Breaking Bonds, page 13
If your husband violates a restraining order, call the police immediately. Write down the names of the police officers, and the date and time that they came out in response to your call. You will need this information when you go to trial.
If your husband violates the restraining order more than once and has threatened physical violence or has been violent, make sure the police know this fact when they come out. This behavior is stalking. The laws against stalking are not always enforced effectively by law enforcement officials, especially if the stalker is considered a “pillar of the community.”
You may ask to get the restraining order moved from family court to criminal court and have your husband prosecuted for felony stalking. You may need to get aggressive and insistent about this to ensure that he is prosecuted. Stand up for yourself and don’t let someone else decide that your abuser gets a free pass. It may mean life or death for you and for your children.
The illusion of protection can be worse than not having it at all. If you fear for your safety, the best recourse is to leave home immediately for a domestic violence shelter.
Once you are in a safe house, you should contact your state’s division of social services or child support enforcement office. You do not need to hire an attorney for a child support order, but you will need to hire an attorney for your separation and divorce. Do not use the same attorney that your spouse is using (see “He Will Not Be Fair,” click here).
You may want to contact the local Legal Aid Society, which you can locate at the Legal Services Corporation website, to find a free or reduced-rate attorney in your area (see Resources). The National Domestic Abuse Hotline can also give you a referral.
If you are having trouble feeding your children or need clothes, contact your local Salvation Army and Food Bank (see Resources). They can also help you with getting on a food assistance program. If you do not have a job, visit the unemployment benefits website for resources or to apply for benefits (see Resources). The Salvation Army also provides skill set evaluations, educational and skill supplementation, interview and job placement assistance.
Head Start and many local churches offer child care services. Contact the Social Services Department in your area to find out what is available (see Resources).
Do not be embarrassed about asking for help. These services are available to families in need for a reason. Once you get on your feet, pay it forward by giving back to your community. But you can’t do that unless and until you become self-sufficient. There is no reason to suffer without food, clothes, or shelter in a country as wealthy as the United States.
If you are not in immediate danger, check online for help in getting a job, acquiring job skills, or taking college courses at your local community college while you are preparing to get out. Having a sense of independence will help improve your self-esteem, and your efforts to become independent will provide a good example for your children.
Before you separate from your husband, set up a bank account in your name alone. Have the statements from this bank account sent to a post office box instead of to your home address. If you can do so, remove half of the jointly held funds and placed them in your personal account for safe keeping, to prevent your husband from draining the accounts and leaving you without any funds to pay bills. Do not drain the joint account yourself, however, and leave your husband without funds, as that would be unethical.
Disclose what you have done with money in your first meeting with your lawyer. Attorneys have a difference of opinion as to whether a woman should move funds to her private account before she files for divorce. In my opinion, an abusive situation warrants taking this step. An abuser will do whatever it takes to be punitive and maintain control, and that means that it is highly likely that he will drain the household accounts as soon as he becomes aware that his wife plans to divorce him.
Although your attorney can ask the judge in your case to issue a temporary order to freeze your jointly held bank accounts, such measures take time. You need to have funds for your day-to-day living expenses and to pay your attorney and court expenses in the meantime.
As discussed elsewhere, your husband will likely use delaying tactics and may even take you back to court frequently, as mine did. If you have no access to funds, you may be forced to drop your divorce action or to accept an unfair settlement.
The husband of one woman I know closed all their shared bank accounts shortly after she filed for divorce so that she had absolutely nothing on which to live. She had three minor children to feed and had to find ways to live without funds until she received her next paycheck. The judge is going to look at that kind of behavior with disapproval if this couple’s case goes to trial, but it didn’t make it easy for her family.
If you don’t think that your abuser will do this to you, you are mistaken. It happens all the time when people are splitting up.
Keep at least a month’s worth of living expenses in hard cash in a safe place outside your home, to be used only in an emergency.
You should also try to get a restraining order that protects your marital assets when you file for divorce. This kind of order will prevent your husband from clearing out your banking and investment accounts. Make sure that the bank and any brokerage firms involved have a copy of this order as soon as possible.
It is probably a good idea for you to put important documents and cash, as well as your fine jewelry, in a safe deposit box of your own at a bank and to take a complete inventory of what is in a joint bank box you may hold with your spouse. If you have a joint bank box, inform the bank that both signatures are required to open the joint box once you initiate divorce proceedings. Get the name of the person you talk with at the bank and write it down, making sure that person is aware that you are documenting the conversation. This step will help you to prevent negligence on the bank’s part as the staff will not be able to claim ignorance.
