Painful, page 45
A wave of loneliness crashed over me, and needing to hear her voice, I decided to risk waking her. The phone rang quite a few times, and a surge of disappointment went through me. But then it stopped ringing, and I heard her weary voice say, “Hello?”
Clearly, she’d been sleeping, and I felt a little bad for waking her up, but more than that, I felt…soothed. Her voice was heaven, a momentary reprieve from the agony—as long as I didn’t let myself think too much. Please let her love be only for me. Please don’t let my nightmares be true.
Pushing aside my fears, I gave her my new typical greeting. “Happy Anniversary.”
Warmth in her voice, she murmured, “You don’t have to keep telling me that every time you call, Kellan.”
With a sigh, I shifted on the mattress. “I know, but I still feel really bad that I missed it, that I couldn’t fly out to you. A year together is a big deal, and I really wanted to see you…but stuff kept coming up…”
I’d explained about our hectic schedule-within-a-schedule before, several times, but I had to imagine she was still hurt by the news. I was. Every time I had to tell her I couldn’t leave the tour, I felt a piece of my heart shredding.
Her voice was quiet and accepting when she told me it was fine, that she understood, and she’d been sick anyway, and I’d sent flowers—like somehow that was enough. It wasn’t. Especially since she hadn’t even gotten them until the next day. I apologized for that, again, and she told me it was okay, again. It didn’t feel okay. None of this felt okay.
Feeling the melancholy seeping into me, I told her, “I’m really sorry it’s turned out this way. I’ll make it up to you…someday…I promise.” I’ll make everything up to you. Just don’t leave me.
She didn’t say anything to that. She didn’t say anything for a long time. I didn’t either. I didn’t know what to say. The space I felt growing between us was horrifying, and I felt my eyes begin to sting as the long, silent seconds ticked by. How do I fix us?
Finally, Kiera broke the quiet. “I found your letter last night, the one in the couch.”
I sat up on the bed as surprise and trepidation rushed through me. I’d been dealing with so much lately, I’d almost forgotten about that letter. “Oh…and?” I cringed after I asked her that. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know her answer. Had I gone too far with that letter? Pushed an idea she wasn’t ready for? And fuck…there was so much unspoken crap between us now…how could she possibly embrace the idea of marriage? How could we get married, with so many walls in the way? How do I break the walls, without breaking myself?
“You really see that future for us?” she asked.
There was a trace amount of awe in her voice; hearing it calmed my nerves. “Yeah, I do, Kiera…all the time. Do…do you?” My stomach tightened again as the doubt and fear beat against my brain. What if she says no? Does that mean we’re over? I don’t want us to be over.
But she said, “Yeah,” and the relief I felt was instant. And brief. “Maybe,” she quickly added. “Someday.”
I had no fucking clue how to process that. I hung my head as pain stung every nerve ending. Relax. It’s not a no. Take it, accept it…and leave the rest behind.
The silence between us grew again, deafening and relentless. I felt trapped, desolate…hopeless. I don’t want to lose her…but I am. I can feel it. Just when I was about to beg her not to leave me, she whispered, “I miss you.”
I had to choke back the sudden sob in my throat, and the words flew from me all at once. “I miss you too. I know we saw each other a couple of weeks ago, but it wasn’t enough, not nearly enough…I really miss you.” I could feel the tears building under the stress of the torments that ceaselessly pushed against me every single second of every single fucking day. I knew I was about to lose it, and I knew she wouldn’t understand why. I swallowed, trying to control it, trying to shove the misery back down deep…trying to hide.
It was too late though; Kiera had heard it. “Kellan? You…okay?”
I wanted to sigh, I wanted to scream, but I was suddenly too tired to do either. “Yeah…just exhausted. I never realized how…taxing this would be. Always on the road, always away from home, always having to deal with…” Him. But I couldn’t tell her that, so instead I said, “People.” It wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t the truth. It was that unpleasant gray area, where I always seemed to find myself these days. I was so sick of it.
