Painful, page 47
Kiera sighed with me. “Yeah…” was all she said in response. I wanted to ask her what she wished for, but I couldn’t; a part of me was too terrified to know.
My stomach tightened and I felt my eyes stinging. “I love you, Kiera.” Please don’t leave me.
“I love you too, Kellan.” I felt the sincerity in her words, and it made some of the ache leave me. At least she truly does loves me. Is that enough?
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” I told her. She told me okay, then we said our goodbyes.
I felt hollow as I stared at my phone. I can’t keep doing this. I just…can’t. I could feel the exhaustion burning my eyelids, leeching energy from my muscles, filling my body with a heaviness I could never fully escape. I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. Not deeply. I was surviving on shallow gasps, and it wasn’t enough. I needed Kiera. It wasn’t a “want” anymore. It was much deeper and far more desperate.
My phone chimed with a message, and I closed my eyes as a wave of fatigue hit me. I checked the message, and sure enough, it was from Gavin. That made up my mind. I was going home. Matt would have to tie me down to keep me here.
As soon as Matt woke up the next day, I told him my news. As predicted, he wasn’t pleased.
“What? No, you can’t leave right now, Kell. We have one more new song to pick, and the label rejected our last one, so we need to find something to replace it. Now is not a good time.”
I let out a long sigh. He was right on all counts. The last song was proving to be the hardest of them all, and with the label getting pickier about our deeper cuts, it was even more difficult. We’d had to replace the song before this one too. “I know, Matt. But I’m going anyway.”
“Kell—”
“No! I am leaving. Period. I wasn’t asking for permission. I was telling you a fact.” His eyes narrowed, and I sighed again. “I’m going to lose her, Matt. I can feel it.” My eyes and my voice grew pleading as I shrugged. “If it were Rachel, what would you do?”
He looked away as he thought, then finally, he sighed and nodded as he returned his eyes to mine. “Okay. One night, then we need you back.”
I smiled at him, grateful that he wasn’t going to turn this into a huge fight. “I know. Thank you.”
Matt frowned, and when he spoke his voice was thick with sullenness. “No need to thank me, you were leaving anyway, remember?”
The look on his face made my smile grow. “I know. But still, thank you.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “It’s a little easier to leave knowing you understand. Somewhat.”
He smirked at me, then nodded. “When are you leaving?”
I thought about that for a second. We were on our way to New Orleans—Griffin was all excited about exploring the French Quarter. Well, more accurately, he was excited to get trashed in the French Quarter. We had two shows in the city, but at different venues. Because of commitment issues with the venues, there was a day off between the two shows. I could leave after the show tonight, then come back in the morning and have plenty of time to work out a song with Matt. Maybe even record it for Lana if all went well with selecting a song. This was actually a really great time for me to leave. “I’ll take a late flight back home tonight, then return in the morning…so we can work on our night off.”
Matt beamed at me, finally pleased. Grinning back, I handed him my phone. “Help me buy my ticket?”
The smile immediately fell off him and he slowly shook his head. I laughed while he muttered, “A hundred and five…”
I was more energized than I’d been in a while that night, and the show was particularly good. I think Matt noticed. After the show, he smiled and nodded at me. I took that to mean, Yeah, you’re right, you need a break. The second we were done, I left. I didn’t grab a bag, didn’t change my clothes…I just left. Kiera had everything I needed, and sadly, my visit wasn’t going to be a long one.
A cab met me around back, and I hopped in with a huge grin on my face. I almost couldn’t believe this was happening. I was going back home. Home. God, just the word made me feel better. I would finally see Kiera again, hold her in my arms, convince her that I loved her more than anything, that nothing was going on with me…and hope and pray that nothing was going on with her. We could reconnect, and hopefully when I left again, we’d be stronger. We’d be one again.
The plane ride was long, tiring. The two guys beside me slept the entire way, but I was too excited to sleep. I couldn’t even close my eyes. I just bounced my knee and waited, waited, waited. When the plane finally started descending, I started grinning. Almost there.
