Breaking Bonds, page 5
PART TWO
THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL—
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
“You, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.”
―BUDDHA
CHAPTER THREE
BODY
FEEL YOUR FEELINGS
“The wound is the crack in which the light gets in.”
―RUMI
Although you know that you need to make changes, you may feel paralyzed by fear. You may be very afraid of your husband and want to leave him, but also of the prospect of getting a divorce and then being alone, paying the bills, and facing the uncertainty of your future.
Deep down you already know what you need to do. But you will need to summon up some courage to do it. Being brave doesn’t mean that we are not afraid. It means that we know we are strong enough to feel our fear and still do the right thing anyway.
For a while, I thought that I felt angry because I was getting a divorce. It wasn’t until after the divorce was final that I realized I had some very deep fears to deal with if I was ever going to be happy. I felt broken, unlovable, and afraid of my loneliness. I had felt lonely while married, but now I was a divorced woman in my mid-fifties who was overweight from having eaten my way through a bad marriage and divorce. What I had feared most all my life was being alone, and that fear is exactly what it was time to face.
We must face our biggest fears, as they have lessons to teach us. It is also important to allow yourself to experience your negative feelings, to feel sad and angry. I am not talking about wallowing in self-pity indefinitely, but fully feeling and then releasing your emotions. If you don’t, they will hang around you like a dark cloud, eventually festering and turning into depression or a physical disease. Emotions are energy in motion.
A while ago, I spoke with my therapist about this issue. I had become angry at some things that my ex-husband had done out of vindictiveness two years after our divorce was final. I didn’t want to feel angry anymore. I wanted not to feel anything at all so that it wouldn’t bother me. My therapist told me that I was being unrealistic. He said I should go ahead and get angry. To rebuild my self-esteem, it was vital to honor all my feelings, the “good” ones and the “bad” ones. By going ahead and allowing myself to get angry, I would be able to release those feelings and get over the anger much more quickly than if I tried to pretend that I was not angry.
This advice has proven to be very helpful to me during the past several years. I discovered that my feelings belong to me and are my own business. I stopped giving my ex-husband the satisfaction of knowing when he got to me. And I realized that it had not been safe for me to feel or express my emotions in childhood or my marriage, so I had to remind myself that I was now safe and it was OK for me to feel them.
It is empowering to feel your feelings and then calmly make a conscious decision as to how you are going to respond to them. You will make better decisions when you realize that you have a choice of how you are going to react or even whether you will react at all. It helps to remember that feelings are not permanent. We need to embrace all those feelings, as they inform us if we are truly listening to ourselves.
Once you have separated, you can expect your husband to push your buttons emotionally. Divorce is a complicated and stressful process, made worse by the dynamic of abuse. He probably will make threats and invent unrealistic demands to try to convince you that you will lose everything if you leave him. How should you deal with that? The one thing that you can do that will help you the most is to ignore your husband as much as you can and try to stay out of his presence. Do not engage him by responding to negative emails or phone calls.
You can also practice spiritual aikido and dodge the negative energy, which will have no place else to go but back to its sender. Visualize a spiritual wall of protection around you whenever he is near, or he pops into your mind. Glinda, the good witch in The Wizard of Oz, had a beautiful white bubble around her. You could slowly breathe deeply in and out during stressful moments and visualize yourself in a similar bubble. Personally, I visualize a golden bubble of protection that is the Holy Spirit around me.
When it comes to matters related to your children’s welfare, it will be better to respond through a third party whenever possible. For the rest of the time, don’t engage him at all and just direct him to have his attorney contact your attorney. Figuratively plant flowers in your life to crowd out the poisonous weeds of his negativity until they die out.
If you want to deal with your divorce effectively, feel and then release your emotions about it as quickly as you can and make sure that prayer, deep breathing, and meditation become part of your daily practice. Even spending a few minutes engaged in one of these practices each day will pay huge dividends in your ability to stay grounded and calm.
During this period, seek out friends and activities that give you positive energy and nurture and affirm you. Avoid negative people. Visualize a happier life, and trust that it will soon come to pass.
Also, make lists. Stress affects short-term memory for many people, so it will make you less likely to forget important chores and obligations if you make a list and refer to it daily. Knowing you have a list you can rely on can be an anxiety reducer.
HARNESS YOUR ANGER
“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”
―MAYA ANGELOU
Anger that remains unexpressed or is dealt with ineffectively turns inward and transforms into depression or bitterness. If you ignore what your body is trying to tell you it can make you sick. Yes, you have good reason to be angry—infuriated by your husband for his atrocious behavior and outraged at the situation that you find yourself in. In time, you will forgive him and move on to be truly happy, but that effort needs to take place after the divorce process is final or else you might inadvertently allow your husband to continue to abuse you or to take advantage of you in the divorce settlement at great cost to you and your children. Before forgiveness must come the appropriate use of your anger.
