BITTER, page 21
"I called twice. Both times it went straight to the voicemail. If you are in pain, we can go to the ER."
“Girl, he's calling me back now. Let me call you back."
I muted the phone as if I clicked over and let Kali disconnect the line. Sometimes she was too good of a friend, which was only bad when I was scheming.
A text message alert came through and I hoped it was Bryce, but it was just my sister wishing me a happy early Mother’s Day. I had completely forgotten about Mother’s Day but it was cool because finally I would be able to locate Bryce. He had never taken me to his mother's house but I'd followed him enough times to know where she resided.
I finally decided to lay down and get some rest for tomorrow would be an interesting day.
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I woke up later than I expected so I quickly dressed and jumped into my rental car. I called Bryce phone, which was now ringing but I didn't get an answer. When his voicemail picked up, I entered his password to check his messages. The recording said no new messages so that meant he had checked them and still didn't reach out to check on me. My feelings were hurt as I drive toward his mom’s house. Was the bitch that important? I called a few more times and got his voicemail each time.
I saw Bryce's car as soon as I turned on his mother's street. I parked my car a few houses down and turned on my radio. There was no telling how long I would be waiting so I tried to get comfortable in my seat. I pulled out my phone and went on Facebook to see if old girl had accepted my request. I was annoyed to see that she hadn't. She didn't deny the request either, it was just sitting like she was waiting for the perfect time to add me. If she wanted to decline me, she would have done it already, I was sure of it.
About fifteen minutes later, I saw Bryce walking out of the house with his phone to his ear.
"You motherfucker, " I grumbled. I proceeded to dial his number again and watched the nigga pull the phone away from his face, look at the screen, and decline my call before continuing his conversation.
That made my blood boil. I waited a few minutes after he backed out the driveway, then I slowly crept behind him, keeping enough distance to not seem suspicious. I called Bryce three more times, but he didn't bother ignoring those calls; he let ring all the way to voicemail.
By the time we arrived to his destination, I was so pissed that I almost hopped out and confronted him. I looked at the office building and wondered what he was doing there. Bryce stepped out of his car and closed the door. He went to his trunk and fumbled around in there for a bit before closing it and walking to the front of the car, where he leaned on the hood.
I couldn't see what he was doing, but it seemed like he was waiting on someone by the way he kept looking at the building entrance.
I tried my luck one more time, but Bryce didn't budge. My foot was shaking as I tried to calm my nerves. I hated to be ignored and he knew that. I especially hated it because I had no clue why he was ignoring me. I thought things with us were going well.
When my stomach growled, I realized I hadn't eaten anything. "Who are you waiting on?" I asked aloud as I continued to stare at Bryce.
I had convinced myself it was a drug transaction and was about to pull off until I saw Bryce stand up and straighten his posture.
I looked at the buildings entrance and had to blink twice to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. The girl from Starbucks was headed toward my man with a smile on her face. Bryce's arms were extended as she comfortably walked into them. I had counted to ten before they let each other go.
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but my mouth felt like sandpaper. His tall frame blocked her, so I couldn't tell how the conversation was going, but his body language suggested he was happy to see her.
My pride took a jab when he turned and I saw a huge smile on his face. He walked to the backseat of his car and opened the door. When he leaned in, I got a clear look at the girl, who also wore a smile. She wore a red badge around her neck, so I figured she worked somewhere in the building. Somehow, someway I would find out who the fuck she was and why she wouldn't just go the fuck away.
My mouth dropped when I saw Bryce holding a huge bouquet of flowers and a gift bag. He walked over to the girl and handed it to her as she covered her mouth in awe. She started fanning her eyes before grabbing taking the gifts from Bryce's hands. I read her lips as she thanked him and I read his as he told her she deserved it.
When he leaned in to kiss her, I lost my mind. I punched the steering wheel so hard, my horn went off. I quickly ducked down in my seat so my cover wouldn't be blown. I stayed down there for about two minutes and when I finally got the courage to take a peek, Bryce was already pulling out of the parking lot.
I was filled with rage as I headed to my house. I was tired of my feelings being played with. Bryce thought he was going to have his cake and eat it too, but he had another thing coming.
I pulled up to a red light, so I grabbed my phone and sent Miss Thang another message.
Why you are you still texting Bryce? Didn't I tell you to stay away?
I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel and tried to block out the urges that I felt to get high. I did so well until I got a messenger notification and saw that Miss Thang replied and she had attached receipts.
I scrolled through the pictures of them lying in the bed together, kissing, and him rubbing her feet. I watched the little grey bubble move and knew she wasn't finished. The next picture was her showing off her ring.
I can't lie, that picture hurt my soul, but the last picture took the cake.
You're delusional, and that daughter you spoke of, shebelongs to me. So does he.
She also attached a picture of his tattoo "Zuri" with it circled and “Zuri N Flip forever written in pink letters.
