Painful, page 28
Chapter 17
UNEXPECTED
Days later, the guys were still cracking up about Griffin’s bar game. Whenever Justin spotted him, he’d teasingly hold up three fingers. Griffin held up one in response. Then I would hold up two sets of three, and he’d flip me off with both hands. He was such a sore loser. It was a stupid game but messing with him was too much fun.
We were…somewhere in Pennsylvania now, backstage before the show, talking to fans while we waited to go onstage. There were a couple of people wearing D-Bags shirts walking around…it kind of blew me away. It wasn’t like we had a CD out. Matt wanted to make an official website, but I had no idea if it was up and running or not, so I really didn’t understand how anybody here knew who the hell we were. Word of mouth? Or maybe they were following the tour. Or maybe they’d just bought the shirts at the merch booth because they liked the name. That was probably it.
My gaze fell over a pair of girls nearby, sitting in folding chairs, giggling into their cups. Their eyeline was laser beam focused on my body. From behind me, I heard Matt encouragingly say, “They like you…go tell them who we are.”
Twisting my head around, I frowned at him. He shrugged. “How are they going to know if we don’t tell them?”
Smiling, I motioned their way. “You could tell them.”
His blue eyes widened in apprehension, but then he grinned. “I’m not the one they’re undressing.” He clapped my shoulder. “Do your thing, Kell. Score us some fans.”
He was snickering as he walked away. I shook my head as I watched him sit by himself, not socializing, not interacting. No, that was my job, one I typically didn’t mind, but I swear to God, if Matt could pimp me out, he would. Anything to promote the band.
With a laugh, I rolled my eyes and started heading over to the girls. That was when I nearly ran into someone. “Oh, sorry,” I said, taking a step back.
The girl I’d almost crashed into was biting her lip as she looked up at me. She seemed really nervous. I wished I could take the nerves out of the people who approached me. It was cute that they were so anxious, but completely unnecessary. I was just…me.
“Um, you’re Kellan Kyle, right?” she said.
That surprised me. Some of the girls I met backstage knew the band’s name, but most of them didn’t know my name. But maybe this girl had been to Seattle and had seen me play at Pete’s. I’d run into homegrown fans backstage before, although they usually didn’t ask my name, they just said it, like we were friends. Hey, Kellan, long time, no see…
“Yeah, that’s me,” I said, amusement curling my lip into a half-smile.
“John and Susan’s son?” she asked.
My smile instantly dropped. How the fuck did she know the name of my parents? “How do you…?” Leaning in, I examined her more closely. She was extremely attractive, but the features weren’t jumping out at me. I had no memory of her. “Do I know you?”
She suddenly looked really pale. “No, no…we’ve never met,” she said, repetitiously smoothing her honey-brown hair.
Okay, so I hadn’t slept with her. Did we go to school together or something? “How do you know my parents?” I asked, narrowing my eyes as I ransacked my memories. Who the hell is this girl?
“I don’t actually, I just know their names…” She sighed, then closed her eyes. “God, I wasn’t sure how to do this, and now I feel like I’m doing it all wrong…”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, totally and thoroughly confused. Had she stalked me? That was kind of…creepy.
The girl opened her eyes and searched my face a moment before she finally spoke. “Oh God…okay. Well, first things first, my name is Hailey. Hailey Carter.”
My jaw dropped as I stared at her, then my stomach followed suit. Carter. I know that name. That name was burned into my brain, though I never, ever spoke it out loud. Oh my God…no. She couldn’t…she couldn’t be…the world wasn’t that small…
“I was wondering…” she said, still looking extremely uncomfortable. “I really want to introduce you to someone.”
Oh my God…she is.
“No,” I instantly told her. Like a dam had burst, anger flooded through me. Never.
The girl, Hailey, held up her hands. “It’s not what you’re probably thinking. I want to introduce you to my dad.”
She reached into her bag and handed me a photo, a photo that confirmed my horrid suspicion…my terrifying fear. I know this photo. Mom had shown it to me before. Gavin Carter…the man who’d stolen his best friend’s wife, who’d knocked her up…with me. The man I resembled so much it was undeniable that we were related. The man who’d abandoned me, fed me to the monsters who’d raised me. The man who’d given me life and then ruined my life. Jesus. I can’t do this right now. Or ever.
