Let It Go: Benny's Story, page 9
part #1 of Let Go Series
“How old was Benny then?”
“In his twenties.”
“Do you remember being in your twenties?”
“Yes,” Sophie responded.
“And how often did you think about the consequences of your actions toward others? I mean, you lived through something big, so you were probably more in tune with ramifications than others were, but even little things like flirting with some guy you weren’t going to hook up with – did you worry about sending him the wrong signals? I’ll bet no. And like I said, you were probably a special case, but think of all the other people your age then. Did they have any cares in the world?”
“But this was different,” Sophie cried.
“I don’t really see how this is different, except that maybe the outcome was horrific, but most terrible results aren’t expected. Let’s say for argument’s sake that this situation is different and Benny is wholeheartedly to blame. Do you honestly think that Benny wanted Ethan to die? That he wanted to lose his brother and everything he held dear? Do you think it didn’t affect him? That he wasn’t in pain? Maybe he grieved differently than you, but he’s allowed to grieve however he sees fit. All I know is that I hated my sister when she killed herself, and yet, there was still a part of me that was upset she was gone. If I felt that way over her, imagine what
Benny felt over Ethan.”
“You’re not allowed to make sense right now,” Sophie told Kat between tears. Kat hadn’t said anything that Sophie hadn’t already secretly thought about before; she just could never admit it out loud. Having Kat force her to speak about it made it real, made all the feelings she had on the subject mean something more than just anguish.
“I just want you to be happy, Sophie, and clearly, this is eating away at you. I don’t know if it’s the pain being fresh or your conflicting feelings about Benny, but I do know that he’s miserable, too. I don’t expect you to work things out overnight…I know, I know.” Kat put her hands up in defense, “I thought it might work that way before, but I was wrong. All I’m saying is that the first step to healing is forgiving. You can’t do that on your own and neither can Benny. Be there for each other, help each other. No one understands this grief better than you two.”
“Why do you care?” Sophie asked, part of her knowing Kat genuinely wanted Sophie to bury the past, but a stronger part of her figured that it was for Benny’s sake.
“Because I don’t like seeing you like this.”
“It has nothing to do with Benny?”
“I love Benny like a brother. I want to see him happy so badly that it hurts, and this is affecting him just as strongly as it’s affecting you. Of course, I want it all to work out, and I really think you both can benefit from mourning together, but that has nothing to do with why I want to see you smile.”
“Why does it matter if I figure this out with Benny or without him?”
“Because I think the reason this is still affecting you so strong is because you never got proper closure. You needed something from Benny back then, some comfort, some explanation maybe, that you never got. If you guys can work things out, then maybe you can move past this.”
“I…I just…I don’t think that I can. The last time I saw him…I was horrible to him.”
“He’s in a bad place right now himself. He’ll understand, I promise.”
“I’ll try,” Sophie told Kat but wasn’t actually sure whether she meant it or not.
“That’s all I can ask for. The rest is up to you.”
“You’re really good at all this…” Sophie gestured her hands between them, trying to find the right words, but her mind had turned to mush “…this deep talking stuff.”
“It’s what I do, what I went to school for, to get people to open up and give me answers they don’t want to. Sometimes, I have to do all the talking, but if I can see a person’s mind opening like a door, then I know it is working.”
“And did my mind open like a door?”
“It was already open; you just needed to walk through.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“I’ll help.”
“Thanks, Kat. Thanks for being there for me.”
“Always, Sophie.”
Chapter 15
Sophie had promised Kat that she’d try to figure things out with Benny, but what exactly that entailed, she didn’t know. So far, it had been a few days, and she was stuck. She didn’t even know how to get into touch with him. Should she call? Should she text him? Show up at his door waving a white flag? And then what? They’d talk and everything would magically be okay? It wasn’t as simple as Kat had tried to make it seem.
