Let It Go: Benny's Story, page 7
part #1 of Let Go Series
“I don’t think he’s a monster,” Sophie whispered. That wasn’t entirely true. Sometimes, she did think he was a monster, but with Kat’s words echoing through her head, he wasn’t.
“That’s a good start.”
“I…uh…I have to go, Kat. Thanks for checking on me.”
“Sure.”
Sophie couldn’t handle the emotions that were overwhelming her with the direction the conversation had taken. She had seen firsthand glimpses of not only the man Benny used to be before he joined the gang, the good side of him, but also moments where he had matured, become something bigger and better. Yet, those were easy to push back. Not so much when Kat put it in her face. She didn’t like that…she didn’t like it one bit. She especially hated the nagging voice that said maybe Kat was right; maybe whatever little tidbits she had heard between Ethan and Benny had been misconstrued in her head. Maybe, she hated to admit, that she used that as a way to blame Benny first for the decline in her and Ethan’s relationship because she wouldn’t blame Ethan. Later, she held onto it to blame Benny for Ethan’s death, the loss of her baby, because she needed somewhere to point all her emotions toward so she could move on. It was easy to say Benny was the cause because she had heard him pushing Ethan to join a gang. In her young mind, she could have easily made the words bigger than they were, imagining that Benny was forcing Ethan into it. With time, memories became skewed, hatred evolved, pain increased, and that was where she was at – bitter and alone despite all her outward accomplishments.
She curled up on her sofa, a warm blanket covering her from head to toe even though it was warm in her place. She needed the comfort; she needed something to stop the trembling she was experiencing. She watched romantic comedy after romantic comedy until her eyes burned and she fell asleep.
Chapter 12
Kat had kept her promise and worked on Benny to contact Sophie. He didn’t want to, he really didn’t want to, but it was hard to say no to Kat. He told her it wasn’t a good idea; he told her that he didn’t know what to say; he even told her that he’d think about it, but she had a knack for wearing people down. She wasn’t the backing down kind. Even while she was essentially Mason’s slave, she hadn’t lost her will to keep going and make the best of the life she was living. It was no wonder that she was trying to push that onto Benny as well.
It took about a month until he finally relented and told Kat that he’d give Sophie a call to see if they could talk about their shared past. It took another day for him to figure out just what he’d say to her, but that had all been for nothing because Sophie didn’t answer his call. She didn’t pick up when he called her the next day or the following day, either. And she didn’t return his call when he finally left a very simple message on her phone on the fourth day.
“Hi Sophie, it’s Benny. I’d really like to talk to you. Please give me a call.”
“Are you sure that you have the right number?” Kat asked him when she checked for about the millionth time to see if he called.
“Yeah, Kitty Kat, I’m sure. The voicemail is her voice and it says something like, ‘You’ve reached Dr. Sophie Basi.’”
“Try again.”
“I told you this was a bad idea,” he responded.
“But she seemed so receptive,” Kat mumbled so low that Benny barely caught it. He was about to ask Kat what in the hell that meant when she changed the subject. “Okay, how about dinner tomorrow?”
“What?” Kat was a ball of energy when she had to be, but that was a quick change, even for her.
“I haven’t had some grown-up time in a while, and when you’ve come over lately, you and Mason stick me with the kids. I’ll get a babysitter and the three of us can go out and catch up. I need a break and you need to clear your head. You busy tomorrow?”
“Nope, not busy. Sounds like fun. You sure Mason is free?”
“Yeah, I just checked his schedule.”
“Sounds good. You can probably get John to babysit if he’s not busy. You know those kids have him wrapped around their fingers.”
He heard Kat’s giggle through the phone before they made plans and said their goodbyes.
*****
Benny made his way into the restaurant where he was meeting Kat and Mason. After the hostess led him to the table, he noticed Kat sitting alone.
“Where’s Mason?”
“Oh, he’s around,” she responded vaguely as he hugged her. She seemed to brighten up as they pulled apart. “There you are!” she exclaimed at whoever was behind Benny.
