Let It Go: Benny's Story, page 4
part #1 of Let Go Series
When he felt the needle pierce his skin, he was sent into his hiding place, the crevices deep in his mind where pain equaled contentment. The sting of the needle didn’t bother him anymore, not after so many tattoos, but he still remembered the idea of the pain, and that was enough to send him into himself. When he closed in on himself, he was transported to a series of flash memories, ones that involved the suffering he endured, the ache he caused for his family and loved ones, the heartache he deserved to suffer over and over. He was also treated to a series of scenes where Ethan was still alive and healthy, happy even, with a family and young children clambering into his lap and calling for “Daddy.” The faces were always a blur in these snapshots, but this time, the face of his wife was Sophie. He could feel the tears building behind his eyes, but he held them back until Sophie told him that he was done. He watched her walk away from him and before he could truly think about the meaning, the weight of his words, he whispered, “I’m sorry.”
She rushed out, unshed tears apparent in her eyes. She probably thought that he was apologizing for the memories he was causing to resurface, but it was more than that. He was sorry for the life she could have led with Ethan by her side, for the absolutely gorgeous kids they would have had, and for the white picket fence and house she deserved, but probably didn’t have as a single, hardworking doctor. He was sorry for his role in all that, although she probably didn’t realize it. He walked out solemnly after making a follow-up appointment with Mason.
*****
Benny had gotten Mason to remove his stitches at home. Mason had argued with him, but Benny didn’t want to go back to his office on the off chance that he’d see Sophie again. Something about the way she ran away from him when he apologized had him wanting to protect her from any more pain that seeing him would undoubtedly cause. Poor girl had suffered enough. And she probably didn’t even know it was all his fault. If she had, she would have spat in his face, much like his family metaphorically did. He deserved it, though.
It was another week before Benny convinced Kat and Mason that they needed a weekend away and he could watch the kids.
“Benny, you know I love you, and I trust you completely, but three days? That’s too much,” Kat had whined. She never whined. That was how Benny knew she was in desperate need of some childfree time.
“I’d take them for a week, and you know it. Besides, if they become a handful, you know I’ll just call John and Chain to come by,” he smirked. Those two guys were probably just as in love with Katy and Benji as he was. He always caught Kat’s smug smile when John cooed at the kids, not caring what anyone thought. It was actually pretty funny watching a guy that was as big as a bodybuilder holding a couple of babies like they were precious cargo and talking in gibberish with a giant grin on his face.
“You’re the best, Benny. I hope you know that. One day, I’ll repay this favor when you have your own family and a couple of mini kickass Bennys running around.”
“Kickass?” he mused, a smile on his face.
“Oh, definitely kickass. And don’t forget that secret heart of gold only a select few get to see.” She grinned.
“Only with you, Kitty Kat.”
“Oh please, don’t bullshit me, Benny. You do things on the sly not to tarnish that ‘tough guy’ exterior,” she said with air quotes. “But I know you.” She pointed her finger at his chest like an accusation. “You’re a good guy. And good guys do not finish last. Exhibit A,” she laughed as she pointed at Mason, struggling with the baby gear.
“Looks like he’s finishing last now,” Benny laughed as Mason cursed after dropping a bag full of diapers.
“Oh, stop it, you,” she chuckled and slapped at his arm playfully.
“Ow,” Benny howled.
“Oh shit! Sorry, Benny, I forgot. Does it still hurt?”
“Easy Kat, I’m joking,” Benny snorted.
“I can slap your arm again,” she threatened, a grin stretching across her lips.
“I could take you,” he teased.
“But you wouldn’t. You’d let me win and you know it.”
“True.” He nodded.
“Okay, fine, issue at hand,” she started as she handed him a list of numbers and explained each one. “We’re an hour away, so call us and we’ll be here right away if you need us, but just in case, here’s Sophie’s cell. She lives about twenty minutes away. Don’t bug her unless you absolutely have to, but if you have to, bug the hell out of her. If she gives you shit, tell her that I said I don’t care. Those are my babies and if they need someone ASAP, they’ll get someone ASAP,” she added, steel in her voice replacing the previous lightheart tone.
“You got it.” He nodded. Twenty minutes later, the kids were all settled in, and Mason and Kat were off.
*****
The first day and night, everything was fine. A little hectic, but fine overall. John and Chain had come over and they took turns entertaining the little munchkins as they cried for their mommy. Benny had watched them several times before, but never for so long, so he thought it was only natural to want Mom or Dad.
Half the next day was fine, too, but sometime after lunch, he realized Benji was silent, which would have been a good thing, considering the headache Benny was starting to get, but he was too quiet. He looked at him, and he looked tired. That could have been normal since he had slept in a new environment and had stayed up most of the night talking to Katy, but Katy was still talking to herself, clearly amused with her one-sided conversation about who-knows-what. He touched Benji’s forehead, and the little guy was burning up.
