Let It Go: Benny's Story, page 13
part #1 of Let Go Series
Sophie even got to meet Trent, one of Kat’s best friends, whom she had met when she lived in the apartment Mason had rented for her. Trent had met “the one” and moved to be with him, but since then, Trent had met about three more “the ones.” He was planning on moving back soon, though, and part of his trip had been scoping out apartments.
“Oh Benny, I like her,” Trent had told him when he met Sophie at Kat and Mason’s place. “She’s spunky. Reminds me of Kat. Oh! The fun I’ll have with those two. Yep, definitely moving back.”
When Eddie came back from school for the weekend, Kat and Mason had a barbecue, and even Eddie had been drawn to Sophie.
“You know, Sophie, my classes are starting to get difficult, and with the kids, it’s getting harder for Mason to help when I need it. Can I get your number so I can ask you questions when I need help?”
“Sure!” Sophie had exclaimed, obviously happy to be included as part of the family.
“Slick, kid, real slick.” Benny had laughed, knowing exactly what Eddie was playing at.
“And maybe, you can come visit me at school and give me some in-person training,” Eddie added with a wink in Benny’s direction.
“Soph, babe, he’s playing you,” Benny told her as he laughed. “The kid’s a genius and he knows it. He just wants in your pants.”
Sophie looked at Benny like he had grown two heads, but then she looked at the smirking faces of everyone around her before narrowing her eyes and turning back to Eddie.
He just shrugged, a smirk on his lips, “Hey, it was worth a try.”
Everyone burst out laughing. “Eddie Andrew Boyd,” Kat tried to discipline, but was too busy giggling, “not cool.”
“Love you, too, Kat,” he responded, and she smiled wider.
Benny knew he loved Sophie – no, he was in love with Sophie before they even started dating; he just never admitted it to himself. He acknowledged that first night, but his feelings just got stronger each passing day. He had opened his mouth to tell her that he loved her on several occasions, but there never seemed to be a right moment. Truth be told, he didn’t think Sophie felt the same way and he didn’t want to scare her off. He had always had her in the back of his mind, even when he didn’t realize it, and when she came back into his life, it took a lot to keep those feelings at bay. Now that they were at the forefront of his mind, it was a constant struggle not to blurt it out. But Sophie had hated him for the better part of her life, and only recently started seeing him in a better light. He wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize what they had.
Nevertheless, things were great. So, when after two months, Sophie started pulling away from Benny, he didn’t understand what happened. It started with her telling him she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to get him sick. He came to her place, but she sent him away. This lasted a few days, and when he found out from Mason that she had called in sick, he believed her. But then she started finding other excuses not to see him. Then she claimed she needed to visit her parents last-minute and took a week off. He called her several times a day for that week, but she only texted him once to say that she was okay but was really busy and would call him when she had a chance. She never did.
“I’m losing her, Mase,” he told Mason after about a month of avoidance. “If I haven’t already lost her.”
“I’m sorry, Benny, I really am. I wish I knew what was going on, but even Kat is stumped.”
“I love her,” Benny admitted out loud for the first time.
“Have you told her?” Mason asked.
“No, I didn’t want to scare her off, but look what good that did me,” he sighed almost in defeat.
“Then tell her now.”
“I’ve tried to reach her, but she keeps shutting me out. I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose her. She’s given me back something I thought I lost a long time ago. I won’t survive it if she leaves me, too.”
“You will, Benny, you’ve got us. We’re your family and we love you.”
“I know, but it’s not the same.”
“Then don’t give up. Fight for her.”
“I’ve tried.”
“This is trying? Nope, Benny, this is wallowing. Don’t forget I’ve seen you in action. You’ve been my partner in crime, and you did better fighting beside me than you’re doing now.”
“It’s easier being on the sidelines.”
“I know, I know, but you’re not the guy who sits and allows self-pity to take over. If anything, that’s me,” Mason tried to joke. “Now do something about it.”
“But what?” Benny asked.
“That’s on you. I did some drastic things…with your help, so I know you have it in you.”
Just like that, a light went off in Benny’s head. It was a long shot and risky, but desperate times called for desperate measures. “I know just what to do.”
Chapter 22
Sophie was a complete mess. Things had been going great with Benny. No, “great” didn’t do it justice. She had felt like she could walk on the moon with no oxygen tank required. Benny was all the air she needed. When he touched her, she felt like every fiber of her being was on fire. When they made love, the way he played her body, she felt like he was a concert cellist and she was his instrument. She’d never felt that way ever.
It tore her to pieces to realize that. It meant that Ethan hadn’t gotten to her the way Benny had. She felt so guilty to feel that way, but she couldn’t control her emotions any more than the sky could stop being blue. When she showed up at Benny’s that night, she hadn’t planned on being with him, but with everything she knew about him, everything she felt about him, it was bound to happen. The switch that kept her feelings in check had been flipped, and there was no going back.
