BITTER, page 3
I shook my head. “Nah, I’m okay. Are you hungry?”
“Not right now, bae. Thank you though. I’ll be right back.” He pulled me in for another and kissed me again. I blushed so hard because I loved when Flip was affectionate with me. Brooklyn watched us as we hugged and then gagged playfully once he walks out.
“I never thought I’d see the day that my brother became such a cake,” she said, walking over to the table.
I fixed a small bowl of food and joined her at the kitchen table. Brooklyn smiled at me as soon as I sat down.
“What you smiling for?”
“You pregnant again?” she blurted out.
I almost choked on the potato I was chewing. “Huh? Where’d that come from?”
“You can tell me.”
“Tell you what? Brook, no. I’m not pregnant,” I told her. I got up to get a bottle of water to ease the food down. “Why you ask that?”
“I had a dream that you’re pregnant and you know I had that same dream when you were pregnant with ZaZa.”
I looked at the back of Brooklyn’s head as I walked back to the table. I wished I could see her face to see if she was serious about having that dream because I do remember her telling me she had a dream I was pregnant right before I found out about ZaZa.
“Girl, don’t wish that on me! ZaZa is more than enough.” I sat back down and started to pick at my food, wondering if I could possibly be pregnant. I didn’t make Flip use condoms because his STD test came back clean. I didn’t want to take any chances once I found out he had slept with someone else.
Even though he didn’t wear a condom, I made him pull out each time even though I was on birth control. Ever since ZaZa was conceived while on birth control, I didn’t want to take any chances of him nutting in me so I was almost sure I wasn’t pregnant.
“Zuri, you don’t hear me talking to you?”
I blinked twice and focused back on my gorgeous sister-in-law. Like Flip, she had rich chocolate skin with fine, curly hair. All of her features were dark, which made her look exotic to me. “Sorry, Brook, what’d you say?”
“I said I need you to help tutor me in math. I don’t get this Algebra stuff.”
“Of course. You know I got you,” I told her. “You’re not failing are you?”
“Not yet; but I don’t get it so I wouldn’t be surprised if I did. That’s why I’m glad you here. You smart as shit.” She thought about what she said and paused. “Well, that’s not the only reason. I love you like a sister and ZaZa is my little baby.”
“I get you,” I laughed. “So how is school going other than that? Those girls still starting mess with you?”
Brooklyn rolled her eyes and smacked her lips. I giggled and braced myself to listen to the high school drama that I didn’t miss. Because I was pretty much a bookworm, I wasn’t involved in much in high school and I’m kind of glad I did fly under the radar.
Not only was Brooklyn gorgeous, she was on the dance team, she had a popular boyfriend, and she dressed nice so she seemed to be a target for drama. I halfway listened to her vent as I finished my food, wondering how my life would have been if I’d been one of the popular kids.
After I ate, I helped Brook clean the kitchen and headed to my new living quarters. Flip’s family wasn’t rich, but they stayed in a nice, spacious house in a nice neighborhood in Houston.
Flip’s room was pretty big, even with the king sized bed sitting in the middle. When I entered the room, Flip was setting up ZaZa’s toddler bed.
“You don’t think she’s too small to be in that bed?” I asked him.
“She’ll grow into it. She needs to get used to sleeping in it anyway.”
I nodded my head and started grabbing the clothes off the bed and taking them to the closet. As I was hanging up my clothes, I noticed the closet looked a little empty. “Babe, where’s all your stuff?” I saw a few items of clothing in the closet, but Flip’s wardrobe was pretty extensive and a lot of items were missing.
“I moved most of my stuff to the spare room,” he answered. “I knew y’all had a lot of shit, so I just moved most of my clothes out. Some of my stuff is in storage, too.”
“That was considerate of you.”
Flip stood up straight and smiled at me. “Anything for my girls.”
We didn’t say much else to one another as we straightened up the room. The more things I put away, the more comfortable I became. I knew that I wanted us to have our own place, but living with his mother wasn’t looking too bad, either.
