City, Sister, Silver, page 35
Y’know I got a doctorate, he said … in psychology, you know that? You all think we’re just a bunch a gunslingers … an know what socialism brought Angola? Sposedly women’s liberation. That’s what the feminists from the West wrote! Sontrag, you wouldna heard a her. Real cow. Down there women were slaves, an every man had five or ten of um tillin the fields … that all got ripped to shreds, those families were hidin freedom fighters anyway, then famine hit, men couldn’t handle it on their own, but an important step’d been taken, little buddy … there’s plenty a things I could tell ya …
You guys were on the Devil’s side though …
Oh gimme a break, how da you know? You peabrain fanatic. Alla you an that tego svego Polish Bog crap a yours, you idiots. We got the goods on alla you. Too bad you lost your boogeyman … Nobody can say what side we were on, you’d hafta be clairvoyant. Enough fun an games though. You got your instructions. You’ll stick with Vang as long as you can an then let us know where his team’s holed up. Our man can’t find out. We gotta shut these guys down before they head east. An don’t get any ideas, one of um’ll be watchin you! Rest assured!
Guy can’t handle it by himself, huh?
You donno beans! He’ll be with um right up till the end. You no, there’s no point. Well, he picked himself up. Quick and steady. Guy wasn’t drunk, he was just actin. I donno why. Hasta la vista, baby, he waved from the door. Then shut it behind him.
Another door that I thought I was the only one with a key to. I gave it a little kick. Kicked around the chair too. Slammed the table a couple times. Hard, from over my head, with both hands. Didn’t help much. I noticed he’d taken the bottle with him. Some slender bug was crawlin along the wall, killed him, left him there. Lay down on the bed. Then got up and opened the wardrobe. From bed to wardrobe, that was my path, about four steps. Behind the wardrobe the sink. And then the door, my den ends there. Then the world. It was a long trip to the toilet, all the way to the subway. Sometimes I’d dream about vitamin factories finally comin up with a food that didn’t make you shit. Mornings here my poetic states tended to be consistent: head empty, bowels full.
My wardrobe was full of disguises, threads. A box of calling cards. Interchangeable names and professions. Anyone who thinks they already know what they are suffers from a lack of imagination. And all the way in the back, several dresses and a jacket … women’s things, what remained of She-Dog. Some poetry books she was fond of. And a couple kerchiefs and barrettes … that was all I had left of her. That and my dreams.
It was beautiful when I’d find a hair of hers lying around every now and again. In a corner. In the dust on a shelf. All of a sudden on the ground when I got up in the morning. Blown there by some good wind. Hairs don’t rot. One of her kerchiefs I put on my pillow to carry me away. And fell asleep.
The buzzer woke me. I leaped out of bed, musta been night already. But I didn’t want to open the door, not anymore! I said to myself. I can’t … but the buzzing was steady, it wasn’t a signal, whoever it was was ringin nonstop. In my dreamy daze it occurred to me that if I opened the door, it’d be me standing there.
But you can’t think about these things or they happen. I tugged the handle and there stood Vasil with two reinforcements. Vasil was smiling.
Let’s go! Mother is waiting for you.
Vasil drove, the other two on either side of me in back, I guess to keep me from jumping out. An unpleasant arrangement. I looked to see where we were goin, crosstown, in total silence. Nighttime, not a soul. A couple bars with lights, but not a single Nachtigall flappin around.
Vasil knew the way, handling the machine with confidence, and then I realized we’d taken a turn out of town and were heading toward the pack’s old buildings. My new companions … Russians, I figured, both stocky, smiling. But there was something about them … somehow they were too neat. Suits, ties. Proud crewcuts. One even had a handkerchief in his breast pocket, they were clean, freshly shaven. Like they’d just stepped out of the bath. I smelled cologne. Peeked at their shoes: shiny, not a smudge. But the make was nothin much … bout twenty years behind, maybe more, I got an eye for this stuff. Unlikely gangsters. More like good-natured farmers … country bumpkins. Volga ship pullers died and gone to heaven. No river or ropes for them ever again. Muzhiks from Tuzex, I thought with a smile.
They smiled back at me, looking pleased. Smooth skin stretched taut over their cheeks, they were probably about forty but … not a single wrinkle. Weird people. Vasil stopped the car. We walked into the building. I was expecting to go to the pack’s flat … but Vasil veered off into the cellar. Vasil, no! I shouted, wheeling around. Behind me stood those two, politely smiling. No! I tried to shove past, but it was like they were made of granite. Vasil grabbed me by the shoulder, come! he said. Eto nado!
They dragged me down the stairs, and I walked the rest of the way on my own. Then I saw her. Sitting in a chair, back propped against the well railing. I walked toward her, something pulled me. Her eyes glowed out at me in the half-light, but I wasn’t afraid. It was the Great Mother.
