“Yep. I found out not all Amish are this strict. If we switch to New Order Amish, we can even have Bible studies and visit with Englishers. It’s a better way to live and still be Amish.”

  “You said ‘we’—you mean you and me?”

  He grinned. “I was always hoping you thought pretty gut of me, you know, Leah.” He watched her face closely. She couldn’t keep the look of surprise and love from her eyes. He chuckled. “I was hoping you’d look this happy.”

  Feeling hope bloom for the first time in days, Leah couldn’t keep the joy from her voice. “Jacob, after all that’s happened, I never thought we’d still—well—that you’d still want to be with me.”

  “I think you know how I feel about you, Leah. It’s been no secret to anyone else. Love doesn’t stop because someone has new ideas.”

  She got up and walked to his side. She touched his sleeve gently. “Jacob, I think I’ll never find anyone more understanding than you, but I want you to be sure.”

  He gave her a hurried hug. It was quick and not very tight, but his reaction spoke volumes to her heart.

  “I don’t care where we have to move in order for you to be able to keep your new salvation, Leah, but I do know I can’t live my life without you in it.” He shook his head. “I learned that the hard way.”

  A weight that had bowed her low for months lifted from Leah’s heart. “Jacob, I hope you’ll never be sorry you chose me.”

  “Never.” His voice was sincere and sure.

  Leah wanted so much to kiss him then and there, and she thought he felt the same way, but they both knew it would be a risk if Daet caught them. So they put some space between themselves and sat down to eat lunch.

  The twinkle in Jacob’s eyes as they chatted and laughed, catching up on each other’s lives, warmed her weary soul. It made all the difference to know she had someone who loved her and trusted her.

  Jacob gave her tips on what to say in order to be convincing to the congregation, elders, and bishop with her confession the next day. Knowing when Jacob and she married, he planned to move to a less strict church district gave Leah the push she needed to try harder to please the bishop and her parents. She hoped her and Jacob’s time in this church wouldn’t last long.

  When Leah went to bed that night, she could hardly sleep for delight over plans Jacob and she had made that day. But when she thought of the next morning, in spite of her pledge to be strong, her stomach twisted. Leah wasn’t sure what questions the bishop and elders might ask before the service, though Jacob had given her a pretty good idea of what was to come. Father, help me to answer the men honestly, without jeopardizing my future or denying my faith.

  Leah was disappointed to learn the next morning the bishop wanted her to wait two weeks before sharing her confession with the church. He wasn’t convinced she was truly repentant. Maybe he was right, but she suffered tense hours over the next few days and wished she could just end it by getting on with joining the church.

  Leah had a hard time living with her family under the restrictions applied. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were eaten in silence. A couple of times, Jacob brought his lunch to eat with her in the shop, and when he came, Daet always left them alone together. She sighed when Jacob would come and sit on the stool, swinging his legs, chatting comfortably, as though there was nothing in the world wrong in their lives. Leah would feel her muscles unwind, her shoulders loosen in ease.

  He was so good for her. He always came with a funny story to share or simply a willingness to let her vent her frustrations. As they bowed to pray over their lunch, his hand would search out hers. The first time it happened, Leah opened her eyes, surprised to discover he went right on with his silent prayer, as though holding her hand in prayer was something he had always done. And though it wasn’t typical for Amish couples to do that, it felt right. And good. And special. And Leah needed his affirmation and support now more than ever. Most of the Amish from their church group still did not fully accept her.

  In town, when other Amish families met her, they still avoided eye contact. In the shop, at the grocery, anywhere she went, she faced rejection. The worst moment came when she was with Maem in town. They turned a corner, and Leah saw Matthew Schrock coming toward them on the sidewalk. As soon as he spied them, his broad smile lit up his face, but Leah, conscious of her precarious status within her Amish community, dropped her eyes and kept her head down as they passed him.

