The Miting: An Old Order Amish Novel, page 26
As she climbed the stairs, she thought of what the rest of her time would be like here at home. She had not imagined they would still be nursing the old wound. She had not imagined time could only have deepened the break and filled it with pain and bitterness. This was not the homecoming Leah wanted, but she thought back to Naomi’s counsel: things got worse for her and Matthew once they’d gone back. Would it be the same for Leah? Where was the love her parents had for her?
Her sister, too. They had been so close, and she had sent her a Christmas postcard! How had the past year erased all the time they’d shared growing up? It was as though her family’s love had been washed away with the rulings of the church. True, Leah had no idea what had been said about her in the months past. For all she knew, her family hadn’t expected to see her again.
Leah opened the door to her old bedroom, knowing she’d find it stripped bare of all but the bed and the chest. She carried her measly possessions and unpacked them carefully into two drawers of the chest. Leah went across the room to the window and lifted the purple curtain. No light from the moon illuminated the outside and, not having been offered so much as a candle, her dark room brought shadows down on her head like a shroud. She leaned against the cold frosty glass.
“Lord, have I done the wrong thing? How can I witness to my family of Your grace and mercy when they won’t even speak to me?”
A tear slid down her cheek, and she wiped it away. She went back to the bed and sat on the edge—still as a statue.
Would Jacob bother to come and see her? She had no idea who would befriend her or who would still shun her. She hadn’t yet joined the church and look at the treatment she was getting! If she joined and then disappointed them all, would she be put under the ban?
Shuddering at the thought of meeting Bishop Miller again, Leah went to the chest and searched the dark drawers for the flannel fabric of her nightgowns. She took off her kapp and apron and carefully removed each pin before pulling the dress off over her head. She shook out the soft folds of the flannel and pulled the comforting fabric over her body. Leah hung her clothes on pegs in the empty closet.
She crawled beneath the chilly covers, grateful her Maem had at least kept bedding in the room. She’d forgotten how cold this upper room was in the winter, despite the banked fire in the stove below.
Leah couldn’t sleep. Though her body ached with fatigue, her mind churned with questions and fear. She’d never felt such worry. Not even when she sat in the general store those many months ago and waited for Naomi to pick her up. She’d known nothing of the Englisher ways then, but the fear had been mixed with anticipation of what her future might hold in the English world. She felt none of that anticipation now.
She snuggled deeper into her blankets and wished she’d thought to get her Bible out of the dresser, too.
Never mind—it’s too dark to read anyway, and I am so very tired. Lord, please don’t leave my side. If I’ve made the wrong decision, please help me know what to do.
Her last thoughts before she fell asleep were about the bishop—what would he say to Leah tomorrow?
Leah woke with a knock at the door, and as she opened her eyes, she could see the sun’s rosy hues beginning to spread over the sky. Again a soft knock. Ada’s voice carried through the door.
“Leah? Maem and Daet are waiting in the kitchen. The bishop will be here soon. They want you to come down quickly.”
Leah jumped out of bed and hurried to open the door, eager to talk with Ada, but Ada made a hasty retreat to her bedroom, casting a fearful glance at Leah before she quickly shut the door. Leah walked across the hallway.
“Why won’t you speak to me, Ada?”
When no response came, Leah said softly, “Thank you for the wintery postcard. I loved it and still carry it with me.”
Inside her sister’s room, she heard a muffled sound—a sob?
“I’m back, aren’t I? And willing to talk with the bishop and do everything the church and Maem and Daet want me to do. Can we talk?”
Silence.
Leah went back to her room and prepared for the bishop. She made sure her hair was tucked under the kapp as cleanly as possible and tried very hard to get the dress and apron on straight and wrinkle free, though she couldn’t keep her hands from trembling. She wanted the bishop and her parents to know how seriously she planned to take her homecoming.
Butterflies danced in Leah’s stomach, and she fought panic as she descended the steep steps. She breathed a silent prayer to God, and then thought she should have read some Scripture before going in for the interview. Just thinking about the blue Bible resting in her bottom drawer—hidden though it was—brought more churning to her stomach. She was already disobeying one of the rules.
As Leah entered the kitchen, the smell of freshly brewed coffee greeted her, and she was suddenly hungry. She hesitated at the doorway when she spied a small round table pushed into the corner of the kitchen. The bishop pointed to it and motioned for her to be seated there. Though she really wanted to help herself to a cup of coffee first, she sat where he indicated and quietly folded her hands on the tabletop. Leah waited for the bishop to begin the interview.
Maem brought the men their coffee and seated herself carefully at the far end of the table, leaving several chairs between herself, Daet, and Bishop Miller. She didn’t glance at her daughter once and didn’t offer her a cup of coffee, either. A long-subdued, familiar ribbon of anger uncurled itself inside Leah’s heart.
Will I ever learn to control this resentment after every little snub or offense?
Leah watched Maem pour a thin milky stream into her coffee—watched her stir it slowly with the spoon—watched as she accidentally made eye contact with Leah when she raised the cup to her lips. Her hands shook, and she glanced away, then down at the table again.
