Painful, page 52
When she was as bare as me, I laid her back onto my bed, cherishing every touch. I’d been so sure this would never happen again—could never happen again. My gaze swept down her body, lingering on her flat, empty stomach. I wanted to fill it, wanted to give her my child, but we weren’t there yet. Not nearly there yet.
Kiera’s hand went to my cheek, bringing my gaze back to her face. There was so much love in her eyes, it tore at me. There was so much compassion in her eyes, it shattered me. I could see what she wanted for me, what she wanted for us…and it restored my hope. Faith. That was how we’d get through this.
Her other hand gently pushed on my hip, urging me on top of her. Our eyes never leaving the others’, I settled over her, then slowly slid inside her. The euphoria stole my breath, but it paled compared to the…connection I felt with her. All my life, I’d been looking for this. This feeling of belonging, of being wanted, being needed…being loved. And she was giving me that feeling so intensely right now that it hurt…in the best way.
The feeling only grew as we began to move together. It was almost too much to bear, but I didn’t shy away from it. I let it overwhelm me. I embraced it, embraced her love for me…accepted it. I searched her face, her glorious eyes filled with tears of love—for me. “I love you, Kellan…only you.”
I closed my eyes, letting the words wash over me. Opening them, I told her, “And I only love you…I will only ever love you.”
I lowered my mouth to hers, kissing her as slowly as I was moving inside her. The restraint was difficult, but it made me feel so…in tune with her, like we were one. The connection lasted for so long, it felt so good; I never wanted to stop making love to her. This was what I wanted. This was how tonight was supposed to go…before it all fell apart. Before we put it all back together.
Kiera grabbed my hand, squeezing me tight, and I could tell she was getting close. I was too; I could feel the need to find relief building, the urge to release the pressure, satisfy the ache. Instead of quickening the pace, I slowed down…and everything amplified. The sensation, the connection, the love…everything. Kiera started shaking beneath me. She was running out of time. I was too. I grabbed her cheek. Sucking in a quick breath, I kissed her, then hurriedly told her, “I love you. God, I love you so much…”
It was all I had time to say. My body shuddered with the intensity of my climax. Kiera came a second after me, her body tightening around me as she rode out the bliss, mumbled words about loving me more than anything escaping from her lips.
A part of me wanted to keep going even though it was over, but I was so tired, so completely and utterly spent, I just couldn’t. I slumped against her body for a second, catching my breath, then I shifted to her side and pulled her into my body. I never wanted to let her go again.
I kissed her hair, grateful for that moment, grateful for this one, grateful for all the future ones we might still get to share. If we could start being honest with each other. Brutally honest. “I promise I won’t keep anything from you again,” I pledged.
She stared at me a second, her gaze warm and peaceful, her eyes shimmering, then she nodded and softly kissed me. “And I promise that I won’t keep anything from you either.”
I nodded, accepting her promise, then I squeezed her tight. Never again.
Chapter 32
TRYING AGAIN
Kiera drifted off to sleep, but I stayed awake, holding her, stroking her soft skin. I didn’t have much time with her, and I didn’t want to waste a second of it sleeping. But so much had happened in so little time that I was definitely drained. I was certain the second I was on that plane back to the guys, I would pass out. But for now…I would fight it. Anything to stay with her.
But time was against me, and eventually the clock on my nightstand told me I needed to get up, needed to start getting ready. I did not want to…but I owed Matt. And Kiera and I were fine. I could go back and stop worrying, stop stressing, stop causing myself pain. Things would be better now, and that made it a little easier to leave.
And besides, I’d be back. Maybe after the tour ended. Definitely for her graduation. And after she graduated…the world would be wide open for her. Maybe she could come to me then. I couldn’t think of a single reason why she couldn’t.
With that wonderful thought in my brain, I carefully slipped out of bed. I took a nice, long shower, letting the emotional weariness of the last several hours rinse off of me. Kiera was still zonked when I was done, her bare body sprawled across my bed, under my sheets. I really liked the visual of her draped over my mattress, but I let her sleep and got dressed in some fresh clothes. And then, because I loved her and I was going to miss her, I shoved one final note into the pocket of one of her jeans. Remember today, that I love you.
