Breaking Bonds, page 16
It would be better if you limit your email responses to the bare minimum, and only discuss the children. Do not take his phone calls if possible. He is going to try either to guilt you into taking him back or to make you feel bad about yourself. He may say he has changed. He hasn’t, and he won’t. Your husband may change temporarily, just long enough for you to drop the divorce petition, but you wouldn’t have gotten to this point if he sincerely meant it.
Your best and safest strategy is to avoid his emails and phone calls, which will have the sole purpose of trying to wear you down. Do not engage in recriminations back and forth. He is not sorry, so save your energy for yourself, your children, and your job.
Be careful what you say on the phone or in letters, too, as these may be used against you in court as well. It is better to have your attorney handle the case and stay away from your husband’s negativity.
I finally divorced my husband after my children were adults, but I continued to receive emails from him for over two years afterward. These emails were usually a toxic and crazy combination of conciliatory and hostile remarks. They did nothing for my self-esteem or our relationship, which should have ended with the divorce.
It was empowering to me to email him one last time to tell him that I was blocking his emails and phone calls from then on and that he could reach me through one of the children if there was an emergency. Then I did just that.
DOCUMENT DETAILS
“We store away clues, details that may be useful to us later.”
―DANI SHAPIRO
You may want to find out if it is legal to record conversations with your husband without his permission in your state. If it is, record them as a matter of course. If it is not, take detailed notes, recording the date and time of each one. Keep a phone log of your calls with him.
Of course, it is better for your well-being to keep these conversations limited or to eliminate them entirely, but if you must talk to him, use those interactions to your advantage in court. Your husband will try to get under your skin and manipulate you or scare you in the conversations. Write down as much as you can word for word right after the call, or as soon after it happens as is possible.
Write down whatever details you can recall about incidents in the past that would affect custody or that could be used to support your settlement. Procrastinating in making such records may result in faulty records or missing details, which will undermine your case.
Gather any documents that can support you in your divorce proceedings, including letters, emails, Facebook posts, receipts for gifts purchased for a lover, and detailed records of incidents or visitations. Record when your husband is late or he cancels or fails to show up for a scheduled visit with your children. This behavior could have an impact on custody.
Remember to hide your records documenting calls and other interactions with your husband in a secure location. Whatever you do, do not let your husband know that you are documenting what is going on. You will need to continue keeping records even after the divorce decree is signed, as some men will sue for custody after the divorce is final.
PROPER PROTOCOL
“Judgments prevent us from seeing the good that lies
beyond appearances.”
―WAYNE DYER
Chances are very high that your divorce will be negotiated between the attorneys you and your husband hire or through mediation. But you need to be prepared to go to trial in a courtroom in front of a judge, just in case you cannot agree on terms.
Even if you come to terms on financial matters, you may need to go to court to ask for a restraining order or to handle custody issues. Here are some tips on how to behave and what to expect in court.
Get a good night’s sleep before court appearances, and have a coaching session with your attorney beforehand if you are nervous about how you will come across in court.
Bring your well-organized accordion file with your copy of all the important documents to court with you, just in case there is something that your attorney is missing. Although he or she will probably bring all the necessary paperwork, my attorney forgot to bring a document that was crucial on one occasion. Fortunately, I had my copy on hand (See “Organize to Optimize”).
Also, bring a notepad and pen to take notes and to write your attorney a message in court if one is needed. Be sure to let your attorney know immediately if something is said in court that is untrue or if the attorney gets some facts or dates wrong—but do it quietly.
If you bring a friend or relative for support, they will not be allowed to sit at your table, and you should not look at them or talk with them during your proceedings. It would be much better for you to avoid bringing them in the first place in case they make you nervous. You do not want to be distracted. If they offer to come, please say no thank you and be firm about it.
Avoid proximity to your spouse in the hall or waiting room to prevent conflicts. If he insists on arguing with you, call security. If your attorney is not there when you get to court, he or she probably has other cases scheduled close to the same time. When your case is called, let the bailiff or court clerk know. They will call the attorney or postpone the court date.
There will be a court stenographer present who will transcribe everything that is said, although some cases are tape recorded rather than transcribed. It is possible that your first court appearance may not be in front of a judge, but rather a matrimonial referee, a law clerk, or another court-appointed person. As they are acting in an official capacity, it is important to be as courteous and truthful with them as you would be with the judge.
At trial, each attorney makes an opening statement, which is a summary of the case. The plaintiff’s attorney then calls witnesses to testify and presents evidence. If you filed for divorce, then you are the plaintiff. In some states, this individual is called by a different term.
Opposing counsel then cross-examines the plaintiff’s witnesses. Afterward, opposing counsel calls the defendant’s (your husband’s, if you filed) witnesses and presents evidence. The plaintiff’s attorney has the right to cross-examine them.