If you have a home safe, change the code on the lock. If your husband has a key to the safe, change the lock or purchase a new safe that he doesn’t have access to—after removing the contents from the old safe that belong to you.
Expect your husband to take or destroy any documents that you leave in the home, where they are unprotected. There is no safe place there to hide things. Do not expect him to do anything less than to try to hurt you. His actions may include pawning or selling your jewelry.
You may want to lock your laptop computer in your car hidden from view or leave it at work if there is anything on it that you don’t want him to see related to your finances.
Change your passwords for online access to bank or brokerage accounts, credit card companies, utility companies, and other online stores where you have stored your credit card information for convenience, such as Amazon, PayPal, and eBay. Also, change the access codes for any ATM cards or credit cards that you have. Make sure that the list of your new passwords for these cards and accounts is in a secure location outside of the home.
COPE WITH WHAT IS
“Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”
―VIRGINIA SATIR
If you are married to someone who has been physically abusive in the past, you need to accept that filing for divorce is going to make him prone to escalating the violence. And you need to prepare for this possibility in advance. As an abuser, your husband is capable of anything—and you already know he wants to hurt you, so don’t be caught off guard. Remember who and with what you are dealing.
Once your husband has left home, there are precautions you need to take.
Change the locks on your doors and put locks on the windows. Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. If you can afford it, install a security system and a motion-sensitive lighting system around the perimeter of the building.
Continue to keep your cell phone with you always. Install a phone line in a room that you can lock from the inside.
Change to an unlisted phone number and make sure you have caller ID and the ability to block unwanted callers on your phones.
Use an answering machine to screen your calls. Have your calls screened at work by the receptionist, if possible.
Get a post office box for your mail so that your husband cannot open and read it.
Open new accounts at a different bank, and bank in a different location than before.
Do not talk on your cell phone when you are walking to or from your car or garage at work, or anywhere else. Your husband could sneak up behind you.
Pay close attention to your surroundings and wear a police whistle around your neck and carry a bottle of pepper spray in your purse.
Take a self-defense course.
Reschedule any regular appointments that your husband may be aware of for a different time on a different day.
Change your route to work, and take the children to school by new routes.
It will be much safer if your children change schools so that your husband cannot kidnap them. Most kidnappers are parents. Abusers often act out of retaliation against their ex-wives. You cannot be too careful; change schools more than once if necessary.
Even if you aren’t worried about your ex-husband disappearing with the children, you should keep recent pictures of your children, along with records of their heights, weights, coloring, scars, and other noticeable markings. Pictures and records should be updated once a year. A good resource is the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (see the Resources section).
If you are worried that your husband may kill you and you are still living in the family home, relocate immediately. Nothing is worth risking your life or the lives of your children.
It may be necessary for you to change your work hours or your place of employment. Do whatever you must do.
Frequent different stores and gas stations, and join a different church.
Try not to go to lunch or dinner alone, and avoid going to familiar places by yourself at night. Darkness could give your abuser cover to sneak up on you.
Plan an escape route from home in case your husband breaks in, and teach this route to the children. Continue to keep a go-bag packed with the important items mentioned in “Prepare, Practice, Protect” (click here) in case you must leave in a hurry.
Be sure always to keep any court orders and emergency phone numbers with you.
PART THREE
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
“You must do the things you think you cannot do.”
―ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
CHAPTER SEVEN
PREPARING FOR BATTLE
STRATEGY OR TRAGEDY: IT IS ALL UP TO YOU
“Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”
―HARRIET BEECHER STOWE
Take charge of your defense, because as soon as you announce your intention to divorce him your abuser is going to attack you from all sides. Nobody else is going to defend you quite as well as you can. Remember to document dates, places, and times of verbal or physical abuse in a journal that you keep well-hidden if you’re still living with your abuser. Don’t forget to take pictures of any bruises, and make sure that these images are well hidden. Put a date on every printed photo. Download them from your smartphone and store them elsewhere in the cloud in case he checks your photo files on your phone. These photographs will be evidence in court.
If your husband gets violent, call the police and have them take the pictures of your bruises. Documentation will help you during the divorce, as you may have trouble reconstructing episodes from memory. High levels of stress negatively affect short-term memory. Keeping a journal that you can produce in court may help you win sole custody of your children, whom you need to protect.
You have no choice, but to hide these items, as your husband will have no problem destroying evidence. Do not assume that he doesn’t snoop when you are not there; the odds are very high that he does. You are probably dealing with a very suspicious and paranoid person. Your husband may have started snooping right after you got married.
