Painful, page 13
A sliver of annoyance ran up my spine. Getting called out on future bad behavior when I had no intention of doing anything wrong was frustrating. But I understood her comment, and I really couldn’t be mad at her for saying it. There was a pretty huge stereotype around rock stars—partying, women, drugs…all-around general mayhem. It was part of the appeal for some musicians, like Griffin, but not for me. All I wanted from this life was to play our music, have fun with my friends, and have Kiera next to me. And in all honesty, two of those things I could get by without.
Not wanting her to worry about future me, since I was going to be just fine, I shut off my irritation and decided to make light of the ridiculous comment she’d just made instead. “Wait, Behind the Music?” Wow…just how famous was I in her version of my future? Entertained by how she saw me, I jokingly said, “You’ve already mapped out my career, haven’t you?” I ducked down and playfully looked her in the eye. “So, what is it? Booze? Gambling? Buying too many yachts?”
Couldn’t she see how absurd this conversation was? I’d probably come right back here after the tour, and that would be the end of my fifteen minutes. Somewhere deep inside, she had to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. The kind of fame she was talking about was exceedingly rare…and not really what I was looking for. But it really didn’t matter either way, because even if that crazy situation somehow did happen to me, it wouldn’t change me. I wasn’t going to go nuts or anything. I liked my simple life, especially now that Kiera was sharing it with me.
Kiera lightly tapped my chest, amused at my outlandish suggestion, but then she said, “No, for you, it’s women.” Her face fell as she shook her head. “Always women.”
I could hear the trace of pain in her voice, the sadness, and I knew I hadn’t successfully lightened her worries. She truly was scared about my future, about our future. I understood that too; her fear mirrored my own. Kiera still didn’t think she was enough for me, and as happy as she was for me, she was worried about me replacing her down the road…just as worried as I was about her replacing me one day. It was that same dark cloud that always seemed to hover over us. How could we possibly survive with all of this doubt between us? Was this our downfall? Endlessly worrying about the other person’s fidelity until we drove each other insane.
We wouldn’t last long that way…even I knew that. We needed to shift our thinking. We needed to start doing what we’d said we would do—try to trust each other. Otherwise…there really would be nothing left for me to come home to. And I needed to come home to her. I couldn’t picture my life without her.
Sadness overtook me as I searched her face. “You have to trust me, Kiera.” I tried to crack a hopeful smile, but I knew I wasn’t succeeding. “Just like I have to trust you.” That was the only way we were going to have the lasting future I desperately wanted.
Needing to lighten the mood, I immediately grinned and made a crack about her getting tired of me one day, maybe leaving me for a Jonas Brother once I’d sold out and hit the bottle. Amused by the picture I’d painted, her mood finally brightened. She rapped me on the chest again before leaning up to kiss me. “Never. You’re mine, washed-up or not.”
Exactly, Kiera. Exactly.
“Good,” I murmured against her lips. “Because none of that is going to happen.” I pulled back to look at her. I wanted her to absorb what I was about to say, believe it with all of her heart. “It’s just a six-month tour with a bunch of other bands, most of which are small and unsigned, just like us. And when we’re all crammed together on a smelly bus, I’ll be wishing that I was back at home with you.” This isn’t the beginning of our end. It’s just a brief intermission…not a big deal.
Feeling her warmth filling me, I pressed my head against hers. “And when the six months are up, that’s exactly where you’ll find me…in bed with you.” Never to leave again.
“I hope so,” she breathed.
Not wanting her to feel anything but wonderful and secure in my love for her, I whispered, “I know so.” But even still, my brain couldn’t help but reverberate in agreement with her statement. I hope so too, Kiera.
Chapter 8
ALMOST TIME
The guys were so excited to leave, they started a countdown on Evan’s whiteboard. Forty days until we left for a six-month tour. Then thirty-five days…then thirty…twenty. Each time they changed the number, they talked about how great it was going to be when we headed out. Each time I saw them change the number, I started to freak out a little more inside. What if this was a mistake? What if Kiera and I couldn’t handle this? What if the physical separation created an emotional one? What if she couldn’t deal with being alone? What if she found comfort from someone else?
