Breaking Bonds, page 24
The Forgiveness Prayer in the Jewish prayer book known as the Siddur, reads:
I forgive all those who may have hurt or aggravated me either physically, monetarily, or emotionally, whether unknowingly or willfully, whether accidentally or intentionally, whether in speech or in action, whether in this incarnation or another, and may no person be punished on account of me.2
It is very good for your health to release any toxic emotions from your body. These charged feelings get trapped and then become triggered by traumatic memories. True forgiveness may not be possible until you can release these trapped emotions from your body. Tears are very therapeutic for that reason.
If you have PTSD, it may be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to forgive traumatic events that you are still reliving in your mind, with all the corresponding emotions, as if they just happened. It may be necessary to treat the trauma first with EFT, EMDR, or some other method that works for you to release these stuck emotions. You will then be able to remember an incident calmly with detachment. This will give you the freedom to forgive the other person and truly be at peace.
In Healing Everyday Traumas by Lynn Karjala, simple tapping exercises are given to discharge the trauma and help reduce and eliminate negative feelings and beliefs, using emotional freedom technique (EFT) and thought field therapy (TFT). These exercises work by stimulating the flow of vital energy along the meridians, a set of pathways in the body that are associated with specific organs.3 This technique, called acupressure, is like acupuncture, but without the needles.
Remember that forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself as well as to others. We are all connected in Spirit, and God does not play favorites. His love is all encompassing and impersonal. God is love and love is God. As difficult as it may be to accept at first, God loves your ex-husband as He loves you. Expressing compassion for yourself, as well as for your ex-husband, who must be a very sick person to have done those horrible things, is in order.
Better to leave judgment to God.
Forgiveness is not rational, but it is very necessary if you are going to be a happy person living your best life.
In Anatomy of the Spirit, Caroline Myss states: “In the life and teachings of Jesus, forgiveness is a spiritual act of perfection, but it is also a physically healing act. . . . Forgiveness is an essential spiritual act that must occur to open oneself fully to the healing power of love. Self-love means caring for ourselves enough to forgive people in our past so that the wounds can no longer damage us—for our wounds do not hurt the people who hurt us, they hurt only us.”4
Be vigilant about your thoughts. You could miss out on a lot while you look backward. Living your best life is up to you. Now is the time for you to liberate yourself from your old life and create a new and exciting one. You get to choose.
SELF-REGARD
“Sometimes God allows what he hates to accomplish what
he loves.”
―JONI EARECKSON TADA
Your husband brainwashed you into thinking that you have no value and your needs are not important—possibly over a period of many years. He may have told you that you are incompetent, unattractive, unintelligent, incapable of anything worthwhile, and without options over and over. He may have screamed horrible epithets at you or demeaned you into thinking that those dreadful things he said were true, or both. He may not have bothered even to answer you when you tried to talk to him, which is another form of abuse.
Anyone who tries to demean you and reduce your sense of self is not worthy of you. You must come to the point where you realize that the real reason your husband has been telling you these lies is to keep you powerless and afraid. Remember that it is going to take time for you to recover and believe deep down that you are not those awful things he said you were. You may continue to need self-esteem work for many months, if not years, after your divorce. Be patient with yourself. A good counselor, as well as the company of nonjudgmental friends, will continue to be extremely helpful in your recovery.
Another means of improving self-regard is mirror work. As described by Louise Hay in You Can Heal Your Life, this technique helps to mend the fabric of the mind and boosts self-esteem.5 Here are a few basic instructions on how to do it.
Very simply, say: “I love you, I really love you _______________ (your name),” while gazing into your own eyes, ten times twice a day. This one practice can do wonders for you. The first time or two that you do it, it may bring up some strong emotions for you, which is a sign that it is working. I cried the first time that I did it.
Yes, it’s awkward and seems silly, but you will get used to it. It works if you will do it daily for weeks, months, or whatever period it takes for the message to sink in.
Many people look outside themselves for self-esteem, to such things as material or job success, popularity, dress size, and so on. Using external factors to determine your self-esteem will set you up for failure, as these things are temporary and fade away. You have an intrinsic worth as a child of God that is not attached at all to what you do or how you look. Use the affirmation “God loves me as I am, I am enough.” right before bedtime to help it seep into your subconscious mind, where the repair work needs to take place. When negative thoughts and doubts appear, choose not to believe them. Gently dismiss them as old, limiting thoughts that no longer serve you and repeat your positive, esteem-building affirmation.
Ironically, one of the best ways to boost your self-esteem is to think about yourself just a little bit less and think about others more. An obsessive pursuit of self-esteem to the exclusion of other objectives may prevent you from pursuing other important goals, such as continuing your education or helping others. Yes, you do need to work on yourself, just not all the time. There is a balance. I usually feel very uncomfortable in large groups. I feel calmer if I try to set someone else in the group at ease by showing genuine interest in how they are and asking them unobtrusive questions about themselves. Most people appreciate genuine inquiries.