Wishing she was here, wishing I could be honest, I told her, “I know it’s early for you and you probably want to go back to sleep, but could you stay on the line for a bit? I’m feeling…” So fucking overwhelmed… I paused to swallow the pain. “I just want to listen to you breathe for a while.” Let me pretend everything is fine. Please.
“I don’t have anywhere to be but right here with you, Kellan.”
The compassion in her voice was almost too much to bear, but instead of dwelling on my grief, my loneliness, I let her words relax me, soothe me. Hadn’t she said I didn’t have to worry about her? Hadn’t she taken my promise ring, sworn her own promise in return? Hadn’t she assured me she would end things before she…replaced me? If she hadn’t said goodbye…then we were still good. We had to be.
I inhaled a deep breath and slowly let it go as I laid back down. Right now, she was mine and she was with me. That was a truth I could hold onto. “Good. I love you, Kiera. It seems like forever since I’ve held you, since I’ve made love to you.” When was the last time? Over the Christmas break…at her parents’ house. Just a few months ago, but it felt like years.
Kiera seemed to agree. “It has been forever, Kellan.” I adjusted how I was lying, and Kiera asked, “Where are you?”
Smiling, I stretched out all my limbs; it felt so good to do that. Another small reprieve. “On the bus, in the back bedroom. All the guys are gone, so I snagged Griffin’s bed.” With a laugh, I told her, “I just couldn’t spend another moment in that tiny bunk.”
“So…you’re alone? Completely alone?” She asked that so quietly, I almost didn’t hear her.
“Yeah…why?” I asked, uncertainty filling my stomach. What did she need to tell me that I needed to be alone for? And why? Was it going to hurt? Did I want to know this…?
Her voice was odd when she spoke, almost strained. “I want to…Will you…?”
She couldn’t continue. It didn’t seem like she wanted to tell me something…it sounded like she wanted me to talk to her about something. Shit. Was she going to press me again? Would I have the strength to ask her to let it go again? “What, Kiera?” I softly asked, unsure if I should.
She let out a frustrated sigh. “I feel like we’re drifting, Kellan, and I just want to feel closer to you. I—”
Her words cut straight through me, and I interrupted her. “I’m sorry, Kiera. I feel like that’s my fault.” No, it is my fault. I’m hurting her. I’m shoving her away. I need to stop. I need to fix this. “I just…I…I should…” Fuck. Say it, you coward. Tell her your secret before it rips you apart. “We should talk about…”
Come on…tell her. It’s easy, just say: My biological father found me…he won’t leave me alone…he’s killing me…every day he’s killing me.
I wanted to say it, but the words were stuck in my throat, a hard knot that I could barely speak past. “God, this is hard…” Why was this so fucking hard? Why wouldn’t the fucking words come out? How do I get through this? How do I rewind this?
Kiera’s voice sounded just as pained as mine when she suddenly spoke. “No, don’t, Kellan. I don’t want to talk right now. I just want you to make me feel good…”
I stopped breathing for a second. Was she giving me a pass? Again? And…was she saying she wanted to…? “Kiera, are you asking me to…do you want me to make love to you?”
“Yes,” she whispered, and my body instantly responded. She wanted to close our distance with sex? Would that work? I often used sex as a distraction; I knew it was a tentative solution at best. But it was far preferable to opening up, especially since I couldn’t seem to do that anyway.
Her next words made me stop caring about her reasons; they made my brain shut off completely. “Make me feel it, Kellan…make me feel like your wife…”
My eyes fluttered closed as the words seared my body, seared my soul. My wife. I’d never heard two better sounding words in all my life. “Oh God, Kiera…I want you so much…” I miss you so much.
“I don’t know what to do, Kellan.”
The ache in her voice had me groaning, straining. Unzipping my jeans, I told her exactly what I wanted her to do. Our problems could wait…we needed this.
Chapter 28
VISITORS
I had to admit…I felt better after the sex. It did help connect us again, and while there was still way too much crap between us, the gap didn’t feel quite so large as before. A bridge had been built. Now I just had to make sure I didn’t accidentally burn it to the ground. I needed to see her. But the band still had so much to do…
“How many more songs do we need, Matt?” I asked, once again feeling weary to the bone.
