Let It Go: Benny's Story, page 8
part #1 of Let Go Series
Chapter 13
All Benny wanted to do for the next month was drink until he was numb and stay holed up at his place…alone. After leaving John’s the night that he found out about Sophie and Ethan’s baby, he managed to stay under the radar for a few days. John came and checked on him numerous times, as did Chain, but he shooed them away. Chain hadn’t stood a chance against drunken Benny, and John was surrounded by his own pain.
He blew off calls from Kat and Mason several times as well. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. No, he didn’t deserve to talk to anyone. He deserved the death that was Ethan’s and his unborn child. Why him? he wondered. Why was it Ethan who had to die instead of him? If Ethan were still alive, he’d have done something wonderful with his life, unlike Benny. He’d have married Sophie, and they’d have a family together. His parents would still have a son, and everyone would be happy. Nothing would be amiss if Benny was six feet under. Life would go on as usual. Instead, the world was a mess, his brother was long dead, the woman he had feelings for hated him, rightly so, and he was a baby killer.
“I would have been an uncle,” he mused aloud. “Sophie would have been a mom,” he said to the empty space. “She would have been a wonderful mom. And all her son’s friends would have had crushes on her.” He smiled, the only happy thought to enter his head in the past few days.
“I seem to recall you getting mad at me for doing the same.” He had heard Mason’s voice before he saw him.
“Go away,” Benny slurred.
“Sorry, buddy, but you were there for me when I needed you, and I’ll be there for you when you need me.”
“This is different,” Benny whined. He actually whined.
“Give me this.” Mason pulled the bottle of vodka out of Benny’s hand. “You look like shit, you smell even worse, and everyone is worried about you. This isn’t you. Me, I can understand. Maybe even John,” Mason chuckled at his own joke, “but not you. You’re the guy who stops assholes like us from sulking.”
“I’m not sulking.”
“Then what do you call it?”
“Self-medicating.”
“Yeah, not so much,” Mason told him.
“I don’t need your help.”
“Seems to me like you do.”
“How did you know I was here?”
“Well, aside from John and Chain letting me know, I took a guess.”
“Good for you. You saw me, you know I’m okay, you can leave now.”
“You’re far from okay, Benny.” He paused. “Look, I know it has something to do with Sophie, but I don’t know what.”
“How do you know that?”
“Well, Kat told me that she tried to set you and Sophie up. Then the next day, Sophie asked for some personal time. You disappeared at the same time, ignoring all my and Kat’s calls. And lastly, John and Chain told me that you were in a bad place and they couldn’t snap you out of it. They might have mentioned Sophie’s name.”
“Traitors,” Benny hissed.
“Nope, more accurately, they’re friends,” Mason told him. “Benny, Kat feels horrible. She feels like it’s all her fault, whatever is going on between you two.”
“It’s not, it’s all mine.”
“Then you’ve got to snap out of this to at least tell her that.”
“You tell her.”
“Come on, Benny, this isn’t you. I don’t know what happened, and I’m not going to push you to tell me, but we can figure this all out. That’s something you taught me, and I’m giving it right back.”
“This can’t be figured out,” Benny declared.
“Why’s that?”
“Because I killed Sophie’s baby.”
“You two slept together?” Mason asked, completely surprised.
“Not mine, my brother’s.”
“You mentioned him once, but never again. You never talk about him Benny. What’s going on there?”
“He’s dead,” Benny’s voice cracked.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be, it’s all because of me. I’m the sorry one.”
“I don’t buy that. Tell me what happened.”
Benny gave him the story, all of it, even up to the part of the pseudo-date with Sophie and the big reveal.
“I’m real sorry, buddy, for everything you’ve been through. But explain to me please how any of it was your fault.”
“I should have protected Ethan! Sophie lost the baby because of the stress of Ethan’s death…a death that I should have prevented. I didn’t just ruin one life. Ethan’s death wasn’t enough. No…I destroyed Sophie as a result, too.”