Give to others what you want to receive, such as patience, respect, and kindness. Make this a daily practice. Ask in prayer each morning, “What shall I say, what can I do, who can I help today?” The more love that you give, the more you will feel connected to others.
The Kabbalah, an ancient Jewish mystical practice, states that we are all connected and that we are here in this life to receive in order to share with others. Accept help with gratitude when it is offered. Be willing to receive so that you can recover and heal. Feel valued and worthy of receiving assistance and love. You will also feel better about yourself if you help someone else. It can be a smile, a kind word, a willingness to listen, or something more concrete. All the ways you can give of yourself are valuable.
Of course, you have an obligation to take care of yourself. Do not ignore or forget to honor your own needs when you are giving to others. Jesus rested when he needed to. See Mark 6:31, Matthew 8:21, Matthew 11:28–29, and Matthew 26:45 regarding the topic of rest. The divorce process may leave you feeling depleted on occasion. Rest when you need to and take care of yourself.
A WONDERFUL LIFE . . . IS A
MEANINGFUL LIFE
“Follow your bliss.”
―JOSEPH CAMPBELL
In looking for a way to patch the holes in my heart left by my parents and ex-husband, one of the many things that I have learned is that my past has made me a kinder, more thoughtful, and more compassionate person. Not a perfect person, by any means, but I hope a better one. I can pick up nonverbal cues when someone is hurting and trying not to show it. I can reach out to them and offer a little kindness willingly, as I know how much it means when someone offers it to me.
The main purpose of life is to give and receive love. No judgment, no condemnation, just pure, unconditional love. We are all intimately connected to each other and God, so when you act in a loving way to someone else you also are showing love to yourself.
Regardless of your religion, please look at the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
I have recited this prayer hundreds of times without fully understanding on a spiritual level why it is in giving that we receive or in loving that we are loved. But it is. We are connected to one another as one in Spirit so that giving to someone else is the same thing as receiving ourselves. Give what you need to receive. Also, be receptive to receiving love and support; know in your heart that you are worthy of it. You must be able to receive in order to be able to give. Many women turn away offers of assistance so as not to impose on others, out of pride, or due to a false belief that they do not deserve it. Others are then denied the opportunity to give when it is needed. Offer help when you can and remember to accept help as well. Giving and being of service is our ultimate purpose.
THE END IS THE BEGINNING
“Change and renewal are themes in life, aren’t they? We keep growing throughout life.”
―SUSAN MINOT
Some women feel as if their lives are over when they get a divorce. Grieving the end of a marriage sometimes feels like a death. Allow yourself to grieve for the marriage that you should have had, then let it go. Your life is going to change. Do not be afraid of change; embrace it. You now have the freedom to make important decisions on your own regarding your lifestyle, home, career, and relationships. When the fog clears, you will realize that you saved your own life. You cannot change the past, but you have learned many lessons in your marriage and divorce that you will not repeat. You get to start over.
You now have the tools to practice self-care and to improve your self-esteem. The life ahead of you is rich with possibility. You have proven that you are a survivor and that you are a stronger person after having gone through the ordeal of leaving your abuser and the abuse behind. That is a real accomplishment. You can survive and thrive. Make good choices, ask for help when you need it, and have determination. Give thanks. Take one day at a time and do the things that you know you need to do to improve your life and be happy. You deserve it.
CONCLUSION
“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”
―THEODORE ROOSEVELT
How you fare in the divorce is up to you to a large extent. Be your own best advocate by educating yourself, being realistic in your expectations, deciding in advance what you want to achieve, and standing your ground with your attorney and the mediator—if you’re using one—if they don’t seem to be acting in your interest or try to make decisions for you. The outcome of your divorce proceedings will affect you and your children for the rest of your lives, so hold firm. Don’t let any mistakes made in the past or during the divorce stop you from asserting your right to receive what you deserve.
Needing to avoid conflict by going along with aggressive men during mediation when it wasn’t in my best interest was a very costly mistake I made. From this, I have learned that it is not always possible to avoid conflict. Sometimes you must fight. I didn’t, so I lost. Be confident in the righteousness of your cause, as there is a lot is at stake and you don’t get to hit the repeat button.
I learned to trust my judgment and do my research during my divorce. Understand that just because your attorney is intelligent does not mean that he or she will be able to take the time to research the issues that you feel are vitally important to you.
Busy attorneys can’t be expected to be as invested in the outcome of the divorces they negotiate as their clients are. Remember that it is extremely important for you to be prepared to stand up for yourself in the final hour of negotiations. Read the agreement carefully before you sign it. This is your responsibility.
Remember to pray, prepare, and act. Let go of the things that are out of your control and move on. Forgive yourself for having made mistakes, and acknowledge that you will continue to make them in the future, as all of us do. Hopefully, you will make different mistakes because you have already learned from the ones you have made.
