Breaking Bonds, page 7
You must get enough sleep to be able to think critically and have the energy during the day that you need to function. If you don’t get enough sleep during the divorce, you will be much more likely to make unnecessary mistakes.
The best way to protect your sleep is to maintain a regular sleep schedule, exercise regularly, limit caffeine and alcohol intake, eliminate noise and light, and turn off the television, cell phone, and other electronic devices for at least an hour before bedtime. Try not to eat for three hours before bedtime, even if it means rescheduling dinner for an earlier time. Avoid engaging in conversations with your husband that might be likely to escalate into arguments as these will affect your peace of mind.
Take a bath right before bedtime, read, pray, or meditate. Wind down. Try using a white noise machine to sleep if you can’t eliminate noise completely from your environment.
Make sure that the temperature in the room is comfortable and that the room is dark.
I found that I slept better if I laid out my children’s clothing, as well as mine, for the next day before going to bed. I also made their lunches the night before so that I wouldn’t have to worry about those in the morning. Do as much as you can at night so that you can lay your head on the pillow with fewer worries. May you sleep with the angels.
CHAPTER FOUR
MIND
“Forever is composed of nows.”
―EMILY DICKINSON
Your presence is a gift. So long as you are breathing, you have a unique purpose and contribution to make to your children, your family, and the world. Your husband has tried to convince you that you are worthless to maintain control over you and feel better about himself. What he is doing is wrong and damaging to you both. Remember that your children need you and that you deserve love and respect, as we all do.
Stop believing the nasty things your husband says. He is very likely suffering from mental illness, or he wouldn’t have treated you so poorly. Would you believe everything that any other mentally ill person told you? The fact that he is ill does not excuse or condone what he has done. But it does mean that you must remove yourself and your children from the toxic and potentially dangerous situation of sharing a home with him. Brainwashing is a powerful tool that most abusers use to keep their victims powerless.
If you have already separated from your husband or you are in the middle of divorce proceedings, do not let down your guard. Stay focused on what is going on right now so that you can make good decisions about what to do next. If the focus of your attention is on the past and what he’s done to you, then you are spending your time unproductively. Refocus your attention on your children and what you need to do right now to get out of a bad situation.
Limit your grieving to from twenty minutes to a half hour while you are in the bath at night after your children are in bed. I used to call this time my “pity party” time. It was something I looked forward to for release after a stressful day so that I would not mentally and emotionally check out while I was with my children. Yes, you have regret and sadness, and you will need to do a lot of grieving over the marriage that you should have had, the husband that you should have had, and not what you did have. But the best time for mourning and regrets is after you get out of the situation and through the divorce.
Right now, you need to concentrate on more important things during most your day: your children, your job, your self-care, and preparing for the divorce. Do not berate yourself for what you did or said, or for what you failed to do or say, as self-criticism is unproductive and won’t change anything anyway. It will only keep you stuck in the past. If you resist what has happened to you in the past, then you are resisting what is going on right now in your life. And whatever you resist persists, to paraphrase psychologist Carl Jung.
Acceptance is the key to the possibility of change. Accept that nobody is perfect. Accept that you have always done the best that you could under very difficult circumstances. Accept that you are in an unhealthy situation. Acceptance is the door that opens to the path of change.
Concentrate on what you are doing right now. Accepting your current reality can give you the power to change it. The present moment is the only moment in which we can act or make a difference. Take life one moment at a time so that you do not get emotionally overwhelmed or feel discouraged.
Stay fully present for your children as well as for you. Their childhoods will disappear before your eyes while you are wallowing in self-pity and regret over the past. Enjoy your time with them. The most important gifts you can give your children are your time, your attention, and your love. These have infinitely more value than high-tech games, fancy clothes, or expensive vacations. If your husband can give your children those things after the divorce and you cannot afford them yet, don’t worry. What they need from you is your presence and undivided attention. They need you to create and maintain the loving relationship with them that they and you deserve.
If you worry about the future, you may become paralyzed with fear. Worry can keep you from making progress in doing the things that you need to do right now. If you do what you need to do in each moment as the moment presents itself, the future will take care of itself. Plan for the future, but keep focusing your attention on what you are doing today.
Do you feel afraid? If so, what do you fear? If your fear is for your safety or the safety of your children, then your body and mind are telling you to take immediate action. If you feel fearful about the future, bring your attention back to the present. Instead of worrying, pray for guidance, right thinking, and a good outcome for you and your children, then plan carefully and act. Working on a plan and having a good plan in place will reduce your anxiety.
Focusing on the present moment and what you need to do right now will give you the clarity you need to make better decisions regarding your divorce and the future life you want for your family.