Pissed off, I felt like my back was to the wall. I sent her a picture of the lease agreement for my apartment with both of our names listed. If the bitch wanted to go for jugulars, I could do the same. I drove myself to the emergency room and told them that I had been spotting. When they asked me if there was anyone I would like to call, I gave them Bryce’s number.
I was locked and loaded; ready to go to war for his love and I didn’t mind playing dirty. All was fair in love is war…or at least that’s what mama used to say.
CHAPTER 36 – LOSS
ZURI
It had been a few days since Flip’s so called baby mama sent me a picture of her lease, which had Flip’s name on it. I won’t lie, that picture crushed my soul, but I didn’t let that bitch or Flip make me step out of character.
For some reason, thought of what she did was weighing heavily on my heart that morning, but I pushed it to the back of my head and focused on attempting to plan ZaZa’s first party as I drove home.
I was so last minute, it was ridiculous. ZaZa was turning one in less than two weeks and I didn’t have a clue what to do to celebrate her. Martha and Brookie had so many ideas, but they were all way too over the top for a one year old, but I was two seconds away from just letting them take over.
When I pulled into my apartment complex, I saw that I had an email from the HR department at my job. As I read the email, my heart dropped and my heart starting pounding against my chest.
In a nutshell, the email said, bitch you’re fired. No other explanation besides the company had decided to move in a different direction. I dialed my boss’s number and waited as the phone rang. When the voicemail picked up, I left him a message asking him to call me. Instead of a phone call, he sent me a text stating that he was sorry, but it wasn’t personal.
“Noo, not right now, God.”
I sent another message asking what I did wrong, but got an alert that said my message could not be delivered. I was shocked and appalled that he blocked me, because he and I always had a friendly, yet professional relationship.
Unsure of what else to do, I called Bash to see if he could offer any suggestions as to what caused me to lose my job. When he didn’t answer, I instantly felt defeated. Not only did I have rent coming, I had a birthday party to try and pay for. Refusing to cry, I got out of my car and dragged my feet all the way to my front door.
When I made it in the house, I laid across the couch and completely zoned out. At some point, Flip brought ZaZa home. I don’t recall if we had a conversation or not; all I remember was laying on the couch, only getting up to use the restroom and check on Zariyah.
After two days of doing nothing, I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. ZaZa was being her usual dramatic self and for some reason this particular day, it was too much for me to handle. I felt like screaming at her to shut up, but I knew she didn’t do anything wrong. For some reason in that moment, I couldn’t stand to look at my daughter.
She looked to me for guidance and protection and I wasn’t in the position to give her that. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and I sure didn’t feel like I could keep her from harm’s way. I could hardly get the bills paid. I could hardly keep gas in my car. I couldn’t do anything on my own and that reality was enough to question whether or not I even deserved to be a mother.
I didn’t know who else to call so I called Miss Inez and told her that I was depressed. I didn’t know what else to do, but that was my attempt at crying out and asking for help. Miss Inez told me that I was going through some things, but I wasn’t depressed. I don’t know if was her attempt at making me feel better, but that only made me feel worse.
I didn’t want to be bothered with anyone, including my child. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and after a while, I started to wonder why I was even born. If that wasn’t depression, I didn’t know what was.
I heard a few knocks at the door, but I didn’t move until they became louder. Without checking the peephole or the mirror, I carelessly swung the door open. By the grace of God, it wasn’t a murderer at my doorstep, it was Martha and Valencia.
“Why haven’t you answered that damn phone?” Valencia asked as soon as she laid eyes on me.
Ms. Martha seemed to be a little more sympathetic. “Ohh, baby,” she cried out and held out her arms. I didn’t hesitate to walk into her arms and let her cradle me and rock me like I was a baby.
They weren’t even in the house before I broke down in tears. I cried my eyes out for at least an hour before I was ready to talk.
“I just can’t catch a break. I tried to move out and do this on my own, but it seems like every time I take two steps forward, I get knocked back four steps. I just-I can’t do it.”
“You’re doing great for yourself! You’re doing way better than I was doing at nineteen,” Valencia replied.
“I lost my job two days ago,” I admitted robotically. “And I can’t even tell you why. My daughter is turning one in a few weeks and I won’t be able to throw her a party.”
“You know we got ZaZa,” Ms. Martha chimed. “She’ll always be taken care of.”
“But that’s my job,” I said as bravely as I could.
“Baby, we all need a little help from time to time. It takes a village to raise a child, no one has done it alone,” Martha countered.
“That’s true,” Valencia added. “My son is four, going on five, and I still call on my mama for almost everything.”
I sighed and tried to contain my tears, but the flow was too heavy to be contained. “I just feel like a failure. I feel like I failed my parents and I’m so afraid of failing my daughter. I feel like she doesn’t even like me; all she does is cry and I can’t do anything but cry with her.”
“Listen, Zuri, there is no handbook for parenting. There are no rules to this. You learn as you go. I’m still learning and both of my kids are damn near grown. Stop trying to be a perfect parent, because they don’t exist.”
“You both just make it look so easy.”
