Breaking Bonds, page 12
Sometimes it is hard to avoid letting people you see every day know you are going through a divorce, but you are under no obligation to share any of the details. One exception with the “no sharing in the workplace rule” is if you are suffering from physical abuse. In this case, you will need to tell your boss and give him or her a copy of a legal restraining order, if you get one. It is not necessary for you to go into detail other than to say that you are in physical danger.
Your best friend, besides your dog, is a good therapist who does more than just listen. My therapist tells me what I need to do to take care of myself, recommends books for me to read, and tells me the truth. You need a truth teller on your side, someone who is unbiased and gives you feedback. If your therapist is passive and doesn’t give you good advice, get another one.
I would not recommend that you choose a priest or a pastor for your therapist. For one, Catholic priests have never been married. For another, most professional clergy do not have degrees or formal training in psychology or personal relationships, although there are some exceptions. Ultimately, you are going to have to make your own decisions, since you are the one who will live with the results. A professional point of view and advice will be very helpful to you in this regard.
You will need to work on self-esteem issues if you are married to an abusive man, as he no doubt has eroded your sense of self-worth over a long period. Therapy is helpful, but make a change either in your therapist or in the method you are using if you get stuck. Personally, I found group therapy unhelpful to me, as the participants in my support group stayed mired in the same drama of the past without making any visible progress from one week to the next. I felt as though I was a hamster on a wheel. Maybe group therapy helps others, but it didn’t help me to listen to other people’s problems. I needed to work on my own. It may help you, but if it doesn’t, try something else.
I found cognitive therapy to be extremely helpful. Reading positive books, whether to do with faith or spirituality, as well as saying affirmations and trying just to live centered in the present were tools I tried to practice every day. When I did, they were very effective.
If you can’t afford to pay for a therapist, free counselors are available. You can find a lot of free resources for divorce, abuse, and depression counseling online—just don’t search for them from your home computer if your husband is still living with you. It could escalate the violence against you if your husband discovers your search history. Fly under the radar. Use a computer at work, a computer that belongs to a trusted friend or relative, or a computer at the public library to do your research.
If your spouse is physically abusing you, the abuse could escalate at any time. You need to act fast to get out before it does. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, over two million people call a domestic violence hot line every year to get advice, escape a crisis at home, or to help someone they think may be a victim. There are trained professionals there ready to help you get to safety. Please see the Resources section at the back of this book for helpful websites and hotlines.
Whatever you do, do not confront your husband or escalate the argument. Walk away. Run away. Pack a bag or grab a premade go-bag and leave the house. When you are in danger and being threatened, it is not the time to prove that you are right in an argument by standing up to your husband or fighting back. Your safety and the safety of your children are the only things that matter. A little later, we will discuss an action plan to safely help you get out as soon as possible with your children.
Studies show that access to domestic shelter services leads to a 60–70 percent reduction in the incidence and severity of women being assaulted again during the three to twelve months follow-up period compared to women who did not have such access.1 In fact, using shelter services leads to a greater reduction in being assaulted again than does either court protection (a restraining order, for example) or law enforcement protection, or even moving to a different location.2
As many as 60 percent of abusers are alcoholics. If you married one, please see the Resources section for information. If anyone at an Al-Anon meeting advocates that you do an intervention with an alcoholic spouse to help him reform, however, do not take this advice. You are dealing with a dangerous man with seriously impaired judgment and should avoid confrontation at all costs. Your husband may behave perfectly fine in front of witnesses, but the odds are extremely high that he will use the first opportunity alone with you to punish you for humiliating him in this way.
Most alcoholics, even those in recovery, are oblivious to the pain that they inflict on others. If there are children involved, it is vitally important to protect them from your spouse. It is just as much your responsibility as that of your husband to keep your children safe and protected. If you can’t do that when he is around, then get out and get your children out now. I am for saving marriages and families, if possible, but we must protect our children first. It is our primary duty to protect those least able to protect themselves. You have a choice to make. Your children don’t. They have no power, no say, and no place to go. It is up to you to protect them.
If you think that you might have a problem with alcohol or drugs, then there is a very high chance that you do. Get help immediately and do not make any major decisions until you are clean and sober and are sure that you will remain that way.
An important thing to remember while you are in crisis is to trust your gut. Not all the advice that you receive, no matter how well meaning, is going to be helpful in your specific situation. That includes some of the advice in this book. You must start listening to messages from your inner wisdom. Pray for guidance. Believing in yourself and listening to your intuition, which is your God-given internal guidance system, will help you navigate the war zone you are in more effectively than anything else possibly could.