The silence in the room grew heavy. The bishop finally cleared his throat as he took a last sip.
Leah checked the mounting feelings of bitterness and tried to keep her mind open to his message. She didn’t know how in the world she would be able to stay home for any length of time if she couldn’t get rid of the emotions that surfaced when she faced the bishop. Even the offense aimed at her parents was something she knew she needed to contain. Their snubs and slights wounded her tender heart more than she ever thought they could. And the wounds seemed to quickly turn sour.
Lord, help me be humble before the man who is here to advise me today.
“Leah, you’ve done a grave and serious harm to your family over this past year. Are you aware of that?”
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
“Ja, and you’ve made some terrible choices that have moved you from the safety of your family and church to the world and all its sinful and harmful ways. Ja?”
Again Leah nodded.
“We need to see where this worldly and sinful living has left your soul. We have to figure out if you’re homecoming is genuine and if you’re truly ready to ask forgiveness from your family, your church, and your community.”
Bishop Miller’s eyes bored a hole into her as she squirmed under his searing gaze. Sensing he was waiting for a verbal response, she lifted her head and cleared her throat before offering any response.
“Yes. I mean, I’m ready to say I renounce the world and its ways.”
He nodded, but his eyes held distrust.
Why did I think this would be easy?
“And I want to hear the things you did while you were out there. Your Maem and Daet tell me they saw you driving a car. Is this true?”
“Yes.”
“And you attended an Englisher church regularly?”
“Yes.”
“And I heard from Martha you have an Englisher Bible.”
Leah didn’t answer him, too shocked that Martha had revealed this to the bishop. She forced herself to look Bishop Miller in the eyes, but she did not answer his question.
“Answer him, Leah!” demanded Daet.
She maintained her silence. I can’t lie, but I can’t give up my Bible.
Daet and the bishop exchanged a long look, and out of the corner of her eye, Leah saw Maem wringing her hands as her eyes swung from the men to Leah and back again.
Finally, Bishop Miller stood. He sighed and ran his hands through his scraggly beard. “I can see there’s still some stubbornness in this daughter, John. Let her think about her answer for a few days, and then we’ll talk again.”
He glanced at the table in the corner. “In the meantime, I think we’d best let her sit to herself a few meals to think over the way she wants things around here.”
He turned to Leah. “You and I will talk before the next church service. I suggest you think long and hard about what you want and what your confession will be.”
He nodded his good-byes to her parents and left.
Leah sat motionless, waiting for Daet or Maem to say something, but they both went about their breakfast preparations as though she was not in the room.
So it was going to be like this again? How did I ever think this would be a joyous reunion?
Leah got up and walked out of the kitchen, through the living room, and to the front door. She turned the knob and stepped onto the porch, the brisk December air biting her lungs and the winter wind chasing her skirt, chilling her inside and out. She needed a few minutes to herself—she needed to think.
She suddenly realized this must be an off Sunday, since the bishop expected to see her again before the next service. She stared across the road. The frost-laden fields were silent, though she spotted a timid rabbit making its way toward the shelter of the fence line where the tall grasses clumped together. The Amish farmers left the grass standing to encourage the animals to winter over. The mice and other critters ate the insects that came out in the spring and gave the crops a little extra help to get started.
My Amish family and friends are so wise, Lord, in so many ways, but they know little about the freedom You offer in Christ.
She breathed a prayer for her family. Leah wanted to be a part of them again, but the way things were going, she had little hope they’d ever forgive her or forget her past sins. Could they learn to treat her as they once had?
Tears slipped down her face, but she wiped them away, frustrated at the pain they represented. She had to be strong. She had to make this work. She had to think of a way to get herself right with the church and her family … without sacrificing her faith.
Leah went back in the house and gathered eggs, bacon, and bread to make her own breakfast. Her sister and brother were at the table with Maem and Daet, and on the little round table in the corner, Maem had placed a cup, plate, and silverware.
Leah glanced at the family, but they kept their eyes on their breakfast. Humiliation burned her cheeks.
Pride. It’s a matter of controlling my pride, Lord. Help me be humble. Help me accept this punishment with grace.
She prepared her breakfast quickly and in silence, then took the food to the little table in the corner. She sat down, bowed to pray, and then ate. From time to time she glanced at her family, painfully aware of being left out.
But I chose to come back. I chose to be here, knowing it would most likely be this way. Now I have to endure it. She squared her shoulders and soldiered on. It’s only a matter of time. I can do this. I will do this.
The isolation was broken for her when Benny leaned his head around Ada’s body and grinned. He gave a quick wink. Leah’s heart melted, and she winked back at him.
Her world felt a little lighter. Oh, how she wished all of them could be as forgiving as Benny!
By Monday morning, Leah had decided she had to do something with her time. Ada and Maem discussed the Christmas cookies they planned to bake later in the afternoon. Of course, no invitation was offered to Leah.
“Daet, I wondered if I could go to the shop and sweep for you this morning.”
The back of his neck turned red, but he nodded slightly. At least she’d be able to help out, and she might get to see Jacob today, too. She was more than curious how he would greet her.
