City, Sister, Silver, page 52
Stay the rest a the season an you can make yourself some cash … my new pal said … I been out here eight months now … need a break. Out here … everyone’s leavin for the city. Nobody wants to do this. It’s over, puttin em out to pasture now. That or they slaughter em.
During the day there was mist in the valleys below. But at night sometimes I saw lights, just these indistinct sort of flashes, I asked Tomáš about it.
Nothin down there. Past that’s Bukovina. Galicia, ever heard of it? Hasn’t been anything down here for ages. Yeh, he waved to the north, you mighta run into the Milkman up there, useta be villages. Then the bolsheviks said they were buildin a dam an evacuated everyone. Never even built the thing, probly wanted to get rid a those people is all, bastards. May they an those engineers a theirs rot in hell. Understand, the Ruthenians’d been livin up there with their own customs forever. Bolsheviks came along an slapped their National Committees on top of em, but the Ruthies just kept on goin same as ever. Didn’t even learn the language. Eight villages. An they were self-sufficient. Well, you get the drift … when their power got cut off, they lit candles. Didn’t have fridges anyway. Didn’t give a damn. Only thing they ever came down for was vodka. Rather cook their own stuff. All that’s ancient history. Yep, they were Christians, you saw the crosses on the graves … but hey, in the woods around here! You watch your ass. An they all had shotguns, poachers. All the fronts rolled through here. Benderites* too. An there were partisans from the Uprising* here right up to the fifties. Started lockin em up after the war. It was all mixed out here. An that over there, the Cow Boss waved, that’s Lupkow Pass … mighta heard of it … not in the textbooks. Germans marched through once on their way into Ukraine, an once on their way out. What was left of em. Then the Russkies an then our guys. Sposedly an entire army clean disappeared. People saw em comin, they hid … oh yeah, they hid from all of em. With their cattle too. Just ask old Varhola! what it was like in the caves … an when they crawled out, not a soul. They say a whole army corps sank into the swamps, that’s a crock. You wouldn’t believe the stories the locals tell, things goin on underground. Not too many left though. Cops were still scared out here in the sixties. Only reason anyone comes out here now’s to escape. Yep an then … a dam, hah! Yeah, doesn’t surprise me the Milkman told you, that guy was obsessed. Churches all got blown up. Varhola says it was one a them, a Ruthenian, ran the whole thing. Then the Zmijak came an took him. Those’re the kina fairy tales they got out here. Say this Zmijak lives underground. My first few days out here I didn’t feel too good an I was drinkin a lot. An with all that talk a theirs, I saw him too. Know what helps? I mean if you’re not useta solitude an trees … an stuff. I picked that bush over there an got used to it. It was spooky at night sometimes, like a head. Like somethin. But then I got used to it an it was fine. An when it was a head, I’d say to myself, yeah, so? An it was fine. You don’t mind me talkin all the time? It’s a novelty havin someone around.
No.
You might think this is old stuff, but time out here is … preserved. You don’t mind me talkin about it?
No.
It suited Tomas that I liked running up the hill. He knew what it was like already. The cows did their grazing on the slopes above the hill, and when the dogs drove them into the corral the herder had to stand there and pay attention. Because some of those clunkers were so dense they would’ve just kept going. Once they’d bothered to start. I nearly fled the first time the herd came thundering down, all horns and hoofs … the cows’ bodies, the sun in my eyes, I was scared they would sweep me away, and Suka chasing after them, and Shorty … he was still learning, from time to time he’d catch a hoof and tumble head over heels, catch one in the skull … but he was a tenacious mutt.
Old Varhola gave me him … said he’d hafta put him under otherwise … know how I started out here? I come walkin up to the old man with my backpack on, lookin forward to the natural life, an the guy doesn’t even talk practically, just cocksucker this an cocksucker that … an, man, on a stump there’s a TV set. Runnin on batteries, nonstop. So I ask … what’s this yellow flower here, sir? … an he’s … cocksuckin yeller flower … an goes an kicks Shorty here in the head … I’m standin there like, aw no, this is what I ran away from … an then I find out, two days back the pooch stole his meat. So I go, that dog doesn’t even remember that now. An Varhola’s like: Whudda yew know, yew heap a dung! So I shut up. Shorty really is a thief, though. I don’t beat him, but the second I leave … he’s a goner.
