Breaking Bonds, page 9
Focus only on what is within your control. Take pride in your efforts and do not focus on the results. Let go of what is not in your control. It may mean that your goal takes longer to reach than you thought it would, but if you are trying and doing everything that you can, that is all that you can ask of yourself.
Repeat new behavior until it becomes automatic behavior. I initially put sticky notes on the medicine cabinet in my bathroom to remind myself to take my vitamins and supplements, repeat affirmations, and meditate every day. Now I don’t need to even think about doing them anymore. They are among the first things I do in the morning.
Reward yourself for making this change, just not with food. Decide before you tackle the habit what your reward is going to be. Little rewards, like a hot soak in the tub with a new magazine or a pedicure at a day spa can boost your self-esteem. And they work.
Try to eat healthily, get enough rest, exercise, and get some exposure to the sun every day if you can. You can’t take care of anybody else if you don’t take care of yourself first. Your husband or ex-husband may try to make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself to push your buttons. There is nothing wrong with your taking care of yourself, so don’t feel guilty about it because someone else has an agenda. Your body is a gift from God, and you need to take care of it.
EDUCATE THYSELF
“All of life is a constant education.”
―ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
It is helpful to read books to help you to understand yourself and your relationships, and how you were susceptible to being abused so that you can avoid it in the future. Self-help books such as Codependent No More by Melody Beatty, Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma, and Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise by Jane Middleton-Moz were books that I found especially helpful. There are many more books listed in the Resources section at the back of this book.
If you start reading a book and the advice doesn’t resonate with you, put it down and pick up another. Don’t waste your time reading something that doesn’t help you. Try another book. I promise you will find something that works for you.
If you have a limited budget, try your local library or local used bookstores. You can also find articles and blogs online on a variety of topics that will be helpful during your transition through the divorce.
Of course, you can read a lot of self-help books, but they won’t help you unless you implement some of the ideas they discuss in your daily life. To make the process of change easier, I recommend that you read only one self-help book at a time, take notes, and implement the ideas that resonate with you over a period of months.
Reading books will give you more self-awareness, but you still must do the work to change. Journaling and self-reflection at the end of the day are very important when implementing changes. Refer to your notes. Hold yourself accountable if you want to change the way you react in situations that tend to repeat themselves in your life.
CHAPTER FIVE
SOUL
LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH–YOU
“Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.”
―BYRON KATIE
Take care of your appearance. Dress nicely and put on makeup. Give yourself a manicure. Use moisturizer. It will make you feel better. I wasn’t always good at doing this, but I always felt better when I did. This tip is not about vanity. It is about self-love. Action frequently precedes thought, so if you make a habit of treating yourself well even if you don’t feel like doing it, the habit will spark the feelings over time of self-worth and love that you deserve. It may take a while, but it will happen. You are worth it.
Giving yourself permission to love and care for yourself means that your children, who watch everything that you do, will be able to give themselves permission to love and care for themselves as well. Do it to be an example for them until you are healthy enough to feel that you should do this for yourself and no other reason.
Placing value on your happiness and well-being will help you to reduce depression and anxiety. I found little rituals of self-care very calming while I was going through my divorce. These are physical affirmations to yourself and the world that you expect to be cared for and you deserve it. Wish for yourself what you would wish for others.
EVERYTHING IS ENERGY
“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency, and vibration.”
―NIKOLAS TESLA
You are an electromagnetic being whose thoughts and emotions affect the energy flow within and around you, shaping your experiences. You feel a lightness of being when you are happy and hopeful, and you feel a heaviness and slowness when you are sad or depressed. If you start the day in a bad mood, it is more likely that something negative will happen that day.
Also, your perception of events is influenced by your thoughts and feelings, so that you may even view something that happens more negatively than is warranted when you are in a bad mood. If you expect bad things to happen, they do. As you know, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why does this happen? Your ability to step back from a situation, to be resilient, and not to take things personally is impaired when you’re having a bad day. By contrast, a positive outlook enables you to bounce back more quickly from setbacks and to problem solve to get around roadblocks in your path more easily and quickly. Although it is not possible for most people just to think themselves into a better mood, if you embrace the belief that the universe is working in your favor and look for evidence that supports this belief, you may soon feel more positive.
Being repeatedly abused by someone you love changes your view of the world. It makes it easier to believe the world is an unfriendly and unsafe place because in your experience you have evidence that this belief is true. Your husband is unkind and unloving. Your home is unsafe. You may believe you are powerless to leave. Such a belief couldn’t be further from the truth.
Your self-image may be damaged to the point where you may feel that you are unworthy, unlovable, incapable, and helpless. You may have been brainwashed to the point where you have internalized some of the negative comments that your abuser made. If so, these remarks are now affecting how you think and feel about yourself.
