City, Sister, Silver, page 40
Ça va, monsieur Potok.
So as not to waste time, Smoothy traded off with me at the wheel, all of a sudden he’d turned a bit tame. Occasionally he exchanged a word or two with Hunter, but otherwise he was strikingly reserved … Hunter warmly greeted the tank driver … and it was nice … two guys, half a world away from their tribe … greeting each other here on a highway near a motel, right beneath an ad for some idiocy, and in the sky a moon as bright as all the flashbulbs ever fired since that memorable day in the depths of the eons, back at the commencement of all creation … a few words, an ear-to-ear smile, a pat or two on the back, it took a while, then I noticed … Hunter was their boss, their war chief, they obeyed him, but not his words, his every movement, the slightest hint of a gesture.
Next morning I go to get some milk, the gentlemen tucked away in the car, at the edge of the village I stop and stare … donno that. It’s in Ukrainian, I ask some fella, he scowls, walks right past me. In the shop they all gawk … damn, shoulda worn different clothes, thought we were goin to a factory and that’d be it, they ladled the milk into pails … one of the women looked like my grandma before she came down with that whatchamacallit … they’re talkin … Russian, I guess, Christ, where am I? But the goods were Bohemian, or Czechoslovak, drugstore items, food and stuff, snacks, tidbits … stamps, what stamps? I froze. Fumbled for the wallet Smoothy’d given me … any Moor’d know his way around here better than me, I’m just in it for the mental exercise, for love and death, what an idiot I am, I thought … that guy bumped into me on purpose, better give him some room … I’d like to see the tank driver in here, wonder how many seconds he’d need to take these guys out … couple locals sittin on sacks of potatoes, guzzlin vodka, one of em collars me, plunks me down next to him: I want milk! I say. Aj tuna, guy shoves a triple shot of vodka in my face, yore a man, down it, don’t down it, yore a cunt! It was obvious what the guy … might do if I proved to be the latter … I downed the glass, it was awful, but the shop came to life again, the grannies tottered over to get a peek, I sat on the sack, waggin my head, have you got a telephone? Hej! Prague, please … oho, Prague! That set off an uproar, I hid my face behind my hands, but no, it was friendly, one of the grannies tugged at my hair, like I was some kina horse … the fella stuck a wooden platter under my nose, bacon fat on it bristling with fur … Take a bite! They were stuffin their faces. I took a piece, spotted a tomato on the shelf, leaped up, took a bite, wrong, a young hot pepper, another round of great laughter ensued, what would I think of next … I dictated the number to the saleslady, the shop owner … others kept wanderin in, I promised myself to cut my hair behind the next beech tree I saw, there were whole forests of beech out here … a buggy rolled up in front of the shop, a herd of pigs went dashin by … the guy that poured me the vodka started in on an ice cream bar, offered me a bite, someone slapped me on the back: You must be Havel’s son, at least that I understood … that’s Francek, he’s Czech, someone shouted, and up walks this bum … some dog skin or somethin over his shoulders … He starts huggin and kissin me, slobberin all over. Aparatka! I grab the phone … Černá! What, six in the? Sorry, I’m, no, I donno where I am … Francek tears the phone outta my hand: Not to worry, lass, we’re all out here in Ubla! All us out here’re Ruthenes. Me and yore lad, we were, what … scratches his ear and with a guilty look hands back the receiver … a stream of cuss words pourin out of it, no one but me could understand, I cut right in: I love you madly, no, I’m not at the train station, I’ll be back … I noticed the shop had fallen quiet, everyone had their ears pricked up, some a the grannies snuck in closer … No, Černá, I think our side a the border, I think Slovakia, yeah, I’m a little loopy, you too? I slept alone too … with Smoothy, I mean, damn that vodka … What? Somebody was tellin me somethin … Yeah, Černá, listen, I’m somewhere near Uzhgorod or somethin … Ušanica, they’re tellin me’s the nearest … Ubla … no, there’s no way a place could be called that … maybe I’m in Poland … what? For trams? Traps? Yeah, honey, you look out for yourself too … they’re starin at me like I’m from Mars … in about two days, maybe there’s an airport around, I’ll call just as soon as I know where I am. An sorry bout the other night … but anyway, when I’m done here … we’ll go to the sea … Bye. Aright, later!