Matt tilted his head. “Six maybe?”
Groaning in annoyance, I slumped forward in my chair. “Can you just pick them? My head hurts…”
Matt sighed as he glanced at Evan. “No. It needs to be a group decision, Kell.”
I slowly shook my head. “Why did I have to write so many fucking songs…?”
Evan smiled at me. “I think the better question is, why did you have to write so many great songs? If you could just stop being so talented, this wouldn’t be so hard.”
I pursed my lips at that. “I need a break. I’m going back to the bus.”
Matt studied me for a second, then nodded. “Okay, but Lana wants to record the song tomorrow night, so we have to pick one tomorrow morning.”
Running a hand down my face, I nodded. “Yeah, sure…”
We were backstage, sitting by ourselves trying to get some work done. Well, the three of us were working. Griffin had a girl on his lap, and he was paying more attention to her than us…but at least he was there. The girl tracked me with her eyes when I stood up. Hopefully she didn’t leave when I did; I didn’t need Griffin’s pissiness right now.
“See you guys later,” I said with a lift of my hand.
Matt and Evan both said bye. Griffin said, “What’s going on?”
I got stopped a few times to sign things as I left. That was fine. I owed the fans a lot more than a few seconds of my time, but that was all I could give them so it would have to do. The night was almost over, but Avoiding Redemption was still playing their set. Naturally, they played more songs than anyone else. I hoped the bus was quiet. It wasn’t always, since a lot of guys went back there when they were finished playing. And not all of them went back there alone. I really wasn’t in the mood to listen to people having sex right now. But whatever. I had headphones.
In the parking lot, I looked around for Paul. He’d been a ghost since I’d slugged him. He wouldn’t even ride our bus anymore. I was extremely grateful he wasn’t going to test me on my threat. His absence was another small relief.
Hopping on my bus, I headed straight to the cubbies to lie down. Maybe I’d call Kiera. I’d talked to her earlier, before our set, but talking to her again sounded wonderful. That thought was on my mind when I stepped up to my bed…and spotted a naked woman seductively half-curled up in my blanket. For a half-second I thought it was Kiera, until the foreignness of the girl’s face shattered the illusion. What the fuck was a naked stranger doing in my bed?
“Hi,” she sweetly said, looking completely at ease.
A weary sigh escaped me. I really don’t need this right now. “Hey. I think you have the wrong bed.” My voice was calm, polite, but also firm. Please leave.
She smiled, showing a dimple in her cheek. Her eyes slowly scanned my body. “No, I think I’m in exactly the right place.”
I looked around the cubbies, to the ones that were full. The guys there were smiling, staring at my uninvited guest. Meeting eyes with Kurt, I raised an eyebrow. “You do this?”
Grinning wider, he shook his head. “Nope. She climbed in all on her own.”
Sighing again, I looked back at the girl. “Can you get out please.”
She pouted as she rubbed her legs together. “Why don’t you get in?”
Sitting up as much as she could in the small space, she leaned over to grab my hand. I pulled my fingers away, so she started running her hand up my jeans instead. I grabbed her hand to stop her from fondling me, and she smiled at me like she’d won.
The look on her face was pissing me off. I just want to lie down. I hadn’t been lying about my head hurting. Tossing her hand aside, I let my anger and frustration leech out. “Get the fuck out of my bed.”
A couple of the guys around us snickered. I ignored them. The girl’s eyes sparkled, like she was enjoying my anger. “Fuck me, and I will.”
I closed my eyes. Un-fucking-believable. Clearly, whatever I did, the girl wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I didn’t have the energy or patience to deal with her right now. A sudden thought occurred to me, and opening my eyes, I smiled at her. “Okay…just give me one second.”
She bit her lip, looking truly excited now. I met eyes with Kurt—he looked a little surprised that I’d said yes. I smirked at him, then walked to the front of the bus. Sitting on a seat, I pulled out my phone to call the one person who could successfully empty my bed for me.
