing her finger at me.
“Alison!” Aunt Bernice yelled with wide eyes. All the commotion at the table caused ZaZa to start crying so Azalia came and took her from me. “Don’t worry about that miserable woman,” she mumbled. “She always has something negative to say, but she’s quick to tell people she misses you.”
“I’m leaving,” I said, standing up. “I’m done.”
“No, you sit down,” my father demanded. He looked at my mama. “And I don’t ever want to hear you speak like that again!”
Alison rolled her eyes, but sat back in her seat. My daddy stared at me until I took my seat as well.
“Zachary, how dare she come in here flaunting that child like that? Do you want Azalia to think it’s cool or easy to be single mother?”
“I’m not a single mother.”
“That thug hasn’t married you yet and he never will, you fool!” she yelled. “You ruined your life and embarrassed your family!”
“I’m not ashamed,” my daddy said in an attempt to diffuse the situation. For the first time that night, I noticed the specks of gray in my father’s hair. I noticed the wrinkles on his face and realized that life was catching up with him. He was still handsome, but he looked like life was getting the better of him. “I love you and I love that baby. You hear me?”
When our eyes met, nothing but pain lingered in the air.
“I don’t want to do this,” I pushed away from the table and refused to look back. I went into the restroom to wipe my face and calm myself down. I sent Flip a text telling him to call me ASAP.
CHAPTER 7 - HATE
I leaned over the sink and closed my eyes for a few seconds. When I finally opened them and looked at myself in the mirror, all I saw was my mother. It was no secret that I was practically her twin. My reflection broke my heart as I thought about how much my mother hated me. I wondered if she hated herself, too, because I’m sure she saw me every time she looked at herself.
I heard a bunch of commotion and ran out of the restroom and into my sister’s room where I saw my mama snatch ZaZa from Azalia’s hands. My mind went blank as I charged in her direction.
My father grabbed me before I was able to do something that I would later regret. “Azuria, you calm down.” He wrapped his arms around me as I struggled to get away.
Azalia caught my daughter right before she hit the ground. ZaZa screamed at the top of her lungs due to all the commotion surrounding her.
“Get the fuck off me and get your wife!” I yelled at my dad. “Cus if she touches my baby again, I’m going to hurt her!”
Aunt Bernice stormed in the room and grabbed my mama. “What is your problem?”
My mother glanced in my direction, disgusted. “She done brought that damn baby over here and got Azalia thinking it’s cute! She’s in here changing the child’s diaper! That ain’t her job! She’s a teenager for crying out loud!”
Aunt Bernice shook her head and guided my mother out of the room. My daddy tightened his grip on me as they walked past us and I prayed my mama didn’t try anything stupid on her way out. I was never the type to disrespect my elders, but I was willing to go to war with anyone over my daughter; no questions asked.
My daddy loosened his grip on me, while avoiding my gaze. He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked over at Azalia. “She didn’t hurt the baby, did she?”
“I don’t think so. She’s just scared,” Azalia answered as she patted ZaZa’s back softly. ZaZa’s screams had turned into light whimpers so I knew she wasn’t physically hurting.
My daddy nodded his head. He finally looked at me and tried to find the words to say. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know she would act like this.”
It was so typical of my daddy to apologize for my mama’s actions, but I doubt he would say anything to her about what she’d done.
“She’s just still trying-“
I put my hand up to stop him from going any further. I didn’t want to hear any of the excuses that he was going to make for his wife’s actions.
“She shouldn’t have invited me.” I walked over to Azalia and took my daughter from her arms. “Happy Birthday Zay, I’m sorry this happened.”
“It’s not your fault,” she answered sadly and opened her arms for a hug. After our embrace, I looked at my daddy, who was still standing in the same spot.
“I won’t be back.”
I looked at my phone and saw that Flip hadn’t replied to my text message so I forwarded it to his mom and sister, hoping one of them would reply soon. After grabbing ZaZa’s bag, I walked out of the house without another word to anyone.
