Breaking Bonds, page 6
Do not allow phone use or eat in front of the TV during dinner. There is no communication or real connection while everyone is staring blankly at a screen. You may find out some very important information about what is going on in your children’s lives if you show them that you care by asking open-ended and nonjudgmental questions at the dinner table. They need to feel safe, valued, and loved during this difficult time of transformation—as do you.
MOVE IT
“Take care of your body. It’s the only place where you have
to live.”
―Jim Rohn
Exercise helps to reduce stress by releasing chemicals that increase our sense of well-being. Aim to exercise three or four days a week for at least half an hour. This regimen will help you to be alert and give you the stamina you need while you are in this stressful situation of getting a divorce. It will also improve your memory and mood. Also, taking the time to exercise is an act of self-care that will improve your self-esteem.
Go for walks in nature and pay attention to the sights, smells, and sounds around you. Breathe the fresh air. Notice the birds, squirrels, and other animals that cross your path. You need some time alone to process your thoughts, ground yourself, and reconnect with your spirit. The natural environment is the perfect place to unwind and think.
My mother did not take care of herself, and neither did I for most of my marriage. I didn’t know how to, partly because I didn’t have a good role model. Neither did she, so I am not blaming her. Once I became an adult, it became my responsibility to learn how to do this. It is your responsibility to love and take care of yourself. This approach is often a lot harder than it sounds. Especially if you have an abusive and controlling husband, who demands that you put yourself last. Now that you are divorcing, choose not to do that. If you must get up an hour earlier in the morning to create time for your workout, get up. It may surprise you that you feel much better, stronger, clearer, and more energized when you do.
Exercise will help you reconnect with your body. When I have been unable to stop a negative eating pattern, focusing on exercise has helped to get me back on track with better habits, such as eating more healthy foods and drinking more water. It has a ripple effect on all my other behaviors. Please do keep in mind that maintaining a healthy body weight is 30 percent exercise and 70 percent eating habits. Make both a priority. Make you a priority.
Yoga is another wonderful form of exercise for reducing stress and bringing you into present-moment awareness. On a regular basis, you need to be able to set aside your problems temporarily so that you have time to heal and recover. You will focus more on your breathing and how conscious control of your breath helps you to regain your balance and some modicum of peace when you are doing yoga. You also will become more flexible and stronger. There are several side benefits to yoga as well. For example, you may start paying more attention to how the food you eat affects your body and become a more mindful eater. It may give you a real boost of confidence as well as a heightened self-awareness and a more positive attitude.
Qigong, a practice of aligning breath, movement, and awareness with origins in China, can also help you to reduce stress and get back in touch with your body as well.
You could take Zumba or a dance class to get moving. The music will lift your mood so that you forget about yourself and your troubles for an hour. It will also help you to firm up, which is great for your self-esteem. I try to go to Zumba classes three times a week. I look utterly ridiculous jiggling to rap and pop Latino music, but that is the music the much younger instructors prefer to play. It is good for my health and keeps me humble.
THE M AND MS: MASSAGE AND MEDICATION
“Nothing is so healing as the human touch.”
―BOBBY FISCHER
Massage therapy will help you to relax and reconnect with your body. The caring touch of another person in a safe space is healing. Research suggests that massage reduces high blood pressure and may boost immunity, as several studies have found there are dramatic decreases in the stress hormone cortisol after massage sessions. Massage may help you to avoid getting a cold or other illness while you are under stress. It creates chemical changes that reduce pain and stress throughout the body by reducing the brain chemical substance P that is related to pain. People with fibromyalgia, a form of muscle pain, showed less substance P in their saliva and reported a reduction of pain in a TRI study after a month of twice-weekly massages.
Try to get weekly massages, but even every other week would do you a lot of good. Just being touched and treated with care regularly by someone who is safe is therapeutic.
Many massage therapists are spiritual, which is one reason why they feel called to the profession. I have been going to the same massage therapist for many years; she is a real healer with an intuitive sense of touch. I do not have to tell her where my body hurts or is sore. She senses it. Deep tissue massage can help to release the emotional pain that is unprocessed and held in the body. Through therapeutic massage I have been able to let go of a lot of very old emotional pain from childhood, some I didn’t know I was still carrying around. These stuck emotions probably would have turned into a disease if I didn’t get them out of my body.
If you try one massage therapist and that person is not a good fit for you, try someone else. There are also therapeutic massage devices that you can buy to help you relax so that you can get a decent night’s rest.
Be sure to drink plenty of water after getting a massage, as a massage usually causes a lot of toxins to release, and you need to flush them out of your body. Try taking a relaxing bath afterward with Epsom salts as well to draw out toxins and reduce inflammation.
If you can’t sleep or if you become depressed, see a psychologist or therapist for counseling. See a psychiatrist if you believe you need a prescription. You are going through a lot of emotions and are under a lot of stress. If you haven’t had a physical in a long time, please schedule a complete checkup with your medical doctor. Make sure that you ask about the side effects of any medication prescribed to you before you agree to take it, and consistently follow the instructions your doctor gives you for taking the medication.