Sophie bordered on the verge of just giving up and going back to her routine, plastering on a smile and forgetting about everything but the present. Faking it until making it. But that was what she had been doing all those years, and although it seemed to work quite well on the surface, the minute her perfectly constructed façade had a rock thrown at it, it shattered. It didn’t just crack a little before it slowly spread through the building and came crumbling down. No, her internal wall came down faster than the Berlin Wall, and it destroyed her, as was proof by her state during the previous month.
The knock at her door surprised her. Kat had found Sophie’s spare key the first time she had come over and had stopped bothering to knock. She hadn’t spoken to any of her friends in a while, and when she did, she pretended to be fine, so none of them would know what was going on with her. Her parents had moved during Kat’s medical school because of her father’s work. They were pretty close, but only saw each other for the holidays.
“What the…” she trailed off as she looked through the peephole. The last person she expected to see was standing outside her door. It’s like the universe had heard her struggles and decided to throw her for a loop just because it could. Stupid universe.
She opened the door cautiously. “Benny, what are you doing here?”
“I know that I’m the last person you want to see, and I fully expect you to say no right now, but I need you to come with me.”
“I…what? No.” They had plenty of things to talk about, but she wasn’t going anywhere with him until they talked.
“Please Sophie, it’s important.”
“Where are we going? And why didn’t you call to warn me that you were coming?” She was in defense mode.
“I didn’t call because I didn’t want to give you time to leave. I’m not above admitting that I was hoping to catch you off guard, which I fully expected would have you coming with me easily.” She saw a ghost of a smile on Benny’s face and then it was gone. He was really beautiful when he did smile. She hadn’t seen enough of that lately. Come to think of it, she hadn’t seen a lot of that when they were growing up, either, but when he did smile, it lit up the entire room. Even head over heels for Ethan, when Benny smiled, she looked, and drooled, and then looked some more.
“Don’t you think that we should at least talk things through first before we go anywhere?”
“We can, and we will talk when we get there. I know that I have no right to ask, and you have no reason to, but I’m asking you to trust me Sophie.” She hesitated and he continued. “You’ve known me through the good and the bad, you’ve known me since we were kids; I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, some worse than others, but deep down, you know that I’m the guy you used to be able to talk to, and that, Sophie, took trust. Please, if for nothing else but for the sake of those two kids that we were, please trust me again.” He held out his hand to her. She studied his face, really studied it. The shadows under his eyes were so prominent that it looked like he had two black eyes, his cheeks were hallowing out, and as massive as his body still was, she could see that he had lost weight. He had suffered the past month. Kat had said it, but it took seeing him to truly believe it. Kat had been right. He was just as affected by Ethan’s loss, by her child’s loss as she was.
She put her hand in his, and just like that, she stepped through that door. Whether she kept walking or turned back around was yet to be seen.
*****
After leading her to his car, they drove in silence. It wasn’t awkward, but it was far from comfortable. So many times, Sophie opened her mouth to say something, ask where they were going, but just as quickly, she’d close her mouth, the words not forming on her lips. She recognized the direction they were going but refused to believe Benny would take her there. It was only when they drove through the cemetery gates that she was forced to face the facts.
“What are we doing here?” She spoke as she started to unbuckle her seatbelt, the panic in her voice apparent
“Sophie, please, I asked you to trust me, and you did. So please…” he trailed off as he looked at her. The way his eyes pleaded with her had her reluctantly nodding.
“I don’t know why you think visiting Ethan’s grave is going to help, or how talking here is the best thing.”
“You’ll see.” She could only nod again. He got out of the car and she followed close behind until they made it to Ethan’s grave. She gasped, covered her mouth, and then bowed over because wracking sobs had overtaken her.
Ethan’s tombstone stood as it always had:
Ethan Michael Negrete
An Angel Taken Too Soon
Beloved Son and Brother
Every time Sophie visited Ethan, every time she looked at that, she broke. It was a natural reaction to miss him, to mourn for him at his gravesite, but it also hurt that it hadn’t said he was a beloved father as well.
What had her bawling uncontrollably now was the new stone right beside Ethan’s.
Baby Negrete
Your Father’s Wings Surround You
As You Ascend to an Angel’s Throne
It took her a while to realize that strong arms had wrapped themselves around her waist to keep her from falling to her knees.
