The Miting: An Old Order Amish Novel, page 21
Leah scurried to the bathroom, pulling a clean washcloth from the shelf. Warm water sluiced away the feelings of disappointment and disgust. The fresh scent of soap was soothing. She pulled a soft gown over her head, breathing in the unsullied smell of clean cloth. Padding barefoot to the bed, she pulled back the crisp sheets and blankets and picked up the phone to let her roommate know that she was already home.
As the pillow wrapped its spotless scent around her, she sighed. Never had Leah felt such thankfulness for this bed or for this room or for this house. She said a simple prayer of thanks for the Schrocks and for God’s protection over her during the party. She was exhausted and closed her eyes soon after she turned off the light. Just before she slipped into sleep, Leah imagined she heard Maem’s voice wishing her good night, and a deep sadness filled her heart.
Leah worked hard all spring, cleaning houses and studying for her GED. She was learning to drive and was trying to save as much money as she could toward a car. As the months had passed, she’d hoped to feel more at home in the English world, but with summer approaching, the familiar weight of loneliness and longing for her family settled on her shoulders. She added volunteering in the MAP offices once a week to fill her schedule, but she still had too much time to think about home.
To her surprise, a letter came for her a few weeks later. Her heart beat faster when she noted the return address from Jacob Yoder. He wrote! He finally wrote. Eagerly she tore open the envelope, dropping the torn edge to the floor in her haste to read.
Dear Leah,
I hope this letter finds you happy. I’m sorry it took me so long to answer your letter. I’ve had to do some thinking. I don’t have much time to write, and I’m not a writer anyway, but I want to let you know how much I miss you. Things are about the same here. Except you are gone. And that’s a world of difference. I hope to run into you sometime when I’m in town—and I sure wish I could drive out to see you. It seems especially hard since you’re not far away, but I don’t want to upset your new life. (I also know it may be too hard for me to leave you and drive back home. Ha!)
I ran into Martha in town after I got your letter. I told her where you were. I hope that was okay. She sure has a lot on her plate, but I’m guessing you know that by now.
Your daet and maem have not said much about you, but that’s not a surprise, is it? It seems to be how things are done when someone leaves. Ada is missing you, and so is little Benny. He doesn’t understand why you’re not at home anymore, and I’m not sure your parents have told him why you’re gone.
I also want you to know I read the gospel of John in an English Bible that was given to my little sister by the Gideons. If I can be trusted to understand what I read, I might see why you are thinking the way you are thinking. (Ignore my poor grammar! A country farmer is what I am, I guess, and what I’ll always be—not a gut writer.) Anyway, I have to go. I don’t want my parents catching me putting this in the mailbox. Take care of yourself, and I hope you think of me from time to time.
Jacob
Leah wiped tears as she read. The letter—so simple, yet so poignant—tore at her heartstrings. “Oh, Jacob! Why does it have to be this way?” She secured the precious letter in her dresser box and hurried to get ready for work. All day she wondered about Jacob. Would he think about joining her in the English world? Could there ever be a future for her with him? She tried to put the letter from her mind, choosing to focus on the here and now. If God had a plan for Jacob to be in her life, she prayed to be patient and open to the possibility.
One morning, Naomi drove Leah to the library to get a few books for her GED class.
“Okay, now that’s done, let’s go get some lunch,” said Naomi. “How about the Lynway? Ever been there?”
“No. I’ve seen it a time or two and heard about their famous pies.”
“Sounds good, doesn’t it?”
Leah grinned as they walked back to the car. She raised her face to catch a cool breeze. The sun was shining brightly, and she felt a lift in her heart for the first time in days.
Leah opened the door to slide in when she heard the familiar clopping of horse hooves. She glanced around in time to see a black buggy coming toward the library. Her hand froze on the handle of Naomi’s car as she recognized the caramel coloring and mannerisms of Sparky. Her gaze flew to the faces of those in the buggy: Maem, Ada, and Benny. Leah’s heart turned over. Before she realized what she was doing, she ran to the edge of the street and lifted her hand in a wild and happy wave.