When the plane touched down, and we rolled to our gate, I debated calling Kiera and letting her know where I was. She had no idea how close I was to her. It was easy to picture her face, picture her surprise. I imagined her leaping into my arms, kissing every inch of me. Then I imagined the look on her face as I surprised her. I pictured her hearing me knocking, her brows bunched in confusion as she swung the door open, her jaw dropping as she saw me, the excited squeal, the tears in her eyes…
I wanted that vision, so I left my phone in my pocket and decided not to call her.
I was buzzing with excitement as I got into a taxi. I gave him Kiera’s address, then changed my mind and asked him to stop at a grocery store—any grocery store. I wanted to get Kiera some flowers. Even though I’d been bombarding her with roses ever since missing her on our anniversary, it just didn’t feel right to show up emptyhanded. In a way, this was our anniversary 2.0. And this one, I wasn’t going to screw up. Tonight was going to be perfect.
The taxi stopped in front of Kiera’s apartment, and I gave the driver a huge tip for the inconvenience of having to help me run an errand. “Thank you, I appreciate it,” I told him, lifting my bouquet of roses.
He nodded, smiling either at my gift for my girlfriend or the wad of cash I’d handed him. Probably the latter. As the cab drove away, I looked up at Kiera’s apartment building and inhaled a deep cleansing breath. Thank God…I’m finally close to her again. I could finally breathe again. I smiled up at a window on her level, then I remembered something, and my gaze swept the parking lot. I felt an actual pang in my chest when I spotted my car…my baby.
Biting my lip, I flicked a glance at Kiera’s level again, then back to my car. Kiera could wait another moment…I needed to say hello to my other girl first. I was grinning as I walked over to the Chevelle. Kiera had parked her next to a light, and she looked perfect—shiny, like she’d recently been washed, all the windows intact, no visible scrapes or scratches. I peeked into the windows, looking inside. Like the exterior, the interior was also perfect—no garbage, no stains, no tears. She was pristine, just as I liked her to be.
Running a hand over the roof, I sighed in contentment. God, I’d missed my car. “Hey, girl,” I whispered. “Kiera taking good care of you?”
I looked around to see if I was alone, then laid my head on the roof and gave my car a brief hug. Damn. Maybe Evan was right…maybe I was too attached to my car. Laughing at myself, I straightened up and patted the roof. “I’ll be back for you soon, girl.”
I gave the Chevelle one last, long look, then turned toward the apartment building. I needed to hug the girl who could hug me back. I hummed to myself as I took the stairs to Kiera’s level. The grin on my face was huge when I got to her door. I could hear talking inside, so I knew someone was up. Was that Kiera or Anna? Their voices could be eerily similar at times. But the other voice was lower, male, so even though it really sounded more like Kiera, it had to be Anna. Great. If she was on a date, I might have to take Kiera to my place. Actually, I was totally fine with that.
I raised my hand to knock but decided to try the door first. I frowned as the knob easily twisted. They shouldn’t leave the door unlocked, especially this late at night. I pushed the door open, and the vague sound of the guy speaking suddenly shifted into coherent words: “Let’s talk about the kiss.”
The familiarity of the accented voice sent a shockwave of icy surprise through me. But when I saw who was in Kiera’s apartment…it felt like someone had just pushed me off the tallest building in town and I was plummeting to my death. Denny. Denny was here, talking to Kiera like he’d never left. What. The. Fuck?
My mind couldn’t quite snap together the pieces of what I was seeing. Kiera, sitting on her hideous orange couch, her arms looped around my former best friend…his arms wrapped around her like she still belonged to him. Kiera smiling, laughing. Their heads close together, like they were about to kiss…or like they’d just finished kissing.
Kiss…that was what he’d said. Let’s talk about the kiss. What kiss? Did he just fucking kiss her? My stomach filled with acid while my veins filled with venom. What the fuck was he even doing here? What the fuck were they doing together? Jesus fucking Christ, was this her secret? That Denny was back in town…and now he was kissing her? Did he come back for her? Knowing I was gone? How long had he been here? With her. Fuck.
