Let It Go: Benny's Story, page 10
part #1 of Let Go Series
“You had every right to blame me,” Benny told her. “Even before Ethan could walk, his eyes would follow my every movement. Everything I did, he’d do it right behind. He was like my parrot, and when we were younger, I thought it was the best thing. Do you know how great it feels to know that no matter what, there is at least one person in this world who thinks you can do no wrong? That’s what I had, but I started taking it for granted. I wanted to do other things with my life, experience things that I had no business being a part of. I should have known Ethan would want to, too, but I just…I just didn’t care enough to stop and think. I’ve blamed myself every day since his death, and I’ll continue to blame myself until the day that I die, but I’m still here, and I have to live my life like I’m alive.”
“You were a kid yourself, Benny. You shouldn’t have had that much responsibility to have to worry about Ethan.” Sophie mirrored the words Kat had told her previously.
“Kid or not, he was mine to protect, and I failed him.” Sophie knew that she could argue for days, but she’d get nowhere, so she moved closer and put her hand on Benny’s, just to tell him it was okay. They stayed that way for a few minutes until Sophie had to ask the question she was dying to know. “I just don’t understand one thing. Why did you stick with gangs and crime and violence? Wouldn’t his death have forced you to finally see that wasn’t the right path for you?”
“It had never been something long-term, and I certainly didn’t plan to be a part of it for much longer, but I needed to avenge Ethan’s death. And with that came violence.”
“How did you…” she trailed off, suddenly understanding just what Benny meant. She should have been appalled, but she was actually grateful that Benny cared enough to shed blood for Ethan. She squeezed his hand to let him know.
“I could have gotten out after that. I didn’t really care what happened to me, but I had gotten my friends involved, and they couldn’t walk around with a giant target on their backs, so we kept on going with that life. I tried to leave so many times…but when it’s the only thing you know, it’s hard to start something new. It took a while, but I managed to start new life, Sophie,” he added, almost as if he needed her to see that he wasn’t still some street thug.
“I get it, Benny, and that’s exactly why you’re a good person. You put the people you love first. I know you would have put Ethan first, too, even my baby, had you thought things through. You can’t be faulted for that.”
He pulled his hand from Sophie’s and lifted his shirt, exposing his tattooed chest. He pointed directly at his heart, at the tattoo memorial for Ethan. “See this, Sophie. This is the missing piece that Ethan took with him when he died.” She had seen it before, but she still shivered with the impact it had on her and the emotion flowing from Benny’s voice. “I’m never getting it back, and that’s because I didn’t put him first. I look at this every day to remind me never to make the same mistakes I did back then. I don’t…I don’t know if I’m strong enough without that reminder.” He hung his head as if in shame.
“I’m never going to get through to you, am I?” Sophie asked herself more than Benny. “I see the way you are with your friends, with Benji and Katy, even with me. You didn’t have to come here. You didn’t have to try to make things right with me. Why did you, Benny? Why? It’s because you’re a good guy. Because you truly care. I love that you memorialized Ethan on your skin, but you don’t need a tattoo to remind you to love because you do that all on your own.” He looked at her, his eyes shining with spilled tears, willing her to say something more.
She stood and came close to him, kneeling in front of him, taking both his hands in hers. He had given her all his strength; he had done exactly what she had needed him to do. She was the one who could see reason now – thanks to him. Just a few days before, she was a blubbering mess, wallowing in the past and letting it own her. It took less than a day for all that to change. All because of Benny. Now, it was time to give it back. It was time to help him move on because he had done that with her. It was time to tell him the one thing that she knew he needed to hear, even if he didn’t.
“I forgive you,” she whispered, her voice hoarse as if it hadn’t been just used. It wasn’t from lack of conviction, but rather with the force of impact that the words had even on herself. Benny opened his mouth slightly as if in shock. She nodded as if telling him that he heard right and then repeated herself. “I forgive you.”
He cocked his head to the side as if trying to register whether she was real or a figment of his imagination. And then he pulled her to him so that she was sitting in his lap and his strong arms were around her, his head buried in her hair, and for the second time that day, he cried in her arms. “Thank you,” he whispered over and over into her hair. They stayed that way for minutes before finally breaking apart.
“Friends?” Sophie finally asked.
“Family.”
Chapter 17
That day had been exactly what Sophie needed to snap out of her funk. It was like someone had flipped the switch and she was back to her normal self. She had spent a good amount of time in front of the mirror after Benny had left just staring at the stranger in front of her. She had looked like someone who had been starved and hadn’t seen the sun in days. It had been a fairly accurate portrayal, but she didn’t like the person she had become any longer.
“No more feeling sorry for yourself,” she told her image. “Time to be the strong woman I know you are.” Then she proceeded to shower and have a hearty meal. “I need my butt back,” she said out loud as if someone was wondering why she was eating so much.