A wave passes through the shop again, someone bursts in: Gypsies! Gypsies! They’re not our kind, they’re un-Ruthene! The owner drops under the counter, the men duck behind the sacks, and in walk Smoothy and Hunter … jaws plummet, I’m havin a heart attack … Smoothy walks up to the counter and lets loose: Greetings, fine people. Excuse me, but could we have some rolls and milk and coffee? Weal … veal? Voice shakin a little, he muffed it … Someone from behind the bags, Francek, says, they’re Czeshes, new Czeshes! Finally we picked out some food, canned sardines or whatever. Hunter remained aloof, even they could sense … he was a somebody. A boss.
We had to stay a while and get acquainted, they weren’t gonna let the chance pass by, foreigners like these … but they didn’t crowd around Hunter, the conversation was up to me, I just grinned stupidly, couldn’t refuse the vodkas, they might’ve been insulted … Smoothy got in the groove, yammerin on … a cry came from outside, in raced two cops, totally panicked … I bounded out the door and saw the tank driver next to some soggy old wall, wavin a bar around, a little ways off a police car was flipped over, six stick-swingers lyin on the ground … Whose is that? one of the badged men moaned, probly thought the tank driver was some kina animal … Hunter hissed at him … they took us in to the Diet, the whole village was gathered there, everyone from the shop testified to our immaculate behavior … Smoothy and I found the chief of police before they could start the proceedings … We’re sorry about the squabble and our mechanic clobbering your young men like that, he’s a maniac … I rambled … then Smoothy showed the chief our purchasing power, it worked as usual, and a little while later we were back on the road, the tank driver looked more cheerful.
This time Hunter drove while I sat in back choking, one minute with laughter, the next I guess from the bacon, and then, exhausted, I fell asleep.
One night we were playing chess when out of nowhere she said … she was only slowly coming to see who I was and why I’d latched onto her, but that it had probably been an act of love. Those were her words. Sometimes our language was scrambled because our sped-up idiom didn’t always work for talking about what we had together. Much of it was beyond language. The way the body speaks. She told me about people who’d wanted to get inside her and who she’d had to shove out of her way. She’d never had a tribe, but it’s rare that women do.
With Černá … for the first time I realized that even the slimmest little vein, every single hair on my body … was. At times I didn’t understand her sadness … then again at times she had to scald me, or douse me with ice water, or I would’ve gone through the roof. We hugged hard, in part because we didn’t hear any bells. Sometimes she’d jump at me from the side and I’d flip her in the air. Me underneath, on the broken glass, so she wouldn’t get cut, and her up above, pulling down webs, sometimes we’d spin around.
Maybe if the metallic sound of a bell’s heart had sliced through the space above the rooftops and come filtering down through the buildings’ walls and corners … we could’ve snatched it up and divined from it right there on the sidewalk. When I said so, she came to life … and told me a story about that … friend of hers with the important car … he took her to a founder, a guy that made bells … one of the last. I considered that an important sign.
I realized my love consisted of many parts, be it her shoulder, her breath, or what she had on, or each little piece of her skin, and always it stunned me that it was her. Maybe she felt the same … maybe that was why we took all those photos. Sometimes we even needed beating. The chill of ice and the warmth of butter. Our enormous hunger refined everything, and therefore everything was allowed. Death was everywhere, but Černá had her arms outstretched, palms up. And I tried too.
I’d found her, dragged her out of the web. Cut the straps. I wasn’t afraid to tell her I wanted her. But then she started making me. One time I saw a grave with her name on it, she woke up too.
It was bad, Černá … it was terrible! In my dream I was standin at your grave, or wait, it wasn’t yours! There was just a name, I remembered the first time I saw a woman naked … I was sick, often, as a little kid. My father took me to see the doctor. An army doctor … did I ever tell you my dad was a soldier? But the Communists gave him the heave, then he got some job sweepin … He still had friends, though, oh yeah. Those guys taught me Latin, for cryin out loud. The doctor ordered me to strip, they took my temperature. I used to get these high fevers where it felt like my hands an head were so big I couldn’t fit into my room anymore. My grandma’d soak my hands in a bowl of cold water. Finally they took me to the doctor … but then there was the waiting room with those retarded posters, remember? And Jesus … this one loony bin had a sign: CHEERFUL THOUGHTS ARE THE OIL OF THE HUMAN MOTOR. Yeah, that got me. I was one big wreck when they brought me in. Shook like a dog when I saw it. That’s ages ago. Want the ashtray?