THE BEST LAID PLANS
“Plan your work for today and every day, then work your plan.”
―MARGARET THATCHER
Try to plan. But remember that life happens, sometimes taking you places you may not want to go. My plan was to marry a good man and raise a family with him, with plenty of happy memories and love. That is not what I got, but I clung to my dream for three decades, thinking that I would be able to change him if only I tried harder. Sometimes it is less harmful just to cut your losses. The truth hurts, but it is still the truth. The sooner that you accept that what is happening is happening, the sooner you can exchange it for a better reality.
Do you know the song made famous by Kenny Rogers, “The Gambler”?
You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
If your husband is abusive to you, it is time to run! And don’t ever look back.
I give a lot of advice on a variety of topics in this book, and you may not have the time or ability to take advantage of all the things offered here. The most important thing is your safety and the safety of your children. If that means you must leave with only the clothes on your back, then that’s what you have to do. The smartest thing to do if you are in a war zone is to get out of the range of fire. Be careful and ready to act at a moment’s notice. Plan your departure and do the things that you need to do when he is not around. You don’t want to raise his suspicions.
GIMME SHELTER
“In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.”
―RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Most abusers won’t leave and will try to intimidate you to stay. Leave anyhow. If you are fearful for your life, you need to get out of there now. Stay with family or friends, rent a new place, or stay temporarily in a battered women’s shelter.
It will be safer not to discuss your plans with anyone (including family or friends) who might tell your abuser where you are—even accidentally. An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner every year.3 Ninety-four percent of the more than 1,600 women who were murdered by men in 2013 knew their killer.4 Leaving an abusive relationship can put a woman in real danger. Her abuser may decide to stalk the woman and injure or kill her, so it is important to be vigilant after you escape your abuser and get to the shelter. The address of these shelters is not public information.
You can find a domestic abuse shelter through your local police, social workers, or the toll-free National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1(800) 799-7233, which is completely anonymous and confidential. The Salvation Army provides confidential emergency and transitional shelters where women and their children can stay, as well as assistance with steps toward independent living and recovery (see Resources).
If you are truly afraid for your life, do not go to your workplace, favorite hangouts, school, or visit friends or family, in case he decides to hunt you down. You must also change the school your children attend so that he cannot track them down and then take them and disappear. Or follow them back to the shelter.
Your local shelter can offer you emergency housing, legal advice for obtaining a restraining order against your abuser, counseling to help you deal with your suffering, and job training to help you become independent and self-supporting.
PREPARE, PRACTICE, PROTECT
“The formula for success is simple: Practice and concentration then more practice and concentration.”
―BABE DIDRIKSON ZAHARIAS
Although you can request the police to be present while you leave, it is more likely that you will need to leave in a hurry, so plan your escape now. Don’t wait.
Another abusive or violent episode may occur before you leave. If you become afraid for your safety, there are some things you can do to minimize the damage.
When your husband is present, you should:
Stay away from the kitchen, where there are sharp objects.
Try to get to a room with a door or window that you can use if you need to escape.
Avoid small spaces, such as closets or bathrooms, where he can corner you.
Keep guns, knives, and other sharp objects locked away or not easily accessible.
Avoid wearing any jewelry or clothing, such as necklaces and scarves, he can use to choke you.
Keep your cell phone with you as much as possible. Store 911 as well as the number for the local domestic shelter (look it up now), into your automatic dial contact list so that you can make a call in an emergency.
If your spouse attacks you, call the police immediately and make a note of the dispatcher’s name. Get the name and badge number of the officer who takes your report when the police arrive. In the meantime, if violence is unavoidable, curl up into a ball in a corner and protect your face by holding your arms up and interlacing your fingers in front of it.
Inform a neighbor of your situation and see if you can run to her the next time you need help. Or ask a trusted friend—someone your husband doesn’t know—if you can go to her house temporarily. The individuals you ask for help will need to be willing to help. You shouldn’t wait until the next incident happens to find out that you picked the wrong person. Some people won’t want to get involved.
It is a bad idea to use the home of a next-door neighbor, close family member, or mutual friend for emergency shelter, as your husband will be able to find you there.
If you are injured, get medical help, and make sure that your injuries are well documented. You can use photographs and medical reports as legal evidence in court during your divorce and in a custody battle. Have pictures taken of your bruises or any other injuries that were inflicted on you.
Whatever else you do, remember not to leave the children alone with your husband. Give your children instructions on how to get help the next time he becomes violent. If they are old enough, make sure to teach them a code word or signal from you indicating that they should get to safety at a preplanned location, then call 911 and give your address and phone number to the police. Practice how to get out of the house safely with them.
