The Lunam Ceremony (Book One), page 24
It’s mine too, but I can’t tell her that. I don’t mention that I might be leaving. I’m not even sure Dillan and I will be together in nine months. We’ve been strained. That’s the word I used to describe our relationship to Layla. She said it’s normal in the first year. At least Layla isn’t telling me things will work out, that we will live happily ever after. She’s still holding out hope that I’m pregnant even though chances are very slim. Dillan and I were only together the first and last day of the season, so I’m not worried.
“I heard through the grapevine that Conall planned to match her with a half-breed. I can’t believe he would throw his entire legacy into the fire and end his pure bloodline just to please his bratty daughter. A female nobody even wants.”
She is wrong. Somebody did want her. Dillan still visits Cassie every few days. He doesn’t stay long, but the fact that he stops by makes my insides boil. You’ve never really been in love until you’ve plotted somebody’s murder. I would never act on my instincts, but just thinking about it makes me feel better. I’ve entrusted a few of the beta females and my brother to keep me informed of the comings and goings around Cassie’s cabin. Elle is especially helpful; she was the one who told me about the gold and brown box Dillan carried out of Hopi the other day. She wasn’t able to see where he was going since she was on duty in the nursery and couldn’t leave. I don’t need a spy to tell me where Dillan took the chocolates.
The loud buzzer from the washer goes off, and I clamp my free hand over my ear. “I have to go, Mom.”
“Ok, call me anytime, sweetie.” Layla ends our conversations with the same line: “You’re the alpha, do what makes you happy.” The words seem to apply to my life a bit more each time she says them.
Elle and the other betas love the job rotation. Leah and the alphas, not so much. I gather the last of the towels and shove them in the industrial-size dryer. I put myself on the shittiest work detail, just to prove a point. If I do it, the others have no excuse when it’s their turn. Leah did ask if she would have to do anything strenuous after the full moon. I told her that beta females have been doing laundry for centuries while pregnant, and since we are stronger by nature, it shouldn’t kill us.
“Kalysia,” Clio calls from the door. “Are you still in here?”
“Back here,” I yell and start folding a pile of sheets. Clio’s face is a mash of fear and sickness. If anyone is pregnant, it’s her. She’s pale and hasn’t eaten in two days. She can barely keep liquids down. “You look like crap,” I tell her. “Why don’t you get some rest before dinner? Mara can get things started without you.” I toss a stack of sheets into the transport bin.
“I’m fine.” She puts her hand on the bin to stop it from rolling as I lay the sheets on top of the clean towels. “Dillan’s looking for you.”
“Oh, ok.” I push the laundry cart to the side and step towards the door. Clio grabs my arm and stops me. Her eyes dart from the dryer humming behind me to the floor and back. “Is something wrong?”
“He didn’t look happy.”
Dillan isn’t at the cabin, so I take a quick shower. I hear someone shuffling around the kitchen when I turn off the water. I sense its Dillan without having to confirm. I walk from the bathroom to our bedroom in a towel. There was a time when I would have called to him, or he would have joined me in the shower. Two months ago, he would have thrown me on the bed and said, “One day you’ll be waiting in here for me, naked.” Now we don’t even speak to each other unless absolutely necessary. He spends all of his time at the brew house. The fact that he’s still training Ray to brew, leads me to believe he still plans to leave.
I let the towel drop to the floor and slam the dresser drawer, frustrated that my partner, the supposed love of my life, doesn’t even bother to sneak a peek at my naked body. He doesn’t want me anymore. Maybe there’s somebody else he wants to see naked, someone he’s already seen. Did they shower together? Did he toss her on her sofa bed and make her promise to wait for him one day?
I dress quickly, angrily pulling on my clothes. Dillan finally comes in when I’m putting on my socks. He must know how long it takes me to dress; he timed his entrance perfectly. Asshole.
He leans against the door frame, filling every inch. He watches me yank socks onto my feet. I feel words hanging in the air, and I wait for him to give them a voice.