She went back to work two days later, feeling she needed a day to truly recuperate.
“Look at you!” Kat cried when Sophie met her and the twins for lunch the following day. “Happy looks good on you.” She smiled.
“Thanks, Kat. I owe you a lot. You helped snap me out of my funk.”
“Oh? Was it me or a handsome tattooed man who we both know and love?”
“Why am I not surprised that you know about that?” Sophie shook her head in mock dismay.
“Because you know me too well? And because you know that I know everything.”
“You remind me of that movie Teen Witch. You remember it? It came out in the eighties,” Sophie told Kat.
“Oh my God! I loved that movie!” Kat cried.
“You remember the part where Madame Serena says, ‘Madame Serena knows all…sees all…’? Well, yeah, that’s you!” Sophie laughed.
“I knew I liked you for a reason.” They laughed and joked about how cheesy the movie was. Then Kat brought them back to Benny. “You didn’t deny it.”
“What are you talking about?” Sophie asked.
“When I talked about Benny and said a man we both knew and loved, you didn’t say no.”
“Well, yeah, I knew you were talking about Benny, and I know that you know what he did for us…for me.”
“He’s a really great guy, Sophie. He takes care of the people he loves, and he loves fiercely. He’s there for Mason, for me, and for our children in a flash when we need him. He does so much for so many people. He just doesn’t see what I see. He doesn’t see all the good in him or all the wonderful things he does. There’s always been a shadow following him, clouding his eyes sometimes when he doesn’t realize anyone is looking.”
“I understand that,” Sophie told her.
“I know you do, and that’s why I knew that you could lean on each other, but you’re strong, and independent, and you’ve accomplished so much in your life. You’ve been hurt, but I know you can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of where you stand.”
“That’s true,” Sophie responded, not one hundred percent sure where the conversation was going.
“Benny can’t. He doesn’t see all the admirable things that he’s done in this life or how many people’s lives he’s touched and affected in a positive way. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be where I am today without him,” she told Sophie.
“I’m sure that he knows all this,” Sophie responded.
“Oh, he does, the cocky bastard,” Kat chuckled. “But I know that he still sees the past when he looks in the mirror. I hope this truce you two have worked out will help him move beyond that.”
“I hope so, too,” Sophie told Kat honestly. The more she thought about Benny, the more she saw just how great he really was. Back when Ethan died, Sophie had been his brother’s girlfriend, and he might have owed her a little closure then, but he certainly didn’t owe her anything now. She was a childhood friend at most, an acquaintance at best, and he had taken the time to give her comfort and open up.
“But, look at me; here I go getting off topic. What I meant was the love part. You didn’t deny any feelings there. Do I dare say our young Sophie has some for Benny?”
“I…wha? what?” Sophie sputtered. “Where did that come from?”
“Aw, you’re blushing, how cute,” Kat spoke before taking a squirming Benji in her arms. “I think Sophie likes your godfather,” she cooed at him, and he actually calmed down. Traitorous child.
“He’s shown me a side of himself that I haven’t seen since we were kids. And what you’ve said is true – he’s a good guy. Of course, I care about him. But we’re friends, Kat.”
“Friends,” Kat repeated.
“Yep.”
“If you say so.” Kat smiled mischievously.
Sophie changed the subject and the rest of the conversation was far from Benny, but it had gotten Sophie’s mind thinking. Did she like Benny? Yeah, of course, she did – but as a friend, that was all.
*****
That day with Sophie had affected Benny more than he wanted to admit.
“You doing okay?” John asked.
“Yeah, I’m good,” he said after he went back to work. They were working on fixing up an old warehouse and turning it into a lounge. John and Chain had done most of the work in the past month as Benny wallowed.
“Have you talked to Sophie again?” John asked. The asshole knew exactly where Benny’s head was at.
“Nah, giving her some time.”
“For what? I thought you guys kissed and made up? Friends, right? Friends talk, hang out.”
“We’re not that kind of friends.”
“Why the fuck not?” John asked.
“We just aren’t. Drop it.”
“You like her.”
“Of course I like,” Benny told John.
“Nah, fucker, you like her. Don’t deny it. Why else would you play hero for her?”
“I’m far from a hero, asshole. And she was going to have my niece or nephew. I owed it to her.”
“Call it whatever you want, Benny, but your head’s been up your ass the last week. I know your mind’s been on Sophie. Shit, I can’t blame you. A body like hers.”
“Don’t fucking talk about her like that,” Benny practically roared.
“Don’t like her, my ass.” John smiled.
Just then both their phones dinged, and they both looked down. It was a mass text message from Kat.
BBQ at our place. Saturday, 2pm. Be there!
Benny sent a quick yes ma’am before he tried to discretely see who else the text was sent to. His heart hammered in his chest when he saw Sophie was on the group text. If she came, that would be the first time they saw each other after their truce. He didn’t know how to act around her. They had made peace, even declared they were family, but was that something two grieving people did in the moment and then went their separate ways?