He turned to find a wide-eyed Sophie gaping at him. Kat pulled a stunned Sophie into a quick embrace before she turned to both of them.
“Well, if you haven’t figured it out already, this is a set-up. If you don’t sit down and enjoy a nice meal together and at least be civil with each other, I will have to use more drastic measures next time. And you both know that I mean it. So go on, enjoy. I’m out.”
They stared at each other in awkward silence for a few beats before Benny finally laughed at the absurdity of the situation.
“I think we’ve been had.”
That brought a smile to Sophie’s lips. “You know she means it when she says that she’ll pull something crazier next time.”
“Oh, I know,” he chuckled before getting more serious. He pulled a chair out for Sophie as he said, “So, shall we?”
“I guess.”
“So enthusiastic,” he tried to tease, but Sophie just gave him a tight smile. He sat and faced her. “Listen, I’m sorry for all this. I had no idea and if you want to leave, feel free. I’ll even tell Kat that you stayed all night and it was great and she can stop meddling.”
“No, no, it’s fine. She went through the trouble.”
“You have no idea,” Benny added.
“I’m pretty sure I do. She can talk someone’s ear off.” Sophie smiled.
“Only when it’s something that she thinks is important.”
“I guess that’s meant to be a compliment?” Sophie asked.
“Sort of.” The silence came back. “I tried calling you.”
“Yeah, I was busy.”
“Not trying to avoid me?”
“I was busy trying to avoid you,” Sophie teased, a smile forming on her lips.
“About that night,” Benny started.
“No,” Sophie cut him off. “Let’s not, okay? We’re at dinner at a nice place. I don’t want to make a scene, and I really don’t want to rehash that night or the memories it leads to. So, let’s just have a nice dinner and leave all the other stuff behind.”
“That sounds good to me,” Benny responded, more than willing to steer clear of anything having to do with his role in Ethan’s death.
Sophie suddenly chuckled low. “What’s funny?” Benny asked.
“When I first saw you, I thought it was the worst thing to happen to me in a while. After getting my bearings down, I figured I’d see you at most once a year thanks to our association with Kat and Mason. And here I am, seeing you at least once a month, instead.”
Benny couldn’t help but laugh, too. “Honestly, Sophie, I figured I’d rarely see you, too.”
“It’s always like that, huh? When you need something to happen, it doesn’t, but when you don’t need it to, it does.”
“Always.”
The evening progressed wonderfully from there. They ate, talked, and more importantly, they laughed as if they were on a fantastic first date. The girl with the keen eye and the inquisitive streak was back in full force, and it took all Benny had to fight the urge to allow the feelings of fascination he had for her spring back to the surface. She was the same girl that he used to know and yet, she was different. Life, experience, even age had changed her from a scrawny but interesting girl to an intelligent, beautiful woman. It was over the course of that two-hour “date” that Benny stopped looking at Sophie as a reminder of Ethan and what he had lost. Instead, he looked at her like a painting in a museum – mysterious, otherworldly, stunning, and unattainable. She was no longer Ethan’s Sophie in Benny’s mind. She was just Sophie.
They argued, they agreed, they even got a bit heated when they discussed the computer system Benny had set up in Mason’s office for his birthday. They didn’t, however, discuss Ethan, and Benny was fine with that.
It had been a very pleasant evening when they finally left the restaurant.
“I’ll follow you home,” Benny announced as they made their way to the parking lot.
“Oh, that’s not necessary,” Sophie told him.
“I know, but I want to make sure you get home safe, and I have nothing else to do.”
“Well, when you put it that way,” she responded dryly, but with a smile on her face.
Benny knew where she lived, but he still followed her car to her home. He parked, got out, and leaned against the side of his car as he watched her walk to her door.
“I’m home safe,” she called out as she waved at him. He wanted to walk up to her, show her inside, watch her walk through her door, but this wasn’t a date. He had been thanking his lucky stars for how the evening had gone already; he wasn’t going to push it.