The pair finally noticed me. They pulled away from each other, their smiles falling, their arms dropping, their eyes widening. I felt like I was going to be sick as I witnessed their stunned, guilty expressions. The only thing keeping my stomach in check, was the rage circulating throughout my body. I held onto it as tightly as I could—anything to block out the pain. What the hell is going on here?
“I felt bad for missing our anniversary. We had a short break in the schedule, and even though Matt’s irked at me for taking off, I just had to come out and see you.” I could barely speak my jaw was so tight, and my entire body was vibrating with pent-up anger. Eyes narrowed in fury, I flicked a glance between them. Why is he here? “I wanted to surprise you. Are you surprised…? Because I know I am.”
Kiera instantly moved away from Denny. Standing, she held up her hands. “I can explain.”
Really? She had an excuse for being with him? For the kiss that Denny wanted to talk about? Because they had sure looked pretty fucking cozy when I interrupted. How could she possibly explain the cuddling I witnessed? Overcome with the rage inside me, I slammed the door shut as I stepped closer. I pointed at them with the bouquet of flowers still in my hand. “You can explain! Explain what, exactly? The fact that he is sitting in your living room and not thousands of miles away, or the fact that you had your hands all over each other!”
I knew I was yelling, I knew I was losing it…and I didn’t fucking care. They’d kissed, I just knew it. And a small part of me…wasn’t surprised. Maybe her being with Denny was shocking, but her finding comfort in another man…no, not really. I’d almost been expecting this.
Tossing the flowers to the ground, since they weren’t needed anymore, I stormed into the living room. Kiera stepped forward and put her hands on my chest, trying to stop me. Her face was pale, the green of her eyes sharp and intense. There was fear in her expression but not for herself…no, her quick glances at Denny told me what she was really afraid of—me hurting him. Seeing the concern made my blood boil. I pushed my body against her hands, getting closer to her. “I’m listening…start explaining!”
She swallowed…and looked for all the world like she didn’t know what to say. Denny slowly rose from the couch in her silence. “Kiera…I told you to tell him…” he murmured.
My eyes snapped to the friend I’d never expected to see again, especially in my girlfriend’s living room. You were supposed to be better than me. “Tell me what? Tell me about the kiss? Is that what I heard you say?” My focus returned to Kiera. “Is that what you need to tell me, Kiera…or is there more?” Jesus…are you fucking him?
Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head. “No, Kellan, he didn’t kiss me.”
Filling in the blanks, I pushed her shoulders back, getting her away from me. “Then you kissed him?”
She looked like she was about to break down. She looked so fucking guilty. But still, she tried to act like she was innocent. “No, Kellan, I didn’t kiss anybody…”
Liar. I stepped up to her, forcing her back with my body until her legs hit the couch. Her breath was faster, but oddly, what I sensed coming from her was attraction. Really? She wanted me? Even odder…I wanted her too. It had been so long since we’d been this close, and there was desire flickering to life inside me, buried just underneath the rage. I ignored it. I didn’t want to want her. Not if she was cheating on me. “But someone kissed you? Who?” Explain that statement…if you can.
That was when I felt a hand on my arm. “Kellan…relax, mate.”
Those words sent my slim control over the edge. Twisting to Denny, I shoved him, hard. “Don’t fucking call me ‘mate’! Why the hell are you with my girl?”
Denny stumbled with the force of my push. He caught himself before falling and slowly straightened to standing. The warmth in his brown eyes vanished as he narrowed them at me. “Right…your girl.”
Denny’s dark hair was longer than before, his facial hair thicker, it made him seem older, more mature, more in control of himself, but even still, I could feel his simmering anger as he glared at me. It was nowhere near mine though. I know I fucked you over, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit back and let you do the same thing to me. My fingers clenched into a fist as I stared at him. Want to go another round, Denny? Because this time…I won’t just stand there and take it. I will fight for her.