I felt like skipping when I went downstairs. Everything just seemed…better. The house was brighter, the air crisper, the day more hopeful. It was like I’d rebooted myself, and everything was running a little smoother now. I loved it.
Humming to myself, I started a pot of coffee. God, I missed having a daily cup of good coffee. Bus coffee and diner coffee just didn’t cut it. Kiera was still asleep when the pot finished brewing. Usually, the smell woke her up. Not today though. She was just as drained as me. I drank a quick cup, then grabbed my jacket. My time here was almost over, and I needed to say goodbye to Kiera. For now.
I prepped a cup of coffee for Kiera, since the least I could do was leave her with a treat. Careful to not spill it, I headed upstairs. Wondering if the smell would wake her up now, I squatted by the bed and held it toward her. I grinned as she started stirring. It still worked.
Her eyes slowly opened, then they found me. Ignoring the coffee in my hand, she reached out for me. “Hey,” she said, propping up on her elbow to lean over and kiss me.
“Mornin’,” I told her.
She giggled at my greeting, then grabbed the coffee cup I was still offering. “You are a godsend,” she said, taking a sip.
I laughed softly as I ran a hand through her hair. “You and coffee…”
An intoxicating pink blush ran over her skin. God, I’d missed that too. “What time is your flight?” she asked, glancing at the clock.
Her calm eyes, more brown than green today, returned to me, and my smile widened. She was so beautiful. And still mine. “I have to go soon.”
Her eyes widened with alarm, and she sat all the way up, spilling her drink. “Well, I’ll get ready. I’ll come with you.”
Taking her coffee before she burned herself, I set it on the nightstand. Shaking my head, I told her, “No, I want you to stay here and relax.” She frowned, but I smiled. “Every separation between us seems to be long and dramatic, like we’re never going to see each other again.” I paused to run my knuckle down her cheek. “It’s like we’re…savoring every moment because we both think it might be the last.”
She clamped down on her bottom lip and nodded, like she’d had that thought too. My smile grew. “So, let’s break out of that cycle.” I inhaled a deep breath. “Goodbye, sweetheart. I have to go to work.” That was how normal people said goodbye, right?
Kiera grinned. With a small shrug she said, “See ya.”
I laughed at her super-casual response, then shook my head at how adorable she was. Leaning forward, I gave her a kiss. “Keep the bed warm for me,” I murmured. She laughed as I pulled away. “I’ll call you when I land,” I told her.
She was nodding when my phone suddenly chimed in my pocket. It was a relief that I didn’t have to worry about her hearing it anymore, but it was still annoying to have to hear it. Gavin was never going to give up. Kiera raised a questioning eyebrow as she looked at my pocket. I rolled my eyes and sighed. Pulling out my phone, I glanced at the screen and saw that my assumption was correct. It was Gavin. “That would be my father with his morning message.” I raised an eyebrow at her. “There will be an afternoon and an evening one, I’m sure.” Probably more. And a few phone calls.
I instantly hit the button that darkened the screen. Kiera frowned as she watched me. “Don’t you even read them?”
Sniffing, I shoved the phone back in my pocket. “No. I never read them, and I never respond.” I lowered my head as guilt resurfaced. I’d almost forgotten that I’d accidentally hurt her last night when I’d…panicked. “That’s why I freaked out when you were going to. I don’t want him to be…encouraged.” I looked up at her. “I want him to stop.”
I thought she might argue again, but surprising me once more, she simply nodded in acceptance. “What does your sister think about you ignoring him?” she asked, then she cringed, like she hadn’t meant to ask that.
With a sigh, I moved to sit beside her on the bed. “She thinks I’m being stubborn. She doesn’t understand why I’m hurting him by refusing to…” My thought trailed off as I grabbed my phone again. “She asks me to give him a chance, every time I talk to her.” A fact that was incredibly frustrating. She wasn’t going to leave me alone either. Hailey telling me that stubbornness ran in the family was apparently an understatement.