Yeah okay. Put it there. Good.
It was just … my dad didn’t tell me till we got there that they were leavin me … said I would like it there. The hospital was clean, my room was nice an big. There were lotsa kids, my mom brought this one boy a huge seashell, I was furious. Actually, Černá, you know … how I was talkin about the sea … that was cause of your ear! It reminded me of that shell. It was mine. My mom explained to me that that sick kid came from a children’s home an didn’t have anybody. My uncle, though … he brought me a cannon, a model from the Napoleonic wars. I’d longed for one for ages. The hospital was the first time in my life I saw a woman naked. First night, I’m lyin by the window, can’t sleep, so I’m lookin out. And there was this little house over there, the lights were on, afterwards the kids in the room told me it was a morgue. I could see in and there were dead bodies laid out on tables. Two people came in with a body in a bag. Then they took the bag off and left. I looked. She had black hair, like you … only longer! And gorgeous breasts. I could tell even then. She was dazzling, I didn’t care if she was dead. I just kept lookin till I fell asleep. After that the lights were never on again.
Maybe you just dreamed it.
Whatever. Oh … Černá. Sometimes I’m scared too … I fight. So do you. Where are you, I fumbled for her.
Wait a sec … here I am. She turned on the light. Cut it out! Got a smoke? You chose me as your sister an I said okay. I’d like you just the same if you didn’t want me … I mean we know each other. But you’d be deprived without me. I’m … sometimes I’m proud. You’re always goin on about how dangerous it is … cut it out! If people weren’t such cowardly shits, the world’d be a different place … although … that’s bullshit too. But still … that’s where hang-ups come from, an hang-ups I think’re real dangerous. We’re not that scared though, are we, honey? We’re givin it a try … I mean we go together, you an me. Be careful, please.
Černá, don’t think … I gotta tell you. I’m afraid too, sometimes … even with you. You’re right, notice how now the masks’re peelin off, it’s rotten underneath … people, when they wanna, can be real scums, you said so yourself … I mean even me, I mean you know … they’re afraid to say, yeah, to say! … somethin’s nice, somethin’s good … it’s easier to crush it, strangle it … I know all about that … the hardest thing of all is tellin someone what I told you, you know … when I told you I love you.
Sister shrieked, sat up in bed, and gave me a look, foolin around … took her hands and made like a telescope, peerin at me through the cracks … you said it, I’m embarrassed! Hey, she kicked off the blanket, why don’t you come over here … an fuck me, hurry, I want it … now.
Her skin touched My Protective Animal, my flying, dancing symbol, and one time she said: I was — you’re gonna get jealous again but that’s stupid! — this one guy I was with, his … cock was like this. He had an eagle on his skin.
What … I jumped up. What was his name … Bohler?
I donno. Didn’t ask. We were only together once. We met once. Whatever … but what you told me an I told you, the important thing … trust me. Always. Sometimes I’m not myself, I mean with us drinkin an all. But I’ve never loved anyone this much before. So actually no one else’s been inside me. And I’d destroy anyone that tried to harm you. Mercilessly. You have no idea …
Pass me that lighter, would ja. I do have an idea, Černá. Maybe I already know who you are … I’ve got a hunch … an could ja nudge that ashtray over, yeah … good.
In time we expanded our territory. The city was growing, always some new thing … we’d walk out in the street at night, confusing taxi drivers, on the slow trams sometimes we’d get jumpy and wrap ourselves around the bars, especially me. In the subway we’d sit solemnly, staring blankly ahead, pretending, in front of and along with the rest of the passengers, like nothing was going on at all … we’d even go to the theater, now and then. At least there we didn’t run into anyone we knew.
We studied the gowns and masks and then used some of it later on. I think the singers pissed Černá off a little. I knew, I noticed … sometimes she’d hum along and harmonize. I guess she really missed it. But it fascinated her how I’d always guess what each piece was about and how it would turn out. She’d look at me, eyes shining, and gasp: You’re amazing! I didn’t tell her that most of the plays I’d read. Once upon a time. One skit in some out-of-the-way local theater I even wrote. Under my own name though, so she didn’t realize.