Kiera suddenly grabbed my face and turned me to look at her. “A girl at school kissed me! Okay?” she said in a rush.
Her pleading eyes searched mine, and for a moment, the shock of what she’d said released some of my anger. “A girl? Really?” I looked for any sign of a lie, but I wasn’t finding any. The kiss comment was about a girl? It had nothing to do with Denny?
Kiera sighed, looking weary but no longer guilty. “Yes, a girl. Denny and I haven’t done anything wrong. You stepped into a situation that was easy to take out of context.” She began stroking my face, and the compassion and sympathy in her eyes made a large chunk of my anger fade. “But I didn’t kiss her back. I haven’t kissed anyone…but you.”
Is that true? I tried to find any trace of deception on her face, in her voice, but all I could sense coming from her was honesty. Was it really the truth, though? Or had she just become a better liar? But why lie to me now? I’d caught them, busted them in the act…why not just tell me what was going on? Why keep holding onto a secret unnecessarily? That seemed unfairly cruel, and I’d never known Kiera to be intentionally, blatantly cruel. Confused, sure, but not cruel. So maybe…maybe she was being honest. Maybe she wasn’t cheating on me. Please let that be true.
My residual anger downshifted into irritation as I considered the fact that I might have overreacted. Giving her a crooked smile, I tried to lighten the mood. “You got kissed by a girl and I missed it?” Now that the fury was receding, that thought was a little intriguing. I would have liked to see that.
Kiera smiled as she lightly thumped my chest. From beside me, I heard Denny clear his throat and say, “I’ll let you two work this out.”
I turned my attention back to Denny. Maybe she hadn’t kissed him, hadn’t fucked him, but she still hadn’t mentioned that he was here. How long had he been here? Why was he here? Some of the heat returned to my voice when I said, “What are you doing here?” I’d told him the truth when he was in my position…it was his turn now.
Denny sighed, then shook his head. “Look, I don’t want to be involved with this. I’m here for work, nothing more. I told her to tell you way back in February that I was here, but she was scared to…” He sighed again, while I stewed over his words. February? Fuck. “But that’s between the two of you and I don’t want to be here to watch you discuss it.”
I considered his words…and believed him. Kiera might have reason to lie still—if she thought the truth would end us—but Denny…he didn’t have a single reason to lie to me. If he wanted Kiera back, he’d tell me, especially if telling me improved his chances of getting back together with her. He had no reason to tell me he was only here for work, other than to state a fact. And he honestly looked like he’d rather be anywhere but this living room. He didn’t seem to want to fight me for her, he just wanted to be gone. I nodded at him, accepting his answer.
He brushed past me, his dark eyes never leaving mine. Once he was well clear of me, his gaze shifted to Kiera. “Thanks for listening, Kiera. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Those words made a pang of something dark, painful, and spiteful rip through me. Call you tomorrow? Seriously? Denny glanced at me a final time before grabbing his jacket and leaving. I glared at him the entire time. While I appreciated his honesty, that comment was hitting every last nerve I had. What the hell was going on here? Why hadn’t either of them told me about it?
The anger reignited as I turned back around to face Kiera. “He’ll call you tomorrow? What? Are you guys…buddies now?” I’d dealt with their phone friendship. That had seemed relatively safe, but this…
Kiera’s face was soft, calm as she shook her head. Her hand was on my chest, and her fingers trailed down my stomach. My muscles tightened as her hand drifted lower. I tried to push back the electric sensation of her touching me, tried to block the desire that was resurfacing. It was nearly impossible to not be turned on by her; even angry, a part of me would always want her.
“Yes, we are,” she said. “And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you he was here. I didn’t know how you’d react.”
They were friends now? In-person, let’s-hang-out friends? The word seemed foreign to me when put in context with Kiera. I didn’t think I could ever be just friends with her. No, I knew I couldn’t. I’d never been able to be just friends with her when we were friends; that was the bulk of our problem in the beginning. Was it possible for them though? To be just friends in person? I wasn’t sure. I remembered too clearly how hard it was for Kiera to leave him.