He saw John’s reply that he would be there, and then he saw Sophie’s response.
I’m in. What should I bring?
Just your wonderful self, Kat responded. Typical Kat. It made Benny smile.
“What’s that smile about?” John asked.
“Just thinking about how great it’s going to feel to kick your ass at soccer,” Benny lied. They often played games on Mason’s gaming system, soccer being their favorite. The guys were really competitive, but it was all in good fun.
John snorted. “Yeah, buddy, in your dreams.”
*****
Saturday couldn’t come fast enough. Benny had put all his effort into work, not leaving any room to think about the possible awkwardness between him and Sophie. He wanted it over with. No, he didn’t. He couldn’t make up his mind.
He arrived late, as usual, and Sophie was already there. Was he supposed to go over and say hi to her? Damn, he was acting like a teenage boy with his first crush.
Just to prove his subconscious wrong, he was going to say hi to her, right after he said hi to Mason and Kat.
“Did you see Sophie?” Kat asked, the little devil. “She looks great, right?”
“Kitty Kat,” he said her name as if in warning.
“What?” she asked innocently as she batted her lashes.
“I know what you’re trying to do.”
“Well, at least that makes one of us because I have no clue what you’re talking about,” she smiled sweetly. “But Benny, you can’t be mean. Go say hi to her.”
“You.” He pointed at her, but couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his mouth. “You’re trouble, Kitty Kat.”
“You know it,” she said and spun him around and gave him a shove.
“Hey, Sophie,” he said as he approached her.
“Benny.” The way she said his name as if she was breathless had his thoughts racing in a million directions that weren’t suited for public. He could imagine her whispering his name in his ear as he buried himself deep inside, feeling every inch of her glorious skin against his. His jeans felt suddenly tight as he looked at her lips. “How are you doing?” Sophie asked, breaking him from his thoughts.
“I’m good, actually. Got back to work. Had a lot of catching up to do. You?”
“Oh, yeah.” She smiled, and it broke the tension they were feeling. “But it feels good, you know? Being busy, feeling needed.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
They grew silent, each not knowing what else to say.
“This is awkward.” Sophie laughed.
“But it shouldn’t be,” Benny stated. “Come grab a drink with me, and let’s sit and talk. We’re friends, right?” he smiled.
“Yeah,” she said but seemed to be thinking. “Yeah, I’d like that,” she said with more conviction. They made their way to the kitchen and Benny grabbed two beers from the fridge. He opened them, and they both leaned against the counter.
“I know that you now I knew you when you were a kid. But I don’t know much about what happened between now and then. Tell me what I’m missing,” Benny almost demanded.
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
They spent the next hour telling each other about their lives. She told him about school, her residency, some funny moments with friends. He told her about work and parts about his life.
“And then I see John running out of the house buck naked screaming about a unicorn stealing his clothes.”
They were practically rolling on the floor in tears, laughing so hard at the stories he recalled. Most of them involved dares and alcohol.
“I can’t believe he did that,” Sophie spoke between breaths.
“A dare’s a dare.” Benny smiled.
The day went by in the blink of an eye.
“This was nice, Benny.”
“Yeah, Sophie, it was.”
“I’m glad we’re friends,” she told him, but the tone sounded nervous. Benny couldn’t understand what she had to be nervous about.
“Me, too. Let’s do this again, yeah?”
“Definitely.”
Air cleared, tension removed, smiles in place…Benny and Sophie were officially friends.
Chapter 18
“Can you take care of Benny?” Mason popped his head into Sophie’s office.
She hadn’t seen him in a little over a week since the BBQ, and although things had gone smoothly between them, she didn’t expect them to start becoming best friends after that. It just meant that whenever they saw each other, they could hang out comfortably.
“Uh, sure. Why?” she asked.
“Not sure, didn’t have time to get the details. I was on the phone with Kat when he walked in and she said she needed some formula or something for Katy ASAP. Gotta run to the store real quick.” Mason’s words trailed as he already started heading out.
“Sure, she needed something ASAP,” Sophie mumbled to herself. She had a sinking suspicion that Kat was trying to get Sophie and Benny to spend more time together. Nevertheless, she went to the exam room to see what had happened.
“Hey, Benny, what’d the neighbor do this time?” she teased. His responding smile made her heart literally flutter. She had never really paid attention to his looks when they were younger. Sure, she noticed that he was attractive, but he was older and not for her. So she focused on Ethan, the guy she knew would be her equal. Now though, it seemed that all she could do was stare at him. He was beautiful in a rugged way, a little rough around the edges, like he knew things beyond his years. There was always a glint in his eyes and a hint of mischief behind his smile. That had always been there, but it seemed to be more pronounced now. It was alluring. Sophie mentally chided herself for observing these things.