But no. She’s not going to do that to me, I’m not going to do that to her. We were choosing to trust each other, that was our agreement. One that seemed so simple on the surface, so easy to say, but goddamn, actually doing it was really fucking hard. Every day the what ifs were slowly killing me, poisoning me with their darkness, and I hadn’t even left yet.
“I still can’t tell if you’re excited about this.”
I looked over to see Evan studying me as I drove. Pushing aside my worry, I forced a carefree smile to my face. “Going to see Poetic Bliss? To ask Rain if she and the girls will take over our spot at Pete’s while we’re gone? I don’t know. I’m not excited, but I’m not…un-excited either. More ambivalent than anything,” I said with a shrug.
Pete loved having a band play at his bar, but he hated finding talent. To ease his stress, we’d agreed to find him a temporary replacement before we left. Rain and the rest of her band—Meadow, Sunshine, Tuesday, and Blessing—was our most promising option. They were a fun group of girls. We’d hung out on occasion before, and Rain and I…well, she was very forward, and at the time, I’d been up for anything with anyone. We’d had a little fun in my car once, but that was all it had been—a bit of fun.
Returning my eyes to the road, I finished with, “I am glad that we won’t be leaving Pete in a bind, and I think Poetic Bliss will be a good fit for the bar. They’re fairly similar to our sound.” And as an added bonus, they were an all-female band, so I wouldn’t have to worry about some punk-ass rock star wannabe trying to get into Kiera’s pants. That was my job, and mine alone.
From the corner of my eye, I noticed Evan cocking an eyebrow at my answer. “While I agree with that assessment, which is why I suggested them, Poetic Bliss wasn’t what I was talking about, and you know it.”
A long sigh left my lips. “You meant the tour. Yeah…of course, I’m totally pumped about it.”
“It shows,” he said with a laugh. “What with you missing almost every rehearsal lately, rarely leaving Kiera’s side, looking preoccupied whenever you’re away from her…Yeah, it’s easy to see just how pumped you are.”
I gave him an annoyed sidelong glance. “I am looking forward to it, I swear. It’s just…things with Kiera are so fragile right now. The thought of being gone for so long…it’s really freaking me out.”
“Fragile? I don’t think that’s true, Kell. You guys seem pretty solid to me,” he responded with a shrug.
“Yeah…” That’s what Denny thought too and look what happened to him. God, I wished I could stop thinking about that. Would I feel differently about this if I’d never known about her separation anxiety with him? Yeah. Probably.
Like Evan could sense my unspoken words, he gently patted my shoulder. “It will be okay, Kellan. She’ll still be here when you get back. That girl is crazy about you.”
Glancing over at him, I smiled. “Yeah, I know.” We were good, really good. Everything was right as rain…when we were together. It was being apart from her that made doubt-filled acid burn my chest. I constantly prayed Kiera and I were strong enough to be apart for this long because we should be able to be apart without so much…fear. In a weird way, this tour could actually be a huge step forward in our relationship. If it went well. Which meant, I needed to make sure it went well. She had to be absolutely positive that I loved her. Every single second of every single day.
Thinking that made my mood shift again. “Even still, I need to make sure she doesn’t forget about me while I’m gone.” Things between Kiera and Denny had really started fizzling when he’d stopped trying…that meant I couldn’t ever stop trying, not even for a second. But what could I do for her while I was gone? That was the real question.
Evan laughed and shook his head, like he thought I was crazy. “What do you have in mind?” he asked.
Multiple romantic gestures had been swimming in my head for weeks now, ever since I’d agreed to leave. I wanted to do every single one of the ideas that had sprung into my brain, but even I knew that might be over the top. I wanted to show her I cared without looking…desperate. “I’m not sure yet. Something simple, something fun.” Something that ensures I’m constantly on her mind. She can’t forget about what we have if she’s always thinking about me. Right?
I knew Evan would say I was being ridiculous, so I didn’t bother asking him that question, but as we continued on to Rain’s house, it was all I could think about. How could I possibly make sure Kiera wasn’t so lonely that she found another…me? How could I possibly keep me at the top of her thoughts twenty-four-seven? And what if that wasn’t enough?
