The Lunam Ceremony (Book One), page 22
“I just want to talk to you, to explain before the others try…” She steps back into the living room. “It isn’t what you think.” She holds her hands in front of her, as if her weak ass could stop me if I attacked. I’m stronger, smarter, and deadlier than she will ever be. “Kalysia, please.” Her back is pressed flat to the front door. I press my forehead to hers and I smell him. I smell him on her face, her hair, even her breath smells of his.
“Phase,” I hiss. Cassie’s eyes are a mix of fear and bewilderment. “Phase.” The word roars from my chest. I step back to allow her room to turn.
“Here? Now?” Cassie’s eyes are wet with tears yet to fall. Her weakness fuels my rage.
“Outside.” I point towards the backdoor, and she cautiously moves past me. Once we are on the back porch, I tell her to strip.
“You want me to take off my clothes?” She wraps her arms around her body. I nod, and she squeezes herself tighter. I step towards her, and she begins to undress. She unzips her fleece jacket and then takes off her shirt. She isn’t wearing a bra. Next she unzips her pants and pulls her underwear off. “Kalysia, please. Don’t make me do this.”
Seeing her weakness breaks me a little. The insecure way she holds herself, the smell of fear emanating from her skin. “You have to.” My tone softens. “It’s the only way to remove his scent.” I look at the tower and wonder if Carrick is watching. If he is, he will call Rusty. “Just phase now, hurry.” I gather her clothes in my arms. “I’ll meet you at your place.”
Cassie slowly descends the stairs; her arms are wrapped around her body. When her feet make contact with the icy dirt, she shrieks. She lifts her foot and examines the mud, making a noise of disgust.
“Just phase already!” I yell down to her. She takes another couple of steps and focuses on the woods. Her phase is sloppy. Her body twists and she lands on her side with a yelp. Her paws slip from under her and she looks up at me like a scared puppy. “Go home,” I command, and she takes off towards her cabin.
My arms are filled with Cassie’s discarded clothes. I don’t see the sled lying in the middle of the path until I’m on the ground. “Ouch!” I yank the sled from under my back and sit up.
“Are you ok?” Leah is suddenly by my side. She offers me her hand.
“I’m fine.” I dust myself off and kick the sled.
“I’ll make sure someone is punished for this.” She tosses the sled into a bush.
“No, Leah, geez. It was an accident.” I gather Cassie’s clothes from the ground.
“Do you need help with that?” Leah gestures to the muddy clothes in my arms, but I can tell she doesn’t want to touch them. Leah was raised as the daughter of an alpha. She’s used to being waited on by betas.
“I got it.” I wait for her to move on. When she doesn’t, I ask her if she needs anything else.
“I was just, uh, wondering if you spoke to our father.” She looks nervously at the ground.
“I did.”
“Do you know why he’s here? Is everything ok?” She looks up at me.
“He’s here because of me.”
Leah’s face turns red. “Oh.” I feel the bitterness in her tone.
I feel bad about Monte not knowing her name. I wonder if she knows how unimportant she is to him now that I’m back. “He’s not really here for me, he came because of Layla. She’s here for me. She wanted to make sure I got back safely.” I roll my eyes for a dramatic effect. “He’s at the brew house. Why don’t you ride up there with Drake and say hi?”
Leah shrugs. “I don’t know, he’s probably busy. I don’t want to bother him.”
“He’s your father. You have every right to disturb him.” I nudge her with my elbow in a sisterly fashion. I don’t truly believe what I’m saying. How much right do we have as Monte’s children? I know I can call Layla anytime night or day and she will pick up. She would drop everything for me. She would drive two hundred miles at the drop of a hat to make sure I’m ok. Will Dillan do that for his child? Will I let him? Do I have a right to decide?
“Honestly, I’m scared of him.” Leah says this with a laugh. “I mean, shit, I’ve only spoken to him a handful of times in my life. The longest conversation we ever had was when he told me about you going to Lunam.”
I never thought to ask when my brother and sister found out I existed. I thought everyone knew about Layla. “You didn’t know you had a sister?”
“I didn’t. Rusty knew, I think. He didn’t seem surprised to hear your name, just shocked that you showed up for Lunam.”
“What did Monte tell you about me?”