EGO AND SELF: PRIDE AND JOY
“I believe that each of us comes from the Creator
trailing wisps of glory.”
―MAYA ANGELOU
In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle encourages us to learn from a past mistake, but says that it is a mistake to “dwell on it mentally so that self-criticism, remorse, or guilt come up.”1 That unproductive dwelling on the past makes it part of your sense of self which always will be linked to a false sense of identity. You are not your past or what has happened to you, so don’t let the past define who you are. You are not a failure or a screw-up, or incompetent or stupid.
You are a spiritual being living in a human form, with human limitations. If you expect yourself to be perfect, you are holding yourself to a higher standard than the rest of humanity. The fact that your husband expected perfection from you, as most abusive men do of their wives, was unrealistic, cruel, and unloving. He certainly was not perfect himself, far from it. He did not expect perfection of himself, only from you. You must learn to let that go and forgive yourself if you are ever going to be happy.
Your ego is an inner force that motivates your actions, your responses to experiences, and your reactions to others, sometimes without your conscious awareness. It is closely tied to your concept of self, your awareness of being unique and separate from other people. After I had begun therapy, my therapist told me that my self-identity had disappeared. Any sense of who I was didn’t exist anymore because the identity of my toxic spouse had consumed it. My ex-husband viewed me as an extension of himself. I only existed to serve his needs and wants, to cater to his moods, and make him happy. He felt that it was my duty to serve him and the children and believed that any needs or preferences of mine weren’t important. When I did assert myself on occasion, he treated me with contempt and condescension, including name-calling in front of the children. There is no wonder why I felt so depressed!
Our culture still celebrates the idea of wives and mothers as entirely self-sacrificing individuals who “get” to live through their husbands and children. In this paradigm, a woman’s identity disappears, and she suppresses her needs and desires. If she has hobbies or a life outside the home, she may be considered selfish rather than admirable for practicing excellent self-care.
Men give themselves permission all the time to work late out of ambition, to play tennis or golf, and have drinks after work with their friends. Nobody judges them or even thinks twice about this behavior, including their wives. More women than ever work outside the home in addition to raising their children and running their households without receiving much help from their spouses. There is an implicit understanding that women have the main responsibility for children and home. If a husband “helps,” he receives praise for his “generosity.”
Of course, a double standard is not acceptable. Men and women should be equal partners, while most men prefer to keep things the way that they are. Why wouldn’t they? If we want this to change, it is up to us. Women will have to insist on equality in the home as well as in the boardroom if we are going to get it.
Why did I put up with name-calling and being berated by my husband for so long? Why do you? I know that neglect and abuse in my childhood caused me to have low self-esteem, so I did not initially have the strength or the will to stand up to my husband and walk out early on. I was also deeply ashamed to have such an unhappy and unloving marriage. I thought that it must be me, that it proved something was wrong with me. Because I made the mistake of confiding in my ex-husband that both of my parents were alcoholics and that my father had abused me, he told me that I was defective, calling me “damaged goods” within earshot of our two children. He used that intimate confidence against me repeatedly to tear me down as if my childhood was my fault. It didn’t matter to him that I didn’t drink or that I was a loving and attentive mother.
Women customarily take on blame or responsibility that does not belong to them. I think this goes back for generations and is ingrained in our culture. A part of us—the ego—worries about appearances, wants to fit in, believes we need to be the center of attention, competes with others, and consumes itself with issues related to our importance, pride, and gratification. The ego causes us to value others’ opinions of us more than our own. A wounded ego, whether it’s inflated or deflated, is dangerous. Your husband’s wounded ego is largely responsible for the suffering he has caused you. Because of my wounded ego, I was embarrassed to admit to people that I had a failed marriage. Our egos can ruin our lives if we let them run our lives.
It is very important that you not let your ego make decisions regarding your divorce.
KNOW THYSELF
“Whatever is in me is stronger than what is out there to
defeat me.”
―CAROLYN MYSS
After years of marriage, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had become disconnected from myself. Perhaps you are too. It is important to get to know yourself again, authentically.
Start paying attention to what gives you joy and keep a list of those things. Is it going for a walk in the morning? Is it listening to a certain type of music? Is it being out in nature, smelling the aroma of flowers? Is it cooking with your children? What truly makes you happy? Add to this list regularly. Let your feelings be your compass.
Pay attention to what makes you afraid, fearful, or sad. What are the triggers that make you angry? Start a second list where you track the negatives in your life, the things that prevent you from being happy and your true thoughts and feelings about your situation.
Do you blame yourself for the abuse in your home? Do you avoid conflicts and disagreements at all costs? How does that manifest in your body? Do you have headaches, nausea, or a racing heartbeat? Are you afraid? Do you avoid friends and family to hide the abuse? How does that make you feel? How do you feel about yourself most of the time? How does your partner make you feel? Do you feel trapped? Hopeless? How long have you felt this way? How did you feel before you met your spouse?
