Breaking Bonds, page 8
In Question Your Thinking, Change the World, Byron Katie offers us a series of four questions to ask ourselves and think deeply about if we have a stressful or negative thought.4
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
I have found that Question 4, “Who would you be?” can be particularly liberating. I wish I had known years ago that I don’t have to believe everything I think and that I can choose to disagree with an unproductive thought and disregard it. It is my responsibility to weed it out.
For most of my life, I believed that I was powerless and a victim, and unworthy of taking care of my own needs, love, or happiness. I was wrong. Now I know that I can change my thoughts and my actions. And that is enough. When I need help, I pray for the Holy Spirit to help me eliminate or outright remove my negative, judgmental, and limiting thought patterns.
You become what you believe, and the thoughts and words that you tell yourself (which you base on what other people told you) will become your destiny unless you decide to change them. You get to choose what you think, and the most important opinion about you in the world is your own. What other people think of you is their business, not yours.
Focus on what you think is right for your life and your children. Don’t allow yourself to marinate in negative thought patterns that limit your potential and give you nothing in return but unhappiness and missed opportunities for joy and success.
All of us live in our minds and are responsible for our thoughts. Weed your garden every day so that it stays beautiful.
TURN OFF
“All television is educational television.
The question is: What is it teaching?”
―NICHOLAS JOHNSON
Watching too much television may be one of the ways you avoid dealing with your problems. It helps to numb pain, plus watching it may mean you are less likely to have to engage in conversation with your husband, who is not safe. But be careful. The side effects of television can be very harmful. If you do not discriminate and limit what you watch, you could pollute your mind with negative images and messages, and interfere with your ability to think clearly. You need all your critical thinking faculties working well right now to get through your divorce.
Read this list of some of the side effects of television.
A lot of the violence on television, behavior that is often portrayed to be enjoyable and acceptable, can make viewers less sensitive and increase aggression, contributing to anti-social behavior. Sports events can also get viewers riled up.
Watching violence or stressful situations on television can trigger stress responses in viewers’ bodies. That is why your heart beats faster, or you find yourself sitting on the edge of your seat when you are watching an action movie or violent film. Your subconscious mind experiences the violence on television as real.
Television gives viewers an inaccurate view of reality. Brain activity switches during television watching from the left side of the brain, which is responsible for logical and critical thought, to the right side of the brain, which reacts emotionally and is highly suggestible. For advertisers, this is the perfect state in which to seduce you into desiring and purchasing unnecessary items that they will try to convince you are necessary to feel good about yourself.
Sensitive issues, such as sex and substance abuse, are often handled in an inflammatory way or give the wrong message. Programs often glorify sex and portray women as sex objects. Increased promiscuity can be a result. Some shows normalize excessive drinking and drug use.
Many people become obese from mindlessly consuming large amounts of unhealthy snacks and soft drinks while watching television. A sedentary lifestyle from excessive television watching contributes to obesity as well.
Family members are less likely to communicate and spend quality time with each other if they glue their eyes to the TV set. They are also less likely to read books, resulting in reduced literacy and critical thinking.
Some news programs report excessively on violence and death around the world. They replay the same scenes of horror over and over, which can contribute to viewers’ sense of hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and despair.
According to many research studies, television hampers the development and function of areas of the brain that are in control of moral judgment and attention.5 Excessive viewing leads to problems with concentration and distractibility—even ADHD as frequent scene changes desensitize the ability to concentrate attention for any length of time. Parts of the brain responsible for logical thought tune out during television viewing. Brain waves in the low alpha range, a hypnotic brain state associated with suggestibility, are induced within just a few minutes of watching television. Brain activity is so low because the brain is passively engaged. This is unlike the alpha state in meditation, which beneficially promotes relaxation and insight. Unfocused daydreaming and the inability to concentrate can result from watching too much television.
You are responsible for protecting your mind and the minds of your children by limiting what you allow in television viewing content and exposure. Try to limit television viewing to one hour on weekdays and up to two hours each day on the weekend nights, which is the equivalent of one movie each weekend night. Monitor the content and screen out violent programs or shows that contain sexual content. Try instead to watch uplifting family shows, like Nature, Masterpiece Theatre, family comedies, or programs on the Discovery Channel.
It is also important for you and your children to avoid watching television or computer activity at least ninety minutes before bedtime so that you can easily fall asleep. Children under the age of six should not watch television at all as their developing brains are too malleable. Research has linked excessive television viewing to a higher incidence of dementia later in life, so it is important to instill good habits in your children early in life.
Reading for at least an hour a day, exercising, and meditation can counteract some of the side effects of television viewing. Learning a language or how to play a musical instrument also engage the brain and can also help to reverse these negative effects. When you do watch television after the children are in bed, choose a family oriented sitcom or a funny movie. Smiling and laughter could help you feel better by releasing good chemicals such as serotonin and other endorphins in your body. The distraction may lift your spirits.