Leah shrugged and shoved her hands in her coat pockets. “He said he had another daughter, a pureblood daughter, and that there wouldn’t be as much pressure on me to make a good match. He actually pointed you out to me and said, ‘She’s the prettiest girl here.’ So, yeah, it sort of stung.”
“I’m sorry.” I readjust the clothes in my arms. “I guess Monte can be a bit of a douche.”
Leah giggles. “Yeah, I guess. But you are nothing like I thought you’d be.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“Definitely good.”
Leah’s walkie interrupts our sisterly bonding, and she takes off for the kitchen.
As soon as she rounds the corner to the lodge, I hurry to Cassie’s. I creep in slowly and call her name. She doesn’t answer. I look at her unmade bed; the sheets have been stripped. The smell of pine mingles with her scent and Dillan’s. Rusty must have instructed the beta that cleans her cabin to use the pine. Thanks, Rusty.
I hear a rustling at the door before Cassie’s naked body stumbles inside.
“What took you so long?” She shivers and runs to the bathroom.
“Leah stopped me.” I place Cassie’s dirty clothes on the floor near the door and close it.
I stay while Cassie showers. I don’t know why; I’m hiding I guess. Cassie’s is the last place Dillan would look for me. Or maybe I want to see if Dillan shows up.
Cassie jumps when she opens the bathroom door and sees me sitting at her small dining table. She doesn’t speak; she crosses the room to a mini-fridge and pulls out a bottle of water. She places it on the table in front of me and then takes one out for herself. We drink the water in silence.
I don’t know how much time passes, but the sun is high in the sky, and some of the older kids are running past the cabin, towards the field to play kickball. I feel my stomach rumble. I haven’t had a real meal since the pulled pork sandwich at Gallup. Bill and Deb shoved plates of food in my hands, but they were replaced by red solo cups from Delilah.
“Are you hungry?” I stand and walk to the garbage can with my empty water bottle. Her trash can has the little step on the bottom that flips the lid open. I step on it and toss the bottle inside. It shuts just as quickly as it opens, but not before I see the gold and brown box inside. I place the toes of my boots on the lever again. The lid pops open. I reach down and pull out the empty box of chocolates.
“I’m sorry, Kalysia. I didn’t ask for them. He just brought them over.” I imagine him feeding her chocolates in bed and I want to snap her neck. “We talked about stuff during the drive here, the day I moved in. I mentioned I liked chocolate, and he brought them to cheer me up. He knew how much I missed my family.”
I believe her. At the end of the day, Dillan is a sweet guy. The chocolates could have been an innocent gift. He signed them out himself. He wasn’t hiding anything. “Ok.” I exhale and walk to the door. “Are you going to the lodge for lunch?” I realize how awkward it will be if she does show up, and I hope she says no.
“I don’t think so. I’ll stop by later and pick something up or grab a snack from Hopi.”
“That’s probably best.” I open the door and leave without saying goodbye.
I’m surprised to find Monte and Layla in the lodge eating lunch when I arrive. Leah is all smiles as she serves Monte a helping of her chili. Monte tells me the brew house looks great and that Lowell reported good numbers so far. “If things keep going this well, you’ll be able to leave sooner than expected. I mean, after you have a child.” Layla kicks Monte under the table and he yelps. “What?”
“Will you be heading back soon?” I push my untouched bowl away and take a sip from my beer. Monte insisted we all join him for a taste. He said we have to know our product inside and out.
“As soon as Rusty gets back with a keg for the road, we’ll be on our way.” Monte pats his stomach. “Leah, this was just delicious.” Leah jumps up from her seat and clears his bowl.
“It’s nothing.” She waves off the compliment, but she’s beaming with pride.
“I’m a horrible cook,” I tell the table. “Isn’t that right, Mom?”
Layla hates when I put myself down. It’s very un-alpha of me, but I nod my head toward Leah so she understands the self-deprecating remark. “Oh yeah, Kalysia’s the worst. She almost burned down our apartment trying to make microwave popcorn. The smell didn’t go away for a week.” Layla winks at me then compliments Leah on her cooking skills.
As lunch winds down, Monte invites Drake and some of the other men to have a drink with him before he heads out at the bar they set up on New Year’s Eve. It’s still fully stocked and used pretty often. Dillan doesn’t mind if the guys unwind with a drink, as long as it’s in moderation.