I stood on the hill, stick in hand, for appearance’ sake … and the cows streamed past me, the first ones still at a dignified pace, then the middle of the herd, moving faster, and finally the last ones … Suka had fun rounding up the stragglers … and Shorty, what a clown … barking and snapping, rolling around in the grass … and the cows lumbered past me, snorting and snuffling … Git along, big girl, git along, little girl, ho there, Whitey, get a move on, Bessie, an you too, Sonya, ho there! ho! … and they rumbled past me, spotted and brown, handsome Mona and cunning Mordvina, little Bekta, and Beka too, lolling an eye my way and chewing … and chewing … cows, nice cows, git along there now … yep, cows don’t ask why, all they do’s chew, get wet when they’re expectin their bull, nothin against em though … beautiful cows … hola ho, go cows go, git, Mahulena, move your bones, Stáza, keep it rollin, Polka, Žveka … ho, hop to it, ladies, ur-Slav mothers … slide along now, Goddess, you too, Huna, ho Donna, let’s go! hey there, Okta, c’mere, Muna, I slapped the cow’s behind, she whipped her tail … into my eye, it was symbiotic, I was recuperating … leave her be, Shorty, or I’ll take a stone to you. I put myself in tune with the hillside to keep the cows from falling off. Shorty would’ve chased them over the side … and sometimes I had to close my eyes as the pain inside me melted … where is she? Traitor. And who betrayed who, I said to myself, and it was unbearable.
Where’s my gun?
On the shelf. Behind the books.
I gotta go.
You’re crazy! Potok … what’ve you got to look forward to? Elevators? Video games? Don’t be a jerk, there’s plenty of time. Got any cash?
No.
Then wait. I’m goin down for a week. You can take over for me, I was watchin yesterday. Suka let you pet her. So it’s cool.
What good’s a week?
I wanna have a drink. Go to the movies. An there’s a whorehouse in Usanica. That’s right, eight months now. Last winter I was up at this one chalet. An sposedly there’s girls out in Kysunica too, or whatever it’s called. Know anything about it?
No. Drop it.
When he left, I didn’t need to get used to any bush. I slept out by the corral, with the cows, it did me good.
I was totally empty, alone. And at night … after the beauty of the roundup I’d have dreams. They came to me from the valley. Every night, before I fell asleep, I saw the lights down there.
When Old Varhola went for supplies, Tomas gave me some cash and an old jumpsuit. A clean one.
I’ll buy the pistol offa you … sometimes wolves come out this way. From Poland. How bout it?
I want it. Only one left in it anyway.
I could come up with more. Well, have it your way. Later!
Thanks. Later.
And I left another way station behind. Now I knew where I wanted to go: to the place with the sign and into the cellar. I knew that the pile of coal wouldn’t be there anymore. But the old time might be. I’d lost Černá. I’m always losing myself, with each move of my heart. But the pistol’s cool butt kept my belly warm and I hadn’t forgotten anything.
Maybe if we had met each other sooner … back then in Berlun … when I first saw the end … stood next to death.
Černá, she’d been there too around that time, like lots of people I knew, hung around the same places as me. I asked her once what she’d done there. She laughed. What else … I sang, an stuff. Where at? Around. Maybe we saw each other. Yeah, maybe. I’d say I saw you there.
But the time we’d had together was so jam-packed that to ask all those questions … I just didn’t care.
I sat on the train, riding … toward the place. The old place with the sign. And maybe I’d see her there again … one last time? Hear her voice? Or aren’t you guiding me anymore? She-Dog?
Because it happened to me in Berlun. I’ll be brief. The Kanak Empire had fallen. One made it to America, two coupled on paper and took off for Australia, another got lost in the subway and was never seen again … someone bet on the Foreign Legion, someone else burgled flats till they nabbed him, Rosie signed up for classes at the university, and another buddy sank so low on drugs and booze he was practically an animal … then the borders cracked beyond repair and lots of them went back … home. One became an entrepreneur and another one wrote a novel, there’s even new kids bein born.