Occasionally we’d have a couple vodkas in the lobby, Černá rattling the jewelry she’d borrow for nights on the town. Me powdered up. Planting kisses in her decolletage and throwing roses at her. Champagne for Chekhov, whiskey for Shepard, we didn’t mix that up. The Lantern* Jirásek! Water goblins, myrtle. We saw that one five times. During the performance we’d rustle papers. She’d leave chewing gum on her seat. That’s so they’ll see … so they’ll see it’s no joke, Sister would say. The ladies hissed. When that unfaithful Yaga throttled her husband the Moor, Černá broke down sobbing, she shouldn’t do that! she cried. They tried to escort her out, I intervened. Idiots, what’ve you got against negroes, Černá railed at the usher. Then she told me the story. I was jealous. Still.
And after one brilliant play I fine-tuned the plot: Černá! I had a dream. That’s not how it was in reality, see, it’s true Ulysses slaughtered those suitors when he got home, but that was only cause … they were younger an better-lookin an richer than him, he was gettin to be an old dog … an they were just boys, don’t gimme that look! That’s all he did in those islands anyway, was kill an plunder, plus charm Circe an take over her pig byznys … so he comes home to his castle an Penelope’s there waiting faithfully, like a good wife … but Ulysses bursts in an says: Sorry. You’ve waited faithfully an long. I was off fightin, I’m a man. That’s why you wanted me, right? Sorry, though, you’re gettin old now. So I brought back this splendid sixteen-year-old slave girl. Girl! Lift your arms over your head, turn around. See those breasts, Penelope, see that ass? See that mane, see how her hair shines? See those teeth? Does it remind you of anything? That’s right, that’s how you used to be, Penelope. Ages ago. It doesn’t bother you that I’m bein frank, does it? I am a man, you know. Do you know how many enemies I crushed an songs I wrote on my travels? That’s why you wanted me. I met this one, Penelope, an now she’s here! She’s the one I’ve had under my eyelids all my life, you just wandered into my path. That’s the way it is. Sorry, Penelope, it’s been nice. Now … get out.
Černá put her shades on. Are you hungry, friend?
Yeah.
Unfortunately all I’ve got is a little dried-out piece of … mortadella. An coffee. Just black though. How bout it?
Okay.
Maybe you oughta try a little more, you’re always bullshittin … what about comin up with a happy ending for once, I know it’s hard, are you scared?
Yeah. A little bit, yeah.
There was one thing I couldn’t stand. When she put on her shades, I’d lose her eyes. Think it was somebody else under there. I’d known her eyes as green, now more often they were speckled brown. Maybe it depended on the light, on whether we had candles or a lamp, or if it was daytime. I never did find out. But then she started wearin her shades to bed even. I told her I didn’t want her to. She just laughed. Trust me … it’s good for you too … not to see for a while.
I focused so much on her body and her breathing that sometimes I didn’t notice her eyes. We also tried a mask, and sometimes I put a pillow or a pillowcase over her face. I guess there really are times when you wanna be alone. Just you an your grimaces. It’s impossible to smile all the time.
But in my heart there was love. I kept it locked inside. That’s the way it was. With her I was in reality. I know it.
Sometimes … it got in there. I came home from a foray, Smoothy’s crap ringin in my ears still, and she had the radio on. First the announcer spoke about India, then took Pakistan, dipped into Iran, cut across the north back down toward the south and then said a thing or two about Egypt, took it all in one fell swoop, didn’t even leave out Libya, he didn’t leave out a thing, bet he had to loosen his tie. I opened the window and looked at the street. The hustle and bustle. Some tanker of something drove by. It was yellow.
What’s up, said Sister after a while.
Nothin, I don’t think I can take it anymore. Nothin’s goin on at all … notice all the natural catastrophes lately though?
There’s also nice things.
Like what?
The air hardened in my ears like chunks of basalt.
Hey, hey, stop talkin, have yourself a glass a wine, have a smoke, come over here, be with me, hop to it.
I noticed she had a new … I guess T-shirt. Nothin on her shoulders, just these thin little strings … it was white. An besides, she was right.