At first, her family didn’t see her, but as they passed by, Leah saw Benny excitedly pointing to her. His eyes lit up, and he lifted his hand to wave back, but Maem quickly stopped him, pulling his hand down to his lap. She showed no recognition of her daughter whatsoever but kept her eyes straight ahead on Sparky’s haunches. Benny gave Maem a bewildered look and then dropped his head in shame. Ada glanced Leah’s way but made no further sign of acknowledgment—no wave, no smile, no anything.
Leah’s heart plummeted, and she burst into sobs. She watched the buggy roll on down the busy street as tears fell on her T-shirt. She hungrily kept sight of the black buggy until it was lost in traffic and no longer visible. By the time Naomi reached Leah, she was a mess. Naomi hugged her tightly, leading her back to the car.
Naomi turned the key and flipped the AC switch to send cool air through the car. She waited for Leah to regain her composure before she spoke.
“Leah, I had this same type of thing happen to me. It hurt so much and made me ache for my family. It also made me mad they were willing to leave me behind—like they’d totally forgotten me. That’s what it felt like anyway.”
Leah sniffed.
“But what I had to remember was they weren’t trying to hurt me. They were really concerned I was going to go to hell, and they believed it with all their hearts. In their minds, being cruel to me through shunning was worth it if it brought me back—kept my soul from going to hell, made me come home. Rejoin the Amish church. Live my life Amish and then die and go to heaven. You know?”
“I know,” Leah replied. “But it hurts to see my little brother and sister and Maem—” she shook her head. “She always loved me—always. I can’t imagine doing that to my daughter.”
“It does hurt, and, in some ways, it never stops hurting.”
Leah tried to imagine Naomi being young and lost without her family. She wondered how she lived with the meidning all these years. “Do you still miss your family, Naomi?”
“Yes. It’s been twenty years, and my parents have passed on now, but my sisters have figured out a way to see me without getting in too much trouble with their bishop. They let me come to visit now that Daet and Maem are gone.”
“It’s been that long since you left?”
Naomi nodded. “Yes. My family has missed so much of my life. I think I was most hurt that my parents were never grandparents to my children. They didn’t watch them grow up. That made me angry once in a while, but we did have a family from our church who ‘adopted’ us. They were there for us right from the beginning. That helped. They took us in and made us a part of their family.”
Leah stared out the window. “Did you ever think about going back?”
“Sure. Often. And as you’ve heard, Matthew and I tried to go back—but it just didn’t work. As time went on, I grew more adjusted to being English, and above that, I just couldn’t go back to living under the Ordnung. I knew I couldn’t give up on God.”
Again, Leah nodded, fully understanding the mix of emotions.
“Are you okay?” Naomi asked gently.
Leah gave her a watery smile, but in her heart, the pain was still so strong she felt as though she must be bleeding. The sharp sadness of rejection stabbed more than she could have possibly guessed, and for the first time in a long while, that old familiar anger started to burn again.
Leah was mad at the bishop, mad at the church, and even mad at Maem and Daet. After all, if they loved her, they would stand up for her. Wouldn’t they? How could parents turn against their own child? She shook her head in confusion as Naomi put the car in gear.
Then Naomi added an insight that struck Leah deeply. “One thing: don’t let bitterness and anger toward your family or even toward the Amish church take root in your heart. I know for a fact it isn’t worth the trouble and pain it can cause you.” She glanced at Leah. “From this day on, ask the Lord to help you release it and let it go.”
She was silent. Leah wasn’t sure she could do that yet.
Naomi continued, “Leah, take my advice to heart as from one who knows what it can do to bottle up those feelings and feed that anger. Ask God to take it from you. He cares. He wants you to live in peace. He didn’t call you out to live for Him in grace and mercy, and at the same time, to carry anger and bitterness in your heart. It will steal your peace and your joy.”