  She had glanced back once they were safely out of speaking range and saw him standing immobile, his expression frozen in sad disbelief, his shoulders slumped. She faced forward, hurrying onward, but her mind preserved the picture of his dejected stance.

  She knew how that must have hurt him. She knew because she had experienced the same thing when she was out among the English. And still knew it when her Amish neighbors turned away from greeting her even now—the gut-wrenching dismissal of someone withholding a simple, friendly smile.

  It began to wear on Leah. The shunning was doing its job; turning her back to being Amish. Back to surrendering her individuality, if for no other reason than to feel like a human being again.

  The Saturday when the bishop and the preachers arranged to talk with Leah again finally arrived. It was sunny and warm for a late-December day, and her spirits lifted. The house was filled with the good smells of the coming Christmas season, and all in all, she was ready to answer the bishop’s questions the way he wanted her to.

  Leah knew she could never be the same unquestioning Amish girl she used to be, but maybe there would be a way to keep her own private beliefs and live the Amish life, too. And since she had passed her eighteenth birthday, she was sure there would be no trouble with her parents if Jacob and she wanted to marry soon. Maybe they would be planting celery this spring!

  Those thoughts were in her mind as she sat in the chair facing the bishop and the elders.

  Bishop Miller opened the meeting with prayer, and she noted his tone was softer than the last time he spoke with her. The preachers, Andy Weaver and Earl Plank, still regarded her skeptically, and she knew it would be hard to convince them her confession was genuine.

  “Now, Leah,” began Bishop Miller seriously, “you’ve stated you’d like to confess before the church tomorrow and then be accepted for becoming a member. Is that right?”

  “Yes, Bishop Miller.”

  “You also have renounced your living in the world and all the things we deem wrong and harmful to our Amish beliefs. Is that also right?”

  “Yes. It is.”

  “Now. We have heard you have an Englisher Bible, and when asked about this the last time, you wouldn’t answer the question. We need to know: do you still have this Bible?”

  This was the question Leah had dreaded, and it had worried her considerably. Suddenly, she understood.

  Just yesterday, in the shop at lunch, Jacob had abruptly asked her to give him the Bible. She’d looked at him as though he was out of his mind, but he’d insisted he wanted to keep it. She’d felt silly sneaking the bright blue Bible down from her room and out to the shop, but he’d only winked as he tucked it into his shirt before going home.

  She had to suppress a smile now. “No sir. I don’t have the Englisher Bible anymore,” she answered honestly.

  Thank you, Jacob, for being so wise. Later, she might feel remorse for deceiving these men, but for the moment, Leah was too worried about the rest of the questions to think about anything else.

  The questioning went on for another hour, but to her surprise, most of the inquiries were fair. The last one, however, left Leah speechless for a minute.

  “And now, Leah,” said Preacher Weaver, “we’re very worried about this born-again experience you told us about the last time we spoke to you—before you left.”

  All eyes were fixed on her. She swallowed nervously.

  “Yes. We need to be sure you have renounced this as a heresy to our religion and to the church,” Preacher Plank added.

  Leah had a moment when she imagined herself rising up and defending her faith—of never betraying her Savior, Jesus Christ. Under their scrutiny she wavered, feeling the pressure to conform and the overwhelming desire to be included again, and then she buckled, and nodded her agreement. Leah, like Peter, betrayed the Christ she knew so personally.

  Tears sprang to Leah’s eyes, but the church leaders misinterpreted them as signs of remorse. Yes, they were tears of remorse, but not for the reasons the bishop and preachers and Maem and Daet thought. Once the tears started, she couldn’t stop them.

  The men gathered and prayed one last time, and, satisfied her heart was now true again to the Amish faith, they left with assurances Leah would be welcomed in the church when she was ready to join. She could safely be called upon in the morning during the Sunday service to ask for forgiveness and give her confession.

  After the men left, for the first time in more than a year, Maem gathered her in a hug and let her prodigal daughter cry on her shoulder.

  Daet called Leah’s brother and sister into the living room and told them the happy news. Laughter and smiling faces surrounded her again, but Leah’s tears never stopped flowing.