In most cases with an antidepressant or sleep medication, you will need to avoid drinking alcohol completely. It is a good idea for you to avoid or at least limit alcohol right now anyhow, as it is a depressant. Where possible, try some of the natural ways to reduce stress that I outline in this book instead of taking a drink.
You do not need to compound your problems by becoming an alcoholic. You need to be fully present for yourself and your children. If you are already an alcoholic or believe you are heading down that path, go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting as soon as possible.
If you suffer any side effects from a prescription medication, stop taking it and call your doctor immediately to discuss it. If your doctor is unresponsive to your concerns, go to a different doctor right away. Always listen to your body and respect its messages to you.
If you are perimenopausal or menopausal, your hormones may be wreaking havoc with your emotions and affecting your ability to get uninterrupted sleep. Christiane Northrup’s book The Wisdom of Menopause explains how to deal with the changes in your body and how they are a wake-up call for the next phase of your life. I started going to a female doctor who specializes in bioidentical hormones when my male gynecologist told me that I would just have to live with the hot flashes and night sweats. I seriously doubted that he would put up with waking up soaking wet every night, so I found his remark patronizing and dismissive. I found immediate relief under my new physician’s care. She also solved my inability to fall asleep at night. Making small changes that she suggested, such as taking magnesium and melatonin right before bedtime, solved my problem naturally.
Check with your doctor to make sure that anything you take is appropriate. Your doctor should review the current list of medications and supplements you take to advise you properly.
JUST BREATHE
“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”
―AMIT RAY
The hardest thing to do if you are depressed or stressed about your marriage and your life is, well, anything. You may become so depressed and lethargic that you forget to eat or oversleep. You may have barely enough energy to get through the day. That’s when you need to breathe. The best thing that you can do for yourself during this time is to breathe deeply and often.
The miracles of life and healing both start with the breath. Your breath will help you to be more alert and to think more clearly and calmly during moments of stress if you will remember to stop and breathe first before you respond, instead of reacting impulsively. I have noticed that at times of stress and anxiety I sometimes stop breathing altogether. Also, that breathing calms me down—when I remember to do it.
Learning how to breathe properly takes practice and mindfulness. It will calm you and keep you grounded if you will take the time to slowly breathe deeply into your gut several times a day, noticing where in your body you are tense, and deliberately relaxing those areas. It will also bring your awareness back to the present moment, which is where you must stay focused if you are going to get through your divorce successfully. Mindful breathing can also help you to control your negative emotions and reduce insomnia.
Remember that you still need to feel your feelings, including anger. Deep breathing will allow you to remain in control when you’re angry and decide what your exact responses are going to be. Being able to stay in control of yourself is to be able to respond rationally and strategically instead of abruptly and reactively, which may not be in your best interest.
Breathe deeply into your lower abdomen, not shallowly into your upper chest. Count to four, breathing slowly in through your nose and down into your lower abdomen. Hold for a count of two, and then breathe out slowly through your mouth for a count of four. Do this from five to ten times, until you are relaxed. Repeat often throughout the day, every day, as needed.
If you are agitated or anxious, another breathing technique you could try is to close off your right nostril with your right thumb while you put your right middle or index finger on your forehead to stabilize your hand. Breathe in solely through your left nostril to a count of four, hold for a count of two, and then release your right thumb and close off your left nostril with your right ring finger and little finger, and breathe out through your right nostril to a count of four. Repeat this process for up to ten minutes. If you are left-handed, it’s OK to use your left hand to open and close your nostrils. Use the hand that makes you feel more comfortable.
If you are groggy, have low energy, or feel more depressed during the daytime, use the opposite pattern of nostril breathing. Close off your left nostril and breathe in through your right. Exhale through your left nostril. Keep the same counts of four in, two held, and four out.
If you want balance, concentration, and mental clarity, try alternate nostril breathing, where you breathe in and out the same nostril and then switch sides. Keep the same counts of four in, two held, and four out.
Caution: If you begin to feel lightheaded, stop immediately and go back to your normal breathing pattern. If you have recently had surgery, ask your doctor if deep breathing is OK to do.
Breathing is one of the most important things you can do for yourself while you are going through your divorce because your breath is the source of your life force. It is good for your soul. In Genesis 2:7, it is written: “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul.” Rabbi Rami Shapiro told a small group in a meeting that I attended that when you die God kisses you on the mouth and takes your breath back. So, breathe in and be mindful. Every breath is a gift.
WATER WELLNESS
“The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.”
