Painful, page 24
My throat started closing up, the ache of leaving her stealing my voice. Kiera nodded, and I swallowed through the pain, so I could tell her one last thing. One last assurance. One final plea for her to wait for me. “I’ll still be with you every night, Kiera. Every night, no matter where I am, I’m crawling into bed with you. Our bed will be a lot bigger, miles wide, but it will still just be you and me inside it…okay?”
She nodded against me again, still silent, still shaking. “This doesn’t have to change anything…if we don’t let it. So, let’s not let it, all right?” Please…don’t stop loving me. Don’t forget about me. Don’t let me go. Don’t let us go.
I could feel the tears down her cheeks now. My own were burning against my eyelids. “All right…” she choked out.
I pulled back to search her face. She looked…desolate. No. I didn’t want to hurt her like this. “Are you okay?”
And right before my eyes, she fell apart. Choking back a sob, tears flowing freely, she shook her head, and started spouting frantic, panicked words. “No, no, I’m not okay. I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want this. I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay here with me. I want you to give it all up and stay here with me…please.”
And then she started to sob in earnest. It tore me open, seeing her pain. I never wanted to hurt her like this. I almost told her, “Okay.” I even inhaled a breath, prepared to do it, but as I did, I knew I couldn’t. This wasn’t just about us. Plus…everyone else had said goodbye without it feeling so…monumental. I wanted that for us. I wanted the comfort and safety that came from trust, and I knew Kiera and I would never get there if we didn’t relax our hold on each other. We needed to let go, so we could be stronger, better. Even though it scared the living fuck out of me, I had to leave.
But watching her lose it…oddly enough, it was doing something else to me, besides cause me pain. In a weird way, it was also healing me. I’d been waiting for her to fall apart like she had for Denny. A dark, twisted part of me had been wanting it. But she’d always seemed so calm, so upbeat, so supportive. It was surprisingly nice to see the grief. To see the love that she had for me. She didn’t want me to leave either. She was going to miss me.
I let out a long, relieved exhale, and I felt stress I hadn’t even known I’d been carrying slide off of me. Smiling at her, I started brushing the tears away. “Good, I’m glad to hear you say that. I really thought this wasn’t affecting you.” I gave her two soft kisses before pulling back to gaze at her. Her sobs slowed as she locked onto my eyes. “I love you too, Kiera…so much. I’m gonna miss you…every second.”
She nodded, swallowed, and then closed her eyes. She inhaled a deep breath, and I could see her trying to relax, trying to control the pain, trying to transform the misery into something positive. Watching her do it was inspiring, and I felt my own mood shifting as I studied her.
Then her eyes snapped open. “You’ll be gone,” she whispered, looking both surprised and saddened. Yes…I know. Her face looked like she meant something specific though. When she could see I didn’t understand, she added, “This will be our first Christmas…together…and you’ll be gone.”
She looked like she was going to start breaking down again, but I saw an opportunity. With a reassuring smile, I told her, “I won’t be working over the holidays. I do get some time off.”
A sigh left her lips. “But who knows where you’ll be. You couldn’t possibly fly across the country just to spend a couple of days with me.”
Really? I’d fly from one end of the earth to the other just to spend an hour with you. Less than an hour. “Why not? People do it all the time.”
She shrugged, looking guilty for even asking for me to be inconvenienced for her. Didn’t she realize it wasn’t an inconvenience at all? I’d be ecstatic to meet up with her. Best day of my life. “Where will you be for Christmas?” I asked her.
Shaking her head, she shrugged again and said, “With my family in Ohio, I guess. I’ll probably spend my winter break there.”
Perfect. “Then I’ll meet you there…in Ohio.” She tried to protest, but I cut her off with a kiss. “No, I’ve always wanted to meet your parents, see your hometown. When I get the time off, I’ll come to you.” I couldn’t contain my excitement as I thought about it. This was just what we needed—plans. “We’ll do Christmas with your family. It’ll be great, Kiera.”
She sighed, then nodded, adorably biting her lip. “All right…it’s a date.”