  Her heart was broken. She had betrayed her Christ.

  Never had her feet felt heavier than as she ascended the stairs to bed that night. And in the morning, she would make it official: no more grace for Leah, no more freedom, and no more lightened yoke. She was theirs again.

  The service the next morning followed its usual pattern. The preachers offered sermons, but this time used Leah as an example of why one should never leave the church. Each one read lengthy and dire letters from those who had left, and once in a while, they threw in a verse or two about obedience to parents and to the church. But through the entire service, no mention was made of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross and the grace so freely given for all sins.

  As she waited for the time in the service where she would be called forward, Leah prayed God would forgive her for her betrayal. She struggled to keep her tears at bay. The happiness shining on her family’s faces didn’t, in any way, penetrate her heart, and she was left feeling cold.

  Leah glanced across the room to where Jacob sat, and though she hadn’t had the chance to speak with him about yesterday, he seemed to realize what this day meant to her. He gave her a grave look, but then lifted his eyes to heaven—willing her to know God was still there for her. She closed her eyes and nodded.

  After Bishop Miller gave his sermon, Leah was finally called forward and asked to kneel. Before she could even take in what she was saying, the confession was over and the forgiveness by the church pronounced. Soon, they would encourage her to be baptized and join the church, and if Jacob and she wanted to be married, the classes to join would have to take place soon. No one could marry before joining. That was one way to get the youth to stay in the church. It was a long-standing and useful tradition.

  After the service, Leah stood at the front while the ladies came and gave her a holy kiss on each cheek, and the right hand of fellowship was given to her by the men. She was welcomed back, and many took the opportunity to whisper in her ear the sooner she joined and was baptized, the better it would be for all.

  Leah nodded over and over again.

  Finally, the service ended and she walked unsteadily to the porch for fresh air before the meal began. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out, watching the nippy air turn her warm breath into a visible white mist.

  Jacob managed to slip out behind her to give her a pat on the back.

  “You did fine. Don’t worry. It will all work out in the end.” He glanced around before he slipped his hand in hers. “One day, we’ll have more freedom to decide what to believe, Leah. I know this.”

  She nodded, giving him a watery smile. She didn’t want to spend this day crying, so she distracted herself by gazing over the frosted field that bowed its head under winter’s icy clasp.

  Like me in the grip of the Ordnung, nature has no choice but to accept the cold stranglehold of December’s bitter power.

  She silently thanked Jesus for showing her soul the warm spring of grace and forgiveness, instead of winter’s frozen law of justice. He gave her sinful soul what she didn’t deserve.

  “Jesus loves me, Jacob. I know this.”

  He nodded, and they stepped back inside together.

  The rest of the afternoon was spent talking and chatting with her church family. They opened their hearts to her again, but for some members, her sin was too much. They stayed at their tables and avoided her.

  Once dinner was over, she was relieved to go home with the family. They chattered happily as the buggy rolled behind Sparky over the snowy roads. Evidence of Christmas was seen in the windows of the English neighbors around their farm, and Leah remembered how happy the carols made her as she had listened to them on Sally’s car radio.

  She had the singing to look forward to tonight. Popcorn balls and taffy were planned for the jungen to make, and of course, Leah would be with Jacob on the long ride home. She was as happy as she could be, for now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  The morning after the confession, Leah was sitting down to breakfast when her thoughts turned automatically to her Bible. Reading Scripture each morning had become such a habit that she could hardly bear to miss it. But Jacob still had her little blue Bible. Leah wondered if she could go to town and buy herself another one, maybe one more discreet. With a black cover.

  As Maem came in to get a drink, Leah asked her if she needed to go into town yet before Christmas.

  “Yes, I could use a bit more flour if we’re going to make the pfeffernusse cookies.”

  Leah’s mouth watered at the thought of these traditional cookies with nuts and a mixture of pepper and spices.