Tell your children never to interfere in any violence between you and your husband. Explain that they can help you by first staying safe themselves and then calling the police.
Be sure to remind your children that they are not to blame for the violence, and neither are you. Make sure they know that your husband could become violent if they tell him of your plans to leave.
A good idea is to always back your car into the driveway and keep the driver’s door unlocked just in case you need to escape in a hurry. Make sure your car always has gas in the tank and that you keep a spare ignition key hidden inside the car in case you don’t have time to grab your key chain before leaving—or in case your husband takes away your keys.
Pack a bag with the things that you will need if you have to get out quickly. It should contain cash, your driver’s license, your credit cards, your checkbooks, a list of your assets and debts, a set of clothes for you and the children, toys, court papers, your passport, birth certificates, marriage certificate, social security cards, medical records, medicines, insurance information, immunization records, welfare documents, immigration papers, and other legal documents. It is very important for you to have copies of court papers in your possession to prove to the police that your spouse is violating a court restraining order if you summon them. Put your go-bag in a very safe place or give it to a trusted friend or relative to hold for you.
A list of important phone numbers such as friends, relatives, doctors, and schools will also be needed. You should also collect information on resources now, including your local battered women’s shelter, before you need them. When you leave, if you have time to grab jewelry, pictures, and other items of value, do so, but leave them behind if staying longer jeopardizes your safety or that of your children. Remember, these are just things.
Begin to keep a journal of any verbal or physical abuse, recording dates, threats, and events. Make sure that you hide it well from your spouse.
If your husband is not abusing you in front of the children, I believe it is necessary for you to tell them the truth about what is happening before they hear a different version of events from him. It is likely that he will lie to hurt you and protect his image in their eyes. The truth will eventually come out, and your kids are going to eventually lose faith in the parent who has told them lies. Things will become difficult for you in the meantime if he turns the children against you. He is a master manipulator and could keep them under his spell for many precious years that you don’t want to lose with them.
Tell them what Daddy did and why it was wrong or why it makes you afraid in a sentence or two, instead of labeling him. A lot of detail is not necessary and should be avoided to minimize damage to their psyches.
Don’t tell them that “Daddy is a bad person,” tell them “Daddy has done bad and scary things, and I don’t feel safe living with him anymore.” Tell them that you also don’t feel safe leaving them alone with him anymore.
If you must file for a restraining order or an emergency protective order, you can obtain one from a local court without a lawyer. You will need to fill out paperwork, and the order, issued by the judge based on the information in the complaint, forbids the abuser from coming within a certain distance of the victim. It may also make other restrictions, such as forbidding him to place phone calls or send emails to you.
The laws vary from state to state, but typically an emergency order remains in effect until a hearing takes place—usually within ten days—at which time both sides are invited to present evidence. The judge then decides whether to grant a final order, which may last up to a year.
Even if you don’t think that your husband is physically violent, if he has been verbally or emotionally abusive I recommend that you obtain a protective order before informing him that you plan to divorce him. He is not stable if he is abusive and the realization that he is losing control over you could tip him over the edge. If you must call the police, they could potentially release the children to their father unless you have this type of court order in hand. It will protect you and the children from him until the judge schedules a hearing.
Enroll the people you interact with in your children’s school and your workplace in helping to keep your family safe. Give a copy of your restraining order to the principal of your children’s school and the daycare center, as well as your new phone number. Be sure that they know not to give your phone number to anyone who asks. Insist that all the necessary staff members are informed. Also, let the people who take care of your children know who is permitted to pick them up and show them a picture of your husband. Make sure that they know it is unsafe to release your children to him or to anyone else you haven’t authorized.
If your children’s caregivers ask for details, you only need to tell them that you are in danger, and so are the children. The rest of the story is none of their business. Set a boundary if they press you for more information. You want them on your side, so just say politely that it is too painful an issue for you to discuss and that you are worried for your children’s safety. Period. If you have moved, make sure that they know not to give your new address out to anyone.
Make sure that your employer, neighbors, and friends know that you have a restraining order. If they have never met your husband, show them a picture of him.
Most states have laws that call for an arrest if the police find probable cause that a restraining order has been violated, even for driving past the victim’s house. Unfortunately, there is widespread hesitation among police to enforce restraining orders so many are not upheld. In 2005, the Supreme Court ruled in Gonzalez vs. Little Rock that the police could not be held liable for violence that ensued due to the lack of enforcement of a restraining order.5