I was just glad that I was in an environment where I was surrounded by love. I knew that Flip’s family had me and my daughter’s best interest at heart and that meant so much to me. After we were done unpacking, Flip and I took a shower and made love in his bed for the first time in forever.
Normally, I didn’t like to have sex when there was a house full of people, but I felt at home. Plus, I was in need of a release and Flip made sure I did just that; over and over.
CHAPTER 5 – UNCERTAINTY
The next morning I woke up and made breakfast for everyone. It was the least I could do since I knew I wasn’t in the position to financially help out yet. Brooklyn had gone to get her hair done and Flip said he had some business to handle, so it was just me, Ms. Martha, and ZaZa.
After I fed ZaZa, I sat her in the living room with her toys and turned on cartoons to keep her busy. I walked back to the table with Ms. Martha and drank a glass of orange juice.
“You’re not going to eat?” she asked me with a brow raised.
I patted my stomach. “I was snacking while I was cooking so I’m not really hungry right now.”
Her gaze didn’t waver as she pursed her lips together. “You need to eat something.”
I looked in front of me and ate one of ZaZa’s soggy pancakes. I cringed as soon as it touched my tongue but I forced myself to swallow.
Ms. Martha chuckled. “That’s what your butt gets.” She shook her head slowly. “You got to take better care of yourself.” She grabbed my hand and looked at my nails. I was so embarrassed I wanted to snatch my hand away. “Uh-unh, look at these nails. When the last time you got them done?”
I thought about it and honestly couldn’t remember. It had been weeks, maybe even over a month. “I don’t even know. I’m so busy, I really don’t even have the time.”
“Never get too busy to take care of yourself.” She looked me over again and it made me want to run and hide. “You’re lucky you’re naturally cute, cus honey, I can tell that hair hasn’t been touched in weeks; them eyebrows either.” Ms. Martha took a bite of her sausage. “When the last time you went shopping for you?”
My silence told her what she already knew. She sighed and grabbed her plate. She stood up and walked to the sink. “Breakfast was good, but what you should have done this morning was got up and had you some alone time. Go pamper yourself.”
I didn’t have money to pamper myself even if I wanted to, I thought. I was too embarrassed to say it out loud, so I gave another excuse. “I’m not really a hair and nail person, though, ma.” Which was true. “My mama didn’t take me to do those things growing up, so they weren’t a big deal to me.” When Flip would take me to get it done, I would, but I could do without it.
“Girl, I wish I hadn’t gotten Brook’s ass started. That damn girl stay with her hand out trying to get her hair and nails done,” she chuckled. She looked back over at me with sad eyes. “Even if it’s not hair or nails, you have to do something for you. Whatever it is that you like to do...find time to do it. Even it’s once a week.”
She walked back over to the table and reached out for my hand. “I know how it is to feel like there’s not enough hours in a day. Trust me, all mothers do. But pick one day out the week to do something for you. Call a friend and go grab lunch, or go to a movie. Or hell, go alone. Just do something for Zuri for a change.”
I nodded my head and smiled. I was afraid I would cry if I talked. I wasn’t used to that type of affection so it always made me emotional. The love in Ms. Martha’s eyes was overwhelming so I looked over at ZaZa, who was in her own world with her blocks.
“What if I don’t know what I like?” I couldn’t stop my voice from cracking. I felt so pathetic sitting there. I didn’t know what my interests were; I didn’t have time to be interested in anything other than school, ZaZa, and Flip.
“Try new things until you figure it out.” I didn’t know I was crying until Ms. Martha thumbed away a tear from my cheek. “It’s okay to not know; the important thing is to find out.”
Flip’s mama pulled out a napkin and handed it to me. “Have you talked to your parents? Do they know you’re back out this way?”
I swallowed and dabbed my face. “I text my dad yesterday and told him, but he didn’t reply.”