“What?” I finally say. “Do you want something?” My question confuses him. He looks to the bed and quickly back to me. It’s been nine days since we made love. It’s the longest I’ve gone without sex since we met. There were a couple of mornings I thought he would pull me to him, take me under the covers, but he got up and went for a run instead. I wonder if he went to Cassie’s. I would have smelled it on him, unless…unless Cassie told him phasing cleanses you of any foreign scents. Bitch.
I step towards him to leave, and he steps back. Seeing him move away from me hurts. He’s careful not to touch me when I pass him. Part of me wants to fling my arms around his neck and kiss him. But I won’t do it. I won’t make the first move; he has to. He is the one who is supposed to be showing me he loves me. Instead he treats me like a disease. He won’t touch me or even look at me.
I go to the kitchen and fill a glass with water. I’m not thirsty, it just gives me something to do.
“Kalysia.” His voice is low, steady. “We need to talk.”
My heart is in my throat; I push it down with a gulp of water. I nod my head to acknowledge him. I turn and sit at the small kitchen table without meeting his eyes. He sits opposite me and places his radio on the table.
The leaky faucet drips into the stainless steel sink, one, two, fourteen times before Dillan speaks. “I don’t want to fight.” He clears his throat.
Generally, when you start a conversation like this, a fight is inevitable. I don’t respond. I’m not promising anything.
“I want to know the truth about why you didn’t want to have a baby with me.” His eyes flit to mine when he says the word baby. “Just tell me,” he says, desperate for an answer I don’t have.
I don’t know why I was so against it a month ago. I guess the idea of being a parent seemed outrageous, especially at our age. But the more I hear the others talk about it and the more time I spend with Taylor, I don’t know. I get it. I wasn’t raised in a pack, I never even held a baby until Taylor. The other females grew up with dozens of children in various stages of infancy. They knew the joys and perils of parenthood by the time they were ten years old. I see that being a mother isn’t something to be afraid of. I can do it. I know I can. And I’m sorry. Sorry to Dillan and to my parents, but mostly I’m sorry for my future child. My baby won’t be an Altum alpha. Cassie’s child will be the leader, not mine. I just hope the world these kids create is better than the one we have now.
I look at my lonely hands resting on the table. It’s been so long since Dillan took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles. “I don’t know.”
Dillan sits up in his chair; he looks me square in the eye and says, “Liar.” I watch his jaw tighten and release. He’s fuming. Why didn’t I see this before?
I stand and my chair falls backwards onto the floor. “You’re the fucking liar!” I pick up my water glass, and the next thing I know, it’s shattering against the wall behind Dillan’s head. He scrambles to his feet.
“Are you out of your mind?” He reaches for his radio and snatches it from the table as he backs towards the door. “You almost hit me!”
I shrug carelessly as my heart rages out of control. It’s a volcano about to erupt and destroy itself. The fissure that cracked the morning I saw Dillan at Cassie’s cabin and spread the night I spent with Jase. Now it’s destroyed. My heart will never be the same. I swallow the lump of jealousy in my throat. I won’t feel bad about Jase. I’ll never see him again. Unlike Cassie. Dillan is probably sneaking off with her every day. That’s why he won’t have sex with me. I whirl around and lean on the sink. I’m hyperventilating. I can’t stop the images of Dillan and Cassie in bed, showering, eating chocolates. “You’re still fucking her, aren’t you?”
I hear Dillan suck in a breath when he hears what I’m accusing him of. I spin around and face him. He changes his stance, his right foot forward, like he’s ready for a fight. He shakes his head with a sad expression on his face. One of pity more than shame.
“LIAR!” My body shakes with anger. I want to phase and rip his throat out, the same way I did the morning I came back from Quincy and found out he was still in her bed. A low growl builds in my chest. I want to kill him and her.
“I’m not sleeping with Cassie.” Dillan’s tone is softer, soothing. He knows I’ll kill him. “I swear, Kalysia, on us. I haven’t slept with her since…” His voice trails off when he sees the murderous look in my eyes. “Please calm down. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You don’t want to hurt me?” I’m seething now. I grind my teeth to keep from screaming. “You. Hurt me. Every day.” I choke out each word. Tears roll freely down my cheeks. Dillan slumps into the doorway and bows his head. “Every time I see her I think of you kissing her, holding her, the way you used to hold me. When you touch me, I wonder if it’s her you think of, if it’s her you really want.” I fall to my knees. My heart is burned beyond repair. We are beyond repair.