I leaned down to kiss her, and I never wanted to stop. Various band members flowed past us, getting on their buses, but we ignored them. I even ignored Griffin, who had the balls to murmur, “Yes, Kellan…God, yes.” That almost got me to release her, but kissing Kiera was too important. The only thing that finally did get me to stop was the bus driver yelling, “Hey! If you’re supposed to be on the bus, get on now. We’re leaving with or without you!”
With a sigh, I stopped kissing her. I had to swallow the lump in my throat as I forced myself to move away from her; it was surprisingly difficult to get my feet to move anywhere that wasn’t toward her. Our hands moved down each other’s arms, and I savored the connection right until the very end, when our fingertips brushed together. And then we were apart. Separate. The loss of her hit me like a blow to the gut, especially when she started sobbing again. God, I couldn’t do this. It was too hard.
But I didn’t have a choice. And if I didn’t go now, I’d fuck things up for the rest of my band. I couldn’t screw them over because I had attachment issues.
Adjusting my guitar on my back, I turned from her and strode purposely to the bus. This wasn’t goodbye. There were no goodbyes. The driver smirked at me as he closed the door behind me. “Glad you could join us.”
I know, I know. Sorry. I nodded at him, then looked for my band. The front half of the bus was a bunch of bench seats with small tables between them, and my friends were all seated at one near the back, near the tiny cubbies that were passing as beds. I tossed my guitar onto one of the bottom beds and joined the guys. Evan clapped me on the back, sympathy in his eyes. Griffin bounced up and down on the seat, like a little kid on a field trip. “Can you believe this shit, Kell?”
I gave him a brief smile in answer. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk.
The windows lining the bus opened quite a bit, and band members were sticking their heads out to say goodbye to the people they were leaving behind. Evan waved at Jenny, then let me share his spot so I could say goodbye to Kiera. She was still where I’d left her, standing with Jenny, Rachel, and Anna. I gave her a small wave as I leaned on the window.
The bus driver did a quick headcount, then the bus rumbled to life. The other guys ducked back inside as the bus started moving, but I stayed put, staring at Kiera staring at me. She was crying. I fought back my own tears as I watched her. The bus started moving faster, but I still didn’t sit down. I stared at Kiera, just as she stared at me, for as long as I could. Until finally we were too far away, and I couldn’t see her anymore. Then I closed the window and twisted to slump into the seat. She’s gone. No…I’m gone. But not forever. I’d be back, and she’d be waiting. She had to be. I wouldn’t survive any other scenario.
Evan and Matt both had the same contemplative look on their faces as they sat there, staring at the table. I had to assume my face was the same as theirs. If it weren’t for Griffin, grinning and smacking his hands on the table like he was playing the bongos, our section would have been swirling with so much melancholy, it probably would have been a physical thing, hovering in the air. Evan was right; I wasn’t the only one who was going to be missing someone.
Inhaling a deep breath, I made myself relax. We needed to snap out of this funk. Matt was sitting directly across from me, chewing gum; he still had the wrapper in his hand, unconsciously playing with it as he blankly stared at nothing. I motioned for him to give it to me. He bunched his brows but handed it over. Crumpling it up, I set it on the table, then lined it up with Griffin. Evan and Matt were watching with small smiles on their faces, while Griffin obliviously watched the guys sitting across the aisle from us. I flicked the paper with my finger, nailing him right in the face. Matt and Evan instantly started laughing. Mission accomplished.
Griffin scowled as he looked over at me. He grabbed the paper from where it had landed on the table and halfheartedly chucked it at me. With a laugh, I easily batted it away. “Douchewads,” he murmured. “I’m gonna go mingle.” Then he got up and found a table full of new people to bug.
Matt snorted, then followed after him. While Evan relaxed back in his seat, looking a lot happier, I suddenly remembered something. I had nonstop access to Kiera resting in my pocket. No time like the present to call her. And besides…I really wanted to make sure she was okay. Smiling, I pulled out my cell phone and called her number.
I could hear her laughing before she spoke. Good. “Hello?” she giggled.
“Hey, is it too early to miss you?” I playfully asked. Evan rolled his eyes at me, shaking his head.