Ms. Martha nodded her and looked in ZaZa’s direction as well. “I ran into your mama at Target about a week ago. She asked me have I talked to you and how you were doing.”
“She has my number to ask me that herself,” I said harshly. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but I was drowning in emotions.
Ms. Martha didn’t acknowledge my statement. “I told her you were doing good for yourself. I told her that you were doing well in school and that ZaZa was happy and healthy.” She paused for a few seconds. “I also told her that you would be down here this week.”
I snapped my head in her direction.
“Now, I didn’t tell her that you were moving here; that’s for you to do. I just told her that you would be here for the weekend and she told me that she would be cooking tonight.” She studied my facial expression. “She said it’s someone’s birthday and that she would like it if you joined them.”
I didn’t know how to take the news that I just received. On one hand, I wanted to go see my family and celebrate my little sister’s fifteenth birthday. I was happy that they extended the invitation to me, but I was a little hurt that no one contacted me personally. If my mother hadn’t run into Ms. Martha, would she still have wanted me to come?
As if she had read my mind, she said, “The Lord puts us in certain places for certain reasons. The parking lot at the Wal-Mart looked too packed so I decided to go to Target. And what are the odds I see your mama? We’ve been living about fifteen minutes away from one another all these years and have never run into each other. ” Ms. Martha gave my hand a squeeze. “It was meant for me to see her so she could extend that olive branch.”
I stayed silent. I didn’t understand why God couldn’t just tell my mama that I was still her daughter even though I disappointed her. Why couldn’t He tell her that I needed her? I had so many questions, but I refused to dwell on them.
“You want me to take you?” Ms. Martha offered. “She said it starts at four. I can drop y’all off on my way out.”
“I want Flip to come, too.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think it needs to be just you and ZaZa for now.
Start with baby steps.”
I sighed and despite my hesitation, I agreed to go. Maybe when my mother met her granddaughter for the first time, her heart would soften and we could rebuild a relationship
CHAPTER 6 – RESENTMENT
The closer it got to four o’clock, the more I began to doubt my decision to go to my parent’s house for the dinner. Flip kept telling me it was just my nerves, but I felt like it was my gut telling me that I shouldn’t be there.
“It’s not even about your mama and daddy. It’s about Azalia,” Flip told me.
I stared at his handsome face and wished he was in my presence to hold me until I calmed down. I rolled my eyes and sat the phone down on the bed next to me while I put on my shoes.
“They wouldn’t have invited you if they were going to be on some bullshit, babe,” he reasoned.
I grabbed the phone and looked into his eyes again. “I wish you were here with me.”
“I’ll be there when you get back, baby so you can tell me how good it went. Then we can watch movies all night. Well, until you fall asleep.”
I managed to laugh. “Can we eat ice cream, too?”
“Of course, babe,” he grinned. “Calm down. It’s just your parents’ house.”
He made it sound so simple, but my parents were the most complex beings on Earth. They were stubborn, judgmental, and sometimes just downright mean. My father wasn’t so bad, but it seemed like lately he just went along with whatever my mother said or did.
She was the one I was worried about. The things she said to me before kicking me out made it hard to believe that she spent so much of her time in the church. I understood she was upset, but there are certain things that a mother just shouldn’t say to their child.
I sighed and blew Flip a kiss. “I love you. I’ll see you later.”
“A’ight, babe,” he said before disconnecting the FaceTime call. That was the second time Flip got off the phone without telling me he loved me back and it was starting to bother me. I sent him a text before putting my phone in my purse and walking to the living room.
“I’m ready,” I told Ms. Martha as I grabbed ZaZa and headed to the car.
The fifteen minute ride was silent for the most part. I was happy that Ms. Martha respected the fact that I just wasn’t in the mood to talk. She and ZaZa kept each other company while I stared quietly out the window.
My text message alert went off, so I picked up my phone. It was Flip responding to message telling me that he didn’t hear me say that I loved him. I didn’t reply to the text because I had other things to worry about.