Dillan tosses the chair from between us and kneels in front of me. I lean forward and rest my head on his thighs. Dillan rubs my back and makes soothing noises. I sit up. We are face to face on the floor. His eyes are wet with tears. “You aren’t even going to deny it?” I bite my lip, and another wave of tears falls.
Dillan takes my head in his hands and holds my face close to his. “Of course I deny it. I love you, Kalysia. You. Not her.” His breath is warm on my face. “But we started something here and we have to see it through.” I know he means the baby, the heir to his line.
“But you can’t leave now, can you?”
Dillan’s eyes flicker to my mouth. He pinches his eyes closed, to trap his tears inside.
“I won’t ask you to leave. I can’t take you away from your child,” I sob. I want to pull away, but he holds my head in his hands, searching my eyes for an answer I don’t have.
Suddenly, Dillan’s lips are on mine, his tongue in my mouth. I barely have time to suck in a breath before he is back again. I run my hands through his hair and down his back. I pull the collar of his jacket and try to take it off, but he stops me.
“Kalysia,” he breathes my name. “Just tell me, I need to hear it from you.”
I pull back, and he drops his hands from my face. We are breathless and wanting, yet here we sit with doubt looming between us. What does he expect me to say? What does he think? I watch the love in his eyes fade to suspicion. “Did someone say something to you?” I ask. He shakes the look from his face, but it’s too late. “What did Cassie tell you?” I knock his hands off of my legs and stand.
Dillan remains on his knees. He looks up at me with a mash of sorrow and pity. “She told me you might not be able to have children.” He pulls one foot from underneath him and rests on one knee, the way men do when they are about to propose.
I gasp when he takes my hand. I don’t know if it’s the fact that Cassie has betrayed me, or because it looks like Dillan is going to ask me to marry him. “I’ll love you no matter what, Kalysia. I just need you to tell me yourself.” He puts my hand to his lips. “It makes sense now—you allowing me to be with Cassie. You didn’t want to deny me the chance to be a father.”
I shake my head so hard that my ponytail whips my cheeks. I never wanted him to be a father. I just wanted him to leave, with me. I can’t let him think I’m so selfless. This can’t be why he loves me. “No.” I pull my hand away and motion for him to stand. “What Cassie told you isn’t true.”
He scoffs as if Cassie is incapable of a lie. “So, you didn’t take the pill?”
“Yes, I took the pill. But the pill doesn’t make you sterile. It’s just a stupid Shasta myth.” Dillan watches me closely for any signs of a lie. It angers me that he would doubt me, not her. “Why would she even tell you that?” I feel the wall between us being hoisted back into place when Dillan begins to protect her.
“She was trying to comfort me.” He pauses and clears his throat. Bad choice of words. “I was upset and a little buzzed from too much wine. I was going on and on about why you would offer Cassie to me. I understood why Lowell wanted me to be with her, but I couldn’t make sense of why you would go along with it. I would kill before I let another man touch you.”
Which is why he will never know about Jase. I want to remind him about the deal with Lowell, about him being outcast if he didn’t create an heir, anything to change the subject. He won’t let me speak.
“You know I don’t care about my father. I would’ve left without a dime and spent my life with you.”
Would have left. My heart can’t take anymore. “You don’t have to worry about that now.” I lean on the sink and put on the bitterest face I can muster. “You can stay here and live happily ever after with Cassie, eating chocolates.” It’s easier to have him hate me than know he won’t leave with me.
“What are you saying?” Dillan steps towards me. “I love you, Kalysia.” I roll my eyes in response. “You don’t believe me because I gave Cassie a box of candy?”
It’s not just the candy. Once she confirms she’s pregnant, he will dote on her, care for her. It’s in his nature. I just shrug. I don’t want to come between him and his child. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. I fucked up. I should be the one having his baby, not her. Tomorrow they will become a family, and I will be alone.