“And maybe he would have died in a car accident a few weeks later, and Sophie would have still lost the baby from grief, and none of this would have mattered. I believe when it’s your time to go, you go.” Mason paused to let the words sink in. “Look, you know I was the biggest proponent of ‘what ifs,’ but I’m living proof that sometimes life has to fall apart before it gets to the point where it’s supposed to be. Where would you be right now? Probably not here. I’d have died in prison, never met Kat, or find my happily ever after with her, and there’d be no Benji or Katy. Sounds like a horrible life to me. I’m sorry you lost your brother. I know what it’s like to lose, and I don’t wish that on anyone, but from the ruins of that tragedy, a new life emerged, and I’m thankful for that life. I’m thankful to have you in my life.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?” Benny asked, trying to lighten the mood, but his voice was thick with emotion, tears threatening to fall. Mason had really gotten to him. He wasn’t sure if it was the words he used, the threat of not having Mason and his family in his life, or the fact that when he looked at Mason, he saw traces of Ethan. But it all penetrated, even through his alcohol-filled mind.
“I think you might have told me a time or two,” Mason laughed. “Let’s get you clean and sober and then we can figure out the next steps.”
Benny’s movements were sluggish, but he managed to shower, eat something, and down coffee with a couple Alka-Seltzers.
“How’s Sophie doing?” Benny finally found the courage to ask.
“Kat’s spoken to her a few times, and it sounds like she’s upset, but all right. I think my wife knows more than she is letting on.”
“You watch out for her. She’s sneaky,” Benny teased, feeling slightly lighter than he did before, but it was still tense. “What do I do about Sophie?” Benny asked on a pained sigh.
“What do you want to do? And more importantly, why? Because you feel guilty? If that’s the case, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Her anger and her pain are misplaced. That’s on her, and you don’t owe her anything. If it’s because you don’t want things to be weird for Kat and me, you don’t have to worry about that. You come first, and besides, you know that Kat doesn’t care about awkward situations. And I think that I lost the right to care about that a long time ago, too. If it’s because you’re sympathetic to her or because you care about her, either as a friend or as more, well, then, you might want to see if you can patch things up between you two.”
“I’m still not sober enough for this. You sound like a shrink,” Benny told Mason honestly.
“Dr. Tredwell at your services.”
“You’re not that kind of doctor, wiseass.”
“I can still prescribe you the same meds as a psychiatrist.”
“Yeah, yeah. When’s Eddie going to be done with school? I’d rather go to him for meds. He won’t talk my ear off.”
“Stop trying to avoid the subject. You’re the one who asked about Sophie.”
“I didn’t expect a two-page answer.”
“Then what did you expect?” Mason huffed.
“For you to tell me what to do.”
“I recall asking you for advice with Kat.”
“I recall several times that you also didn’t, even though you should have.”
“Why do you keep pulling us off track?” Mason asked sincerely.
“Because I’m afraid of the answer to my own question. What can I do? I can apologize, but what good would that do? She’ll still blame me.”
“I don’t think that she blames you. She’s just having a hard time processing everything now that it’s back in her face. And you’re a painful reminder. Besides, it wasn’t your fault,” Mason declared.
“Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Let’s say it wasn’t, and I apologize, then I’m admitting I am to blame. Still at square one.”
“Then try to explain things to her the way I did with you.”
“It’s easier to listen to an outsider, Mase. I barely believe you even though your life is confirmation that everything you said is true. Sophie isn’t going to hear me out if I say the same things to her.”
“I can talk to her.”
“You don’t need to get involved. And she might not listen simply because she thinks you’re on my side.”
“I am on your side, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t see things clearly.”
“What do I do?”
“Show her that you care about Ethan’s loss and that baby’s loss just as much as she does. She can’t see how much this is affecting you the way your friends can.”
“So what? Show up at her house in tears?” he asked sarcastically.
