Let It Go: Benny's Story, page 6
part #1 of Let Go Series
“Maybe tomorrow.” He wrinkled his nose and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh.
All Benny knew was that when Kat was still being held captive by Mason, she had surprised him with a birthday he’d never forget, and ever since, Mason loved his birthday. It didn’t take much for Benny to figure out that whatever it was hadn’t involved clothes.
He watched them make their way inside after Mason thanked him. He turned to Sophie and asked her for her address. She reluctantly gave it to him, and he looked it up.
“Did you have fun tonight?” he asked, trying to make the drive a little less awkward.
“Yep,” she popped the “p.”
“Kat’s great. Glad you guys are friends.”
“I like her,” she stated, no emotion present in her voice.
“She takes care of her own, and it looks like she’s taken you under her wing, so you’re golden.” Benny meant every word he said, even if Sophie didn’t care.
The drive to Sophie’s wasn’t that long. She lived close to Mason and Kat, but it felt like it took hours.
“Thanks for picking us up,” Sophie spoke as they reached her place.
“Any time.”
She started to get out of the car but wobbled on her legs. “Here, let me help,” Benny started after her, but she pushed him away.
“I don’t need your help.”
“I know, but I’m giving it to you anyway.”
“I don’t want it.” She slapped his hands away.
“You just thanked me for picking you and Kat up.” He pointed out the hypocrisy behind her words as he followed her to her door, holding his hands just a breath away from her body in case she stumbled.
“That was different. That was for Kat,” she sneered as she struggled to open her door.
“Yeah, well, it looks like you need me again.” He pointed at the key, his words carrying more meaning than she would know.
“I don’t want your help!” she screamed. She probably hadn’t wanted it years before, either, but that hadn’t stopped him, whether she knew it or not.
“Shhh, keep it down,” he spoke as he grabbed the key from her hand and opened the door. “Fine, you don’t need my help, you don’t want my help. Just pretend I’m not even here.”
“I can’t pretend you’re not here because it’s all your fault!” she screamed.
“What in the hell are you talking about?” he asked, completely confused.
“You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. I don’t know what the deal is with you and Mason’s family or your friends, but I know you’re good to them because there is some hidden agenda there.”
“I love them!” he retorted.
“You loved Ethan, too, right?” she asked, her voice broken.
“I still do,” he answered without hesitation. He was panting even though he had no reason to be breathing so heavily.
“You killed him,” she whispered so low Benny wasn’t even sure that he had heard her at first.
Benny walked closer to her. But when her head snapped back up, she backed up away from him, her body stopping when she hit the couch behind her.
“Stay away from me!” she screamed.
He reached out to her, wanting to hold her, comfort her, something, like he hadn’t allowed himself to do all those years ago. He didn’t deserve to touch her, but he needed it himself. She had gotten one thing right – sometimes, his love for his friends felt like the only thing keeping him on this side of the world. He would have given up a long time ago. So yes, it was selfish. But it was also real. He’d gladly give up that hold to this world if it meant happiness for any of the people that he cared about.
“Don’t touch me,” she yelled.
He couldn’t help it. She reminded him so much of the little girl she was – the one he watched with a fascination that he didn’t quite understand at the time. He reached out toward her, but she batted his hands away. He dropped them and stood staring at her, watching the silent tears trailing down her cheeks, leaving black marks from her mascara.
“You killed him.” She spoke softly, her voice shaking, but the anger in her tone was loud and clear. “You killed him. You killed my baby. You took everything away from me. You think you’re a changed man, Benjamin? You think because you have people who care about you now and look up to you that it makes what you did before okay? It doesn’t. Ethan cared about you. He looked up to you and you threw him to the wolves. It makes me wonder just how long before it's Mason’s turn. Then who? Katy? Benji? How long before anyone else you love dies? Am I in the line of fire now that I’m back in your life, whether I want to be or not? Are you going to not only take my baby from me, but my life, too?”
Benny was stunned silent. He had known Sophie didn’t care for him, but he had assumed it was because of the painful memories he evoked. He never once thought that she blamed him for Ethan’s death. He should have known, though. He should have known that she’d know all the ins and outs of his relationship with Ethan, and she’d know the truth – that he really was responsible. It was truly his fault.
He wanted to say something, to retort, to tell her that she was wrong – but she wasn’t. Benny always had some smart comment, something to say to twist the situation, but not now. For the first time in years, he was mute.
He didn’t know how long he stood in that same position, but he felt the wetness on his own cheeks just as Sophie broke the silence with her whispered words. “Get out.”
He looked at her and tried to process her words. “Get out,” she repeated louder. He nodded but couldn’t move his body. She shoved him, hard. “Get out!” she screamed. “Get the hell out of my house, you murderer! I want you gone, now!”
He was well and truly a murderer, but that was the first time anyone had said it just like that. The words stung, the truth behind them digging a knife straight through his heart. What could he say? There were no words. She was right.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, although he knew it wasn’t nearly enough. He turned and ran out just as he heard something crash.
