Painful, page 4
The remainder of the night was pretty damn perfect. The guys and I chatted amicably until Matt took off to hang out with Rachel. That earned him some ribbing from Griffin, but Griff didn’t stick around much longer, and left the bar with some blonde. Kiera rolled her eyes and turned her back on the sight of Griffin leaving the bar with someone other than Anna, but from everything I’d seen, those two were far from exclusive, and Anna brought home just as many toys as he did. As long as they were both happy with the arrangement, there was no harm in it, from what I could see.
Evan and I stuck around, since both of our girls were closing. It seemed to take forever, but eventually we were parting ways, and I was able to do something I’d been wanting to do all evening—take Kiera home, to my home. It gave me a profound sense of peace whenever Kiera was inside my walls, and a small smile was stuck on my face when I pulled onto my street.
When Kiera and I stepped into the entryway, her eyes floated around the space, taking in everything. She always did that, like she was bracing herself for the ghosts that lived here. I understood. I battled those ghosts daily. Everything had started here. Our love affair, betraying Denny, mutually hurting someone we both cared about. Sometimes the past was so thick in my house, it was hard to breathe. It was thickest in Kiera and Denny’s old room—I never went in there. I couldn’t. But I’d never rent it out again either, wouldn’t cleanse it by inviting someone else inside. Even though it was painful for both of us, it was Kiera’s—and only Kiera’s—and it would be until the day I died.
Kiera sat on my bed while I propped my guitar case in the corner of my room. She seemed a little…melancholy as she sat there, like the ghosts were getting to her. Another reason why she was resistant to move back here, I was sure—the walls were painted in pain. “You all right?” I asked, flicking a glance over at the bedroom she’d once shared with my best friend. Well…my ex-best friend, I supposed, although he’d never truly be an ex-friend to me. Even if I’d stabbed him in the back…I still loved him. He was family.
She threw on a smile that was bright and beautiful, one clearly meant to show me that she was okay, that she was happy. Leaning back on her elbows, emphasizing her chest, she told me, “Of course, I’m fine.”
I smiled at the vision of her on my bed and did my best to let the past slide off me. Sitting beside her, I placed my hand on her thigh. “I’m glad you’re here,” I whispered. I’m glad you’re mine, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.
Sitting up, she tossed her arms around my neck. “I had no choice,” she joked. “You wouldn’t let me drive your car, remember?” I laughed, then leaned in to find her lips. Whatever the reason she was here with me, I was grateful for it.
I fell asleep with Kiera safely wrapped in my arms, and my last thought before darkness consumed me was this is the way things are supposed to be. This is my forever.
“Your forever? You think someone like you will get a happily ever after? You think you won? I always knew you were a fool.”
My heart dropped into my stomach as I opened my eyes. I was in the kitchen, my old, childhood kitchen, staring at my father sitting at the table reading the newspaper—my dead father. “You shouldn’t be here,” I told him, but even as I said it, I knew I was wrong. Of course, he should be here. This was his house. I was the one out of place here, always out of place.
Dad smirked and shook his head. Setting his newspaper down on the table, he gave me a hard stare. I shivered, my heart racing; I knew that look, knew it very well. “I shouldn’t be here? And tell me…son…who should be here? How about Denny? That hardworking, good-hearted boy who we took into our care, took into our home. The boy you callously stabbed in the back. Because you wanted something that was never yours.” His gaze scanned me, contempt and disgust evident in his cold, gray eyes. “You’re so selfish…just looking at you sickens me.”
“I’m sorry.” The words instantly slipped from my mouth, unbidden. Like I was freezing, my shivers increased to visible shaking. How could he still do this to me, after all this time?
As I stood there, waiting for my father to approach me—to reprimand me—I was suddenly smacked in the back of the head with a hard, wooden spoon. A burst of pain shot down my spine, making me gasp. I snapped my eyes to the side, where my mother stood, glaring at me. How stupid of me to forget that my father wasn’t the only threat here.
“I can’t believe what you did to that boy. Your best friend…I always knew you never really cared about him.”
My eyes watered as the venom in her words seeped into my bones. I almost wished she’d hit me again instead of talk. Physical pain didn’t cut as deeply as words. “No…I do care. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. Denny meant everything to me…he still does.”
A tear rolled down my cheek, and my mother’s pale blue eyes grew colder as she tracked its movement. “He means nothing to you. You used him to take what you wanted, because you’re a monster…just like the beast who created you.”
I violently shook my head. “That’s not true…” Or maybe it was. Maybe it was the only truth I had. Maybe she was right…maybe I was a monster. Denny would probably agree.
While my denial died on my lips, I heard Dad’s chair screeching in protest against the floor. “Are you talking back to your mother? Do I need to remind you whose house this is?”
My eyes wide and fearful, I looked back at my father. “No, I’m sorry…I wasn’t…I’m sorry.”
I backed up a step, and even as I did it, I knew it was the absolute wrong thing to do. Dad’s face turned a fearsome shade of red as he watched my pathetic attempt to escape. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
He started undoing his belt, and my heart hammered in my chest. No. This wasn’t real. This was a dream, a horrible, horrible dream. My parents were dead. Gone. Buried. They couldn’t hurt me anymore.