―Isak Dinesen
Be sure to drink eight to ten glasses of water a day, each day. Most of us do not drink enough water. Beside the air that we breathe, water is the most important thing we put into our bodies. It helps to regulate our physical functions and carries vital elements such as oxygen, hormones, and chemical messengers to all the parts of the body. It is necessary for the breakdown and absorption of nutrients as well as to remove toxins from the body. Symptoms of dehydration are frequently misdiagnosed. These include a lack of energy and physical pain, especially in the joints. Water deficiency plays a role in many health disorders, including Alzheimer’s disease and inflammation, according to Dian Buchman, author of The Complete Book of Water Healing.4
On average, the adult human body is about 57 percent water. Yours was as high as about 75 percent water when you were born, decreasing in water content with age. It can be as low as 45 percent in an obese person. Thirst is frequently mistaken for hunger.
A good plan is to pace your water consumption so that you drink it at intervals throughout the day. Aim to drink a glass of water before breakfast, another before going to work, one at mid-morning, another at lunch, another at midday, one in the afternoon before leaving work, another at dinner, and the last in the evening about an hour before bedtime. Note that if you drink too close to bedtime, you may need to make an extra trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
It may take a while for you to be able to build up to eight glasses daily, so increase your water consumption gradually. Remember, coffee, tea, and soda do not offer the same benefits as pure water.
One unanticipated side benefit of starting to drink so much water was that I had to get up out of my chair at work to go to the restroom more often. I sometimes would sit for hours, forgetting to get up and stretch and becoming stiff and sore because I was not paying attention to my body. I was so absorbed in work that I was living only in my head. Drinking water got me out of my head and back into reconnecting with my body.
Take long baths if you can. Baths have been used for centuries to relax, heal, and detoxify the body. Epsom salt baths are helpful after exercise or a massage to reduce swelling and remove toxins. Baking soda can be used to relieve itching and for rashes. Turmeric soothes arthritic joints, beer helps with psoriasis and other skin conditions, and seaweed has been used for centuries to reduce the appearance of cellulite. I frequently meditate and pray while I soak, or just reflect on the day. Listening to relaxing music while in the tub will help soothe your frayed nerves as well as improve your mood.
THE NOSE KNOWS
“Nothing can beat the smell of dew and flowers and the odor that comes out when the sun goes down.”
―ETHEL WATERS
Natural scents can be calming and healing. Aromatherapy uses essential oils extracted from the flowers, bark, stems, leaves, or roots of plants as a form of alternative medicine to enhance well-being. It is important to use pure essential oils, as synthetic oils offer little positive effect. The inhaled aroma from these essential oils sends messages to the brain that enhance mental and emotional well-being. Some also have therapeutic physical benefits when applied topically in a carrier oil, such as coconut oil, jojoba oil, almond oil, or grapeseed oil.
Different oils may reduce muscle tension, improve mood, and promote relaxation and calmness. Lavender, ylang ylang, chamomile, and clary sage oils, for example, are used to soothe anxiety and stress. They affect your mood because the olfactory bulb, which analyzes smells and is part of the limbic system, is connected with the regions of your brain that handle both memory and emotion. Note that odors can trigger vivid memories, so it is important to seek out scents that calm and soothe you.
You can find many essential oil diffusers online, electrical devices that spread the aroma of essential oils throughout a room, usually in a fine water mist. You can also use the oils with a humidifier by sprinkling a few drops of the oil on a tissue and holding it in front of the escaping steam. Do not put the oil directly into the humidifier, as it will just float on top of the water instead of being dispersed in the air with the water vapor.
Caution: If you are or suspect that you may be pregnant, or you are breastfeeding, seek professional guidance before using essential oils. If you are concerned about skin sensitivity, do a small test with a tiny drop of oil on your skin. A good rule of thumb is to start with a little before you use a lot. Always follow the directions provided by the manufacturer.
Exposure to the scents of trees, flowers, and the soil whenever you’re outdoors is also therapeutic. While going for walks and working in the garden, be sure to breathe the wonderful smells of nature, which will calm and heal you. Exposure to natural scents will help you appreciate being alive. There is something reassuring in knowing that miracles of nature are happening all around you and you are part of a bigger plan. The roses are just as beautiful and the sunset just as magnificent even if you have troubles.
Take off your shoes and feel the earth beneath your feet. It will keep you grounded.
Spend a few dollars every other week on flowers. The benefits to your mood and emotional well-being of having beauty and pleasant scents in the home are immense. Consider their purchase money well spent, even if you are on a tight budget.
DREAM WEAVER
“Little girls who dream become women with vision.”
―AUTHOR UNKNOWN
If you are to get through this highly stressful period of your life successfully, it is important for you to get quality sleep on a consistent basis. A lack of sleep can contribute to obesity, impaired immune function, diabetes, and depression.5 It can also decrease your ability to be optimistic and sociable, negatively affecting emotional intelligence and the ability to think constructively.6 At night, not only do our bodies eliminate toxins and other metabolic wastes that have built up during our waking hours, but our brains also process and consolidate new information and memories, make creative connections, solve problems, and remember how to perform tasks.7 Sleep is the critical way that our minds save our memories and cement everything we have learned in our long-term memory banks so that it can be remembered and utilized.