Kiera’s joyous laugh met my ear again. “No, it’s never too early for that. I miss you too, Kellan.”
Evan’s face and Kiera’s admittance made me laugh. “Good.” A wonderful thought struck me as I pictured her grinning at me. “Is it too early for phone sex?”
Evan raised an eyebrow at me, and I bit my lip to not laugh. I knew Kiera would never agree to do that—not with where we currently were, but it did make me wonder…would she, if we were alone?
“Kellan!” she screeched, confirming my assumption.
She was so cute; I couldn’t stop the laugh that came out. Especially when she started stammering, too flustered to even speak. Oh yeah, when we were alone, that was happening. I’d never had a reason to try phone sex before. There was never anyone I wanted to be with who wasn’t physically in front of me before, but now…I couldn’t wait to make her come just by using my voice. Just thinking about it was starting to turn me on.
“I’m just teasing, Kiera.” For the moment. “I’m glad you’re okay. I thought you might be a blubbering mess by now.”
“Yeah, well, your recruits have done their job well.”
She seemed a little miffed by that, but I loved it. Thank you, Jenny. “Good, then part one of my plan has been successful.”
Her confusion was adorable. “Part one? Wait…what plan?”
“Just a little something to keep you occupied while I’m gone.” To make sure you never get the chance to forget about me.
“Hmmm, I see,” she murmured. And damn…something about the purr in her voice when she said that was really starting to light my fire, so to speak. This was going to be a painful six months. I could already tell. But no, I was going to see her for Christmas. And that wasn’t all that far away.
A content sigh left me as I smiled. “I’m liking this phone idea you had. This is nice, being able to talk to you whenever I want to.” This would definitely make being apart bearable.
“Yeah, see, I knew you’d like it better than handcuffs.”
Well, damn. “Oh, hey now…I didn’t say that,” I murmured with a laugh. I couldn’t stop the image that popped into my head. God, I should not be thinking about her chained to my bed. I did not need a stiffy while Evan was sitting right next to me. But then I heard a sound that cooled my fire…and filled me with longing. The throaty growl of a really fucking cool car. “Did you just start my baby?” I asked with a sigh. Was it wrong that I missed the Chevelle too?
Kiera laughed, amused by my obsession with my car. “Well, I do have to drive her home, so…yeah.”
I immediately sat up straighter. “Well, you shouldn’t drive and talk on the phone, so I’ll let you go.” I didn’t want my baby—or her—injured because we were chatting, and she was distracted.
I could tell she was frowning as she murmured, “Okay…I love you.”
Loving this constant connection to her, a happy sigh left me. “I love you too. I’ll call you later tonight.”
We said goodbye, then I disconnected and put the phone back in my pocket. Evan was looking at me funny as I did. “What?” I asked.
He twisted in his seat to face me. “That conversation reminded me of something…I think we need to talk.”
Genuinely clueless, I scrunched my face trying to think about anything we would possibly need to talk about that would make him look so…annoyed. The crack about phone sex? It wasn’t like I’d actually whip it out and jack-off in front of him. I had some class. “Okay…about what?”
Lips pursed, he lifted an eyebrow at me. “The photo.”
“What pho…?” My words died as I stared at him openmouthed. Oh…right. That photo. “Jenny told you?” I said, cringing.
Lips still twisted, he nodded. “Yep. Right after she did it.”
Biting my lip, I searched Evan’s face for signs of violence. Would he hit me for that? I probably should have cleared it with him first. No, I definitely should have cleared it with him first. Asking his girlfriend to take a very sexy, nearly nude photograph probably crossed about a dozen guy-code lines. Damn it. Sometimes I didn’t think things through well enough.
“I…” With a long exhale, I shrugged. “I’m sorry. I should have asked you. I just…it didn’t occur to me. Jenny’s not…I don’t see her like that. She’s just…so artistic, you know? And I couldn’t do it myself, and she said she’d help, and then they were throwing water on me, and it was really fucking cold, and it just didn’t seem…” He was still just staring at me as I rambled. I stopped and let out another long sigh. “Fuck, man, I’m sorry.” Tilting my head, I showed him my jaw. “Here…hit me. You’ll feel better. Come on.”