“You see, I think my dad…is your dad too,” Hailey said with a shrug.
I immediately tossed the photo at her, shaking my head as both pain and rage sizzled my stomach. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. John Kyle was my dad. He’s dead, both my parents are dead. I have no family.” Dad? No, Gavin wasn’t “Dad” to me. He was nothing to me.
Hailey’s face scrunched in a look that expressed both guilt and determination as she shoved the photo back into her bag. “I’m sorry, I know this is hard to hear…weird to hear, probably. But trust me, John Kyle wasn’t your biological father. My dad…he told me what happened between him and your mom. He told me about the affair. He told me he left when your mom got pregnant. I’ve known all about you my entire life. I’ve been wanting to meet you…my entire life.”
Her voice warbled with emotion, and my jaw slackened as I stared at her. And that was when what she was saying took on an entirely different meaning for me. The anger shifted into an odd, yet profound sense of wonder as I took in the unmistakable similarities. I felt like I was in some alternate reality as I scanned her face: the rare, midnight-blue eyes, the line of her jaw, the perfectly placed cheekbones, the curve of her mouth…it was all a more feminine version…of me.
“You’re my…sister?” My voice hitched on the word, a word I never thought would be associated with me. A word I suddenly, desperately wanted to be associated with me.
Hailey smiled, and I was again struck by how much we looked alike. How did I not see it instantly? A fat tear rolled down her cheek as she nodded. “Yeah. Surprise.”
A laugh escaped me, and then I was pulling her into me for a hug. I’d never in a million years thought I’d have family out there somewhere that wanted to know me. It was like a prayer I hadn’t even asked for had somehow been answered. But even still, a painful sear ripped through me when her slim arms wrapped around me, and I immediately let her go. It was too much.
We stumbled apart from each other, and she had the same overwhelmed expression on her face. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I lied. I do know…about him.”
I couldn’t even clarify who I meant, but Hailey nodded, understanding. “Do you want to meet him?”
My expression instantly hardened as the anger returned. Hailey blinked at seeing it. “No, I don’t want to meet him. Ever.” Her mouth popped open, and I shook my head. “I would like to know you…but not if it means knowing him too. I’d rather be strangers with you than meet that man.” Just saying it made me feel like I’d been kicked in the gut, but I wasn’t budging on this one. I would cut ties if she forced my hand. Don’t make me turn you away.
Hailey slumped a little, but then nodded. Pulling out her phone, she shrugged. “Could I have your number? So we can keep in touch?”
My expression softened as relief filled me. “Yeah, of course.” Handing her my phone, I said, “Here, put your number in. I don’t know how to do it.”
She lifted an eyebrow as she took it. “You don’t know how to program a phone number?”
Grin on my face, I shrugged at her. “Technology isn’t really my thing. Yes, I could figure it out…I just don’t want to.”
She laughed then shook her head and entered her number into my phone. Then she texted herself. “There, now I have yours.” Handing the phone back, she said, “It’s really quite simple.”
“I’m sure it is,” I laughed. “Want to sit?” I indicated a small couch that happened to be empty.
Hailey nodded, her smile bright and carefree. As she moved to sit, I noticed a couple of guys from the show checking her out. Paul’s interested gaze was particularly troublesome. It made a surge of something dark and protective flash through me, and I had to resist the urge to shield her from his view. Or walk over there and kick his ass. Weird. I’d only ever had that instinct around Kiera. Strange how I already felt responsible for this person I’d just met.
Hailey flopped down on the couch, her dark blue eyes bright as she looked around the casual chaos. “This is so cool,” she beamed. “I can’t believe my brother is a rock star.”
With a laugh, I sat beside her. “I don’t know if the term ‘rock star’ actually applies to me. We’re not signed, we don’t even have a recording for people to buy. We’re basically a glorified garage band.”
I shrugged again. Hailey shook her head. “You’re not seeing what I’m seeing.”