When we pulled up to the house that I grew up in, I started to tremble a little. The last time I was there my mother told me she wished that I was never born because I wouldn’t be anything more than a welfare whore.
Those words alone were the main reason I hadn’t applied for food stamps or housing, although I knew both programs would be helpful. I didn’t want to get comfortable and prove her right; I wanted to show her that I could still be successful even with a child.
I didn’t text anyone to tell them that I was coming because I wanted it to be a surprise. I didn’t want them to be able to rehearse or practice their reaction when they saw me. I wanted to know how they really felt.
“Call me if you need me. I love you,” Ms. Martha said before I walked up the driveway. She just didn’t know how much confidence that gave me. I carried ZaZa up to the front porch and let her ring the doorbell.
Only a few seconds went by before the door swung open and I was face-to-face with my sister. “Zuri!” she squealed before throwing her arms around me and ZaZa. She held me tightly before pulling away with tears in her eyes.
I blinked my tears away as I looked at my sister. So much about her had changed since I last saw her a little over a year ago. I kept up with her on Facebook, but it was nothing like seeing her face-to-face.
She beamed at ZaZa. “Oh my goodness, she’s so big!” She held her arms around and surprisingly ZaZa reached for her. “Hey auntie’s pretty girl!”
I could smell my daddy’s cologne long before I saw him walk around the corner. “What’s all this fussing about?”
Zachary Middleton stopped dead in his tracks when he laid eyes on me. His mouth was agape as his dark brown eyes darted from me, to ZaZa, back to me. “Well, I’ll be...” His lips spread into a smile as he walked over to me and pulled into him.
“It’s so good to see you, Zuri” he mumbled as he rocked me side to side. “I’m glad you came.”
When he released me, he looked at ZaZa. “And you must be the pretty little princess that Azalia always talks about.”
“I ZaZa”
My daddy belted out a hearty laugh. “Well ZaZa, I guess I’m Paw Paw. Can you say Paw Paw?”
“Paw Paw” she repeated with a nod and a smile.
I could see how proud that made him by the way his posture changed. He shoulders were squared and it almost looked like his chin tilted slightly upward. He kissed her cheek and smiled. “She looks just like you did,” he told me. “Spitting image.”
He looked back and forth for a second, before taking ZaZa’s bag from me and leading us down the hall toward the kitchen. Nothing had seemed to change since the last time I was there, but that was no surprise. My mama wasn’t big on change; she was one of those people who stuck to the rivers and lakes she was used to.
She was boring; which is probably where I got it from. I didn’t go or do too much of anything. I had always been comfortable with being a homebody. Flip hated it at first, but he eventually got used to it. I would go out with him when he asked me to, but that was about it.
“Alison, look who’s here,” my daddy said once we reached the dining room. My mother turned around with a smile, but it disappeared as soon as she saw me. As quickly as it left, another smile appeared on her face, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Her body language was cold and rigid, just like the tension that was filling the air.
Immediately, I felt the urge to turn around and walk out the house, but I was frozen in place. “What a pleasant surprise!” she sang, as she dried off her hands and walked toward me. Her hands were extended in my direction, but nothing about her demeanor was welcome. When she wrapped her arms around me, I felt nothing. No love, no compassion. Just flesh and bone.
The church hug she gave lasted all of two seconds. My mother pulled back from me and walked back over to the sink without acknowledging ZaZa. I cleared my throat and looked at Azalia, who didn’t seem to notice. She was in her own zone bouncing ZaZa on her hip.
“You need help with anything?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood in the room.
“No, everything is just about done. I’ll call you when the food is ready,” she answered with her back to me.
My daddy shook his head, but refused to look at me. Growing up, I used to think my father was one of the strongest, bravest men in the world, but he looked so weak to me now. It was clear that he didn’t agree with his wife’s actions, but he didn’t speak up, like always.