Becoming aware that your thoughts and emotions affect your energy will help you to be vigilant about the thoughts you allow your mind to believe are true. Remember not to believe everything that you think, or that someone unsafe tells you that you should.
We all have automatic thoughts that affect our emotions. Question any negative automatic thoughts that you have about yourself and your options in life whenever they pop up. Spend time around positive and supportive people. Look for proof that the world outside your home is a friendly and safe place. It can be. Improve your perceptions, and you improve your world.
THE SEVEN CHAKRAS
“We live as ripples of energy in the vast ocean of energy.”
―DEEPAK CHOPRA
An invisible web of energy ties every living being and every inanimate form on Earth together. Discoveries made by particle researchers in the field of quantum physics over roughly the last century confirm the presence and properties of this intricate web. In The Divine Matrix, Gregg Braden discusses experiments that show our connection to a field or matrix of energy that connects us to everything. This field appears to be intelligent and responds to our emotions.1
There are many references in the both the Old and New Testaments affirming that God is light. The Nicene Creed, 325 c.e., refers to Jesus as “Light from Light, True God from True God.”2 The Kabbalah, a form of Jewish mysticism, views light as God’s first manifestation of Himself in the universe. The biblical book of Genesis says that creation emanated from God and dispelled primordial darkness. The implication is that light is the first and fundamental essence, and all life, truth, and goodness proceed from it.
The light of God is always available to you if you reach for its love and protection. Energy healers have learned to work with this light on behalf of their clients. We can also work with our personal energy using a combination of breath and intention.
You might think that the brain would generate the strongest electromagnetic field in the human body. “‘The heart generates the body’s most powerful and most extensive electromagnetic field,” according to an article in Institute of Noetic Sciences. Its amplification is sixty times greater than that of the brain, and can be detected several feet away from the body.”3
The human body has many energy centers. Of these, seven major centers of energy, called chakras in the ancient language of Sanskrit from India, are located next to a hormonal gland. They are cone-shaped and radiate and receive energy, like radio transmitters. Each is correlated with a color of light, and with different levels of consciousness related to our existence. These colors are visible to certain sensitive people, but most of us cannot see them.
Working up the body from the tailbone to the top of the head, the seven major chakras are:
The root chakra. A spinning red disk of light located at the base of the spine that keeps us connected with the Earth’s energy and correlates to physical safety, the will to live, self-judgment, and endurance.
The sacral chakra. A spinning orange disk of light located in the lower abdomen associated with emotions, sexuality, sensuality, and creativity.
The solar plexus chakra. A spinning yellow disk of light at the solar plexus connected to self-control, personal will, the body’s energy, and personal power.
The heart chakra. A spinning green disk of light in the area of the heart, linked to compassion, love, forgiveness, and identity.
The throat chakra. A spinning light blue disk of light in the area of the Adam’s apple, connected to personal expression, intuition, and authentic communication.
The third eye chakra. A spinning indigo blue disk of light in between the eyes associated with clairvoyance, ability to be in charge, and perception.
The crown chakra. A spinning violet or purple disk of light at the crown of the head connected to the higher self, divine guidance, and knowingness.
CLEARING YOUR CHAKRAS
Fear-based thoughts will cause the chakras to become “dirty” and to shrink. Your chakras are also affected by other people’s negative energy. It is, therefore, a good practice to clear your chakras at the end of every day to remove negative energy and influences. To clear them, sit quietly with your eyes closed and breathe deeply. Focus on each chakra, in turn, starting with the root chakra, and visualize it rotating in a clockwise motion. Imagine yourself breathing bright light into it in its corresponding color, cleaning and filling it up. For example, imagine yourself breathing bright red light into your root chakra.
While you are breathing in colored light, ask the following questions.
To clean and restore your root chakra, pay attention to any fear or insecurity that you are experiencing. Ask: Do I feel safe?
To clean and restore your sacral chakra, bring your focus to your body and emotions. Ask: What am I feeling right now?
To clean and restore your solar plexus chakra, consider what you have the power to choose or change today. Ask: Have I set boundaries with others?
To clean and restore your heart chakra, open your heart to give and receive love. Ask: Have I loved myself as well as others today?
To clean and clear your throat chakra, consider whether you are behaving authentically with others. Ask: Am I being truthful?
To clean and restore your third eye chakra, desire an outcome. Ask: Am I paying close attention to what is going on around me?
To heal your crown chakra, let go of control of the outcome to God or the universe. Ask: Am I spending at least a few minutes every day in prayer or meditation?