Smirking, I shook my head. She was just as ridiculous as Kiera. “So, tell me about yourself.”
She bit her plump lip as she tilted her head. Guys around us were still watching her, almost as much as the girls in the room were watching me. Guess we had something in common—we both unintentionally attracted people. “Well, I’m 20, almost 21…in college. Still live at home with Dad—”
My eyes narrowed as irritation shot up my spine. I don’t want to hear about him. Seeing my expression, Hailey quickly said, “And Riley. He’s 9, almost 10.”
I took a moment to process that, and when I did, I was startled. “You have a brother? We have a brother?”
Grinning, she nodded. “He loves music too. He would die to be here, but Dad would have a coronary. He doesn’t even know I’m—”
With a frustrated sigh, I turned my head and looked away from her. She stopped speaking. How can I talk to her when she keeps talking about him?
“Can I ask you a question?” she said, after a long quiet moment.
Feeling wary, I slowly looked back at her. Maybe. It depends on what you want to know.
Hailey studied my face for a second, then said, “Why do you hate him so much?”
I dropped my head, my gaze shifting to the floor. “It’s complicated. I’d rather not talk about it.”
“I know he left you, and I know that must have hurt, but he really didn’t have a—”
My eyes snapped to hers as rage filled my stomach. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
She swallowed, a little nervously, and I made my face relax. I didn’t want to scare her; I just didn’t want to hear anything about Gavin. I was about to ask her something that would shift the conversation when a fan approached us. “Hi, I’m sorry to interrupt, but are you with one of the bands?”
I looked up to see a girl brightly smiling at me. And trembling. I threw on a casual smile, hoping to relax her. “Yeah…I’m with the D-Bags.”
She giggled. “D-Bags…got it. Can you sign this?” She handed me a poster. I signed it then returned it to her. She hugged it to her chest, then looked over at Hailey. “Could you take our picture?”
Hailey shrugged, then stood up. “Sure.”
The girl passed Hailey her phone, and then took her place on the couch, snuggling into my side. I laughed at her eagerness, then smiled at the phone and waited for the photo op to be over. The girl scurried off once it was. I started apologizing to Hailey, but then I noticed three more girls with their phones out, waiting for their chance to sit with me. Maybe I shouldn’t have sat on a small couch. Too inviting. Hailey laughed, but took photos for all the girls in line.
Once they were gone, I cringed and turned to her as she sat down. “Sorry. Occupational hazard.”
She laughed, then pulled her phone out and leaned in to take our photo. “Guess I’ll get one too.” She was still laughing when she pulled away. “You’re kind of a girl magnet, aren’t you?”
I could only shrug at that. She laughed again, shaking her head. “My friends are going to lose their minds when they find out I have a brother closer to their age.” She cringed. “I’ve never mentioned you to anyone, since I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to…” Shaking her head, she smiled and shrugged. “Anyway, they think Riley is adorable, and you should see the way they drool over Da…” She stopped herself from mentioning him again and let out a soft sigh. “Sorry. It’s just…” Her eyes scanned my face. “You and Dad…the resemblance is so…surreal. It’s like you’re his clone or something.”
Anger burned my insides, and I turned away from her again. “I’m not. Trust me.” No, the only thing I was, was a mistake. That was something my parents had never let me forget. Growing up with this face had been a nightmare for me. I was fairly certain there had been several times when Dad had hit me simply because of the way I looked.
“Sorry,” Hailey murmured again, sounding genuinely remorseful. “I guess it’s harder than I thought…not talking about…him. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about me anymore. What about you? Girlfriend? Wife?” She gasped, and I peeked back at her to see her eyes shining with delight. “Oh my God, do I have a niece or nephew somewhere?”
By her expression, it was clear that I would make her day if I said yes. I actually felt my cheeks heating as the thought of Kiera having my child flooded my mind. God…I want that so much. “Um, no…no kids.” A soft smile lifted my lips as Kiera’s hazel eyes absorbed my thoughts. “But I do have a girlfriend back home. She’s…she’s everything to me.”