CHAPTER 8 – INADEQUACY
I didn’t want to wait outside on the porch, so I decided to walk to the park. Carrying ZaZa and her bag was a struggle, so it took me about fifteen minutes to make it to the park. I was exhausted as I sat the bag down on the bench.
I pulled out my phone and saw that Ms. Martha replied and said she would be another hour; Brooklyn and Flip hadn’t replied at all. I called Flip’s phone and listened to it ring until the voicemail picked up.
“What the hell are you doing? Call me ASAP!” I fussed before hanging up the phone. I sat down on the bench and scrolled through my Facebook page.
The first post I saw was from my mama. Although we weren’t friends on Facebook, she tagged Azalia in a post so I was able to see it on Zay’s page. I read the caption aloud, “The greatest gift God bestowed upon me. I love you with all my heart, my favorite girl.”
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t ignore the tugging in my heart. I couldn’t remember the last time my mama said she loved me. I couldn’t recall the last nice thing she said about me. I didn’t understand how she could hate me so much for having a baby. There were far worse things that I could have done.
I looked down at ZaZa as she rested her head on my chest and kissed her forehead. “I could never turn my back on you, baby girl. I love you too much.”
Sleepily she replied. “Luh you too, mama.”
Hearing those words made me cry harder. How could the best thing that has happened to me be the thing that caused the most pain? How could my mother not love me anymore? How could she not love her own grandchild?
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize that an hour had passed and ZaZa and I were still sitting at the park. Brooklyn text me and asked if I still needed a ride. I was in the middle of sending her a text when my phone died.
“Fuck!” I groaned, loudly.
ZaZa’s eyes popped open and she did her signature whine, which worked my nerves to no end. “It’s okay, mommy,’ I told her softly.
“Binky,” she mumbled, wiping her eyes.
I grabbed her diaper bag in search of her pacifier. I moved everything around a few times and realized I must have left it at my mom’s house. I went to text Azalia but remembered that my phone was dead. I sighed deeply, knowing I would have to suck up my pride and go back to my mama’s house to ask for a ride home.
I mustered up the little strength I had left and threw the diaper bag over my shoulder and hoisted ZaZa into a position that was comfortable for me and headed back towards my mom’s house. My heart dropped down to my stomach when I saw my dad’s car backing out of the driveway. I saw Azalia in the front seat with her face deep in her phone.
My hands were too full so I couldn’t wave them down and I didn’t have the energy to try and run them down, so I just walked toward the nearest bus stop. I didn’t know what I did to deserve such bad luck, but I was the poster child for the saying “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”
A car pulled up beside me and rolled the window down. A fairly attractive man with a grill, stuck his head out the window. “Where you going, mama, you need a ride?”
I continued walking without looking in his direction. “Nah, I’m good.”
“You sure? It’s too hot for a pretty lady like you to be walking. I promise I’m a good guy.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw his gold grill shining. “No thank you. The bus will be here shortly.”
I tried to pick up my pace, but with ZaZa and the diaper bag, I couldn’t move much faster. The car was still creeping beside me and it was starting to annoy me.
“I’m a stranger, I get why you don’t want to get in the car with me; but I think you should give me your number so we can get to know each other better.”
I cut my eyes in his direction. “I have a whole baby. Why you want to get to know me?”
“Because I respect your grind. You doing what you gotta do for you and yours and I like that,” he smiled and licked his lips. “Plus, you look good as hell. And you make pretty babies.”
I didn’t want to smile, but his answer was kind of cute, so I smirked a little. “Thank you, but no thanks. I have a man. He’s actually on his way to meet me.”
“No you don’t,” he replied.
I rolled my eyes at his response. The cuteness I previously felt went away as I sucked my teeth. “Excuse me? You don’t know what I have.”
“I know a man wouldn’t have his woman and child walking to a bus stop. At least, not a real one.” With that, he rolled up his window and sped off.
Irritation made its way through my body as I walked toward the bus stop. I don’t know if it was the dude’s statement or the truth behind it that made my blood boil. For some reason, I was embarrassed in that moment to know that I had a man with a car and there I was at a damn bus stop. I rolled my eyes at the thought, but my anger didn’t last long.