He reached the phone and his first instinct was to call 911, then it was to call Kat and then Mason, which was funny, considering Mason was the doctor, but as his fingers twitched over the buttons, his thoughts became more logical. Mason and Kat deserved the time off. Benji would most likely have some cold or flu. There would be nothing either could do, even if they did rush home. He looked at the list of numbers Kat had left. He really didn’t want to do it, but he knew he had to. He had to call her. Try as he might to find a reason not to, he knew it was the right thing to do.
“Hello, this is Sophie Basi,” she answered after a few rings. He couldn’t help but smile at how professionally she answered her phone, her personal phone.
“Sophie, hi, uh,” he stumbled. What was it about her that made him turn into a bumbling fool?
“Benny?” she asked incredulously.
“Listen, I hate to bother you, but Benji-”
“Where are you?” she cut him off, her voice sounding urgent.
“I, uh, what?”
“Something’s wrong with Benji. I got that much. You wouldn’t call if that weren’t the case. Kat and Mason are out of town, and you’re watching them. Tell me where you are, and I’ll be there soon.”
She was so diplomatic and take-charge. Benny would be lying if that didn’t stir something down south in him. He wondered briefly whether she’d take charge in the bedroom or if she’d let her guard down and let him lead. He shook those thoughts away, telling himself how inappropriate that was, especially with his worries about Benji.
He gave her his address and hung up, waiting patiently, or rather impatiently, for Sophie to show up. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing, but he had no choice now.
Chapter 7
Sophie made the twenty-minute trip to Benny’s place in fifteen minutes. She could have shaved off a few more minutes had she not gotten stuck behind a truck. She had been so focused on getting to Benny’s place that she hadn’t fully thought about the ramifications of seeing him again. He had rattled her with his apology, but she was able to push it to the back of her mind. Well, after a good crying session at home alone, she pushed it all back. Now, as he opened the door she had just pounded on, a sweet little boy in his arms and his brows creased with worry, Sophie had to hold back tears once again.
The scene was so agonizingly beautiful and painful at the same time. Sophie reluctantly remembered a time when Benny was sweet and caring, but that wasn’t the same man who stood before her. And yet she had been trying harder and harder to separate the two Bennys she knew – the one who would have never sentenced Ethan to death and the one who did.
Benny looked at her, his liquid brown eyes so vulnerable. She had never seen him like that, ever. At the funeral, she had been too absorbed in her own grief and pain to really notice Benny, but she couldn’t bring herself to believe that he hadn’t been the cold, calculated, selfish monster at the time. That he had been vulnerable then, too, like she had been and as his family had been. Her heart ached for the fact that Benny hadn’t been this scared for Ethan, for if he had been, he would have never encouraged Ethan to follow his same path. Her heart also broke for the child, the children she and Ethan would never have. That hardened her a bit instantly.
“Temperature?” she asked as she pushed her way in, not waiting for an invitation.
“One-oh-two last time I checked,” he answered automatically.
“Katy?” she asked, her tone a bit harsher than she expected.
“She’s fine. Finally got her to take a nap, but this little guy won’t sleep. And he doesn’t make a peep either.” Benny looked down at Benji, the concern clearly written across his feature as he stroked him with his hand. Sophie’s defenses fell slightly at the sight before her. Whoever Benny was, or rather, whomever Sophie knew him as, he wasn’t that guy around these kids, around these people she had just recently started to get to know and really like.
“How about we check him out, huh?” she asked, her tone a little softer. She took him from Benny and when their hands brushed lightly, she felt the warmth of Benny’s skin against hers and it sent a shiver through her body. She hated Benny, sure, but she was also a woman who hadn’t had personal interaction with another human being in a while.
She examined Benji while Benny watched, hovering over her like a mother duck. She heard the telltale signs of his mouth opening and closing on several occasions, like he wanted to say or ask something but had stopped himself.
“His fever’s down. One hundred, which isn’t an abnormal temperature for babies. They tend to be a little warmer. He’s got a bug, nothing too serious. You’ve been giving him children’s Tylenol?” she asked. “Good,” she responded when he nodded. “Keep doing that, watch him. Don’t let him play too closely with Katy. We don’t want her catching it. But overall, he’s fine.”
“Thanks, Sophie,” Benny responded, the sincerity in his voice causing Sophie to flinch.
“Glad you called me. You never know what it could have been, and I’m sure a private plane couldn’t have Kat here fast enough had you called Mason.” She laughed and watched Benny grin widely, the anxious expression finally clearing from his face.
“Or the Secret Service,” he added.
“She probably would have strolled into a police station and finagled an escort,” Sophie chuckled.
“How long have you known Kat?” Benny asked.
“Not too long, but there are some people who you just figure out quickly,” she answered his unspoken question as to how she knew Kat’s personality so well.
“True,” Benny added somewhat solemnly.
They had shared an awkward silent moment before Sophie said, “I should go,” at the same time Benny said, “So, you want a tour and a cup of coffee?”
“I really should get going,” Sophie responded, suddenly not as confident or as hateful as she had been.
“Yeah, it’s just that you came all the way here. The least I could do is offer you something to drink before you go.”