“Hey, Griffin…I need a favor.”
He sounded annoyed. “Kind of in the middle of something, Kell.”
I smiled into the phone. “There’s a naked girl in my bed. I need you to get rid of her for me.”
“Be right there.” He hung up before I could even say goodbye.
He stepped onto the bus quicker than I would have thought possible. He was winded, and I knew he’d run the entire way. I held up my knuckles, and we bumped fists as he walked by me. Grin on my face, I tilted my head to listen.
“Who are you? What the hell are you doing? I’m not here for you, asshole! Put your clothes back on!” The annoyed screech in the girl’s voice was very satisfying.
I heard the sounds of scuffling, then heard Griffin say, “Ow! Stop hitting me!”
There were more sounds of Griffin being assaulted, then I heard someone approaching. I twisted to see the girl, fully dressed now, storming down the aisle. Her eyes narrowed at me, her face a picture of fury.
“Jerk,” she muttered, strutting past me.
I was the jerk in this situation? Really? Wow. After she left, all I heard from the back of the bus was laughter. And Griffin complaining about crazy women. He appeared a moment later, thankfully also dressed. He smirked at me as he walked by. “You’re welcome,” he said.
I shook my head as he left the bus, momentarily grateful that his advances hadn’t been successful, and he hadn’t screwed her on my bed. I’d been fairly certain of the outcome, but…you never know. Sometimes Griffin’s bluntness worked.
When I returned to the sleeping area, the guys resting there were still laughing. Kurt held out his fist. “Dude…that was the best thing…I’ve ever seen.” He was laughing so hard his eyes were watering.
I bumped fists with him, then quickly made sure the girl hadn’t left anything…or stolen anything. Thankfully, everything was as it should be. Smiling up at Kurt, I said, “Griffin does have his uses.”
After taking off my boots, I laid down on my bed and pulled out my phone. Holding it in my hand, I closed my eyes. Just to rest for a second before I called Kiera. When I opened my eyes, the bus was moving. Damn it. I must have fallen asleep. A stab of guilt washed through me. We were supposed to help with the tear down. There were enough of us that it could be done minus a few slackers, but I didn’t like being one of the slackers—not without good cause. I supposed needing sleep was a good cause though. Odd. The rush of performing used to keep me up for hours. I was slipping.
My phone was still clenched in my hand, and I rolled my eyes. I’d wanted to talk to Kiera before passing out. I knew it was way too early to call her, so I decided to text her instead. I noticed several missed messages, all from Gavin. Maybe I should ask Matt how to block people—there had to be a way. But Matt would want to know why, and I was too tired to think of a good lie. I’d just…keep dealing with it. At this point it didn’t really matter anyway; my brain would still feel the messages, even if my eyes couldn’t see them.
Ignoring Gavin, I texted Kiera. ‘I love you. And I cannot stop thinking about the other night. You were amazing.’ Just typing that made me grin. Making love to her again, even if it was over the phone, had been incredible.
She didn’t respond, but I wasn’t surprised. It was really early. I sent another message. ‘I hope you’re enjoying your flowers.’ After our heated phone call, I’d called in a few favors. Okay, I’d called in a shitload of favors from just about everyone I knew back home. Well, everyone I knew whose phone number I remembered. It had taken some convincing, but I’d talked them all into finding Kiera and handing her a single rose.
“Won’t she think that’s creepy, Kellan?” They’d told me.
“No, she’ll know it’s from me,” I’d replied. At least, I’d hoped she’d make that realization. And she had. Thankfully. I just didn’t want her to feel distant from me again. I needed to keep me in her thoughts. I needed us to be okay.
I typed one final message before putting my phone away. ‘I miss you. I love you.’
* * *
Time trudged forward, and as March moved into April, I found myself talking to Hailey more and more. She was just the one person I didn’t have to hide anything from. I could be open, honest, and uncomplicated with her. It was freeing. I even started tolerating her badgering me about Gavin better.