CUTTING YOUR ENERGETIC LINK TO
YOUR HUSBAND
Your energy field (aka your aura or etheric body) extends a few inches out and all around your physical body. It is in immediate contact with the unified energy field that resembles a web of light. Because of this, you can sense another person’s mood without that person having said a word to you about it. There are cords of light that attach you to your loved ones and other people with whom you have contact during the day. To someone who can perceive the human aura, the cords that connect a woman and her abuser appear unhealthy, heavy, and dark.
In moments of weakness when you are blaming yourself for things that have occurred or when you are feeling depressed or worried, you may make yourself vulnerable to attachments from people (think of them as energy “vampires”) who would like to drain you, including your husband. Because he is a mentally and emotionally wounded person, it is quite likely that he will “dump” toxicity on you energetically—psychically—even after the divorce. Your abuser also may be draining you of your life force through the etheric cords that connect you. By learning how to remove the etheric cords that connect you and your husband (or anyone else in your life), you can free yourself of any residual effects of that unhealthy relationship, reduce his energy drain on your life force, and initiate healing of wounds to your chakra. Repeat this process as often as necessary to maintain your well-being.
To cut these psychic cords with your husband, visualize yourself surrounded by a bubble of white or golden light representing spiritual protection, and then breathe deeply in and out several times.
Then visualize yourself gently pulling out the toxic, negative cords in your solar plexus that connect you with your husband. Use your hand to do a karate chop in front of your solar plexus to break these cords if it makes your visualization more effective.
Finally, see any holes left from the pulled cords being filled and healed with divine white or golden light.
If you would like angelic support in this process, ask Archangel Michael to help you remove cords of negative attachments from your aura. Most will be attached to the solar plexus. However, some of the cords may also be attached to your back (behind the heart) and the back of your head. Know that when you ask, help will be given. But you must ask.
After completing this process, remind yourself that you are safe, loved, and protected. Give thanks.
Repeat the process as often as necessary to break the connection and change an unhealthy pattern of thought and feeling. Once you have removed the energy cords, your energy level will improve, and you will feel lighter and more positive about your future.
At any time, you can close your eyes, breathe, and imagine yourself pulling your own energy back into and around your body.
This is a good technique to do if you’ve been interacting with a lot of people on a busy day, if you’ve just had a meeting with your lawyer or a mediator, or if you had an icky interaction with your ex-husband when he came to pick up your kids for visitation. You can also clear your energy field by showering with lemon glycerin soap or by spritzing a mist of lemon water around you. Using a water diffuser with pure (not synthetic) lemon essential oil in it will also do the trick.
I recommend that you visit a Reiki healer or a Reconnective healing practitioner if you feel drained or emotionally weakened during and after the divorce. Clarity, intuition, resilience, and decision-making are all affected by whether your energetic state is high or low. It is important for you to maintain an optimistic perspective and the feeling that you have a right to claim what you deserve. Maintaining a connection to your higher self and Spirit may be difficult, if not impossible if your chakras are not clear and you are attached to negative energy. It is like looking out a car windshield that is extremely dirty. What you see is distorted, if you can see at all. If you try to “drive” in this state, you may have an “accident.”
The exercises I have given you are like a spiritual window cleaner. It is your responsibility to take steps to ensure that you keep your energy field clean and open.
MEDITATION
“If you just sit and observe, you will see how restless your mind is. If you try to calm it, it only makes it worse, but over time it does calm, and when it does, there’s room to hear more subtle things—that’s when your intuition starts to blossom.”
―STEVEN JOBS
Meditation will help you cope better with your day if you do it first thing in the morning. It can also help you to unwind and shake off the residual impact of the day in the evening.
Spend five or ten minutes in the morning and evening breathing deeply and meditating by focusing on the movement of your breath. Or meditate at another time, if that is easier. When you are upset, it will probably be the last thing that you want to do, but that, in fact, is an excellent time to meditate. The times when you least want to do it are usually when you most need it because it can help you to calm down and think more clearly. It is also beneficial to meditate when you are feeling physically ill as it promotes healing.
There are a lot of self-help books on the topic of meditation, as well as many meditation groups that you can join to receive instruction and support. You may enjoy going to a meditation group, if you have the time, for the social connection with positive people. But what you need most is to sit down and do it regularly.
Some people have the misperception that meditation involves non-thought, which is just not possible. It is not necessary to eliminate your thoughts during meditation to benefit from the practice. You will have thoughts! Thoughts naturally come and go. The idea is to breathe in deeply and pay attention to your breath. When thoughts arise, acknowledge them, and label them as worrying, regretting, or planning thoughts, and do not attach to them. Just observe them and let them go on their way without allowing yourself to get pulled into the storyline.
The goal is to stay focused on your breath and stay centered in the present moment, which brings peace. If a thought lingers, simply go back to concentrating on your breathing. Focus on what your body is feeling and let go of any tightness.