It took two bottles of whiskey before he passed out that night, and even then, the dreams haunted him. Ethan and Sophie haunted him.
Chapter 10
Benny practically jumped out of bed when he heard a loud screeching noise. It took him a moment to realize that it was his phone ringing. With the way his head was pounding and his whole body felt like clay that had been molded one too many times, he was tempted to throw it across the room and watch it shatter. He only refrained because he saw that it was Kat calling.
“Kitty Kat, I love you, but you better have a good reason for calling,” he groaned, his mouth feeling like he swallowed an entire bag of cotton.
“I would have probably felt like you sound, but Mase took care of me this morning,” she chuckled.
“I don’t need to know that,” he laughed at his own joke and then instantly regretted it when he winced from the pain. He had heard Kat’s giggle through the phone before they were both silent for a few moments. “Everything okay?” Benny asked, getting a bit concerned.
“I don’t know, Benny. You tell me.”
“Well, I could use a hangover cure right about now. Will probably take some meds in a sec, but other than that, yeah, I guess I’m fine.”
“Don’t bullshit me,” she stated flatly. “You never let me lie to myself; guess it’s time I repay the favor.”
“What are you talking about?” Benny asked, only slightly confused.
“You forget that one, I know you, two, I care about you and want you to be happy, and three, I had drinks with Sophie last night.”
“And?” he asked, fishing for information.
“And you need to talk to her, Benny. You need to fix things between you and her.”
“She doesn’t want to talk to me,” he stated, his voice dropping low as the emotions from the night before flooded him.
“It doesn’t matter what she wants. Given that I don’t remember everything about last night, but I do remember that she said some things that didn’t sound like you. She needs to talk to you, and you need to talk to her.”
“You weren’t there last night when I dropped her off, Kat. She hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you; she just has a hard time dealing with her past.”
“You mean dealing with me.” It wasn’t a question.
“No, dealing with the past. I have a feeling that you two have different versions of it, and you need to get your stories straight.”
“How much do you know?” He lowered his voice.
“I know enough, and until a few minutes ago, I thought maybe the reason I didn’t know about any of this from you was because you had dealt with it and moved on. But, now, I know that you need to deal with your past, too.”
“I killed my brother,” he whispered it, like he was telling Kat a secret.
“Oh Benny, you didn’t kill him. I’m so sorry for your brother, and I’m even sorrier for you. I’m here for you; you know that. Aside from the fact that you were there for me when I needed a friend the most and I owe you so much, I want to help you. Tell me what I can do to help you cope with all this.”
“You know all that social work stuff doesn’t work on me,” Benny replied, trying to lighten the mood.
“It’s not social work, and it does work,” she huffed. Benny laughed. “Hey! I know what you’re trying to do. No distracting me.”
“How do you manage to keep your kids in order?” he chuckled.
“I’ve had a lot of practice between you and Mason,” she added dryly. “Seriously, though, Benny, you need to talk to someone about this. I’m all ears, and I’ll do my best to get you to see yourself the way that I see you, but I feel like the best medicine for both you and Sophie is to deal with this together. You share some of the same pain, the same resentment. If you can talk things through, you can both get closure. Don’t you think that your brother would want that for the two people he loved the most?”
“Low blow, Kitty Kat,” Benny sighed. “I can’t. You didn’t see the look in Sophie’s eyes last night. And she’s right, you know?”
“She’s not. You’re not. And you didn’t see the look in her eyes when she told me the story. And on that note, every story has two sides. And I think hers might be a little skewed. Since I only heard hers, you feel like telling me yours?”
“Not today.”
“Fine, fair enough. But go talk to Sophie, make her understand.”
“What is there to understand? She’s got all the facts right.”
“I’m pretty sure she doesn’t; there are things she probably doesn’t know. And there are things you should know about as well.”
“Like what?”
“Not my story to tell, Benny. But go talk to her. Go try to make things right between you two.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“I’m not getting off the phone until you agree.”
“You know that I’d never hang up on you, but I’m not above putting the phone down and going about my life, especially right now. Come on, Kat, my head is killing me and I can’t do this right now.”
“I’m not giving up.”
“Fine, but drop it for now, yeah?”
“Yeah, all right. Go take some aspirin and feel better.”
“Thanks.”
They hung up and Benny shuffled out of bed to get himself some food, water, and pills. It had taken another hour before he felt a little more like himself. It was only then that he allowed Kat’s words to sink in. He did have the urge to talk to Sophie, to get her to listen to him, but he wasn’t sure what he would say. I’m sorry I killed my brother and hurt us both in the process?
There was no way he could talk to her, no matter what Kat said.
Chapter 11
Sophie should have known drinking those stupid fruity drinks would be a bad idea. With shots, she knew just how many she could drink before she started to have loose lips, but with the interesting concoctions that Kat had convinced her to drink, she couldn’t taste the alcohol. Before she knew what she was doing, she was spilling her whole life’s story to Kat, who was probably even drunker than Sophie. When Sophie woke up with a splitting headache and flashes of a heated argument with Benny, she had high hopes that Kat wouldn’t remember much. That notion was quickly dashed the following day.