Closing statements will then presented in court by each attorney. These state what each side is requesting in the divorce and how they want the judge to rule. Make sure that your attorney has your wishes spelled out in writing, and preferably typed, as those notes ultimately may be incorporated into the divorce decree.
Most judges do not tell you their decision at the trial. In fact, you may have to wait several weeks for a final decision on the divorce settlement. Your attorney may then have to file additional paperwork to get the divorce finalized.
If there is an appeal, only issues of law, not issues of fact, will be reviewed. An appellate court can only decide if the trial court applied the law properly. You have a certain period in which to file an appeal, so be sure to let your attorney know if you think that the decision was wrong or unfair as soon as possible after you read the decision. Appeals are lengthy and expensive, so be sure to get a realistic idea from your attorney as to whether you should pursue one.
Remember the following when going to court.
Be prompt. Make sure that you are always on time for appointments with your attorney, your mediator, and especially for court appearances. Allow plenty of time for traffic issues, finding the location (including getting lost), parking, and passing through a security line at the door to the court. Security is a lot like airport screening.
Dress the part. Wear conservative clothing, such as a simple dress or a nice jacket and skirt. Dress modestly. Jeans and shorts are not respectful of the court or the gravity of the situation. Leave vanity at the door and go easy on the makeup and jewelry. Cover up any tattoos and only wear one pair of pierced earrings at a time. Remove nose rings and ear cuffs. If you don’t have a nice outfit and don’t have the money to buy one, go to a used clothing store. I have found designer brands that had never been worn at some of these shops, as they still had price tags attached. You don’t want to look too affluent, but you do want to look presentable and respectful. The judge may be older and conservative. He or she will probably be affected by your appearance and demeanor, whether you like it or not. Now is not the time to take a stand on your mode of dress. The outcome of your case is just too important.
Be respectful. You want the judge to be on your side. Address the judge directly as “Your Honor.” Stand whenever the judge stands and when the judge is giving a decision or order regarding your case.
Answer only “Yes, sir/Yes, ma’am” or “No, sir/No ma’am” to yes or no questions. If you don’t know the answer, say, “I don’t know.” or “I don’t remember.” Do not guess.
When you are questioned on the witness stand, keep your answers short and to the point. Answer only the question that was asked. Do not try to be helpful by elaborating your answer as you could hurt your case in doing so poorly. If you bring up other issues in your answer, you may end up hurting your case. The judge could perceive you as wasting the court’s time.
Only speak when asked a question. Never interrupt the judge. Pass a note or whisper quietly if you must communicate with your attorney while you are in the courtroom— which is only if there is something important you need to tell him or her.
Stay calm and do not get emotional on the stand. Do not let your husband’s attorney goad you into losing your temper.
Tell the truth. If you don’t, it will cost you. Committing perjury is a felony, and you could end up with a substantial fine and jail time if you lie under oath.
DIVORCE CONFIDENTIAL
“Trust in yourself. Your perceptions are often far more accurate than you are willing to believe.”
―CLAUDIA BLACK
Please keep in mind that any conversations you have with friends, family, or in-laws are not confidential in a divorce proceeding. They could be subpoenaed to divulge this information in court by opposing counsel, or they could accidentally let something slip that you need to be kept private. It is best that you only share details of your marriage that could affect you adversely with your attorney and your therapist because these are confidential relationships.
If you have a close friend whom your husband does not know, feel free to vent—but only if you are certain that this individual is completely trustworthy, discreet, and nonjudgmental of you. Only share your negotiation strategy with your attorney and your trusted financial advisor. You will need to make sure that you do not have regrets later about your having had a lack of discretion in the divorce.
Do not violate an important boundary and rely on your children for emotional support. Do not confide details of your marriage that would be best discussed with your therapist to them. It is bad enough that they have seen or heard abuse in the home. You need to put your children’s needs before your own. You will have a better relationship with them afterward if you remain in a neutral parental role throughout the divorce.
Badmouthing your husband will poison your relationship with your children, so avoid doing it. If your husband is a real manipulator, it may have been necessary for you to inform them of what is going on, but please continue to choose your words carefully. Avoid name-calling, as this may make your children defensive and protective of their father and resentful of you, which is not what you want to accomplish.
Say that what their father did is not acceptable, rather than he is not acceptable. It will help to reduce the emotional burden of your divorce on your children, who are already coping with overwhelming feelings.
Feel free to call him a pathological liar, abuser, and devious manipulator to your therapist and best friend. Vent to the right person.
ORGANIZE TO OPTIMIZE
“Tis skill, not strength, that governs a ship.”