PICK YOUR POISON
“If you don’t heal the wounds of your childhood,
you bleed into the future.”
―OPRAH WINFREY
People sometimes medicate themselves with gambling, sex, drugs, alcohol, or food to numb the unmanageable pain of trauma.
Substance abuse with alcohol and drugs is a disease that is chronic, progressive, and potentially fatal, and can lead to other diseases, according to Tian Dayton in Trauma and Addiction.6 The National Institute on Drug Abuse found that the largest risk factors for addiction are an untreated childhood mental disorder, including PTSD, hanging around other people who use drugs, sensation seeking, and self-medication.7 Substance abuse creates additional wounds and trauma for family members, which can easily result in another generation of addicts.
You must do everything that you possibly can to break this cycle. If you have an alcohol or drug addiction, you have an obligation to your children and yourself to get counseling, check yourself into an inpatient program, and join a support group such as a twelve-step program to keep you sober. You cannot do this on your own. Admit you need help and get it immediately. You must get well first before you attempt to take care of children on your own.
People are much more dangerous to themselves and others while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. They are out of control, and any tendency toward violence and abuse becomes more pronounced. If you are married to an alcoholic or a drug addict, immediately leave with the children for your safety. My father’s alcoholic rages were terrifying, as the lessening of inhibitions from his drinking made him prone to inappropriate behavior, cruelty, and violence. An abusive man who is also an addict is extremely dangerous.
According to an article on the website Recovery Connection.com, changes in the brain chemistry of certain neurotransmitters related to substance use create the cravings, the increasing tolerance (which leads to even more powerful cravings), and the withdrawal symptoms associated with the cycle of addiction. The process of thought and decision-making is severely compromised by these chemicals, leading to denial, minimization of the problem, and justification by the addict.8
If you are a drug addict or an alcoholic, substance abuse treatment, self-help groups, and counseling will help you to avoid relapses. Willpower alone is usually unsuccessful. You will still have a very good chance of getting custody if you can show thorough documentation of your husband’s abuse and your efforts to stay clean.
Food is often used in an addictive manner. I consoled myself with food when I was bored, lonely, sad, angry, or anxious. Because I became an emotional eater, I put on a lot of weight during my marriage. I know now that I also subconsciously used my weight as a shield to make myself sexually unattractive to my husband, as I no longer wanted him to touch me. The problem with this approach was that I was abusing my own body. I ended up with acid reflux, high blood pressure, and plantar fasciitis in my feet. Emotional eating took a toll on my health and possibly years off my life expectancy.
When your abuse has reached the point where it is no longer bearable, you may become numb and disconnected from your body. It may be necessary for you to wait until after your divorce to deal in earnest with a weight problem if you have one. Please show yourself some compassion if you cannot deal with it right now. That said, it may be very helpful to do something about it now. It may give you comfort to have control over something in your life when everything else feels out of control. Becoming more conscious of healthy eating may improve your self-esteem, which in turn may help you to cope more effectively with the divorce.
I am not advocating crash dieting, but developing healthy eating habits and treating your body with love. Restricting your calories to an unreasonable amount will not help you to be at your best when you need to be strong, alert, and decisive. If you eat too much or eat the wrong things, the important thing is to forgive yourself for not being perfect and simply do your best to get right back on course in taking care of your body. “The challenge is not to be perfect, it’s to be whole,” as Jane Fonda says.9 And healthy. One thing that has helped me is to be more aware of what I eat every day and track it on the free app My Fitness Pal. There are plenty of other apps and websites that can help you with nutrition and healthy recipes.
If you do want to take control of emotional overeating, portion control is as important as what you eat, so buy an inexpensive scale and use it. It helps to use measuring cups to see how many calories you consume. Eating on small plates increases satisfaction. Have greens take up half the plate, and low-glycemic carbs and lean protein a quarter of the plate each.
Please avoid fad diets that are not well-balanced meals. Your body is stressed out enough as it is. If you want to join a weight loss program, stay with nutritious and safe programs, such as Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. You may also want to check out local meetings of Overeaters Anonymous to deal with compulsive overeating. If you suffer from bulimia, please seek immediate medical attention.
Avoid taking diet pills, as most of them haven’t been proven effective, many have unwanted side effects, and some may be downright dangerous. They aren’t subject to the same rigorous standards as prescription drugs. Just because they are sold over the counter doesn’t mean that they work or that they won’t be harmful to you. Some of them have hidden ingredients or contaminants, so there is an unwarranted risk in taking them. Many of them can result in high blood pressure, increased heart rate, irregular heartbeat, heart attack, stroke, or death. If you think you must take diet pills, ask your doctor for a prescription. Prescription diet pills are likely to be safer and more effective than over-the-counter diet aids.