“Benny, time to go to school,” reminded Maem. “Hurry and finish your breakfast. Your lunch is on the counter. Now, go on.”
Benny jumped up, rushing around to grab books, coat, and hat. Leah smiled at the one thing that hadn’t changed in the morning routine. Before he ran out the door, Benny skittered to her table in the corner and, to her delighted surprise, gave her a sloppy kiss and a little-boy hug.
“Thanks, Benny,” she whispered against his floppy blond hair. “Have a good day at school.”
Soon only Leah and Ada were left in the kitchen. Maem had asked Ada to finish drying the last of the dishes, while Leah waited for the sink to be free in order to wash hers. Daet went to the shop to start work for the day, and Maem took herself off to her housework.
Ada refused to look at her sister, and finally, not able to stand her silence anymore, Leah started talking.
“Ada, I wish I knew why you won’t speak to me. I mean, I can understand Maem and Daet have to listen to the bishop, but you and I … can’t we go back to the way it was between us?”
Ada remained silent, but a tiny shake of her head made Leah’s frustration grow.
“You act like I’m the only Amish girl in the world who’s ever moved away for a time. Remember the fun we used to have at Christmas? The cooking and baking and all the secret presents we made for each other? Remember?”
A smile flitted across Ada’s face, betraying her feelings. Maybe a tiny smile is enough for the day.
Forging ahead, Leah said softly, “Ada, I’m still your sister. And maybe—when I’ve made things right with the bishop—maybe then you’ll forgive me.”
Leah watched her younger sister finish her task silently. Ada wiped her hands on a linen towel, then quickly left the kitchen.
After Leah washed and dried her own breakfast dishes, she hurried to her room to get her bed made. To have a job and a way to pass the time was a great relief, but Leah couldn’t say she was looking forward to being in the shop with her reticent Daet all day.
Inside, no one was stirring and no sounds of work were heard. She moved to the desk and found a note propped on the account book stacked there.
Leah, I’ve gone to deliver an order in the next town. Sweep and mop out the shop and see if you can straighten the accounts. Daet.
Okay. At least this would keep her busy the whole day and maybe into tomorrow, too. Maybe if I work hard, Daet will thaw toward me, just a little.
She went to the storage closet and got out the big broom and mop with bucket.
“Might as well get to it right away,” she murmured.
She filled the bucket with water and swept up the curls of wood and soft shavings littering the length of the building. It felt good to be useful.
As she swept, Leah was reminded of her job with Sally. She made a mental note to send her a letter as soon as she could today, explaining she’d gone home. Leah hadn’t been scheduled to work until Saturday. When Sally unexpectedly offered her a few evenings off, she had no idea that she’d be spending them at home. Hopefully, Sally would have her letter in time to get someone else to fill her position.
Leah spent that week working with Daet in the shop. Though he never talked to her directly, his attitude improved each day. He knew Leah had a good work ethic and still appreciated that. He even smiled at her a couple of times but then turned quickly away. Sometimes, Leah caught the pain in his eyes. This was her only indication that he, too, felt some sorrow over having to shun his eldest daughter.
Leah knew that her parents and the bishop thought not only of her past behavior but how she might influence her brother and sister in the future. In the eyes of the church, Leah had been rebellious—and this rebellion could have dire consequences if it led her siblings down the same path. And that path would lead to hell. She tried very hard to see this whole situation from their point of view.
Maybe if I can understand their motivation, I can better endure this season of punishment.
But deep in her heart, she wondered how anyone could be so harsh to someone they loved.
On Saturday afternoon, Jacob finally came in the shop. From her experiences with others who had come to the house over the past few days, she knew better than to rush to greet him, but it didn’t stop her from smiling at him when Daet wasn’t looking. When Jacob retuned her smile, Leah’s heart soared. He chatted with her as though nothing had changed. Daet watched them, and Leah sent sidelong glimpses at Daet, too. She couldn’t decide if he was happy to see Jacob’s acceptance of her or worried that their relationship had not changed.
Finally, Daet’s lips tilted ever so slightly upward and he hurried to the door. “I’m heading in for lunch. You two keep each other company.”
Leah broke off her conversation with Jacob, a slow grin spreading over her face. Eyebrows raised, she turned astonished eyes to Jacob.
Jacob came to sit on the tall stool by the counter with his lunch bag. He snorted when she told him she was surprised Daet left them alone together.
“Your Daet’s hoping I can convince you to renounce your new faith during the church service tomorrow.”
Her smile froze. “What?”
Jacob shrugged. “I don’t have a problem with your faith, Leah, but I know what the bishop wants and what your parents and the elders want. They hope your, um … attraction for me will convince you to give up your sinful notions about being born again.”
“Who’s saying these things to you?” she demanded.
“Oh, everybody, I guess.” Jacob’s brown eyes were soft and free of any kind of judgment. It was emotional for Leah to hear what was expected of him.
“I’m sorry, Jacob.” She shook her head in confusion and shame. “I never thought things would get this bad.”
“I know. It’s our church. They’re pretty strict. When you left, I snuck away a few times to other churches.”
Leah’s eyebrows rose. “You did?”