My dad’s lip curved in a cruel smile. “You’re wrong about that, son. There’s so much more we can do to you now. Because now…we know everything you’ve ever done. You can’t hide from us anymore. You’ll never be free.”
Having Dad inside my head was too much to handle. Twisting around, I bolted for the door. If there was one thing I was good at now, it was running. I was younger than him, faster, had more endurance—he’d never catch me, and unlike when I was a child, I didn’t have to let this happen, didn’t have to let him beat me. I never had to come back to this hellhole. Ever.
I managed to slip away from Mom, but when I got to the entryway of my massive childhood home, I instantly knew it didn’t matter. There were no doors, no windows, no stairs to the upper floors. There was absolutely nowhere for me to go. Dad strolled into the room, smacking his belt against his hand. I twisted and turned, looking for an exit, but even the hallway to the kitchen was gone now. I was trapped. And alone.
“You finally get it, don’t you? You can’t escape who you are, Kellan. You can’t escape your history. There’s no point even trying.”
He shrugged, like condemning me to a lifetime of pain was a simple thing. Then he brought the belt down. I raised my arms to protect my face, and the thick leather ripped into my exposed forearms. As pain, humiliation, and defeat coursed through me, I realized he was right. He could do so much more to me now…now that he was forever locked inside my head. I’d never truly be free.
Chapter 3
THE NEXT STEP
My nightmare left me shaken. More shaken than I cared to admit, even to Kiera. She noticed this particular dream, woke me up from it. I must have been thrashing in my sleep. Kiera wanted to talk about the dream when I was fully back in reality, but talking wasn’t what I wanted. Talking didn’t end the pain, only amplified it, and I needed it to stop. To finally stop. So, I distracted myself with sex, and Kiera let me. By the time I was lying in her arms, blissful and content, my nightmare had faded into oblivion. Hopefully, never to return.
Kiera watched me like a hawk for the next few days, but the bad dreams never truly shifted into nightmares, so she didn’t have to wake me up again. I could see the concern in her eyes every morning, though, so I did my best to convince her that I was fine. Because I was. Even with the occasional nightly terrors, I was great. Kiera was my girlfriend. How could I be anything but freaking fantastic?
It took her a couple weeks, but eventually Kiera seemed to stop worrying about my dreams, especially as school got closer and closer. One lazy Thursday afternoon, we were lying in my bed, enjoying the fading freedom of summer, when I accidentally looked over at the clock, and realized I needed to go. “Shit. Matt’s gonna start calling soon if I don’t head out.” With a sigh, I looked over at her lying next to me. “I wish we could stop rehearsing while school’s out. We’re good enough, we really don’t need to practice so much.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Good enough? Is that what you want to be?”
Smiling, I gave her a kiss. “With you is what I want to be.”
She giggled as I kissed her, then pushed me back. “You know you can’t shirk your responsibilities because of me, Kellan. We should be making each other better, not…lazier.”
Climbing on top of her, I pinned her down. “Lazy? Is that what we are? Because that felt pretty aerobic to me.”
She laughed again, her cheeks flushing a soft pink. “You know what I mean.”
I did, and it filled me with warmth. She wanted me to be my absolute best, just like I wanted her to be her absolute best. We wanted to bring out each other’s most positive attributes. And that meant…I had to leave. Damn it.
Even still, I waited as long as I possibly could before I got up and got dressed. Kiera was still stretched out on my bed when I reluctantly grabbed my guitar. She seemed like she was too comfortable to move. Unfortunately, she had to—I had to lock up. Staring at her beautiful, lean, sheet-covered body, I let out a long, sad sigh.
“What?” she asked, examining the covers around her with an adorable frown on her face.
Her expression made me grin, but then I remembered why I felt sullen. I pointed at her relaxed body. “You’re so comfortable, I hate to ask you to leave.” My mouth twisted into a frown. “You should be able to stay as long as you want. You should be able to come and go as you want. Even if we’re not living together, my place is your place…” That thought firmly in my head, I nodded and pointed at her. “I’ve got an idea. Don’t move.”
Her mouth dropped open, but before she could ask anything, I dashed out the door and hopped down the stairs. Grabbing my keys off the half-moon table in the entryway, I worked to disconnect the house key from the ring.
I could hear Kiera getting dressed upstairs as I wrestled with the key. Damn it, I told her not to move. She came down the stairs a few moments later wearing shorts and a tank top, and I stopped unthreading the metal to stare at her. Damn. She was so beautiful. Did I have time to undress her again?
Stepping up to my side, she tilted her head as she glanced at my fingers. “What are you doing?”
Successfully removing the square key, I held it up to her. “Here, take my house key. Then you can stay and relax before work. I’ll be at Pete’s later. I’ll pick it up from you then. Or…you can just keep it…” My heart started thudding harder in my chest. Kiera having my key was one step closer to her living with me. Where she belonged.
Kiera’s lips twisted into a half-smile as she took the cool metal. I had trouble containing my grin—she took it. “Keep your key?” she said. “But how will you get into your house if I have your key?”