When Benny responded to her, she had been both shocked and elated. They had fallen asleep in each other’s arms. When she woke, she was afraid things would be awkward, but Benny simply told her she was his, and all her worries ceased to exist.
From that point forward, they were a couple. She hadn’t had a real boyfriend since Ethan. Sure, she had dated, even long term, but no one felt like a partner to her. Benny did, though. The more she thought about it, the worse she felt toward Ethan.
She admitted her concerns to Kat, who asked her a series of questions.
“Did Ethan love you?”
“Yes,” Sophie answered without hesitation.
“Did he want you to be happy?”
“Absolutely.”
“And are you?” Kat asked.
“Very,” Sophie admitted shyly.
“Then why do you feel guilty?”
“Because I’ve moved on…with Ethan’s brother.”
“Well, Ethan loved Benny, right?”
“Of course.”
“Then it actually makes perfect sense. The two people he loved the most together.”
“I’m not sure that’s how it works,” Sophie responded dryly.
“You wanted my professional advice, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Well, there you have it. You deserve to be happy, so does Benny, and if you make each other happy, then that’s what is meant to be. Hey, for all you know, Ethan’s looking after you both and bringing you together.”
She still felt a bit of nagging guilt every now and then, but Kat’s words made her feel better.
Now, though, she was crumbling inside. And it was all her own doing. She should have known she’d fall for Benny. She should have expected it. He was caring, he was thoughtful, and he looked at her like she had created the earth. He made her feel like she could do no wrong, and he treated her with reverence. Dare she say she had never felt more cherished in her life? She hated comparing him to Ethan, but secretly, deep down, she knew things with Ethan had been a fire that was slow burning, constant, always providing warmth on cold days. But with Benny – the fire was an inferno, the flames consuming everything in their wake, the heat scorching her skin, and she was a lover of hot temperatures.
Benny had tried to cook her dinner the previous month. He had actually cooked little things here and there, and he wasn’t a bad cook, but he had never made a big dinner for her.
“What’s the occasion?” she asked.
“Every day with you is an occasion,” he responded and smirked.
“What a charmer,” she responded.
“Anything to get in your pants,” he said with a wink and a laugh.
“Oh really?” she teased as she started unbuttoning her pants.
The next thing she knew, they were basking in the afterglow on his couch and dinner was burned.
“Going out or ordering in?” Benny chuckled.
“Ordering in,” she responded.
“Pizza?” he asked and she nodded.
He stood and got the telephone to order. She stared at his body, the smooth planes, the ripples, the many tattoos. She loved the way his body moved. Sometimes he’d stalk, particularly when he was walking toward her, like a caveman claiming his woman. Other times, he seemed to glide effortlessly. He looked rough but had an easy smile. He turned and winked at her as a smile lit up his face at her obvious perusal of him. She felt it all through her core.
Her eyes locked on the tattoo she knew was a memorial to Ethan. Forgive me, Ethan, she thought to herself, but I love him. She froze. Where did that come from?
She couldn’t love Benny. She didn’t love him. She hadn’t loved anyone since Ethan, and well, we know how that had ended. She hadn’t allowed herself to open up to anyone, not just because she had been holding back her pain, but also because she couldn’t handle loving someone again.
“Everything okay, Soph?” Benny asked when he came back to the couch.
“Oh, uh, yeah, just getting a headache.”
The rest of the night was filled with tension, and she knew Benny noticed it, but she just kept telling him she was coming down with a migraine, or maybe worse. She wanted to leave right then and there, but she knew Benny wouldn’t let her go. She spent the night in Benny’s arms, but sleep hadn’t claimed her. Her mind was working overtime. She tried to reason with herself that she didn’t love Benny, that the thought was just a glitch. She told herself that she’d wake up the next day and things would be back to normal, and she could continue being with Benny. But when morning came and she looked at Benny and stupid love filtered into her thoughts, panic set in. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t love him and then lose him. She wouldn’t be able to take that again.
She hadn’t dealt with it well with Ethan, and as much as she had loved him, she knew she loved Benny more. If she really wanted to admit it, she’d probably loved Benny all her life, starting with a little kid looking up to the cool older neighbor. She’d always been infatuated with him. And the hate she felt toward him? She had heard before that the people who can hurt you the most are the ones you love the most because love gives them that power. She hated him because he hurt her – because he wasn’t there for her. But it hadn’t been his job to be there. It was simply because deep down, she loved him and needed him. It took her all this time to open up her heart and her mind and let the emotion creep out. And once it was out, it wasn’t going back in.
She avoided Benny at all costs the past month. She even called in sick to work, and then took an emergency leave of absence, citing her parents needing her. Really, she got a hotel room a few blocks away because she couldn’t keep pushing Benny away. She knew she’d cave and then where would that leave her? Broken and alone. She couldn’t take that.