“What…what did you do?” Sophie asked through her wet lashes, looking up at Benny as she calmed just enough to speak.
“Closure, Sophie. For both of us, but mainly for you.”
“I…I don’t understand,” she said as she pressed a hand to the new tombstone, Benny’s arms still circling her. His eyes were red and splotchy and his cheeks were wet from silent tears, and yet, he held her up, was the support that she needed even if it was obvious he needed comfort, too. She felt safe; she knew he wouldn’t let her fall. And God help her, but she didn’t feel guilty, even as she stood by Ethan’s final resting place.
“You had to say goodbye to Ethan, only to get a glimmer of hope that he still lived, but that was shattered when you lost the baby. You lost Ethan all over again, but you never got to say goodbye a second time. This is for you,” he spoke softly.
“And what about you?” Sophie asked genuinely.
“Living each day, Sophie, I figured that was my punishment for Ethan’s death. Sometimes living is worse than dying. But when you told me about the baby, I truly didn’t understand why I was still alive. It should have been me,” he choked. “It should have been me,” he repeated as he paused to catch his breath. Sophie didn’t dare move. “The guilt weighs me down. I figured that was just more punishment, and yet it wasn’t enough because now you had suffered, too. You have to understand, Sophie, that when I lost Ethan, I lost myself. But when I found out that I lost the chance to be an uncle, too, there was nothing left of me to lose. I just wallowed, a shell of myself. I tried to drown my sorrows at the bottom of a bottle, but it was Mason who pointed out that I still had purpose; I still had reasons to live. I love Ethan more than my life, and God knows that I’d have given my life for his ten times over. I am to blame for his death, but I can’t do anything about that. But I can be there for the rest of my family. And I have family, Sophie – Mason, Kat, their kids, even John, Chain, and Marco are my family. And you, too,” he added tentatively. “Mason wisely informed me that sometimes family isn’t blood, they’re chosen. So this is me saying goodbye to the asshole I was back then, the selfish bastard who didn’t care about anyone but himself, and the person who caused his brother’s death and so much more. This is goodbye to my guilt so that I can be there for the people who need me now. And you, Sophie, are one of them. Push me, pull me, yell at me, hit me, curse at me, tell me to go away – whatever you want, but I’m here for you. I’m here to tell you that I care about Ethan, I care about the niece or nephew I never got to meet…I care about you.”
He hadn’t bothered to wipe the tears trailing down his cheeks. He didn’t hide his pain from Sophie. He just held her, letting her lean on him the way that she wished he would have back then. Strong even in the face of anguish, soothing when he needed consoling himself. This was the Benny she had known so long ago – this was the Benny who she wished Ethan could look up to, this was the Benny her heart broke for, and this was the Benny her soul cried for.
She turned in his arms and lifted her own to embrace him. His body went rigid for a moment before he buried his head in her hair and she felt him tremble as he cried. Just like that, she physically felt her anger dissipate. Years of suppressed rage, pent-up anger, even an abundance of sorrow was washed away with minutes of tenderness. The heart was a funny thing; it wiped out years of bad with a moment of good, it fought the mind to overpower logic, and if it wanted something bad enough, it omitted reason instantly, and Sophie’s heart…it wanted to love.
“Thank you,” she whispered. Thank you for showing me your true self, thank you for opening up to me, thank you for being here for me now – it was never too late, thank you for holding me up when I thought I might fall, and thank you for showing me you care. They had things to talk about, but for now, this was enough.