With a smile, I shrugged. “Why do I need to be here when you’re not?” You’re all I need in this world anyway.
Her lips pursed in amusement, but then she frowned. “You don’t have to give me your key, Kellan. What about your other keys? My…old key?”
That dark day immediately flooded my mind. Once Kiera had recovered from…her injury…the one she’d only sustained because of me…and she’d moved in with her sister, she’d given me back my house key. Not directly, of course, since we’d been avoiding each other at the time. No, she’d given it to Anna, and Anna had given it to me. At the bar. The night she’d placed that key in my palm had been a bad one for me. I couldn’t remember much of what had happened after Anna left, but I did remember that Sam had taken me home.
“I…uh, tossed them. Yours and Denny’s.” I’d even tossed my spare key, the hidden one only Evan knew about. I wasn’t sure why, I’d just…needed it all to be gone. I was alone, so why would I need multiples of…anything. My gaze dropped to the floor as darkness swirled in my mind. “There was just something about having them in my home that I couldn’t…I couldn’t stomach.” With a hard swallow, I let the past go and looked up at her. “But I can get some more made. Get you your own key…if you’re comfortable with that?” Please say yes.
“I’m…” Pausing, she bit her lip. “Do you think we’re ready for that, Kellan?”
I nodded before she even finished her question. “Yes, absolutely. It’s…it’s the next step, Kiera. The next step forward. You want that, right?” Not wanting her to think I was revisiting our conversation about living together, I quickly added, “‘Cause it’s not moving in together, it’s just…opening our homes to each other. We’re still separate, still going slow, but still…moving forward.”
I felt jittery as I waited for her answer. Saying yes to taking the key for one afternoon was great, but saying yes to always keeping one on her…that was big for us. My nerves didn’t evaporate until a wide smile graced her lips. “Okay, Kellan.”
Before I could stop the reaction, my mouth dropped open in surprise. “You’re saying yes?”
Laughing, she laced her arms around my neck. “Yes, I’m saying yes. You’re right, this is an important step, one that we should definitely take. And I’ll make a copy of my key too, then you can come over whenever you want,” she added with a shrug.
Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pulled her tighter. “Like late at night, after my shows?” Slipping into her bed was one of my favorite things, and with a key it was going to be so much easier. Not able to resist teasing her, I added, “When you’re in bed, all warm and naked, thinking of me…touching yourself…”
Pulling back, she lightly smacked my shoulder. “Kellan! I don’t sleep naked…you know that.” She flushed a little after saying it, and I had to smile that that was the comment she objected to.
“And what about the…other thing?” I asked, lifting my eyebrows. Just the thought of Kiera touching herself, thinking about me, made my blood surge, my body harden. Now, I was definitely undressing her before I left.
Kiera’s flush deepened, and instead of answering my question—or denying it—she said, “You should go…you’re going to be late meeting the guys.”
That was true, but staying and tucking her back into my bed sounded like a lot more fun than practicing a bunch of songs I already knew inside and out. “They won’t miss me,” I said, leaning in for a kiss.
Showing a supreme amount of willpower, Kiera pushed me back. “Yes, they will, Kellan. As much as I would love to spend the rest of the day lounging in bed with you, the band can’t do anything until you get there.”
Even though I knew she was right, I frowned. “Okay, fine, I’ll go. But we’re discussing the touchy-touchy stuff later.”
Looking adorably embarrassed, she rolled her eyes. “You’re incorrigible.”
“I’m curious…totally different.” I gave her a short kiss that turned into a long kiss, then Kiera scooted my ass out the door before Matt started calling.
As I drove to Evan’s loft, I couldn’t stop grinning. We’re exchanging keys. She’d shot me down on moving in together—which I completely understood—but she’d said yes to this, and that meant we were still heading down the right path. The forever path. I was beaming with bliss when I parked at Evan’s.
Getting out of my car, I waved at Roxie and the guys at the auto body shop below Evan’s place, then I headed up the stairs to the loft. Everyone else was there when I opened the door. Matt greeted me with a frown. “There you are. Did you forget?”
Still grinning, I shook my head. “Nope, just running late. Busy with Kiera.”
Griffin nodded, a devious smile on his face like he knew exactly what I’d been doing. Evan smiled and shook his head, while Matt frowned deeper. “Look, I know you’re happy, Kell, but things are in the works. Now’s not the time to slack off.”
Shutting the door, I walked all the way inside. “I know, Matt. I’m not slacking off, just trying to have a life too.” Clapping my hands, I looked around the room. “Kiera and I agreed to exchange keys.”
They all gave me blank stares. Griffin scratched his head. “And were you naked when this happened?”
Pursing my lips, I shook my head as I set down my guitar case. “No, we were dressed.” Shrugging, I added, “I don’t know, it’s just…it’s a big step for us.”
Evan smiled, and Matt nodded like he understood. Griffin still seemed confused. Tucking his dirty-blond hair behind his ears, he said, “But you guys used to live together. Isn’t that like congratulating you for copping a feel when you’ve already hit a home run?”