I was frowning when we arrived at Rain’s house, drowning in darkening thoughts. Evan was still watching me when I shut off the car. “This is gonna be fine, Kell. I promise.”
Knowing he was talking about the tour and not our errand, I gave him a halfhearted smile. It’s nice of you to say that, but that’s not a promise you can make. Or keep. “Shall we go brighten someone’s day?” I asked, trying to make my voice light.
Evan grinned, clapped my shoulder, and nodded. “Let’s go be heroes.”
The door to Rain’s house opened as we approached it, and Rain stood there, staring at us with a huge grin on her face. Rain was a tiny little thing, with dark eyes, pixie-like dark hair, a great voice, a fearless attitude, and boundless energy. She was going to do very well at Pete’s. “Kellan Kyle and Evan Wilder. What brings you two to my neighborhood?” She frowned a little as she looked behind us. “You didn’t bring the jackass, did you?”
Knowing she meant Griffin, I smiled and shook my head. “No, we left him with the babysitter.”
She snorted, then opened the door wider. “Then you can come in.”
“Thanks.”
Her smoky eyes watched me the entire time I walked past her into the house. There was a familiar eagerness on her face, an open invitation that said she would do whatever I wanted to do, I only had to ask. Rain reminded me of myself sometimes. At least, the old version of me. Up for anything, no questions asked. While I’d never really thought about it before, now I kind of wondered…had her childhood sucked as much as mine? Was that why she was so…open with herself? Maybe I should ask her, but then again, it wasn’t my style to pry.
As Evan and I stepped into the house, we nodded at the rest of the band, lounging around, relaxing on their day off. This group hung out together almost as much as the D-Bags hung out together. Maybe we all had dependency issues.
Rain closed the door then walked around us to join her friends. “So…just bored, or was there something specific on your mind?” Her gaze washed over my body, and one of the other girls sniggered.
A small laugh escaped me. “Something specific.” Her eyebrows raised and her smile grew wider. Before the wrong idea could dig itself too far into her head, I quickly added, “A job, actually.”
Rain pursed her lips, momentarily disappointed. But then her grin returned. “What job? Playing with you guys?”
I shook my head. “No, not with us…kind of, in place of us.” Her frown started to return, and another laugh left me. “We need someone to fill in for us at Pete’s.” I looked over at Evan. “We got asked to go on tour…and we’re gonna be gone for a while.” A long while. A fucking long while. An endless fucking long while. God…could I really do this?
Evan frowned at me, and I knew my face had changed again. Darkened with my ever-shifting mood. Inhaling, I forced a smile and looked back at Rain. Her mouth was dropped open in shock.
“Are you fucking with us right now?” she asked, her eyes flicking between Evan, me, and her band. “You want us…to take your spot at Pete’s Bar? The Pete’s Bar?”
“Just until we get back,” I told her with a smile.
She hopped up and down in her chunky combat boots. “Fuck, yes!” She looked back at her bandmates—they were all nodding in agreement, sheer joy on their faces. I’d been fairly certain that would be their reaction. It was a really good gig. One I didn’t want to give up…even if it was just for a few months. Rain returned her eyes to me. “Absolutely, yes. We’ll do it. Thank you, Kellan. Evan.”
She let out another squeal of excitement, then shook her head. “I can’t believe you guys are going on an actual, professional tour. I’d kill for that opportunity,” she said, lightly smacking my arm.
“I’m sure you’ll get your chance,” I told her. “You guys are awesome.”
Rain gave me a seductive smile as she chewed on her lip. “You’re pretty awesome too, Kellan.” I could tell from her face and her voice that she really wanted to celebrate the good news by having another romp in my car. Sorry, Rain. My backseat is permanently reserved for my girlfriend.
Smirking at her suggestive tone, I told the girls, “We’ll let Pete know what’s going on. He’ll have some paperwork for you to fill out, so make sure you stop in soon. You’ll start playing…the second weekend of November.” We were leaving on the first Saturday of the month. While that was still about two weeks away, it sounded way too close, and my stomach started churning with fear and anxiety. This was going to be the longest two weeks of my life. Followed by the longest six months of my life.