Right now, you will have to put your armor on and fight for yourself, because your husband is going to come after you now with everything he’s got—ruthlessly, vindictively, and relentlessly. That’s what you should expect. If he stooped low enough to verbally or physically abuse his wife and the mother of his children, he is capable of a lot worse if he feels that he is not in control. Wounded animals are much more dangerous when they feel threatened.
Protect yourself by giving yourself permission to get and stay angry for a good long while. You must. You are going to need your righteous anger to propel you forward to act. Do not make excuses for your husband’s behavior or harbor false hope that he is going to suddenly change his temperament and behave like a gentleman during the divorce. Anger is not a dirty word. It is a message from your body that you need to stand up for yourself. It is time for you to value your well-being, opinion, and feelings more than those of others. Channel your healthy, justifiable anger into productive action and use its energy to move in a new direction.
Use your anger to stand up for yourself in a constructive manner. It is part of the human condition, a sign that something is very wrong and needs correction. I am not talking about taking reactive, vindictive, or destructive actions. Those types of responses could be dangerous for you if your husband is a violent person. Rather, use your anger to take actions that help you to protect and defend you and your children. Anger wakes us up and gives us necessary strength.
The physical symptoms of anger include feeling hot in the neck and face, perspiring, clenching the jaw, shaking or trembling, dizziness, headache, stomachache, and rapid heart rate. When I got angry with my husband, it would overwhelm me. My tongue would feel thick, and my brain would freeze so that I could barely speak, much less defend myself in argument, after years of accumulated anger. Both my face and neck would turn bright red, and I would feel a pit in my stomach as if I had been sucker punched. I was afraid of my anger, so I tried to suppress it.
If your anger issues are unresolved and chronic, you may feel anxiety, muscle tension and pain, nausea, heart palpitations, tightness in the chest, tingling, problems with concentration and memory, and fatigue. You may repress your anger and feel hopelessness or depressed. You may suppress the feelings in your body and just feel numb and detached. You may resort to drugs, alcohol, overeating, or some other compulsive behavior, such as excessive spending or gambling, to try to help you forget your feelings.
It may be necessary for you to find a psychiatrist to get medication to help you deal with some of these symptoms; however, you also need a therapist to guide you on how to deal with the root of your anger and teach you how to process your feelings in a healthy manner. Before you consent to take any medication, ask about the side effects and whether the drug is addictive. Be sure always to follow dosage instructions and contact your doctor immediately if you experience side effects or find yourself craving more medication than was prescribed.
If your anger and anxiety go unresolved for too long, your immune system may become compromised, and you will be at heightened risk for stroke, high blood pressure, colds and flu, gastrointestinal problems, coronary heart disease, and even heart attacks, chronic sleep disorders, and serious memory loss. Those are just the physical risks. There are also emotional, mental health, and spiritual risks to consider.
After my divorce, when I was physically safe from abuse, I finally realized just how bad the abuse I had endured was. Until then, I had been so numb that I wasn’t even aware that I was suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD). It took a very long while to heal, but I could finally feel alive again without all that anger and pain.
LISTEN TO YOUR BODY TALK
“The true warrior is not immune to fear.
She fights in spite of it.”
―FRANCESCA LIA BLOCK
Many abused women develop eating disorders, chronic anxiety and depression, gynecological problems, and other physical and emotional problems, as well as drug and alcohol addiction. If you don’t think that you have any problems related to the abuse in your marriage, you need to see a therapist and find out why you are in denial. You can’t cure that of which you are not aware. If you are abused, whether physically or verbally, your body is in distress. Constant exposure to fear and violence is linked to a weakened immune response, premature aging, and learned helplessness, a state of mind in which you think that everything is so bad that there is nothing you can do but give up and remain a victim, feeling trapped and hopeless.
Violence is not just physical; it can take the form of constant verbal attacks on you that instill fear or compromise your well-being. Throughout this, your body is talking to you by giving you the gift of anger, depression, anxiety, fear, and other signs. I believe that God speaks to you through your gut instinct and other physical and emotional messages that you feel in your body.
We all were much more intuitive as children. But we usually lose the precious gift to trust ourselves and others as we get older. We tend to ignore important messages that our bodies tell us, like the signal to stop eating when we are full. More importantly, we are the only species on this planet that ignores the sense of danger that we feel when we encounter someone who intends us harm. We dismiss our sense of self-preservation if we are afraid of being viewed as impolite or ridiculous by a predator when we really should be protecting ourselves.
Pay attention to what your body is telling you. If you have a sick feeling in your gut or your heart races with fear or dread whenever your husband opens the door and walks in, something is wrong. If you feel bad physically on a frequent basis when he is around, or you are getting sick with one illness after another, your body is speaking volumes to you. You may even save your life by acting upon your instincts. A 2014 Violence Policy Center study reveals that over thirteen times as many women were murdered that year by a man they knew (1,388 victims) as were killed by men who were strangers (107 victims).1 According to an article by Robert Preidt in the U.S. National Library of Medicine (January 28, 2016), more American women are killed by someone they know in states with high rates of gun ownership.2
Don’t believe everything that you think. Believe your body talk instead. You are not helpless, even if you think you are. You simply have been brainwashed to be compliant for a very long time by a very sick man. Your body knows the truth and is trying to get your attention. Trust your gut feelings, as they are important. You need to get out of there, and your body is telling you to do just that if you will only listen.