I noticed another few … yokels around … Her face was broad and kind, a little swarthy, like in the photo. No extra color though. Neither old nor young. Her eyes glowed with … peaceful joy. She looked pleased to see me. All at once … I thought I saw … Micka, Bohler … it couldn’t be … I blinked, no. It was those peasants …
Where are your buddies, where are your friends? the Great Mother spoke to me. I knew what she was saying was just for me. I felt something like blissfulness, a caress, the voice was caressing me … like I was floating in a warm sea, bobbing in waves … where are the girls whom you were so fond of? Where is everyone, where have they gone? Vanished, scattered. Where are the little ones with whom you once played? Someone must be here still, you can’t be all on your own … did the water take them away, are they bound in wire, were they carried off on a train? There must be someone somewhere still. And your loved one … you wish to honor only her … you love only her … you would give your life for her … where is she … in distress? Alone? Frightened? In a house … on the street … lost in the forest? Perhaps she is all alone … in the dark … perhaps she cannot hear you … and perhaps she is you … where is everyone … why did it have to happen … and why is it always going on … the ball has gone flat, the sand castle has crumbled … the dragon has swallowed all of you up … you set loose the paper dragon, and for a while it laughed, for a while it fluttered on the string, and then it soared off into the distance, out of sight … and now it is returning from the heights … and it is a Monster and wants to devour … but I also have happy fairy tales … for Hansels and Gretels … that cottage, that was their mommy’s heart and they ate it … the heart of their mother … but mommy forgives them and takes them back … into her, into the earth … I am the Great Mother … and I will warm and soothe you all … you will be inside me and feel neither hunger nor fear … nor cold … I am the Great Mother … in me there is warmth, in me alone the sun shines … in me you will change, you forlorn little children … I am the Great Mother … and you, the children of change, Mother will gladden you and you will be children … safe and sound …
I think I didn’t hear or see anything else but the Great Mother’s voice and face. Her face, so beautiful … warm and splendorous … I walked slowly toward her, very slowly, so I could hear her as long as possible … and I knew all I had to do was nod and say: Okay! And everything would change and I could live in this feeling of bliss forevermore.
But … I looked into her face as I drew near … and saw her eyes and their splendor and felt myself wanting to sink into it, and then I saw her hair … her black hair, and jerked away.
It was the hair. It reminded me of my longing and brought me back.
I stood face to face with the Great Mother, about twenty centimeters away … and now … the face was toothless … ancient … the face of an old Gypsy soothsayer, she curled her lips and shot me a furious glance, and then turned her attention away from me.
She stood up and went over to Vasil. He was lying on the ground. The others … followed her. She grabbed him by the hair, speaking in Russian, rapidly, but I understood.
Liar, she snapped at him, fool, you thought you could run away from mommy, now I must punish you … she said more or less, it was a farce … and it was disgusting. Vasil lay there on the ground. You should know, the woman told him, there is nowhere for you to run … I went over to Vasil … she stepped back, everyone watching.
Vasil, Vasil, get up, don’t be stupid, it’s just an old hag … an a couple a geezers … the two of us might’ve been able to take em … but he just lay there, the Nailhead. Vasil, c’mon, up an at em! Even that didn’t help. I gave him a little kick. No, he said.
I tried hoisting him onto my shoulders. But he was too heavy. He didn’t want to. And that hag was smiling! As soon as I moved toward her though, the geezers moved too. I knew the well was there. Ten meters to the bottom. And down there … I didn’t give Vasil another look, inching back towards the door, a moment later I was out in the hallway, escaping … and all of a sudden, like the corner of a rag … some bird or bat or I don’t know what whipped me across the eyes with its wing … brought me to a halt, heart pounding from running and also with fright … I walked to the door, slowly, curbing my fear … and then I heard footsteps, quiet and shuffling, but how could … Granny Macešková came shuffling out from around the bend in the hallway.
Whew, granny, you scared the daylights outta me. I leaned against the wall.
Good gracious, what is it, sonny, your heart? Acting up? said the little old lady.
Did you know we have visitors, Mrs. Macešková?
You mean those geologist gentlemen? What fine young men, they brought me up some coal. Helped me take down the curtains … she mumbled something to herself.
Mrs. Macešková, I asked, I don’t suppose you have any … relatives, friends … somewhere to go if you couldn’t stay here anymore?
Good gracious, what do you mean, sonny, why on earth would I want to move?
She peered at me, those eyes … full of silver, like when she came out of the well … Uh-huh, guess she’ll have to stay here, I thought.
Why don’t you come up to my place for a nice cup of tea … a growing boy like you needs healthy things.
Thank you very much, Mrs. Macešková, but I’ve gotta be … I heard footsteps on the cellar stairs and cleared out fast. It was the reasonable thing to do, I think.