She made excuses with Kat, ignored Mason, even disregarded her friends, who would never notice anything was wrong with her. She had spent the better part of that month fighting tears, crumbling to pieces, convincing herself she didn’t love Benny, and telling herself she’d be okay. She wasn’t. She was far from okay. “Okay” wasn’t even a word in her vocabulary. “Distress” was, though. “Misery,” too. “Despair” worked also. “Fear,” “anxiety,” “panic,” and “sorrow” were all words she knew very well. She had lived them before, but they were ten times worse now. If she left Benny before he could leave her, then she figured she’d be fine. But it hadn’t worked out so well thus far. She was grieving for him before she even lost him.
Her phone rang and Benny’s face lit up the screen. She hit ignore. She had to do this; she had to put herself first so she wouldn’t be crushed in the end. “I love you Benny,” she whispered to the empty room, “but this time, I have to love myself more.”
Chapter 23
Sophie woke with a start as if she’d been shaken from a nightmare, but she couldn’t remember having any dreams. Her mouth felt dry and her head felt fuzzy. Had she drunk herself to sleep the night before? She didn’t think so, but she couldn’t remember.
She scrubbed her face with the palm of her hand, willing herself to fully wake up. When she lowered her hand, she sighed and finally took a good look at her room. Her brows creased in confusion. She wasn’t in her room. Her first thought was that she was still asleep then she guessed maybe she had too much to drink the night before and somehow ended up where she didn’t belong, and then panic finally set in. The room was sparse, a simple dresser in one corner, and the bed she was lying on. She was still fully dressed in the clothes she had on the night before.
She took deep breaths to calm her racing heart. Wherever she was, she’d figure a way out, but she needed not to panic in order to do so. She had just finished having a mental pep talk with herself when the door to her room opened. She moved back farther on the bed instinctively, the need to protect herself overpowering the false confidence she had just built.
And then she gasped. “Benny?”
“Hey Soph, I thought I heard movement in here, so I figured I’d check on you.”
“Where am I?” she asked, still nervous, but no longer alarmed. “And how did I get here?”
“Come with me and I’ll show you around. You can get cleaned up in the bathroom and then we can talk.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Where are we?” She still wasn’t afraid, but she was starting to get upset.
“I guess that depends on how things go. This might be a temporary situation or this could be your new home.”
“My what?” she asked incredulously. “Benjamin Ian Negrete, start talking,” she demanded.
“Still difficult,” he mumbled. “Okay, this used to be Kat’s room.”
“Kat’s room?” she asked. “But this isn’t their home,” she protested.
“Yeah, Mason and Kat decided to keep this place because it was where it all started. Sentimental stuff. Came in pretty handy for me, though.”
“This is…” she trailed off as realization dawned on her. She jumped out of bed and raced toward Benny, her fists pounding on his chest. “You kidnapped me!” she screamed.
He grabbed her hands in his and looked into her eyes. “You were avoiding me and pulling away from me.”
“You can’t keep me here,” she told him, her breaths shallow as she tried to wiggle free from his grasp.
“Actually,” he smirked, “I can. All the windows are locked, the doors only open if you’re authorized to open them, and well…you’re not. The place is soundproof. There’s nothing dangerous in here that you can use to hurt me and get me to open it up, not that I think you’d do that, but just letting you know.”
“How long do you think that you can keep me here?” she asked as she stopped struggling in his hold, understanding that she truly wasn’t going anywhere if he didn’t want her to.
“Forever if I have to,” he responded, and the tone of his voice made her realize he was serious. “But I only want to get to the bottom of what’s going on with us. One minute we’re happy, and the next, you’re pushing me away.” She heard the sorrow in his voice and she actually felt a tiny bit of guilt. “I needed to be able to talk to you, to get you to deal with whatever is going on. And this,” he waved his hand around the room, “was the best thing I could think of.”
“You can’t do this,” she whispered but knew her words were false.
“I already did, Soph. The sooner you tell me what’s wrong, the sooner we can deal with it, and then we’ll both be out of here.”
“I can’t,” she answered softly. “I’m sorry, Benny, but I can’t.”
“Then I guess we’re both in here for the long haul,” he told her as he released her hands and walked out.
Sophie stumbled back until she fell on the bed; she closed her eyes and let the tears trail down her cheeks. She had secretly wanted Benny to find a way to break through her barriers, and this was certainly doing just that, but at the same time, she couldn’t let him break her. She was afraid that if she gave in and told him that she loved him then she wouldn’t be able to leave before he broke her heart, and she knew he’d break it. Not necessarily because he was a bad guy or because he didn’t care about her, but simply because the people she loved always left. It was her burden alone. She spent the next half hour sitting in that same position before she found the courage to get up.
She found some of her clothes in the drawers and when she wandered into the hallway, it took only one try before she found the bathroom. When she made it to the kitchen, Benny was making breakfast.
“Waffles with strawberries, your favorite,” he told her as he set it down in front of her.
“Thank you,” she murmured as her heart cracked just a little more. If he kept doing things like that, even as he held her hostage – which was insane, insane – she was going to fall even harder for him.