Take good care of yourself through this ordeal so that you can stay strong. You deserve freedom from abuse. You deserve to be fairly treated in the divorce. You deserve to be happy and at peace. Remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. I am in your corner. Many other people are willing to help you. Just ask.
“Good luck and Godspeed.”
―LAUNCH CONTROL TO THE CREW OF APOLLO 11
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I could not have written this book without a lot of help from others.
Thank you to all the women who willingly shared their experiences with me.
Thank you to my therapist of many years, Jerry Campbell, LCSW, whose constructive advice and insights helped me to heal and to pursue a more spiritual life.
Thank you to my patient and tireless editor, Stephanie Gunning, for her sense of humor, valuable feedback, and many necessary revisions.
Thank you for many happy memories to my dear childhood friend, Laurie Miller Spencer, who loved being an emergency room doctor and tragically lost her young life to gun violence from a former partner.
I am grateful to both my father and my ex-husband for having been my two greatest teachers. They helped me to become a better person. The lessons that they taught me may be of great benefit to my readers as well, which is a bonus.
The author will donate a portion of the net proceeds of this book to New York Institute of Technology Laurie Miller Spencer Scholarship Fund and the YWCA.
END NOTES
The biblical references in this book are all drawn from the King James version of the Bible.
Chapter 1 The Truth about Him
1. William Hirstein. “What Is a Psychopath?” Psychology Today (posted January 30, 2013). Available at: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mindmelding/201301/what-is-a-psychopath-0.
2. Eleanor D. Payson. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family (Royal Oak, MI.: Julian Day Publications, 2002), p. 21.
3. Ibid, p. 50.
4. Callie Marie Rennison. “Intimate Partner Violence 1993–2001” Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice (February 2003). Available at https://www.ncjrs.gov/app/ publications/abstract.aspx?ID=197838.
5. M.C. Black, K.C. Basile, M.J. Breiding, S.G. Smith, M.L. Walters, M.T. Merrick, J. Chen, and M.R. Stevens. “The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2010 Summary Report” National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (November 2011)). Available at: http://www.cdc.gov/ violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_report2010-a.pdf.
6. Shannan Catalano. “Intimate Partner Violence in the United States” Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice (revised December 19, 2007; accessed August 3, 2017). Available at: https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/ipvus.pdf.
7. Ibid.
Chapter 2 The Truth about You
1. Barbara Roberts. Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion (Victoria, Australia: Maschil Press, 2008), pp. 25–6, 46, and 50.
2. Neale Donald Walsch. What God Wants: A Compelling Answer to Humanity’s Biggest Question (New York: Atria Books, 2005), p. 190.
Chapter 3 Body
1. “When Men Murder Women: An Analysis of 2014 Homicide Data,” Violence Policy Center (September 2016). Available at: http://www.vpc.org/studies/wmmw2016.pdf.
2. Robert Preidt. “More Women Killed by Someone They Know in States with High Gun Rates,” HealthDay News (January 28, 2016). Available at: https://consumer. healthday.com/public-health-information-30/violence-health-news-787/more-women-killed-by-someone-they-know-in-states-with-high-gun-rates-707449.html.
3. “Connection Between Mouth Bacteria, Inflammation in Heart Disease” Science Daily (April 16, 2015). Available at: www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/04/150416132205.htm.
4. The Complete Book of Water Healing by Dian Buchman (New York: Contemporary Books, 2001), pp. 11, 159–61, and 224–30.
5. Institute of Medicine, “Sleep Disorders and Sleep Deprivation: An Unmet Public Health Problem, Washington, D.C., The National Academies Press, 2006.
6. William D. S. Kilgore, E. T. Kahn-Greene, E.L. Lipizzi, R.A. Newman, G.H. Kamimori, and T.J. Balkin. “Sleep Deprivation Reduces Perceived Emotional Intelligence and Constructive Thinking Skills,” Sleep Medicine, vol. 9, no. 5 (July 2007), pp. 517–26.
7. Bruce McEwen and Ilia N. Karatsoreos. “Sleep Deprivation and Circadian Disruption: Stress, Allostasis, and Allostatic Load,” Sleep Medicine Clinics, vol. 10, no. 1 (March 2015), pp. 1–10.
Chapter 4 Mind
1. Eckhart Tolle. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment (Novato, CA.: New World Library, 1999), p. 57.
2. Karl Deisseroth. “A Look Inside the Brain,” Scientific American, vol. 315 (September 20, 2016), pp. 30–7.
3. Louise Hay. You Can Heal Your Life (Carlsbad, CA.: Hay House, 1984), pp. 75–82, and 91–5.
4. Byron Katie. Question Your Thinking, Change the World: Quotations from Byron Katie (Carlsbad, CA.: Hay House, 2007), p. xvi.