Apparently, someone thought he hadn’t had enough luck because he watched her trip over her heels. Not that the near miss was lucky but having an excuse to rush forward and steady her was.
“You okay?” he asked sincerely, keeping an arm around her waist.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks,” she seemed to choke out.
Benny led her to her door where she fumbled in her purse to find the key. She tried to put the key in the lock but was having trouble.
“Here, let me,” Benny offered, his hand skimming along hers, the warmth of her skin tingling his own. As he reached the key, she turned toward him. Her eyes were alight with mischief, their warm brown color so inviting, so alluring. He could feel his own lips part as he was caught in her mesmerizing gaze. She probably didn’t even know what she did to him. He told himself that he should walk away, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to.
Before he could stop himself, he leaned forward, closing the distance between them as his lips brushed hers lightly. He could taste a lingering hint of the wine that she had been sipping, and it was almost as intoxicating as the feel of her lips touching his. It was no more than a peck, a simple contact, but it was like nothing Benny had ever felt. They stayed like that, their lips whispering with each other for mere seconds before Sophie pulled away.
He looked up into her eyes, no longer pulsing with fire, but rather with confusion clouding the deep brown color. It burned him.
“I’m sorry, Sophie. I shouldn’t have done that.” She didn’t respond, only stared at him. “I should go,” he started and turned to walk away. Try as he might, he couldn’t. He took no more than two steps before he turned and grabbed Sophie in his arms, his lips seeking hers. She gasped at the contact, which allowed his tongue to find the entrance into her mouth. She hesitated for a moment and then her tongue danced with his. If he thought the peck was something to write home about, this was something to show up at your parents’ doorstep with a new wife and kid on the way. He held her close while he felt her hands burrow into his shirt, pulling him closer. It felt incredible. It was the thing in his life that he hadn’t realized was missing. And then it was over, just like that, as she pulled away…no, more like forced her body from his.
Her hand came up to cover her mouth, tears instantly streaked down her face and he could hear her breathing heavily as she mumbled, “Oh, my God.”
“Sophie.” He spoke her name as if it was a prayer. He reached for her, but she stepped back and bent at the waist, her tears now breaking into sobs as her other hand dropped the purse she was holding and grabbed at her stomach.
“Sophie,” he tried again.
“Don’t touch me,” she said loudly as her head snapped up.
“I’m so sorry. I was out of line.”
“You kissed me,” she hissed as if Benny had committed some unspeakable crime.
“I shouldn’t have,” he answered.
“I kissed you.” Her tone was flat with a hint of surprise.
“Let me just make sure you get inside okay and I’ll go.”
“I kissed a murderer.” It was as if she was talking to herself, her thoughts forming words instead of quiet revelations in her head. Benny felt those words through to his very core.
“Sophie, I’m so sorry,” he told her but wasn’t sure what good that would do or what exactly he was sorry for.
“I can’t believe I kissed you.” She finally looked at him, her voice full of venom. “You took him from me and I kissed you.” Benny was hurting from Ethan’s death as it was. He felt responsible and it killed him to know that Sophie felt that way, too. And yet, competing with a ghost stung the worst. “You killed my baby!” she screamed.
“You’re right,” he responded, defeated. “I loved Ethan and I didn’t protect him. I caused his murder. I might as well have pulled the trigger. You’re right to hate me, but please don’t do this. Please don’t be upset with yourself.” He hated seeing her this way. He just needed her to see this was yet another thing to add to his list of crimes. This wasn’t her fault and she couldn’t beat herself up about it. He had kissed her and she was just caught in the moment. He told her as much. “You didn’t have a choice. I kissed you.”
She nodded as if she agreed with Benny, but he could see the wheels turning in her head. “I heard you and Ethan talking,” she told him. “I heard you encouraging him to join with you. I heard you telling him that you’d help. You did, and it got him killed. You led him straight into the lion’s den. It wasn’t enough that you were playing Russian roulette with your life, you had to force it on Ethan?”