My eyes are glued to the door. If you told me a week ago that the thought of seeing Dillan would instill this kind of fear, I wouldn’t believe it. But fear is exactly what I feel. I’m afraid to see him, like he will see through me. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid that I’ll see him differently. Either way, we’ve both changed.
The lodge is filled with quiet conversation. Pete and Elle are in the corner, coaxing Gavin to eat. His face is covered in chili. Elle sees me watching and waves. I remember what I wanted to call Layla about today. “Mom,” I say. Layla turns her attention away from the males and looks at me. “I was wondering if I could rotate responsibilities. You know, spread the work around so the betas aren’t always stuck doing the same jobs.”
Layla smiles and nods in approval. “Absolutely.” She smiles in approval and sips her wine, then remembers who she’s dealing with. “You mean just the betas, right?”
“Um, no.” I brace for her wrath. “I mean for everyone. It isn’t fair that the alphas get to choose their jobs, while the betas are stuck with the laundry and cleaning.”
Layla breaks into a huge smile. “See, this is why I took you away. You don’t see things the way the others do. I think it’s a great idea, but it will be a hard sell to the alphas, especially your half-sister.” She gestures to Leah, who is hanging on Drake’s arm. “She’s been raised in pack life; she won’t like the change. She’ll think you are punishing her and the others. They will see it as a power trip.”
Layla makes sense, but I know I can talk Leah and the others into it. “I can make them see things my way.” I say with confidence.
The door opens, and a cold breeze chills my back. I’m afraid to turn around. I watch Layla’s face. When she has no reaction; I know it isn’t Dillan. A few minutes later, I feel a tug on my pants.
“Taylor!” I scoop her into my arms. She’s warm and cuddly and smells like maple syrup. Taylor claps her hands when I set her in my lap. “Taylor, this is my mom.” I take her hand and wave at Layla. If I didn’t know my mother, I would think seeing Taylor in my lap choked her up, but it must be the spice in the chili. Layla clears her throat and says hello to Taylor.
Taylor claps again and then looks up at me. “Mumm,” she dribbles. My eyes dart to Layla’s.
“Did she just call you mom?” We say at the same time to each other. Before either of us recover from the shock, Carrick arrives.
“Come on, princess. I’ll get you some mum-mum.” Carrick smiles at Layla and takes Taylor from my lap.
Layla and I exchange a smile. “I thought she was talking to you.” I point at Layla.
She shakes her head and says, “No, sweetie, she was talking to you.” Layla pats my hand. “You’re a natural.” I feel my heart tug a bit at the thought of giving Layla not just an heir to her family line, but also a grandchild.
“You ready to hit the road?” Monte caresses Layla’s back.
“You’re drunk.” She stands with her hand held out. Monte places the keys to his Mercedes in her palm. I love their dynamic.
“Who will drive your car?” I ask.
Layla waves it off. “Next time someone heads our way; they can bring it down.” Layla winks at me and whispers, “Until then, I guess I’ll have to get a new car.”
Layla is always two steps ahead. I hug Mom, then Monte. He tells me to call him Dad, and a tear forms in the corner of my eye. I’ve never called anyone Dad. My mom and dad are about to walk out when Leah yells from the kitchen. “Wait! Let me pack up some chili to go!”
Layla gives me a wide-eyed look, but calls to Leah and tells her she would love to take some home. Who is this person? The Layla I know was never this sweet. Monte’s pleasing personality must be rubbing off on her. Layla drags Monte to the kitchen to retrieve their doggie bag and to say goodbye to his other daughter.
“Mum mum mum,” Taylor cries from her high chair in the corner. I wave and she claps her hands. Carrick turns to see who is making his daughter smile.
“We have a thing,” I explain. Carrick looks thrilled to know I care about Taylor. “Don’t we, Taylor!” Taylor claps again and reaches out for me with chili-stained hands.
Carrick turns around to say something then stops. I hear the door open and close behind me. His scent is still mashed with hers. I wonder how long it will last. I walk away, my back to him. I pluck a napkin from the buffet and take it to Carrick. He mouths thank you and wipes his daughter’s face.
“Kalysia,” Dillan calls my name and the lodge goes silent, except for Monte, who is laughing as he returns from the kitchen with Layla and Leah.