Meadow jumped off the couch and wrapped her arms around Rain. After the girls hopped up and down for a minute, squealing and laughing, Meadow turned to me; her dark brown eyes glowed as brightly as her smile. “Thanks, Kellan! We owe you guys, big time!”
With a small laugh, Evan ran a hand over his dark, buzz-cut hair. “Nah, you’re the one doing us a favor. We don’t want to leave Pete with a band that sucks. So, thank you…for not sucking.”
The girls all laughed at his comment. Clearing my throat, I motioned toward the door. “We’ve got a bunch of stuff to take care of today, so, we should go. If you have any questions, just call Pete. He’ll give you guys whatever you need.”
Without looking my way, Rain waved her hand at me and started group-hugging her friends. And just like that, her interest in me was gone. I was forgotten, dismissed, disregarded. Because it was Rain, and I wasn’t interested in rekindling anything with her, I really didn’t care, but it drove home all my fears about Kiera. What if she moved on from me while I was gone? That reaction could be how she treated me when I got back from this…adventure. A dismissive wave as she went about her life without me.
No…not if I could help it. She wasn’t going to forget me; I wouldn’t let her.
When the door shut behind us after we left, we could still hear the girls squealing in excitement. Evan laughed at their exuberance. “They remind me of us, back when we got our first big break.”
A soft chuckle left me as I thought back to when we’d booked our first major show, back in L.A. Griffin had nearly peed himself he’d been so excited. God, that seemed so long ago. We’d all been so carefree back then, not a single fucking worry in the world. But the world hadn’t let us stay that way for long. Or at least, it hadn’t let me stay that way for long. No, fate had wiped out my parents, then sent me on a collision course with my best friend’s girlfriend. And now…now I didn’t know what the hell was going to happen.
“Yeah…” I muttered. “Different time…”
Evan sighed, then smacked me on the back. Hard. “Ow! What the hell?” I snipped, glaring at him.
Frowning, he pointed at the sky. “It’s a beautiful day. You got the girl of your dreams. You’re about to have the experience of a lifetime. Quit fucking moping.”
I blinked at hearing him drop an f-bomb. He didn’t swear all that often since he’d started dating Jenny. She was always getting after us for our language, and it had rubbed off on Evan. Guess my mood was rubbing off on him too. He was staring at me with such an exasperated look on his face that I couldn’t stop the laugh I felt bubbling inside me. When he noticed my mood shifting, he started laughing too.
“Okay…Jesus, I’ll lighten up,” I told him. Reaching around, I rubbed the sore spot on my back. “Why is everyone always smacking me?”
Evan grinned. “Because you’re really fucking frustrating.” He let out a long exhale. “Goddamn, it feels good to swear.” Closing his eyes, he let out a long stream of obscenities. I raised an eyebrow as I patiently waited for him to finish. When he was done, he cracked an eye open. “Got to get it all out now, while Jenny’s not around.”
Shaking my head at him, I opened the door to my car. “And people say I’m whipped,” I muttered.
Evan laughed as he opened the other door. “That’s ‘cause you are, Kell. We all are,” he sighed. Then he frowned. “Well, except for Jackass. He’s gonna be a problem on the road. You know that, right?”
I frowned as I leaned over the car. “Yeah…Matt still has that 12 pack of duct tape, right?”
Evan grinned. “Oh yeah. He’s already got it packed.”
“Thank God,” I laughed. At least there was a hint of some fun in our future. Maybe this wouldn’t be the nightmare I thought it was going to be. Maybe, like Evan said, everything really would be okay. Maybe.
Thinking about all the good times coming my way with my band genuinely brightened my mood as I drove us back to Evan’s loft. If it were possible to take my worry about Kiera out of the equation, this upcoming tour really was what Evan had said—an experience of a lifetime. A dream come true. Traveling around the country with my best friends, playing shows almost every night, singing my heart out to the fans, watching them fall apart. Laughing, drinking, playing…it was almost all of the stuff that I loved to do, rolled up in one. I’d just have to do all of it without the single most important person in my life. I’d have to leave her behind, doing God knows what without me.