“It isn’t just the candy. It’s you and her. Something has changed between you two, something that I didn’t anticipate. You care about her. You will care about your baby. I don’t fit into the scenario anymore, so I’m withdrawing myself from the equation.”
“What are you saying?” Dillan leans in the doorway like he might fall over.
I swallow hard and try to keep an even face. “It’s over.”
I don’t ask Dillan for permission to go on the Truckee run. I don’t need to. I’m not his and he isn’t mine. Rusty and Carrick volunteered for the run and didn’t seem to mind that I was crashing their weekend. Carrick told Dillan he is going to visit some family in South Lake Tahoe, really him and my brother plan to spend the weekend together so we take two vehicles. Rusty is driving my truck, while Carrick follows behind in the larger delivery van.
All the sales have doubled, tripled in some cases, since the first order. The beer is a huge success. Lowell must be in heaven. Today he’ll learn he’s going to be the grandfather of a future pack leader, making his role, and Dillan’s, all the more powerful. If I wasn’t a complete idiot, my child would be the one with all the power, giving Monte and Layla the control they need to stand against Lowell. But I failed them and myself.
“You’ve been quiet all day.” Rusty turns down the stereo. I see him watching me from the corner of my eye.
“Watch the road, please.” I gesture to the-two lane highway in front of us. “I’m fine.” I bite my tongue every time I say that these days. “You’re killing me slowly with this.” I hold up the Taylor Swift CD case.
Rusty just laughs like I’m joking. “Well, I was thinking, maybe you want to stay the night in South Lake Tahoe with me and Carrick.”
The plan was for Rusty and I to take the delivery truck back to camp and let Carrick have the Ford for his trip to Tahoe. At least, that’s what they told the others. Rusty planned all along to spend this weekend, Valentine’s Day weekend, with Carrick. Me coming along blew their plan.
“Come on, sis. You don’t want to be around for all that full moon bullshit anyway.”
I shrug. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’ve shut down.
We pull into the parking lot of the Gallup Saloon, our last stop. Bud and Sissy treat us to an early dinner of barbecue chicken and baked sweet potatoes. Bud says our fancy beer is selling like free water in hell. He even added a special pairing to his menu featuring Howlin’ Ale. “Your fancy brew and my barbecue sauce are a match made in heaven. My customers can’t get enough.” Bud gives us a case of Willis’ West Coast Barbecue Sauce to take back this time.
Rusty and Carrick love Bud and think Gallup is a hoot. They even join in a couple of line dances before we leave. The women in the place fall all over my brother and his boyfriend. I have to pull them off the dance floor and tell them we have to get going.
The sun is setting when we walk outside. Bud gestures to the clear sky. “Hellava lot better than the shit storm you drove through last time you were here.” When he says that, my mind goes instantly to Jase. I’m so close.
Rusty starts the delivery truck and waits for Carrick to pull out first. I can see the longing in his eyes. I pick up the two-way radio and call to Carrick. “Change of plans, pull over.” I can hardly believe what I’m about to say, but I’m too close. He’s too close. “I’ll take the Ford, you two take the delivery truck, and we’ll meet in Meyers tomorrow at noon. I’ll call camp and tell them we’re going to stay in Tahoe together. That way, you don’t have to lie.”
Rusty just nods. He knows why Dillan won’t fight me. We look at the dash; it is ten past five. The full moon was at 4:56pm. He knows he’s going to be a father. He’s probably off celebrating with Cassie, bathing her in chocolates.
“He loves you, you know that.” Rusty pats my hand, sensing my despair.
“That isn’t the issue.” I leave it at that. “Come on, get out. Carrick’s waiting.” I push my brother’s shoulder.
Rusty grabs his phone from the ashtray and his duffle from behind the seat. “You can come if you want. We can get drunk in the casino and stuff ourselves at the buffet.” His smile falters when I shake my head. “I don’t know if I should leave you alone. Where are you going to go for the night?”
I feel my face flush. Rusty recognizes the clandestine look. “Kalysia….no!” He closes the door as if someone will hear us. “You can’t go back to Quincy.”