“Shit, that’s the key. Make the struggle look good,” Valencia added. “You think I don’t have breakdowns, too? The first two years of my son’s life, most of my time was spent in the club. I was so scared of being a mama that I ran from it. It wasn’t until my son cried every time he came home with me that I realized I was tripping.”
“You are a great mother, Zuri.” Martha smiled at me. “You have to believe that.”
“I’m just scared, you know? Like, how can I give her love when I never received it myself?”
“The same way you’ve been doing it.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I shook my head. I looked at Martha with sad eyes. “Your son ruined me.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true! All I knew was Flip and he went and gave it all to another bitch,” I revealed somberly. “He has an apartment with her. He’s going to build a family with her.”
Martha frowned her face. “I don’t know about that.”
“I saw it with my own two eyes.”
Valencia shook her head and sighed. “It’s not even about Flip, it’s about ZaZa and what’s best for her. At least he’s still part of her life. Some men will completely abandon their responsibilities when the relationship fails. Give him some credit as a father. Yeah, he was a shitty boyfriend, but he is a great father.”
I nodded my head and blinked away tears. “That’s why I’m afraid she’ll be better off with him.”
“Aww, Zuri,” they said in unison, while hugging me until I cried myself to sleep.
When I woke back up, I checked my phone and saw that Martha text me and told me she had taken ZaZa for the night. Flip had also texted me asking what I was doing. I battled with myself, trying to decide whether or not I wanted to tell him about how I’d been feeling. I took a deep breath and sent him a four page text telling him that I wasn’t in a good space mentally or emotionally and that I wasn’t sure that I could handle ZaZa in my current state. I told him that I loved her so much that I wanted the best for her. In that moment, I felt like I was the furthest thing from that.
After about thirty minutes with no reply, I walked into the restroom and opened a bottle of sleeping pills. I stared at them for a long time before pouring two in my mouth and swallowing. I walked back over my couch and laid down again until I could no longer feel, see, or hear anything.
CHAPTER 37 – ROADBLOCKS
LONI
Bryce had been on my shit-list ever since he decided that he didn’t want to show up to the emergency room to check up on me and his son. During that bogus trip to the hospital, I found out that we were having a boy. When I told Bryce, his reply was “that’s what’s up” which pissed me the hell off.
I sat on the couch and waited for him to come over to help me setup the baby’s crib. It would be the first time we were together face-to-face in a while and I didn’t know exactly how to feel about it.
When he knocked on the door, I felt a strange sensation run through my veins. Something was right; Bryce always used his keys to enter our apartment. I wondered if that Zuri bitch had said something to him about the little spats we’d been having.
“Hey stranger.”
He nodded his head in my direction as he stepped around me and walked directly to the box in the living room. “Where you trying to put this at?”
“In my room.” I pushed the door closed and followed him to the bedroom. “Me and your son are okay, thank you for asking.”
He grunted and proceeded to take the pieces of the crib out of the box.
“Umm, is everything okay?”
“Yup.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I’m good, bro. Where my tool box at?” He asked, standing to his feet and looking around. He headed towards the restroom and called never mind out over his shoulder.
I couldn’t take the bullshit anymore, so I ended up snapping. “What the fuck is your problem? You back fucking your other BM, now all of a sudden, you’re acting all brand new?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about! I been hearing about how you all in her face now, while you been trying to downplay her to me.”
“I ain’t downplayed shit.”
“Yeah, I guess not. The bitch name tatted on your neck, I should have known; but you told me that Zuri was ZaZa’s real name,” I spat even though it was a lie. I had just assumed that was what the Zuri on his neck stood for.
“I ain’t tell you shit about my child or my baby mama because that’s none of your fucking business so watch how you handle either one of them.”
My feelings were hurt by the venom in his voice. “Really, Bryce? So what about me and my baby?”
Bryce’s face was contorted as he shook his head at me like I was nothing to him. “Move around with that shit.”
Anger caused me to run up in his face. “What the fuck you mean move around, my nigga?”
“Why you want me to give a fuck about this baby when you don’t, huh? Your doctor said you had traces of heroine and cocaine in your system.” He glared down at me. “So you still popping tabs and shit? You still getting high, my nigga?”
“That was a long time ago.”
“Tabs leave your system in two to three days so quit trying to fuckin’ play me. You don’t give a fuck about that lil’ nigga in your stomach, so I don’t give a fuck either.”
“Get the fuck out my house, Bryce!” I screamed.
My heart broke with every step he took out of my apartment. He didn’t interrupt his stride nor did he look back on his way out.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I called his baby mama to start shit with her so that she could piss him off enough that he would possibly come back to me. I stormed over to my bed and noticed that Flip had left his phone on the carpet where he was seated.
I picked up the phone and saw that he had a few messages from Zuri. I read the messages with a smirk on my face. If she thought they were going to be a happy family, she had another thing coming. I thought once I made the bitch lose her job, that she would learn not to play with me, but some people needed to be reminded.