Pay attention to your body’s signals. Sometimes your body is just trying to tell you that you are thirsty, and you are confusing thirst with hunger. It is always good to drink a glass of water first to see if that is what is motivating you to suddenly steer towards the refrigerator. Ask your body what it wants or needs, and ask yourself what you are feeling now. And ask these questions to yourself out loud.
Am I bored?
Am I upset?
Am I lonely?
Breathe deeply in and out and wait for the answer. It will come. Sometimes you will be shocked to hear you tell yourself that what you need is comfort, companionship, or something constructive to do. Breathing deeply and focusing on your breath will help you to reconnect with your body and your life. Go for a walk.
Try to stay in your body while you are eating. Many of us check out mentally while we are mindlessly stuffing comfort foods into our mouths. For example, we are unaware of what or how much we are consuming, or how quickly, while watching television. So, it is not as if we are enjoying our food. Compulsive eating is just a crutch, an escape mechanism, which is adding another problem to the many problems you already have.
A really good book to read on the emotionally charged issue of eating as compensation for feeling bad is Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth, which provides many helpful insights into why we overeat and what we can do about it. Her eating guidelines are:10
Eat when you are hungry.
Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include eating in the car.
Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, tele-vision, newspapers books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations, or music.
Eat what your body wants.
Eat until you are satisfied.
Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
Eat with gusto and pleasure.
These guidelines are very helpful, but you still need to eat a balanced diet and not consume too many calories. You must burn the calories that you take in or you will gain weight. The only way to know whether you are eating too much is to track your calorie count every day.
Remember, the comfort in high-fat comfort food doesn’t last, but the fat does.
BREAKING BAD
“A change in bad habits leads to a change in life.”
―JENNY CRAIG
The odds are high that you have developed some very negative habits along the way to deal with the stress and shame of the abuse in your home. Some women drown their sorrows in food or alcohol, others numb themselves in front of the television or complain endlessly to friends without making any effort to change their situation. Willpower alone is not going to work to change these habits. Create a plan to achieve a realistic goal and focus on the progress that you make. It takes time, but you can do it if you want to do it.
Do not wait until the divorce is over to take control of your habits and your life. Learn how to change habits effectively so that you do not get overwhelmed. Life does not stop just because you are going through a divorce. Seeing success in self-control in small things will help to restore your confidence so that you can take back your power in the big ones.
You can do it! Here are some tips:
Take on one good habit or tackle one bad habit at a time. Focus on only establishing or changing that one habit; and be consistent. It normally takes an average of sixty-six days to perform a task automatically, according to a 2009 study in European Journal of Social Psychology.11 Many sources say that it takes thirty days to change a habit, but a habit has not changed until it becomes automatic. Don’t start trying to change another bad habit until you know for sure that you have permanently changed the first one.
Be realistic about what you can do and focus on your progress. Do not set yourself up for failure. Unrealistic expectations will only make you feel worse. Start with a small goal that you are certain to meet, and then increase it once you think you can do more. The top cause of procrastination is self-criticism so do not expect yourself to be perfect. Instead, set realistic goals.
Plan for how to reach your goal. Write your goal down and refer to it often. Plan to include your new good habit in your busy schedule. Block out time on your calendar for the days each week that you want to perform your new habit until it becomes second nature to you. Set electronic phone alerts for it. If you want to add meditation to your daily routine, for example, practice it at the same time every day when you are least likely to be disturbed. Create a schedule for exercising and make sure that you have a change of clothes packed in the morning before you leave for work if you are going to the gym straight from work. Plan and prepare for success.
Figure out what your triggers or obstacles are and replace them with other activities. If you get a strong urge to eat fattening foods, eat some grapes or a handful of almonds instead, or breathe deeply, have a drink of water, call a friend, pray, or go for a walk. Don’t buy food you want to avoid in the first place. It doesn’t belong in your house.
Get a support system if you need one. Call a friend. There also are support systems online that you can lean on, such as Weight Watchers.
Stay positive. If you mess up, you are only human, so just try and try again. Be kind to yourself and don’t give up. Learn to forgive yourself immediately. Treat yourself with compassion. You have been through a lot, and you deserve it.
Keep your goals secret from your husband. If you are still living with your husband, he may try to sabotage you if you let him know what you are doing. Avoid sharing your plans to change any habit. Just do it. If he offers you dessert when you are trying to lose weight, say that you are not hungry and thank him for the offer. If you resist and express anger or disappointment that he is tempting or sabotaging you, his behavior will continue and may even escalate. It will be more peaceful if you avoid unnecessary arguments.