Me and Kopic were standing around … down to our last two marks, the roulette had gone bust … oof, how’re you gonna explain this at home? I worried … some of it I’ll tell, some of it I won’t, let’s go, he said … we bought two peel-off tickets for the Bundeslotterie … legs and fingers shaking … I can’t believe it, Kopic whispered … I won a Yamaha! Congratulations, wait ein moment, bitte … carefully I peeled back the corner of my ticket like silver folio … Kopic! I got a Kawasaki!
We rode through town, solemn and somber on our new machines, our time here was finished, it was obvious, we parted with Kreuzberg, other crosses and crossroads awaited, this place was changing … then I remembered the photos Chiharu and Shimako had of their native realm, including the temples … and noticed the faces on our machines were slanted like Shinto demon faces, the same aesthetic … better sell em, Kopic agreed … and we were back to being loaded again.
Kopic got hold of some brand-new documents, and he and his family set out … for the border … I heard there’s a sign, Kopic said: Welcome to Free Czechoslovakia! Wouldn’t wanna miss that … it’s new … you gonna stick around still? Look for the Queen? Yeah, she got me, but don’t ever talk about her in public, there’s no point. Aright, aright … and I stayed by myself in another flat that belonged to somebody else. And one day … to shorten the chain of events … I got thrown out, so I’m bummin around the train station, keepin a lookout … and I spot a familiar set of crooked legs, that bouncing stride … ça va? Chiharu! ça va! … it was a reunion, we even hugged, and there was no end to the questions and clarifications … the one thing she sadly declined to mention was her pal, and then something grew in her eyes, an idea, apparently … she asked what I was doing … Rien! I gasped happily. Notwithstanding the fact that the cash from the bike was scattering left and right. Getting rid of chuckles I love, it’s comin up with em I don’t like. I prefer my money to appear miraculously.
The next day she offered me a gig, I consented, a little camerawork, no problem! But … it began to smell fishy the moment I arrived … first a little cup of tea, get nice and relaxed … said Chiharu in a kimono … so that’s what you meant by cinematography, aha. And after the tea, as I expected … relaxation gave way to madness, I didn’t care about the guys runnin around with lights and cameras. And that tea of theirs was so strong and exotic, it’s quite possible I didn’t know exactly what I was taking part in. In a tight tangle of bodies, once your pupils are exposed and subjected to the air and the action, you mostly only look in one direction anyway, what’s going on around you is like behind a wall. But you can hear it, of course.
Yeah, sick stuff. I believe that if I’d been harboring any feelings for a girl at that point I would’ve felt alienated, to say the least. But apparently I’d entered a weary period. The kind of depression where you search in the gloom for the fleetingest glimmer of any sort of excitement at all to give you the feeling that you’re still alive.
Besides … insofar as I vaguely recall, it’s entirely possible that by then I didn’t like anyone at all. Least of all myself. I was searching for my Queen … and I already mentioned the kind of woman … the lady in black … I’d met at the whorehouse … mistakenly I assumed that after what I’d seen there, I wouldn’t be sensitive to horrors like that anymore.
I didn’t know yet that the levels of the body’s hell are infinite. That the torture never stops, as one classic says. I was a mere youth, after all.
After one particularly impressive round of gymnastics, Chiharu brought in a delightful little creature and the whole thing started up again.
The one thing I don’t get, I told my celluloid initiator … is I’m not exactly a discobolus … my bod’s nothin to be proud of … doesn’t matter, she assured me, this one’s special, just wait’ll the end … we still spoke Kanak, only now that it was just us it didn’t sound the same anymore … the sense of discovery was gone, the phrases and expressions were all established … what end … there’s more than one part, an don’t worry, you’re just right, it’s good that you’re not handsome … excuse me?! … on film I mean, you’re just the kina klutz we need.
Chiharu!
After all, you always wanted me.
I did, Chiharu, but this is like eating when you’re not hungry.
You don’t even know how to do it, sorry, but you’re like a child, she said.
Huh?
But that’s just what we need for this film, all you guys’re like that.