Evan started laughing, and I furrowed my brows, confused. “Dude, I’m not mad at you. If anyone could take that shot for you, it was Jenny. You made the right call.”
Shaking my head, I tried to understand. “If that didn’t bother you, then why…?”
His eyes narrowed. “You made her delete them all? She was really proud of those shots, and you didn’t let her keep one? Really? It might have been your body, but it was her work, so she kind of owned it too. You should have let her keep some to put in her portfolio.”
My jaw dropped as I stared at him. “I’m…sorry?”
With a grin, he shook his head. Then he punched me in the arm. “I can’t believe you asked my girlfriend to take a nude photo of you. Asshole.”
Seeing that he was more amused than upset, I laughed and rubbed my shoulder. “I wasn’t nude, I swear.”
He laughed too as he relaxed in his seat. “Yeah, I know.” Twisting his head to me, he raised an eyebrow. “You’d be dead if you’d been nude.” He laughed after he said it, shaking his head. “Asshole,” he murmured again.
“Sorry,” I repeated, still laughing.
Guess he was a smidge mad at me. Matt might be too, if Rachel had mentioned her part in the photography session. Damn. Guess I owed him an apology as well. And I should probably say something to Griffin for overreacting this morning. Look at me, offending people left and right. But through the sea of sorrys that I needed to make, there was one apology that was sticking out way more than the others.
Inhaling a deep breath, I pulled out my phone again…and called Denny.
It took a while for him to pick up, and when he did…he sounded half-dead. “Yeah?”
I instantly cringed. “Oh fuck…it’s super early again, isn’t it?”
“Hey, Kellan…yeah, it’s pretty early.”
“Sorry. I just…I needed to apologize for what I said…when I was wasted last night. You know, about…” Don’t make me spell it out, please.
Denny sighed. “Yeah, I know exactly what you’re talking about.” He let out a long exhale. “It’s fine. I know you weren’t saying it to be…I’m fine, Kellan.”
Angling my head away from Evan and the others on the bus, I said, “Yeah, okay, I just…I feel really bad. I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.” The line was silent for a while, then he said, “So did you leave? Are you on the road?”
I looked back at the bus full of people smiling, laughing…picking on Griffin. “Yeah, we just took off.”
“Adventure awaits, huh? Well, I’m sure you’ll have…fun.”
The way he said it was odd, and I couldn’t tell exactly what he meant by it. Because it almost sounded like he thought I was going to have fun by being bad. Being dirty. Being me. Well, pre-Kiera me. A part of me wanted to assure him that I wasn’t going to screw around on Kiera…but that was just too weird to say. Have no fear, Denny, I won’t cheat on the woman I stole from you. God, I was a dick. It was no great wonder that he thought that way about me. No, the only surprise here was that he still talked to me at all.
The silence between us became awkward, until finally Denny cleared his throat. “Anyway, I should try and get some more sleep. Good luck, Kellan.”
An odd swell of shame washed over me. “Yeah, thanks, Denny.”
I was just about to tell him goodbye when he lightly laughed. “And can you please learn about time zones?”
A smile broke over me, lightening my mood. “Yes…sorry.”
Evan’s brows were bunched again when I put my phone away. “You still talk to Denny?” he asked, seeming genuinely mystified.
With a shrug, I told him, “Yeah…kind of. It’s not always easy. There’s a lot of things…we just can’t talk about.”
Evan stared at me a moment, then nodded, clapped my shoulder, and let the conversation go. I was grateful because I suddenly felt…a little less optimistic.
Chapter 15
SHOWTIME
The bus was a cacophony of noise, but somehow, I managed to fall asleep. Saying goodbye was exhausting. When I woke up, there were a bunch of strangers at my table, playing cards.
I lifted my head from where I’d been resting against the window to look at them, and they nodded a greeting. Guess we were going to be pretty chummy on this bus. “Hey,” I said stretching out the kinks. “What are we playing?”