I ran down the street, no tram. I set out for town along the tracks. They seemed to stretch into infinity. I don’t gotta do everything I can, occurred to me nonsensically. When I came to the streets, other things occurred to me. Day was breaking. I watched. Poked around in the spring mud a while, there’s always stuff lyin in there, that’s what archeologists do. You can tell from the sediment what’s goin on. Even if the whole plain’s bustling with mobiles threatening you with their fumes, give the stuff a little blood from your eye … investigate. I studied the shop signs. There were names on the shingles now. Usually people’s. Some made sense. I touched the plaster here and there. Some signs I had to laugh at, others were upsetting. None conveyed humility. Then I lifted my head and saw: RUTHENIAN UNION, CZECH REPUBLIC. I felt a prick. Here I am, I marveled. But then I spotted him and ducked around the corner.
Must’ve been comin off the night shift, he was draggin, he’d had enough. Actually I don’t know why I followed him. Something told me to. I think I was trembling a little. I trailed him tensely, ready to jump … he tottered a little, just a little, didn’t look back even once … then finally he entered a building … I broke into a sprint … followed him all the way up to the attic, treading lightly one flight below, and when he opened the door I jumped inside, shoving Spider ahead of me. He just groaned.
She was lying on the bed. I turned on the light, her eyes didn’t open. Black hair on the pillow, flat on her back. I threw up the shades and opened the window. The room reeked. At the head of the bed … of my loved one … bottles … empty, half full, a whole battery … I bent over her puffy face, a thin blanket covered her body. And underneath … I yanked it off … straps around her hands, across her chest too, only her legs were free … and all she had on was a ripped T-shirt, drenched in sweat … I roared, knelt down, and whipped out my knife … Spider cold-cocked me from the side … dropped on me … only … rage … then I was pounding him, on and on, I could’ve gone on pounding forever, I didn’t even know I was hitting him, there was a fog in my head, it was red … and then I heard … What’re you doing? she said loud and clear.
She was looking at me. I don’t feel good! she said. I cut her loose, held her in my arms. Drinky … drinky winky? her swollen face pleaded grotesquely. She shut her eyes, head slumping onto her chest. I felt her forehead, touched her cheeks … must’ve had a fever, she was limp in my hands, I laid her blazing-hot body back down.
Ahem, said Spidey. He stood behind me, holding my knife. I didn’t totally trust him till I had the blade back in my hand, edge toward him. He raised his arms. He was a little scratched up, but these Northies …
Hey, he said …
What’s with her, you freak. Tied up?
Hey, that was Jícha’s call. She … an booze was the only way I could keep her here.
How come she’s got nothin on. Where’s her clothes. I’ll kill you.
No, he swallowed. No. I took em so she wouldn’t split, trust me. I … that’s not my thing.
An Jícha? Talk to me.
He’s dead, you know that.
I don’t care, did he … did he interrogate her here?
Yeah, said Spider.
No, I said. That’s too much. An who else? Hadraba?
Nobody, I swear. I was just comin to let her go. Hadraba’s call. She was for you. We didn’t wanna, it was Jícha, believe me. He knew she’d been meetin, know who with? Viška, he said. She musta squealed, no shit.
That’s what Jícha said.
Yeah.
Got a bathroom here?
He lifted his chin.
We carried her over and set her down in the tub. Get lost, I told him. I ran the water, dumpin in all the salts and shampoos that eight-legged playboy had in there. I didn’t really want to see her naked without her knowing. It was hard work keepin her head above water and washin her up a little. Skinny. Shame slapped me, but I couldn’t not notice … her firm breasts and rear end. Gorgeous! Unbelievably small nipples. No tattoos. Maybe something … on her inner thigh. But I resisted.
Am I home? she said, opening her eyes. You’re with me, I assured her. She shut them again. Started bobbing her head around a little and whipping the foam with her hands … suddenly a smile spilled across her face … It’s cold! she said. I added hot water. And then: Are we in the yard? Guess she thought she was in some washtub, she sat up and I scrubbed her back a little … then she wilted again. But kept on smiling into the foam. I soaped her up and rinsed out her hair. It stank of booze. She held on.
Ahem, ahem, Spidey said from behind me, gaze discreetly averted, and handed me a glass. Alka-Seltzer, he mumbled. New thing. I put in four. She obediently drank it down. Bulged out her eyes, then began slapping the foam and humming to herself, she still didn’t know where she was. Me and Spider sat on the edge of the tub, backs to her … we’d hear the glug-glug if she went under … had a smoke.
Hey … I said after a while, you guys shouldna done this.
You know how it is … he said … an I just …
You fed her the booze. I mean it coulda killed her!
Sister snorted and slapped the water. Splashed us.
Not that chick. All she needed was one hand free, heh.