While I mused on that, I heard Kiera murmur, “Wise girl.”
I lifted an eyebrow in annoyance, but Kiera didn’t press the issue. Instead, she held out her hand. “Can I read it?” she asked. My eyes involuntarily narrowed as something dark stirred inside me. Seeing my expression, Kiera quickly added, “I won’t respond. But I feel like someone should at least read them.”
Maybe. Maybe not. I wasn’t sure that I owed Gavin anything, but…I did owe Kiera something. And as long as she promised not to talk back to him, I didn’t really see the harm in letting her read them. It wouldn’t change the fact that I wasn’t going to read them. My stomach still twisted into knots, though, as I slowly handed her the phone.
She smiled as she took it. Then she held it in her palm and exaggerated the fact that she wasn’t going to type anything. I appreciated that. To avoid accidentally seeing what she was reading, I studied her face while she studied my phone. The emotions I saw there were almost as bad as reading the texts though. Her face scrunched in pain, her eyes watered, and she bit her lip like she was trying to hold back a sob. What the hell was he saying to make her look like that?
When a tear finally fell onto her cheek, I couldn’t take the curiosity anymore. “What…what did he say?” I asked. Then I instantly wished I hadn’t. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. Except…I did care. Too much. Way too much. Maybe that was the real reason why I’d allowed his messages to continue. Why I’d never deleted them.
Kiera sighed, shook her head, and handed me the phone. I put it away without looking at it, and Kiera’s sad eyes lifted to my face. “He just wants a chance to explain. He wants to get to know you.” Her hand came up to gently rest on my cheek. “He regrets leaving you, Kellan.”
The sudden assault on my heart was too much. I nodded as my eyes began stinging. Her words kept repeating in my brain. He wants to explain, wants to get to know you…he regrets leaving you. Well, we all had regrets. That was just life. It didn’t mean anything. I tried to swallow back the ache, but it wouldn’t leave me. I swallowed multiple times, then finally stood up, needing movement. “I should get going.” I should stop thinking, stop feeling…stop resisting? Could I do that?
I was lost in that thought—in the thought of actually talking to Gavin—when I heard Kiera call my name. “Kellan.” I stopped in the doorway to look back at her. She was lying down on my bed again, looking completely comfortable wrapped in my sheets. I smiled, staring at her perfect beauty.
“I just wanted to wish you luck on the end of your tour, and tell you…” She paused to chew on her lip. It was adorable, sensual, playful, and seeing it made my smile grow. God, I was lucky. Giggling, she finished with, “I’ll be here when you get back.”
She indicated the room with her eyes, and my small grin turned into a massive one. I took a step back into the room, toward her. “You’re moving back in with me?”
Giggling more, she nodded and sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees. She looked so damn beautiful, and what she’d just said…fuck…it was everything to me. But how could she tell me that right before I had to leave? As if I can leave now. No, that statement needed to be celebrated.
Shaking my head at her, I tore off my jacket. She suddenly looked confused as she watched me strip off my shirt and unbutton my jeans. “What are you doing? I thought you had to go?”
Smiling at her, I crawled over the bed, making her lie back down. “I’ve got five minutes,” I said. And there was no way on Earth I wasn’t going to try to make love to her after hearing her say that. She’d literally have to hose me down to turn me off. And I had a feeling she wouldn’t.
She giggled as I kissed her. “Five?” she murmured as my hand traveled up her thigh.
Kicking off my boots, I told her, “Okay, fifteen then.” Standing up, I stripped off the rest of my pesky clothes, then darted under the sheet with her. She giggled when we collided, but she stopped when my hungry mouth found hers.
Celebrating her momentous news took way longer than fifteen minutes…and I didn’t fucking care. I’d miss the damn flight for this. For her. For us. Finally…I’d be able to come home to her again. I couldn’t fucking wait.
* * *
After calling a cab, I gave Kiera one last, long goodbye kiss. We were both grinning when I left, and I took that as a really good sign. I just about missed the flight, but the girl at the gate let me through at the last possible second. By the way she was looking at me, I had a feeling it was my face that had gotten me through the door, but that was okay. Whatever it took to keep Matt off my back.