My husband felt it was his right to go through calendars, journals, or anything else of mine that he pleased. I had assumed that he respected my privacy as I had respected his, so I was shocked when I found out that he hadn’t. He demanded that I throw out my calendars, which had important dates on them. I had thought that it was safe to leave them under a stack of papers in the bottom drawer of my desk, which was naive of me.
The most important thing that you can do when you are preparing for a divorce is to get informed, pay attention, and anticipate outcomes. My attorney may have been more intelligent than I was, and he certainly was more knowledgeable than I was about legal matters, but that was irrelevant when it came to my protection. I had to do that myself by thinking ahead about possible outcomes and how to avoid the negative ones. You will need to do the same.
You may have an attorney who cares about you, but who may miss things because of his or her workload, so you need to participate actively in the process of looking out for yourself. Your attorney will not be able to anticipate your husband’s likely moves and countermoves as well as you do because you know his character, patterns, and idiosyncrasies. Take responsibility for protecting your interests.
Do as much research as you can about your finances and then decide what you want to achieve in the divorce settlement. Make a list of belongings and assets you would like to receive in the settlement as well as an appropriate amount you will need to receive for alimony and child support if that is relevant. We will discuss these issues in more detail in the next few chapters.
Take care of your health and stay focused. Negotiating a divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. As best you can, avoid letting your husband inflict any new damage on you. Anticipate his likely actions. He still may surprise you, so you must keep paying attention. For motivation, keep the end in mind that you will be much better off when you have put this all behind you. Fantasize about a divorce party, even if you don’t plan to have one. I fantasized about a pretend funeral with a ceremony to bury my bad memories.
FINANCIAL COUNSEL
“Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel
as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind
that the counsel is wise.”
―JOAN RIVERS
If you and your husband have investment accounts, enlist a financial advisor to help you in determining which securities to ask for in the settlement. To make sure that the advice you get is in your best interest, do not use the same person your husband uses. Have your advisor prepare a financial plan for you to see what kind of shape you are in and when you might be able to retire. If there are annuities involved, you will need to have him/her explain the features and benefits, internal expenses, penalty period, and riders to determine whether you want to retain any of those assets after the divorce.
If you don’t understand all the terminology on your financial statements, which many people don’t, ask your advisor to explain things to you in simple language. If he or she is not clear or becomes impatient, it’s time to get a new advisor! Finance is not rocket science, but you need to fully understand all the investments to be able to decide what you want in the divorce. Ask a lot of questions. Do some research yourself online and don’t believe everything Suze Orman tells you. Life is more complicated than a byline, and so are investments. You need thoughtful advice.
Keep in mind that your attorney specializes in law, not investments, even if he offers an opinion. Your brother or neighbor is probably not an expert on investments, either. I recommend that you take charge of your own affairs and keep your financial information private. If you get unsolicited offers to help, say thank you and decline. It’s none of their business. You don’t want friends or family members asking you for a loan because they now think that you can afford to give them one.
While we are on this topic, don’t ever loan money to family or friends. It is very unlikely that they will ever repay you and it will probably poison your relationship. The only thing that you need to say is that you are unable to help them financially because you need to take care of your own family, and you will give them moral support. No other explanation or detail is necessary. In fact, the less you say here, the better. It is healthy to set boundaries and just say no.
You do not need to feel guilty for not being willing to jeopardize your well-being or your children’s. You have no obligation, even to other family members, that is more important.
BY DEFINITION
“Everybody has a heart. Except some people.”
―BETTE DAVIS
The saying goes that the best defense is a good offense. In your case, this is going to be particularly true. I do not mean face-to-face confrontation, which would be not only pointless but also risky. You are not ever going to win that battle, so do not even try it. What I mean is that it is best if you are well prepared and informed before you leave your husband, and before he even suspects you might leave him. This pretense may be difficult for you, but it is justifiable and necessary to protect your physical and mental well-being as well as your children’s while you are under the same roof as your abuser.
Many men become dangerous or threatening if they feel that they are losing control of their spouses or families. Finding out that you are leaving your husband may not result in a full-blown divorce psychosis, but if he is abusing you, you can be sure that you will be transformed immediately into his enemy.
It is said that divorce brings out the worst in people. I think that divorce just brings out what is already there. He is your adversary, your opponent, and your worst nightmare. Accept this and figure out what steps you need to take to protect yourself and the children. Try to read Chapters 8–10 before taking any action, unless you feel that you or your children are in imminent danger. As soon as you start to feel unsafe, you know that you must get out immediately.