GOOD EATS
“I choose to make the rest of my life the best of my life.”
―LOUISE HAY
Pay attention to what you eat and drink, especially while you are under stress. If you deprive your brain of good nutrition, it will not function when it is crucial for you to have your wits about you. Your decision-making will be greatly improved during this crucial time if you watch your diet. It is also an act of self-love. You deserve to be healthy, and there is no time like the present to start good habits. Here are a few guidelines to follow.
Drink at least eight glasses of water every day
Take a multivitamin
Cut down or eliminate processed foods, desserts, sugar, and artificial sweeteners, which will only make you crave more carbohydrates and sugars. Also, cut back or eliminate white foods, such as potatoes, white bread, pasta, or any other foods with a high glycemic index, as they contribute to obesity, diabetes, and poor cardiovascular health. Too many carbs can cause you to feel fatigued later in the day
Eat a lot of fresh produce—try to ingest a rainbow of colors every day
Stop buying soda, processed snacks, or desserts at the grocery store to save money so you can spend more on nutritious fresh fruits and vegetables
Avoid caffeine after two in the afternoon so that you will be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour
One thing most women are concerned about is aging, and inflammation is a main contributor to the aging process. Chronic inflammation leads to strokes and heart attacks, and there is evidence that it may cause some kinds of cancer. To reduce it, drink plenty of water and incorporate foods into your diet such as: extravirgin olive oil, walnuts, broccoli, fatty fish, grass-fed beef, grapes, cranberries, cocoa, red wine, and tea. Drink cocoa with skim or low-fat milk to reduce the saturated fat content. Sugar in the form of high-fructose corn syrup, as is found in many processed foods and soft drinks, contributes to obesity and is also very hard for your liver to metabolize. Chronic consumption of this ingredient elevates uric acid, which is damaging to your kidneys and causes inflammation.
It is also important that you floss your teeth daily to avoid inflammation in the mouth, as it can lead to periodontal disease and is linked to heart attacks.3
Mindful eating is going to make a huge difference in the way you feel physically and the way that you feel emotionally about yourself. The battle will be won in the grocery store and the kitchen. Shop the perimeter of the grocery store, since that is where the healthy foods are. You need to maintain your strength while you are going through this stressful ordeal, so be kind to yourself and eat well. This means consuming lean meats, fish, and plenty of fruits and vegetables.
You may not feel up to cooking, so adapt and learn some tasty short cuts. For example, to avoid cooking, you could buy a cooked rotisserie chicken at the grocery store and throw together a salad. This will take less time and cost less money than eating out. Use the leftover chicken to make chicken salad, and have soup and sandwiches the next evening. Or use it in a cheese quesadilla, white bean chili recipe, or a chicken casserole recipe with cheese and cream of whatever Campbell’s soup.
Keep it simple. Learn to cook more and love leftovers. They are your friends. You have a lot going on right now and need to preserve energy and time. Do a Google search for fast and easy healthy recipes. Toss a beef roast in your crockpot on low with a few ingredients before you leave for work in the morning.
You want your children to have a good diet, and they will learn by your example. Put well-balanced meals on the table to ensure that they eat healthy most of the time. In doing so, you may find that you lose a little weight if that has been a problem for you in the past. It is fine to have pizza or to eat out occasionally, just not all the time. There is no lasting comfort in comfort food because it makes you fat. You will feel better about yourself if you take care of your body and if you are a good role model for your children.
The smell of home cooking sends a message to your children that they are loved and cared for. You already know that homemade meals are much healthier for your family and less expensive than relying on fast food.
If you don’t know how to cook, now is as good a time to start as any. Cooking will distract you and keep your mind off your troubles. It will also save you money and help you stay on a budget. You can find all kinds of information and easy how-to videos on cooking websites and YouTube. After the divorce, you may also want to go to cooking classes to meet other people as well as learn useful skills. Some local high schools offer very affordable evening classes during the winter months for parents on a wide range of topics, including meal preparation, or you can find classes taught by local chefs held at private homes.
Before you go to the grocery store on Saturday, decide which recipes you plan to use during the week, make a list, and buy the ingredients you will need. Encourage your children to participate in menu planning and in trying new things. You can plan it so that you only need to cook three or four nights a week and then eat leftovers the rest of the week. Also, encourage your children to help you cook. If they are old enough, they can peel and dice veggies, set the table, and do the dishes. Chores are good for children. They need to learn how to cook so that they can become independent and healthy adults. Doing these things together as a family will also help bring you together.