Chapter 16
Benny and Sophie spent another half an hour at the cemetery. They took that time to speak silently with Ethan, Sophie’s lost child, and even themselves. They stood side by side, somewhat leaning against each other, but neither spoke aloud. Sophie wasn’t sure what Benny had on his mind, but she took the time to tell Ethan everything she felt, even some of the things she only admitted to herself but never spoke to him about, and then she forgave him. She told him that she resented feeling like she was Ethan’s second choice, but realized with time that it was never about that. She told him that she was angry that he left her, especially since she felt it was somewhat his fault, but she got that it wasn’t by choice. She told him that had she not lost the baby, she would have loved it with all her heart and told him or her all about how wonderful their father was. She finally told him that she didn’t blame him. And she told herself that there would always be a place that was meant for Ethan, but it wouldn’t hold her back anymore. She hadn’t been in a serious relationship thus far for a reason, and that reason was Ethan. She couldn’t keep living in the past any longer. She’d never forget him, forget what could have been, but she couldn’t live with the “what ifs” any longer. She deserved to get on with her life, and although she knew it wouldn’t be easy, she’d finally be able to do that.
She took a moment to whisper words of love to a baby that never was and asked Ethan to take care of their child. She wasn’t sure if she believed in an afterlife, or whether Ethan could see her or hear her, but it gave her comfort to think he could, at least in this spot.
She wiped the wetness of her cheeks, pressed a kiss to her lips, and then pressed it to the baby’s stone, repeating the same with Ethan. She turned to see Benny watching her, his eyes full of sorrow, tenderness, regret, even longing. What for, Sophie wasn’t sure, but there was also hope. And for the first time, she knew that she felt it, too. Hope for letting go, hope for moving on.
This time, she held out her hand to him. “I think we’ve said enough here.”
Benny nodded and put his hand in hers. Sophie couldn’t help how it made her feel. His hand enveloped hers, holding tight, his fingers linking with hers, the heat from his palm searing her. It was protective. That was Benny. He had always been reckless with his own life, but he’d never put those he loved in any purposeful danger. How she could have ever blamed him for Ethan, knowing Benny would die before he’d let those he loved be harmed was beyond her. Grief did stranger things to the mind than love did to the heart.
Benny drove Sophie home, and then followed her inside in silent understanding. They sat down on opposite couches but neither said a word. Sophie knew she had to say something. Benny had shared a lot at the cemetery. He had even shared more with his actions, and Sophie had stayed relatively quiet. She just didn’t know how to get the million thoughts in her head to form coherent sentences. Her job required her to work with various people on a daily basis. She gave good news, bad news, and all sorts of information with ease, but she couldn’t say one word with Benny in front of her. She had never been tongue-tied around him. Even when she looked up to him, an older otherworldly figure, she could speak with him for hours. But not now.
“Sophie, I’m so sorry,” Benny started, and it was just what she needed for her mouth to start working.
“No, Benny, I’m sorry. It’s just…I don’t know where to begin,” she mumbled to herself. Benny nodded as if he understood. She bet he did. “Ethan was my world, and I watched him struggle to be like you. He was pulling away from me, and neither of us realized it. I resented him…no, I resented you for that.” She took a breath and closed her eyes to keep from crying any more. She had had enough. “And then he was suddenly gone, and with that, my world was gone, too. I was shattered. I was falling apart, and I didn’t know how to keep from drowning. I needed someone to help keep me afloat. I hadn’t known that at the time, and I didn’t realize until recently that I needed you to comfort me. You see, Benny, I looked up to you, too. If you could stay strong, I was hoping a little bit of that strength would rub off on me, too. I know you were mourning, too, and it was selfish of me to expect you to put your grief aside for mine, but like I said, I didn’t even realize that I needed you then. Instead, my resentment turned to hate. It didn’t help that I thought you had pushed Ethan to join you in your extracurricular activities.” She hated saying “gang.” “But it wasn’t just that. I hated you for so many reasons that were out of your control. I hated you because Ethan wanted to be like you, I hated you because he wanted your approval, I hated you because you weren’t there for me, I hated you simply because I couldn’t hate Ethan. You became the source of all that anger, and it helped keep me grounded for a while, especially after I lost my baby, my last shred of Ethan. All the pain I felt, I projected it onto you, and it made my life a little easier. You didn’t deserve that. All of Ethan’s actions were his own. I’d like to say that I came to that conclusion a long time ago, but Kat helped knock some sense into me. I’m sorry, Benny. I really am.”