“What?” Benny gasped. “Never,” he added vehemently.
“But I heard you!” she practically whined.
“Whatever you think you heard, Sophie, I swear on all I hold dear that I never encouraged Ethan. I dis-couraged him. I did everything I could to make sure that he didn’t follow my path. I knew what I had gotten into, but it was too late for me. I never wanted that for Ethan. I made sure that he knew that. I threatened him, I warned him off, I did everything but watch him twenty-four-seven, and that’s where I failed him. You’re right when you say that I’m responsible, but it’s because I didn’t protect him, not because I led him.”
Sophie stared at him, her brows creased, her eyes watery, but he swore he saw relief pass her features, like she was hoping that’s what he was going to say. “Kat was right,” she mumbled so low he had to strain to hear her words.
He saw her take several deep breaths before she steeled her spine and looked Benny in the eye. “It doesn’t change the fact that Ethan is gone. He died following your footsteps. And it doesn’t change the fact that my baby is gone and I didn’t get a chance to tell him.”
“Tell him what?” he asked, truly confused.
“My baby. Our baby…Ethan’s child…” she trailed off, the sobs returning full force as she hugged her stomach.
“Oh, God, no,” Benny whispered, the impact and the meaning of her words sinking in.
“Oh yes,” she cried. “I found out the day that he was murdered. The stress of his death put too much of a toll on my body. I miscarried a month later.” She had stepped closer and her pain was apparent, each word punctuated as if it were a separate sentence.
“My baby is gone. And Ethan never even knew that he was going to be a father.”
Benny had considered himself strong, definitely tough, but at this instant, he felt like a weak man, a shell of himself. He didn’t know when it happened, but he found himself kneeling on the floor in front of Sophie, as if he was in a church, begging for forgiveness. Maybe he was. He tasted the salt on his lips from the tears trailing down his cheeks.
“Leave, Benny,” Sophie stated with dead calm, only the tiny hitch in her voice giving away her pain. “Get up and get the hell out of here.” He didn’t want to leave her, didn’t want to have her go through the pain all over again by herself if he could be there for her this time.
“Sophie, Sophie, I’m so sorry. I don’t….I didn’t…” He couldn’t find the words.
“Your sorry isn’t welcome here.”
“I can’t…I…”
“I said get up and get the hell out of here.” She spoke louder this time, her voice sounding constricted. He tried to oblige, not sure what else to do, but his legs wouldn’t comply. He looked up at her, his eyes begging for her strength because right then, she had it all and he had none.
“You don’t get it, do you?” she gritted. “He never knew that he was going to be a father. And yeah, we were young, but he would have been a fantastic dad.” She paused as if she was collecting her thoughts. “When Ethan died, a little part of me died with him, but with his child growing in me, it made up for that missing piece. I still had Ethan with me. He was going to live on, but my body couldn’t handle the initial grief, and I lost the last part of Ethan. Do you get it now? I lost him twice,” she whispered. “I lost Ethan twice. I couldn’t manage it then, and I doubt that I can do it now.” Her voice was faraway like she was reliving the moment all over again. It broke Benny’s heart just listening to her.
“I’m sorry,” Benny whispered.
Sophie narrowed her eyes, no longer in an explaining mode. “I told you that your sorrys are no good here. Words, Benny, they’re just words. You want to show me your actions?” Benny nodded. “Then for once, do as you’re told and get the fuck out of here. Let me live my misery in peace.” Her voice was no longer shrill, no longer angry. It was crushed. That cut deeper than anything Benny had ever experienced. He was powerless to do anything but listen to her plea.
He stood slowly, the tears still burning his cheeks. He tipped his head at Sophie as if in surrender before turning on his heel and walking away. He made it to John’s place, unsure how he even got there, and proceeded to cry with the only other person who would truly understand his pain.