“Yeah, don’t think that will work,” Mason snorted. “You once told me I had to fight for Kat. Well, consider this your version of fighting for Sophie.”
“We’re not in love, Mase. We’re not a couple. We’re not even friends. There’s nothing to fight for.”
“We’ll debate about the love part later,” Mason said very quickly before adding, “You care about her. That’s all that matters.”
“Okay, so then what?”
“When I fought for Kat, I did something that was meaningful to both of us. It was a risk, but if it worked out in my favor, it would be something we’d both understand and appreciate. As you know, it worked.”
“Show her I care. Show her I care,” Benny repeated. Then it hit him. “Something meaningful to us both,” he said with a slight smile.
“You got an idea?”
“Yeah, Mase, I think I do.”
“Good.”
“Thanks for…well, everything, friend.”
“It’s brother,” Mason responded. At Benny’s curious stare, he added. “It’s ‘thanks, brother,’ not ‘friend.’ We’re not blood, Benny, but sometimes family is chosen, and you’re the family I chose. So, thank you, brother.”
“I love you, bro,” Benny pulled Mason into a hug as he emphasized “bro.”
“Love you, too, Benny. Love you, too.”
Chapter 14
Sophie had needed some personal time after reliving all the painful memories she had pushed down. She had tried to stay strong when she told Benny all about her unborn child, but it was no use. Her emotions had overwhelmed her. One minute she was having thoughts about Benny that she had no business thinking, then he was kissing her, and God help her, but she had wanted it. She had liked it, though “like” wasn’t even a strong enough word. The initial shock of Benny’s kiss had quickly dissipated as she welcomed the warm feel of his lips. It was mere seconds only, but as her mind fought her body, she realized what she did, and more importantly, who she had done it with.
The pain and anger she felt over losing Ethan and then losing the remaining part of him was something she never fully grieved. It had felt like she lost Ethan twice, and she just couldn’t deal with it then, so she placed all her emotions in a box in her mind. When Benny came back into her life, everything she had fought so hard to keep locked away had surfaced. It was like Ethan had died just yesterday, and the feelings she had toward Benny came back, too. Only, the Benny she knew now wasn’t the Benny that she remembered from then. It was hard for her to differentiate the two, and in that moment, the past won out.
As much as she wanted Benny to leave her, she wanted him to fight her – to stay and comfort her – because God knows, she never truly got that. Her parents had never really been there for her. God help them, they tried, but they just weren’t great with emotions. They offered to pay for a shrink, but when Sophie declined, they felt their emotional obligations had been met. She stayed away from her home a lot at that time because her grief seemed to make them uncomfortable. She spent time with her friends, and they were there for her, but they didn’t know what it was like. They hadn’t experienced the kind of loss she had. As much as she hated Benny and blamed him – although, that blame had taken a huge beating after he confirmed what she was starting to suspect. Even though she still thought of him as a selfish bastard for whatever part he did play in Ethan’s death, a very deep part of her believed that he would understand what she went through. But the lingering anger and the deep-seated pain were tipping the scales against Benny. When he finally left her in peace, she was both relieved and upset.
Aside from history overpowering her very being, it was the confusion she felt over the very person whom she vowed to hate that had tied her in knots. She wanted to slap him and beg him to hold her at the same time. She called Mason and asked for some days off to get her head back on straight. He obliged, but days turned into weeks, and then suddenly it was a month of self-loathing, crying, reliving memories, watching sad movies, some more crying, talking to herself aloud, barely eating, and then more crying.
She avoided Kat’s calls for about two weeks, but when that woman had something on her mind, clearly no one stood a chance. She started showing up. At first, she’d just sit with Sophie and watch TV, obviously realizing that Sophie just needed the company. Sometimes she made food, other times just tea or coffee. She brought Benji and Katy a couple of times. It hurt Sophie’s heart, but it also lightened it, too. Strange how you could have two warring emotions at the same time. It had been a little over a month when Kat finally said, “Sophie, we need to talk.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” Sophie tried to joke, but Kat didn’t look amused.