“Look, Sophie, I didn’t know Benny at that time in his life, but I know him now and he was my rock during some pretty bad times in my life,” Kat started in on Sophie when she called to “check on her” the next day. Sophie wasn’t even sure how talking of never drinking again turned into a conversation about Benny.
“I know you mean well, Kat, but I’m asking you to drop this subject. I’ve never told anyone about what happened, and no offense, but I’d like to pretend that I didn’t tell you either.”
“That’s not healthy. You need to talk to someone. And who better than the only other person you know who’s been suffering the same way?”
“What?” Sophie screeched.
“I think you should give Benny a chance to tell his side of the story.”
“I don’t need his side. I was there, living it every damn day.”
“Okay, okay,” she could hear Kat backtracking, “it’s just that…well, maybe you misunderstood things between him and Ethan. Benny would never encourage him to join a gang or help him or whatever else you thought you heard; he would never lead the people he loves astray.”
“I know what I heard,” Sophie argued.
“And maybe you heard wrong. Look, all I’m saying is that fine, sure, maybe Benny wasn’t who he was then, but you’ve seen him now. He’s kind and caring, and most importantly, he always puts others’ needs above his own. He couldn’t have been all that much different from who he is now.”
“He didn’t use to.”
“Okay, fine,” Kat conceded, “I didn’t know him then, so maybe he didn’t, but you can’t believe that people won’t ever change?”
“It doesn’t change the past, even if he’s not the same guy he used to be.”
“Maybe it does, maybe it’s not supposed to. Maybe you’re supposed to grow and evolve with it. All I know is that as happy and carefree as Benny may seem to the world, there is a lingering sadness. There has always been that pain just under the surface. He’s not the kind of guy you push for answers, but now I get what it’s all about. If he was a monster then, he wouldn’t feel that way.”
“He’s a thug!” Sophie cried out, trying to find something to retort with, not liking how Kat’s conversation was making her feel.
“Ex-thug,” Kat pointed out.
“Once a thug, always a thug.”
“I suppose you’re going to say once a convict always a convict, too?” Sophie knew she was referring to Mason. He had been upfront about what happened to him, and that was actually what had drawn Sophie to his office rather than the other two she had interviewed at.
“He was never supposed to be a convict,” Sophie stated. “Benny was always a thug.”
“Well, now you’re just insulting me. He is the godfather of my children, after all. You think I’d let someone who I don’t trust with my life have that kind of responsibility.”
“Kat, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just…after everything that I told you, how can you possibly think that I even want to think about Benny, let alone talk to him?”
“I’m not going to pretend that I know all the details, but if I know Benny, then it wasn’t his fault.”
“It was,” Sophie stated dryly.
“Then I’m at fault for putting Mason in jail.”
“Huh?”
“I know Mason told you all about his stint in prison, but what exactly do you know?”
“That he was falsely accused of rape and spent time in prison until evidence came to light afterward that cleared his name and overturned his conviction.”
“Right, well, that’s all true, but what you don’t know is that it was my twin sister who accused him.”
Sophie gasped loudly. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s not really something that we go around telling people, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t air out our dirty laundry, but I was in foster care all my life. I didn’t know that I had a twin. She had been the one to accuse Mason, and without going into all the details, it was because of that situation that Mason and I met.”
“But…I don’t…where is your sister now?”
“She passed away,” Kat said, her voice shaking a bit.
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too, but the point is that she accused Mason, not me.”
“Okay…” Sophie drew out the word.
“But maybe things would have turned out differently if I had taken more interest in the family that I came from. I could have researched, maybe even found her, and then she would have turned out differently and presto, no false accusation.”
“How does that relate to Benny?”
“In a few ways, actually. Do you honestly believe that if Benny knew what the outcome of his actions would be that he would have stayed on that path? Because let me tell you, if I had known that I had a sister out there who was spiraling downward, I would have found her. Next, as much as I hate admitting this…but if my sister hadn’t done what she did, I wouldn’t have met Mason. And if you were to ask him, he’d agree, but please don’t ask him. I really don’t want him thinking about that time again. And lastly, do you know who helped Mason deal with everything he went through in prison and then after? Who stood by him when plenty of other people didn’t? Who looked after me when I needed someone’s shoulder? Who made sure I was okay when no one else cared? Who is solely responsible for helping Mason and I get our heads out of our asses to find happiness together? I could go on, Sophie, but I’m sure you see where I’m going with this. Through everything we went through, we leaned on Benny. Why? What was his incentive? Love, Sophie. That was his motivation. He loves us, and when he loves someone, he takes care of them. Sometimes things happen outside of our control, things we wish we could go back and fix, but that doesn’t change how strongly we love the people who matter the most to us. And when things go sour, we die a little inside, especially if we feel responsible. Trust me; I’ve lived through that. Believe me when I say that Benny isn’t the monster you think he is.”