“But how can I get over this? My own mother has turned her back on me!”
“I know. It hurts, but Jesus can help you as He has helped me. We’ll start to pray He’ll do just that, okay?”
Leah nodded and leaned back in the seat. She shut her eyes, immediately praying for peace. Peace that suddenly seemed elusive and far away. The ache in her heart kept hurting, and all the way home, silent tears squeezed out and ran down her cheeks.
It was harder now, more than ever, to think of a future without her family in it. She could not picture herself being happy again without them. She’d imagined that as time passed her family would come around, but now Leah knew just how strongly they felt and how difficult it would be for them to accept her new life. God, help me learn to live with this—please.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The sunny hot days of summer moved in, and on top of her worry over Martha, Leah was thinking more and more about her family. She couldn’t get out of her mind the image of little Benny as Maem jerked his hand to his lap. The look on his face, his disappointment and shame, made Leah sad every time she thought of it. Anger toward Maem increased; anger toward all of them. And then came a letter from home. As Leah opened it, her hands trembled. She recognized Daet’s handwriting.
Daughter Leah,
Many times I thought to write this, but every time I tried, I could not find the words. Bishop Miller thinks it is good to send this to you. We want to tell you that it is not too late to shake off Satan’s deceptive hand from your shoulder. Come home. Your Maem cries for you. Your brothers and sister also would like you to be back in the family fold. Don’t stay on this path too long, or you may find yourself dragged to the depth of Satan’s den and then, if your soul is required of you before you have the chance to return to the Amish, you will be lost for all eternity. Heed your wise Daet’s warning before it is too late. Until you come home for good, it is best for you to not come home at all.
Leah dropped the letter, the pain it carried burning her fingers like fire. The words only intensified her deep loneliness. To bear Daet’s censure, his order to not come home until she wore the kapp and dress of the Amish, broke her spirit as well as her heart. Despair wrapped its heavy mantle over her shoulders. It was nearly impossible to shake off its weight—even when she reminded herself that Jesus promised a light burden to those who followed Him.
She tried hard to study instead, but some of the English words made no sense. Every test, every lesson took more concentration than she could give. She was grumpy and short with her roommate and with the Schrocks. Naomi wisely kept quiet and offered no more advice, but Leah was building a wall, and distance was mounting between her host family and herself. She thought seriously about going back home.
At breakfast one morning, she was eating with the family when Matthew said a prayer for the food. He then asked the Lord to bless Leah with peace, calm, and acceptance of her family’s actions. Leah’s cheeks warmed as a slow burn grew.
How can he say that? How could I ever accept that kind of thing?
After the prayer, she made her disapproval known when she took a drink of coffee and set down the cup forcefully.
Matthew glanced at her. “Is there something you want to say?”
She pressed her lips together firmly, trying to keep from speaking, but bitterness couldn’t be suppressed.
“Yes!” she blurted through tears. “You have no business praying that kind of prayer for me. It makes me feel like you think my family’s rejection is a minor problem. It isn’t! It hurts, and you’ve forgotten that feeling or you wouldn’t say such a thing.”
Matthew quietly regarded her. Finally, he spoke. “Leah, my daet’s rejection of me still has the power to make me feel small—even after all these years. There’s no way I can forget the pain, but I know what a waste it is to let the anger and sting of it control my life.”
Leah shook her head, tired of listening to this same message, first from Naomi and now from Matthew.
“Is it worth it?” she asked Matthew. “Is it? Shouldn’t I go back and try to get them to see the Lord through me instead of abandoning everything they know and respect?”
Leah was trembling with guilt and loneliness.
Matthew let her express her feelings, but Leah could tell he didn’t agree with her position. She continued, unable to stop the emotion pouring from her. “You know, I used to think there was no living with my family after I was born again,” she persisted. “But I haven’t even tried to be back with them since I started on this road. Maybe if I join the church and settle in, they’ll have more respect for my faith. Maybe they’ll see the new way I’m thinking and the happiness the Lord has brought me.”