Hailey let out a wistful sigh, and I refocused my attention on her. She was smiling peacefully at me. “I want someone to look like that when they think about me,” she said. I smirked at her, and she laughed. “She’s a very lucky girl. Tell me all about her.”
Because I really missed Kiera, and I wanted to talk about her, I started gushing. I didn’t stop until one of the crew walked into the room and announced that we were up. “Damn…I almost forgot I was at work,” I said with a laugh. Hailey laughed with me as I stood up. “Will you still be here when I get back?” I asked, hope in my voice.
She nodded, and my grin was huge when I left to go onstage. Sister…I can’t believe I have a sister. I’d never considered that possibility before; it almost didn’t seem real. I wish someone had told me. Of course, there were a lot of things about my life that I’d wished for, and most of them had never happened. I was used to not getting what I wanted, which was why I tried to never want anything.
The show was extra energizing for me. There was just something about knowing Hailey was listening backstage that made me pull out all the stops. It made me wish we had more than three songs to play; I’d love for her to hear a full set. When we were done and I reentered the backstage area, I immediately searched for her…but she wasn’t there. The disappointment was so swift and sudden, I had to clench my stomach. She left? She actually left. I knew I shouldn’t be surprised, all my family eventually let go of me, but yeah, I was floored. I really thought she’d stay.
Annoyed that I’d let myself want something, I grabbed a beer and started chugging it. Maybe this wouldn’t hurt so much if I was trashed. I was just polishing off the drink when I felt a hand on my back. Turning, I saw Hailey standing there, a huge grin on her face. The surge of relief I felt made my eyes sting. She didn’t leave. Where was she?
Almost like she could hear my unspoken question, she jerked her thumb at the other entrance to the backstage area. “I had to go watch you. Oh my God, Kellan. Do you know how talented you are?”
Her words, her praise, it struck me to my core. She was watching me. She liked it. No, by the look on her face, I’d say she loved it. That filled me with something…unexpectedly wonderful. And painful. And terrifying. And exhilarating.
Hailey had a million questions after that, all about the band and our music. Since that was one topic that I loved talking about, one that held nothing but joy for me, I welcomed the conversation.
She stayed backstage the rest of the night, talking to me and barely listening to the other bands’ music filtering into the room. I was a little sad when security made her leave at the end of the show. Talking to her had been…I don’t know, I just felt…lighter. Less alone.
I gave her a hug before she left. It was a little lengthier than most hugs I gave to girls who weren’t Kiera. I was just…reluctant to let her go. When she pulled away, there were slight tears in her eyes. “It was…really nice to finally meet you, Kellan. I hope…I hope it’s not the last time I see you.”
I had to swallow the lump in my throat. “It won’t be. You can always come visit me.” The minute I said it, uncertainty filled me. Could she? How would I explain her to people? To Kiera? How would I ever be able to talk about her?
Hailey nodded. “I’d love that.”
With a wave, she left the room. As she disappeared, I felt something breaking inside me. Because I didn’t know how to have a relationship with her, and I wanted one. But I could never mention her. To anyone. And I was dying to. I was dying to tell somebody that I’d just met my sister. And she was cool. And she wanted to get to know me. And I wanted to get to know her too.
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell anyone because no one knew the real story, the sordid love triangle between John, Susan, and Gavin. I didn’t want to get into that, didn’t want to talk about my parents, didn’t want to talk about Gavin—especially that. Hailey was a separate entity to me, removed from the situation, and I wished I could present her that way. Just a girl I’d met that I really liked…but that sounded bad too. I was stuck in silence, and it killed me.
Kiera was the only one I could possibly talk to about it…but even still, when we were back in the bus, and I knew she was home, waiting for me to call her, I agonized over what to say. If I told Kiera I’d met my sister, I’d unwittingly tell her about Gavin too, about him wanting to meet me. And I knew—without a doubt in my mind—just what Kiera would say. Oh my God, that’s great, Kellan. Go meet up with him, go bond with him, go love him. And that was the exact opposite of what I wanted. He didn’t exist to me, and I liked it that way.