  Maem glanced at Leah. “Would you feel comfortable handling Sparky? Ada can go along. And I think we could use more candy for the dishes and for Benny on Christmas morning.”

  “Sure, Maem.” Leah paused and decided to tell her the truth. “Maem, I’d like to find a King James Bible, you know, one old fashioned in translation. Just so I can read a verse or two in the mornings.”

  Maem turned to look at Leah, her eyes wide and worried.

  “It will be okay, right?” she rushed on. “I will only be reading it to myself and not to anyone else.”

  Maem shook her head. “This is not what our people do, Leah. You know we leave the interpretation of Scriptures to the man God has chosen to guide us. We only read the German Bible. I worry you’ll get yourself into trouble again by reading on your own and misinterpreting it.”

  “I promise, Maem, I’ll only read and not think too much about what I’m reading. It comforts me to read the Scriptures every day.”

  Maem didn’t say anything else, but the look on her face was clear. She didn’t want Leah to have a Bible.

  As she left the kitchen, she said, “I’ll ask Daet what he thinks, but this soon after coming home, it doesn’t look good to be doing this, Leah. Why you have to be so headstrong I don’t know—always trying too hard.” She went out muttering under her breath.

  Leah stood for a time in the kitchen and wondered what in the world she had just done. She shouldn’t have asked for a Bible of her own. Maybe, though, Daet would consent to read to the family after supper every night. He used to do that sometimes when they were all younger.

  Leah would ask him, but she already knew why he wouldn’t want to. He had struggled with the German words and, of course, knew very little of the actual meaning.

  She decided to get Ada and take the buggy into town, anyway. It would be fun to buy Christmas candy for Benny and the rest of them.

  When they got home later that day, Daet came into her room and threw a couple of books down on her desk.

  “Maem told me, right in front of Jacob, mind you, about you wanting to buy another Bible. That is out of the question. I found some good Amish books to read. You need to read something in the morning? You read these and leave the Scriptures to the bishop and the preachers. No more questions like that, you hear me?” He frowned as he held her gaze.

  Leah was surprised by Daet’s anger. She picked up the books: novels about obedient Amish girls, how they got married, had children, and lived a gut life.

  Okay, Daet. Message received.

  Leah fingered the books with a disheartened nod. She’d have to get used to being told what to read again. She stacked the books on her dresser, their presence an obvious reminder of Daet’s rebuke.

  A day before Christmas, Jacob came to the house and asked Daet if he could take her for a quick buggy ride. Leah knew what that meant; he wanted to give her a Christmas gift. In their family, it was traditional for them to make or buy one thing so each family member had a gift on Christmas morning, but they usually didn’t share gifts too much with others.

  Daet glanced Leah’s way. “Go ahead, but don’t stay out too long. It’s freezing out there.” He looked at Maem and grinned. In his look was hope for his daughter—hope his rebellious Leah just might be a gut Amish girl after all—if she got married soon.

  “When you come back, be sure to come in, Jacob, and have a cup of chocolate and some cookies, too,” Maem added.

  Outside, Jacob’s horse snorted a puff of warm air into the frigid atmosphere and stamped his hooves. Jacob helped Leah into the sleigh he had hooked up to Bingo and drew a thick lap robe over her. He climbed in, gave Bingo’s reins a slap, and they took off over the ice with a whoosh.

  The bells on Bingo’s halters jingled merrily, and peace and contentment covered her like the warm robe. She hadn’t felt this way since coming home. Jacob guided Bingo down a side lane, where the overhanging trees had been coated with shimmery ice diamonds and then frosted with white snow. It was breathtaking.

  “Ahh, Jacob. This is so pretty. Thank you for bringing me here.”

  Jacob, his cheeks, red-chapped from the wind, broke into a boyish grin. “You’re welcome.”

  Bingo pulled the sleigh toward a small area under one of the decorated trees, and Jacob halted him. He searched on the seat behind and took a brown-paper-wrapped package from a bag.

 

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