As predicted, I fell asleep on the plane. I think I was falling asleep before the plane even started moving. I sort of remembered them going through the safety speech, but that was about it. Next thing I knew, an older woman beside me was gently tapping my shoulder. “We’re here,” she said, her dark eyes warm as she gazed at me.
Lifting my head, I looked over to see people standing up, beginning to exit. “Oh…thanks,” I told her. “Guess I was more tired than I thought. Hope I didn’t snore.”
She bit her lip as she drank me in. “Nope…not at all.” She studied me for a second longer, then shook her head and muttered something that sounded like, “If I were ten years younger…”
I smiled to myself at her comment, then pulled out my phone. Seeing a missed call and a voicemail from Kiera made my grin grow. I listened to the message as I followed the woman off the plane. Kiera was concerned about me telling Griffin he was about to be a father. Or more accurately, Anna was the one concerned about it. That made me frown as I stepped into the airport. Griffin as a dad. Jesus. But that was assuming Anna kept the baby…and let Griffin anywhere near it.
I almost wanted to call Anna directly, try and plead Griffin’s case for him, but it wasn’t my place. And there wasn’t anything I could say that Anna didn’t already know. She knew exactly who Griffin was and how he would be with a child. It was…difficult to picture. He was just so fucking irresponsible. And he abhorred commitment. The band was just about the only thing he’d ever put an ounce of effort into, and sometimes even that felt…like he’d grow tired of it and walk away one day. But a baby…there was no walking away from that. Or at least, he shouldn’t walk away from that. I knew what I wanted Anna to do, but I had no idea what she actually should do.
Pressing the button to call Kiera, I brought the phone to my ear. I laughed a little when she answered. “Hey, I just landed. Miss me already?”
Her voice low and seductive, she said, “Always.”
I smiled at the sentiment, feeling full of warmth and peace, then I asked about her message. “You said your sister was freaking out?”
Kiera sighed. “Yeah, she’s just afraid of Griffin finding out…before she’s ready to tell him.”
A weary sigh escaped me. Fucking Griffin. “I wouldn’t…that’s not my secret to share.” And I really hoped it wasn’t a secret that I would have to carry to my grave. She should tell him. Either way, Anna should tell him.
Kiera’s response gave me some hope. “Well, I think she will tell him, and I think she’s going to keep it…or her, I should say, since Anna is convinced she’s having a girl.”
That made me grin. With a soft laugh, I told her, “Let’s hope so. I think a baby girl to dote on is just what Griffin needs.” Maybe he’d learn a thing or two, start seeing women as more than just receptacles for his junk. Maybe.
Kiera suddenly asked a question that surprised me. “Would you want a baby girl one day?”
I smiled again as I thought about that. God, Kiera pregnant with my child…holding a miniature version of her in my arms…what a great image. “Yeah…a girl, or a boy, would be fine, but…yeah, I do want kids.” With you. And only you.
She laughed a little, then whispered, “Me too.” The sound was full of longing, and hearing it made my smile widen. It was so nice to be on the same page again.
A warm silence fell between us, then Kiera sighed. “I should go…are we good?”
Her comment made me laugh. “I didn’t convince you of that before I left? Really? You…sounded convinced.” I paused, smiling as I pictured her flushed face, then I said, “Yeah, Kiera…I think we’re better than we’ve ever been, actually.”
“Even with Denny being back in town?”
I tried to find some part of me that was still worried about him, but it just…wasn’t there. If she hadn’t done anything with him during our darkest moment, when she’d been pretty sure I’d been cheating on her, then I just couldn’t picture her doing anything with him now. We were too…as Evan had once said—solid.
A soft, content sigh escaped me. “Yeah, even with Denny in town. I don’t know, Kiera, but Denny just doesn’t worry me anymore. Maybe…maybe I really do trust you.”
She exhaled in relief. “Oh, I’m so glad to hear you say that, Kellan, because there really is nothing there. No one…no one compares to you, Kellan. No one even comes close.”