―THOMAS FULLER
Organization can save you. Having a checklist and detailed notes will help to reduce your level of stress. Keep:
A phone log of calls with your spouse. Record the date, time, and content of each of your calls.
A separate phone log of calls and messages that you have left for your paralegal and attorney.
Copies of all documents that you have given to your attorney in case he/she cannot locate an important item. Make sure that you organize the documents you give to the attorney so that you are not billed by his/her office to put them in chronological order. I set up file folders for my attorney, labeled for different topics, such as Assets & Liabilities, Bank Statements, Brokerage Statements, Credit Card Statements, Household Inventory, Appraisals, Interrogatories, Tax Returns, Evidence and Abusive Emails, Receipts, and Division of Assets. I then put them in an accordion file, which I handed to the attorney at our second meeting. I kept them updated. Don’t assume that your attorney is organized. Help him or her to be more effective by making your items easy to find when needed.
A record of the date you deposit child support payments.
Paid and unpaid bills (in separate files).
A comprehensive calendar of children’s appointments and sports events, business obligations, attorney appointments, deadlines, and court dates to avoid booking appointments related to your divorce when you are not going to be available. (This can prove where you or your children were at certain times.)
Also use to-do lists, whether in writing or on your computer or other personal device, so that you don’t forget important details. It is essential, for example, that you pay your bills on time before, during, and after the divorce, as you are now creating a credit history as a single person.
Please remember that most people forget important details when they are under a lot of stress and that you and your attorney probably won’t be exceptions to this rule. Having a system in place to keep you both organized is essential to reduce the stress and win your case.
TAKING PERSONAL STOCK
“We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do
not exist.”
―QUEEN VICTORIA
Make an inventory of all your valuable personal property and take pictures of all the furniture, jewelry, paintings, collections, antiques, kitchen goods, tools, electronics, vehicles, and equipment. Make sure that the date and time stamp is working, as it will give you proof of ownership on the date you took the pictures. Or you can email it to yourself at work so that you have dated proof. Make sure that your husband is aware that he won’t be able just to cart things off and deny that they existed. Even if they disappear, they will be considered in the division of assets. Make a list of each item, indicating which ones were owned prior to the marriage, gifts, or inherited. Those will be excluded from marital property, so you won’t have to get them appraised. Unless your husband is willing to be reasonable in splitting the other items, you will need to get an appraisal of all except the excluded items and prepare a list of which items you want to receive in your share and which items you think that your husband should receive. Indicate on each list whether it was previously owned, a gift, inherited, or your portion or your husband’s portion of the marital property. Keep track of the appraisal costs that you incur, as your husband is liable to pay half of those expenses. That is only going to happen if you insist on including it in the checklist of expenses for your attorney.
It will save you and your husband a lot of money if you can agree on how to divide your personal property, so make a list of what is most important to you and what is most important to him. If it is possible, see if you can both agree to use eBay or estate sale values instead of having to get everything appraised. It would be best to communicate this via email. If he is unfair or becomes abusive or uncooperative, then please leave it alone and just hire an appraiser. Make a list of what you think is a reasonable division of personal property and give a copy of it to your lawyer along with the appraisal to present to the court.
GUARDIAN AD LITEM
“It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.”
―POPE JOHN XXIII
If the court appoints a legal guardian or guardian ad litem to represent your children throughout the custody aspect of your divorce case, it is in your best interest to be friendly and cooperative with this individual. A guardian ad litem is usually, though not always, an attorney who represents the children’s point of view regarding custody and visitation to the court. Such people are often paid by the state but are sometimes paid by the parents.
In my state, trained volunteers who work as court-appointed special advocates (CASA) represent the children’s interests.
You can expect your children’s guardian ad litem to contact you to set up a home visit to talk with you about your relationship with each of the children and your point of view regarding custody. They will also speak privately with each of your children and with your ex-husband. The guardian may make a recommendation to the judge about custody. Since this person is very influential, you want the guardian ad litem to be on your side.
Make sure that you and the children are calm and neatly groomed and that the house is as clean and inviting as possible when the guardian ad litem comes to visit.
If there are allegations of child abuse, a state caseworker may be assigned to investigate. Notify your attorney as soon as you are aware of any investigation, and share copies of any documents with him.
MEDIATION
“You don’t notice the referee during the game
unless he makes a bad call.”
―DREW CURTIS
Mediation (aka arbitration) is a way of resolving a dispute between two parties with facilitation by a neutral third party known as a mediator. Most divorce cases get settled in mediation without ever going to trial. Do not assume that mediation will work to your benefit just because you have been the victim of abuse. Although it is true that mediation is less expensive than going to trial, you could end up with a lot less than you would by going to court and paying the extra costs to pay the attorney to represent you there. If your husband doesn’t budge, you must be prepared to go to court.