I don’t want to turn around, but I have to. No use avoiding the inevitable. Seeing him here, in public, may be the buffer we need. Neither one of us want to make a scene in front of my parents. When I turn around, my eyes find his instantly. I can’t read his expression. It’s part anger, part guilt, part love. Or maybe that’s how I’m feeling. Then I see her, standing timidly behind him. The air in my lungs deflates. How can I stand here as if nothing is wrong? My eyes turn to daggers as a low rumble builds in my throat. The next thing I know Taylor is in my arms. Her chubby hands find my face. I can’t help but laugh.
Dillan remains frigid at the door with all eyes on him. Monte looks from me to Dillan. Then he looks at Layla, who is trying to maintain a level of calm. “Looks like the honeymoon is over,” he bellows as they walk out. He slaps Dillan on the back when he passes him and says, “Take care of my girl.” Dillan’s jaw tightens. He doesn’t reply.
“Come on, Monte.” Layla pushes him out the door.
Dillan and Cassie quietly get their lunch. Cassie takes her bowl back to her cabin, while Dillan sits at the center table, his table. The room has turned cold since he arrived, but this is his pack. He won’t be ignored. It was probably his idea for Cassie to come get lunch. She will be the mother of his child if all goes according to plan; it’s only normal for him to make sure she’s properly fed. I wonder if she told him I made her phase. I don’t care. That’s between me and Cassie. Just like what happened over the last two days is their business.
The reaction of the pack shocks me. I thought the males would see Dillan taking Cassie as a good thing. It’s a trickledown effect, what’s good enough for the pack leader is good enough for the pack. That doesn’t seem to be the case. The pack is on my side. Although their allegiance feels good, I know it’s wrong for them to shun Dillan. I tell Carrick to join him while I finish feeding Taylor. He doesn’t argue. Soon other males sit at Dillan’s table.
I’m new at this feeding thing, and Taylor’s face and clothes can prove it. I hold the bowl too close to Taylor, and she knocks it to the floor. Elle runs over to clean it up, but I wave her away. “I got it.” I look up and see Dillan watching me clean the floor. He continues to watch as I clean Taylor’s face and hands. When Carrick is called to the tower, I keep Taylor, promising to take her to Mara when she gets tired.
Eventually everyone returns to work. Leah and Clio clear the lunch dishes and disappear into the kitchen to prep for dinner. Before I know it, it’s only me and Dillan in the dining room. Taylor is sleeping in my arms when Dillan sits beside me. He puts his arm over the back of the couch. I look over Taylor’s head, at him. She’s the buffer we need—a warm, soft, loveable little buffer. I feel Dillan’s fingers in my hair and close my eyes. My heart flutters, but not like before. There is something else there, something that makes me want to vomit.
“You look so beautiful with her,” he says quietly. “I didn’t know you helped in the nursery.”
“I don’t, I mean, not usually. I just helped out during…” I don’t finish. He knows what I mean.
“It suits you.” He places his hand on my shoulder and I shudder. The reaction surprises us both. Dillan removes his arm from the couch and leans forward with his head in his hands. “I don’t know if you want me to touch you or leave you alone.”
I don’t know either. I clear the lump in my throat and stand up. Taylor twitches in my arms. I lean my cheek on her sweaty head and I look at Dillan. “Do you want to touch me?”
His face is a tangled mess of emotion. I want to care about his feelings, but I can’t. He smells like her. It’s faint; I can tell he showered. Probably at the brew house where they have a small apartment set up for overnight shifts. “Of course I want to touch you. I love you. That hasn’t changed.” But something has. I can tell by the way he lets the sentence hang there, unfinished.
I take Taylor to the nursery then head to my cabin. I walk slowly. It’s the first time since we met at Lunam that the thought of being alone with Dillan makes me nervous. In fact, I wish I could just avoid him altogether. My parents’ arrival this morning couldn’t have been more perfect. Their visit gave us the excuse we needed to avoid the awkward conversation that is about to take place. What am I going to say? What will he say? I love him, that hasn’t changed, but so much has. Even if he doesn’t know about Jase, my night with him, the connection we had, it changed me. I will never see Jase again, but he will always have a small place in my heart.