“It’s all right, really.” It was starting to almost feel like that moment when you didn’t sneak out in time after a one-night stand and found yourself staring at the person whose name you forgot. How do you let him down gently without sounding crude? Except, this wasn’t one of those situations at all. This was Benny, the guy who stole her life and dreams from right under her. The guy who didn’t even bother sticking around to witness the consequences of his actions. He had killed Ethan and then disappeared. She didn’t need to let him down gently. She needed to kick him in the nuts…hard…several times.
Before she could tell him off, she heard a wail coming from the other room.
“Hold that thought,” Benny said as he strolled off to grab Katy while Benji lay comfortably in the playpen near Sophie, still quiet as a mouse. She watched Benny disappear into the other room. Strolling had been the perfect word to describe his walk; no, maybe swagger would be better. He walked with a purpose, a self-confidence that even most runway models didn’t possess. She would have expected him to stalk, even clomp, around to emphasize his power – that even his steps were strong. She snorted to herself at that thought. That hadn’t been Benny. He was always quietly sure of himself. He was the guy who you underestimated because he didn’t look harmful but had a wit about him like no other. He looked the part now, though, at least his body did. All chiseled muscles and tattooed skin, several scars that marred his own personal canvas, and that glint in his eye that said, “I know something you don’t know.”
His body language and his tender touch with Katy and Benji, even his apartment, spoke of the sweet boy she and Ethan used to look up to. There were pictures of Mason’s family scattered around the living room that she was standing in. There were a few pictures of Benny and his friends – some serious, some horsing around, but all fun. The room itself looked like it had a woman’s touch – colorful throw pillows on the couch, interesting wall décor, even a plant in the corner. Sophie wasn’t sure why, but that made her heart clench, a hint of jealousy seizing her. She reasoned it was because Benny shouldn’t be enjoying life like this when Ethan wasn’t, when she wasn’t.
She didn’t know how long she had been studying the room around her before she heard Benny’s footsteps approach.
“Look who came to visit, Katy,” he cooed at the little pink bundle in his arms. Sophie was a sucker for babies…clearly, and a sucker for big, strong men who worshiped said babies as if they were the only things left in the world, even if that man was Benny. Whatever hatred Sophie had started to build just moments ago dissipated instantly. “It’s Auntie Sophie,” he said as he handed her off to Sophie.
She took Katy and felt the distinct tug inside herself; it was the usual mix of joy and sadness.
“You play dirty.” She smiled as she went to sit down, Katy still in her arms.
“Hey,” Benny laughed as he put his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t plan that. I mean, I’m good, but I’m not that good.”
“Well, now that you’re staying for a bit, what do you want to drink? Soda? Coffee? Wine? Beer?”
“Coffee would be good.”
“Let me guess. Creamer and two sugars.” He grinned and Sophie couldn’t help but notice how handsome he was when he smiled. Then again, he had always been good looking –the older, sharper version of Ethan, but that was exactly why she liked Ethan more. He was gentler, softer, more endearing. Except right now, Benny was pretty darn endearing.
“Close, three sugars. And make sure there is a lot of creamer,” she called out as he made his way into the kitchen.
A few minutes later, he came back with two cups and set one in front of Sophie.
“Thanks,” she whispered.
He nodded in acknowledgment, and then came the uncomfortable silence. They sat staring at anything but each other for the next several minutes.
“Thanks for coming today.” Benny finally broke the silence.
“You already said that,” she tried to tease, but it sounded more terse than she had hoped.
“Right, well…I know that I’m not your favorite person, so I really do appreciate you stopping by. I just didn’t want to ruin Mason and Kat’s time away. They deserve it.”
Sophie opened her mouth to rebut Benny’s assessment on her feelings of him, but she closed it right back. He was right. He wasn’t her favorite person, not by a long shot, but somehow, this moment didn’t seem as horrible as she thought it would. Awkward, sure, but not horrendous. She chose to ignore that part of the statement. “I haven’t known Mason all that long, but he works hard and his patients love him. So, I’d have to agree with you on not wanting to end their vacation early.”
“You know,” Benny smirked, “Kat pretty much said I could drag you here against your will if I needed a doc for Katy or Benji quickly.”
“Like you’d need a reason to get someone to bend to your will.” It was meant to be lighthearted, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realized the deep meaning behind them. Benny had clearly understood, too, since he sighed deeply. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…” Sophie started to backpedal, not sure why she would even be sorry for that.
“Yeah, you did,” Benny responded. “It’s all right, Sophie. I know what I’ve done and I know who I was. I’m trying real hard to get away from that guy, but sometimes, the past has a hard time setting us free. I could tell you that I’m sorry again, but somehow, I don’t think that’s quite fitting right now. And sometimes sorry just doesn’t cut it. I don’t think you’d even understand all I’m sorry for,” he mumbled the last words, but Sophie caught them, barely. No, he wouldn’t understand it all, she agreed with him. And he’d never know. No one would.
“Maybe I should go now,” Sophie interjected.