Who?
You know, you … it’s not your fault.
We shot once, sometimes twice a week, and since I was constantly in a drug haze I could handle it … even when they began to fiddle with the sets … historical costumes and stuff … and besides that pretty girl Chiharu had brought, some guy joined in, squatting on a throne with a dragon mask on, not even moving, luckily … in my state of intoxication I enjoyed the colors … they’ll cut out a lot, Chiharu informed me … it’s gotta be perfect, it’s only for a select few … I didn’t find their film that amazing compared to blockbusters like Moscow Triumphs … but in my clearer moments I admired the props, genuine carved wood, but too many pillows, cushions, and lace curtains for my taste … are those diamonds real too?
Yes, exactly, Chiharu laughed, it’s the real thing, you nailed it!
The walls of the room with the throne in it were covered in swords and daggers … that’s funny, they don’t have any hilt, an that’s what knights had for a cross, an I believe, Chiharu, that Richard the Lion-Hearted could strew a whole arena with those samurais a yours … Now that’ll be the day, the samurais didn’t need any cowardly hand protectors, they twirled theirs … like this! Taking down a weapon, she began gyrating her wrist at such furious speed the blade was like a strip of light, the glittering diamonds slashing through the air like thunderbolts … I backed off.
Eventually … I guess she couldn’t resist, Chiharu began to teach me, and the basis of her secret, what she really loved the most, was one … great … big … slow. She did it all, but slowly. And the end was like a dam bursting, or a city burning down. To the ground … and then it would start all over again, slowly, from the foundations up. Thoroughly.
As slowly, I guess, as when you prune that crooked little tree, with care and devotion … and it becomes a mini tree, complete in every way and like a gem. For whom it pleases.
At times I was concerned that when it was over I would forget my moves … don’t worry, she said, it stays in you, like swimming, here, drink this! I took the tea … then they slipped a suit of armor on me, I guess Chiharu liked that it somewhat crushed her breasts, at least she acted like she did … though pushing away and holding back were often part of going slow … they gave me a helmet with horns … I look like a devil, this doesn’t feel right … just wait, you’ll do fine, you must have intuition … cause this time you play the white devil … wow, you’ve got a name for everything, Chiharu. Why don’t we go out sometime, take the girl along … and she’s the yellow dwarf, get it? See, I’m the Sun Woman, and you attack from in front, and she comes from behind, like China … that’s a pretty perverted parable, who’s it for? Perverts. Aha. But she’s not goin anywhere with us. Why not? Because. An what’s her name? She doesn’t have one, she doesn’t matter. She’s nobody.
As time went on, I took an interest in the little one … it started gettin a little drastic … Chiharu flipping her this way and that, dragging her by the hair, stabbing her with needles … I was doped up on the tea and whatever it was they put in it, but I started to think that little girl wasn’t just acting her pain. And then they killed her. I was right there. When the guy stood up from the throne and ran her through, I thought it was all staged, including the blood … then Chiharu stabbed her too, it was awful what they did to her. And I couldn’t move. They slit her open and ripped out her guts. I stood there naked, my brain awash with the drug, intensifying the colors, jiggling the images … hearing the whir of the cameras as the guys ran around … maybe a little faster than usual … then Chiharu, after all that, slit the girl’s throat and the guy with the camera leaned over her, straddled her … while she twitched. I started hopping.
You couldn’t hear a thing in that cellar. No windows. I was scared.
I didn’t bother asking why she got me out of there. Maybe it was because we had known each other so long. I found her revolting … indescribably so. That got to her a little. You don’t understand … she said, there’s hundreds of thousands of girls like her, maybe millions … they dug her up in some camp, at least she got to live like a human being a while … do you know how many there are, in Thailand, in Hong Kong, just waitin for someone to help … they’d do anything to get out … they used to shoot these films over there … you know how much they cost? An believe me, the people who watch these things … who need em … for every girl they … shoot, they pay the way for a hundred more, she’s a sacrifice. That’s how they appease the evil powers. Not just anyone can shoot this stuff. Only us. Leave it alone. How do you know what’s right? Even you’re not good enough to be with me.