Start journal writing, especially when you get up in the morning. Set a timer for ten or fifteen minutes and just start writing stream of consciousness. Allow yourself to write about subjects you would rather avoid. Those are the subjects you probably need to write about the most. Use a prompt like, “What I don’t want to write about is . . .” If you don’t want anyone to read what you’ve written, you can always tear it up right after you write it.
Or begin by writing a question to your higher self, such as: “What would you have me know right now?” or “What do I need to focus on today?” Doing this will give you a lot of clarity. Your higher self is the authentic core of your being that is connected deeply to Spirit. It is the quiet voice of your conscience, inner wisdom, creativity, and love. You can access its guidance through journaling, prayer, and meditation. This is particularly important while you are planning your future. Your higher self can help you make good choices for your children and yourself.
Build your self-esteem by making a list of your best qualities. Also, make a list of your faults and try to improve as a person every day. It is not necessary or helpful to dwell on individual mistakes that you have made. Forgive yourself now for having made them, and then leave them in the past. I am talking about working on habitual weaknesses, such as having a short temper, being jealous, too self-critical, unkind, or a gossip. Every one of us has something on which to work. Work on your faults one at a time if you want to make progress. This work will keep you humble.
Tell yourself again how wonderful you are. You are lovable even though you are a work in progress. The fact that you are willing to look at yourself and improve is admirable. Accept your humanity. Accept who you are right now, the good and the bad. Embrace all of who you are.
THOUGHT WEEDING
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
―NORMAN VINCENT PEALE
Thoughts are things, and they have great power because our lives reflect how we think.
Each one of us is responsible for our thoughts and actions. If you pay attention to what you are thinking and weed out negative and self-defeating thoughts, you will change your life. If you think you will succeed, and then because of this thought you take the necessary steps to do so, you will be much more likely to succeed. Similarly, if you think you are going to fail, you probably will. You will be less likely to try to succeed. You may even sabotage yourself subconsciously so that you do fail. Our innermost thoughts manifest through our choices and actions. Pay attention to your thoughts and actively reject the ones that are not helpful.
Awareness is key. Question your habitual thoughts, especially those that are negative, judgmental, or limiting. When you examine them, I believe you will see that your parents, teachers, and husband, and even your friends, plant most thoughts of this type in your mind.
Like most people, I didn’t think about the fact that I alone was responsible for my thoughts until I started reading books on spirituality. Now I recognize that it is up to me to pay attention to what I am thinking and guard my mind. Negative thoughts and doubts are going to pop up from time to time, so I need to be vigilant and root out the ones that do not serve me.
Scientific American magazine ran an article a couple of years ago that discussed how repetitive thoughts carve deep grooves in the neural pathways of the brain, and how we cannot remove them with willpower alone. We can, however, replace negative thoughts by the repetition of positive thoughts or ideas that replace and override them. Repeating positive affirmations is a method that helps to restructure the brain’s neural connections.2 Even if the practice seems corny or awkward to you, there is a biochemical basis why it works.
Repeating positive affirmations right before you drift off to sleep can help seed them in the garden of your subconscious mind, where they need to take hold for lasting change to take place. Personally, I have found it even more helpful to write out the affirmations I am working with long hand on a notepad several times each night.
Pick up a copy of You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, which teaches the process of working with affirmations. Then make index cards of affirmations devised to counteract your most frequent negative thoughts and keep them on your night table. Several favorite affirmations from her book are: “I am enough,” “I am valuable,” and “I love and forgive myself.”3
Hay wisely states not to resist a negative thought when it occurs. Just to ask the question, “Where did that come from?” The thought may have come from childhood if you were abused verbally back then, or it may have come from your spouse or another person.
I am not advocating the use of falsely positive or dishonest affirmations, like “My marriage is perfect.” I am talking about affirmations regarding your self-worth and self-love.
Catastrophic thoughts or negative generalizations you may have, such as “My life is over,” “I am worthless,” “I can’t ever do anything right,” or “Nobody will ever love me,” are mental tapes that have been looping through your brain for years, maybe decades, and yes, they can be replaced with effort by more positive and loving thoughts.
Weeding negative thoughts and planting positive thoughts in your mind to replace them requires months of applied repetition, not days, but it does work. So, do it. Value yourself enough to do that which is necessary to become strong enough to get through your divorce with a reasonable settlement. Taking responsibility for your thoughts will enable you to have a more fulfilling and happy life, which is the life that God planned for you. You must do this if you are going to be happy and productive. To change your experience, change your thoughts.