“You’re miserable, Sophie, and I hate seeing you this way.”
“Does Mason need me back at work?”
“No…I mean, he always needs you, but you can take all the time in the world to sort out your problems. I just don’t think it’s healthy.”
“Who are you to judge?” Sophie snapped. Kat looked hurt and Sophie immediately backpedaled. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that. You’ve been nothing but kind to me...better than my other friends, actually.”
“No, I get it. I was the opposite. When I was in a shitty situation, I wanted someone to talk to if only to talk. I’m just trying to be there for you, Sophie. I didn’t go through what you did, but I know what a shitty life looks like. I know struggling, I know about finding joy out of misery, I know loss, and more importantly, I know love.”
“I get that, I do, but I just don’t even understand myself right now.”
“Maybe I can try to help,” Kat offered. “Why don’t you start by telling me what’s bothering you.”
“Where do I even begin?”
“Wherever you need to.”
“Well, you know about my past with Benny, right?”
“Yeah, and I know that whether he was to blame or not, people change. I’m sure you’ve seen it.”
“I have,” Sophie admitted quietly. “But, see, that’s the thing. My mind might recognize that Benny isn’t really to blame. I mean, I heard your words; I heard his, and I was wrong about thinking that he pushed Ethan, but that still doesn’t change the fact that Ethan did follow him for his approval and Benny knew that before he went in. Not to mention that I realize he’s not the person he once was, I can see that he’s a changed man, but being around him is putting me right back into the past. The guy from my perception – the one who took everyone I loved from me is overlapping with the guy he is now. How do I differentiate between the two? How do I get my mind to comprehend everything and forgive him, forgive Ethan, even forgive myself, for all our prior sins because no matter what, we all played a role in the past?”
“I have to preface this by saying I’m not demeaning what happened to you, but let me ask you this, what would have happened if Ethan were still here?”
“I’m guessing we’d be married with kids.”
“That’s just it, you’re guessing. You might have broken up, drifted apart, or you might have been blissfully happy.”
“But we’ll never know.”
“Exactly, so why dwell on what you don’t know? Why let it break your heart over and over?”
“But we didn’t drift apart; he was taken from me. It’s not like we went through the natural curve of highs and lows in a relationship. It’s not like we broke up. We were at the top of the mountain.”
“Were you really? You didn’t have any issues? You didn’t resent the time that he took away from you?”
“Oh God, I’m a horrible person because I did, and I do,” Sophie put her face in her hands as the tears ran down her face. “Why wasn’t I enough?” she mumbled from behind her hands. “God, I hated him for that. Even after he died, I hated him. I wanted to blame him, tell him that it was his own doing, but how could I do that to someone who was gone? He couldn’t defend himself against my hatred.”
“That’s one of the stages of grief, Sophie. It’s completely natural and healthy for you to have done that. But you felt guilty, right?” Kat asked as she stroked Sophie’s back, trying to comfort her. Sophie simply nodded, her face still in her hands. “Do you think that maybe you channeled that hatred and blame to Benny because you felt like you couldn’t blame Ethan?”
“No,” Sophie said as she straightened up. “Benny knew Ethan would follow his every footstep. Ethan looked up to him. Heck, I looked up to him. I always loved Ethan, but Benny was this force, this almost otherworldly person who you couldn’t help but look at in awe. And Ethan was his little brother. Of course, he was going to try to be like Benny.” She paused and breathed in deeply. “And now, I’m not sure what to think. He didn’t push Ethan. He said he tried to stop him, and I do believe him. I’m oddly thankful for that.” She meant it. It was nice to know that Ethan had Benny in his corner even when she thought he hadn’t been. “Even with all that, Benny knew that Ethan would want to be just like him and he didn’t care because if he did, he’d have stopped his lifestyle before he even started it.”