Matthew glanced away and blew out his breath. “Leah, this is the same thing I thought when I asked my wife to move back into our Amish community after we left. And you know what? It just didn’t work. We wanted it to; we really did, but the bishops and the Ordnung didn’t have room for us and our faith. I wish I could say things have changed, but you know change is not something the Old Order or Swartzentruber Amish embrace. Not at all.”
“But—”
Matthew put up his hand. “I don’t want you to think I’m insisting you stay out, but I want you to be aware of what it will be like if you return. Obeying the forefathers, the bishop, and the Ordnung were the top priorities when we went back all those years ago, and they still are today.”
“I know.” She sighed, quiet for a minute or two while she thought about what Matthew said. Still, Leah couldn’t help but wonder if she might be missing the chance to lead her family to true salvation and grace. Maybe change was possible, and she was the one to help. The guilt over disobeying her parents and deserting her sister and brothers was overwhelming, and Leah wasn’t sure if she’d last another week.
“You’ve made a life-changing decision, and we can’t sit here and tell you that you must do this or you must do that,” Naomi said, glancing at Matthew. “We couldn’t do it at first, either, Leah. Youthful desires to belong and be part of a loving family are powerful emotions. Knowing you’ve lost your parents’ love is so painful, it can’t even be explained or anticipated. You just have to feel it and experience it and then do what you can to stand.”
She made a circular motion between herself and Matthew. “We still have times when we wish we could go back, but the burden of following the Ordnung is too heavy to carry, Leah. We’ll be praying that you will discover what God wants for you because He wants only the best. He is the only Father who will love you purely and without selfish thought.”
Leah put her head down and sat still. She knew the Schrocks were right.
“I have work to do, so I’d better get to it,” Matthew said. He rose and walked to the door. He paused, looking back with an understanding expression. “I’ll be praying for you, Leah.”
Leah woke on Sunday morning in the middle of a dream. She stretched lazily and lay still, remembering the feel of Sparky’s leather reins in her hands. In the dream, she drove her brother and sister to town, all of them laughing the way they used to before she left. It was so real she felt she could see Benny and Ada beside her.
“Leah?” called Hannah through the door. “I’m leaving for church soon. Do you want to go this morning?”
She decided it wouldn’t hurt to go and pray about her situation with fellow believers. “I’ll ride with the Schrocks, Hannah.”
She hopped out of bed and grabbed a dress from the closet. It took twenty minutes to shower and dry her hair. She was ready to go just as the Schrocks were walking out the door.
The ride to church seemed longer than usual. Leah zoned out and didn’t listen to the conversation going on around her. The heavy feeling in her chest weighed her down as she stared at the passing scenery. They were getting close to the area where her parents lived. She kept her eyes glued to the lanes and roads as they crossed each one, but she didn’t see Sparky prancing along as she’d hoped.
I don’t even know if this is the off-week from church. I’m so out of touch with everything I used to know. Realizing this added to her misery.
For the first time since starting at the little community church the Schrocks attended, Leah couldn’t wait for the singing and the preaching to be over. She was restless and wanted a chance to kneel at her seat to pray. She tried praying silently, but she couldn’t concentrate and couldn’t block the sound of the music and the pastor’s voice.
Guilt pursued her. Guilt about thinking of leaving the Schrocks after all they’d done for her. Guilt for trying to ignore the service, and most of all guilt that she had abandoned her family in the first place.
At the invitation to pray, she knelt at the pew, dropping her head on her arms. She poured out her feelings to God, but by the end of the prayer, Leah still felt miserable and lonely.
Sunday dinner was tense. Hannah kept her distance and quietly went about her business. Leah watched an old movie for an hour, but the restless feelings grew.
At home, she would be relaxing with the family by now. If it was a church day, she’d be getting ready to go to the Sunday night singing. The desire to see Jacob Yoder rose in her heart, and she fought a longing to run home. She almost couldn’t stop herself from packing her things and walking out the door.