It wasn’t Flip’s fault. There was no way we could have known that things would go so badly at my mom’s house. If I hadn’t walked out, I wouldn’t be in the position I was in, so it wasn’t fair for me to blame Flip.
“Binkyyyy,” ZaZa cried again, this time more demanding. The way she was squirming and rubbing her eyes let me know that she was sleepy, which meant that it was only a matter of time before her crankiness kicked into overdrive.
I hadn’t caught the bus in a very long time, but I knew that it would take nearly an hour to make it home. Sitting on the bench, I bounced my legs and patted ZaZa’s back, hoping she would just go back to sleep.
“Biiiinnnkkkyyyyy mommy,” she cried out. She tried to lift her head, but I pushed her head back to my chest in a gentle, but firm manner.
“I don’t know where Binky is right now, ZaZa. Just go to sleep, okay?”
We struggled for a while before ZaZa gave in and finally dozed off. I wasn’t surprised when I saw the bus pulling up. Lord knows I didn’t want to move and wake ZaZa, but we needed to make it home.
As soon as I rose to my feet, ZaZa started to whine. I quickly got on the bus and put her bag down on the first empty seat I saw. I dug around and pulled out some change to pay the fare. As soon as I made it back to the seat, ZaZa was on ten. She started crying loudly, yelling for that damn pacifier.
I had told Flip to get rid of that damn thing way too many times, but he just wouldn’t listen. Every time I lost one, A.K.A. threw one away, he went and bought another one for her.
“Shh, ZaZa, it’s okay,” I shushed, trying to rock her back to sleep but she was not having it. She was screaming so loud, you would have thought someone was hurting her. I could feel the stares of the people on the bus, but I refused to make eye contact with anyone. It wasn’t like they had never seen a crying baby before.
I fumbled through ZaZa’s bag and pulled out her favorite toy, but she refused to grab it; she refused her Cheeto-puffs, and when I handed the heifer her sippy cup, she had the nerve to throw it.
The cup missed an elderly woman by a few inches and I could have died. Luckily the woman offered me a warm smile and handed the cup back to me.
“I’m so sorry,” I told her, on the verge of tears.
She patted my shoulder sympathetically. “Oh, sugar, there’s nothing to be sorry about. I’ve been there before.”
“Me too, girl. Just stick in there,” offered another lady who looked to be in her early thirties. “It’s not easy being a single mother, but it gets better with time.”
It was the second time that day that someone referred to me as a single mother. I didn’t bother correcting her, I just smiled and nodded my head. I looked down at ZaZa and shook my head. Her face had turned red due to all the hollering she was doing.
The elderly woman smiled at ZaZa and pinched her thigh softly. “She’s going to sleep good tonight.”
The other woman agreed. “Yes, she is! Is she your only one?”
“Yes she is,” I answered. ZaZa threw her body backwards, flailing her arms and almost fell out of my arms. “Stop!” I yelled as I popped her thigh lightly. I don’t know why I did that because ZaZa started screaming so loud, she nearly started choking.
The elderly woman smiled tenderly and held her arms out. “May I?”
“She’s sleepy, so she’s going to act up.”
The woman ignored my warning and grabbed ZaZa from my arms. ZaZa looked at the woman and kept crying. I looked through the diaper bag again to find something to distract her and by the time I looked back up, ZaZa was leaning into the woman’s chest, holding a set of keys.
She was rubbing ZaZa’s back and talking softly to her. Part of me felt relieved that the woman successfully calmed ZaZa down, but the other part of me felt like shit. It hurt to know someone could so easily comfort my child and I couldn’t.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked out the window to try and distract myself from the tears that I wanted to cry. The other woman’s stop was coming up, so she rang the bell and stood up.
Before she got off the bus, she smiled at me and gave me a hug. “My son didn’t get off his pacifier until he was almost three so I feel your pain. You’ll be okay, boo.”
She waved at ZaZa and the old woman before she exited the bus. I don’t know if it was the words she spoke or the hug, but whatever it was caused my tears to fall. I hated myself for being so emotional; it seemed like everything made me cry.
