The Lunam Ceremony (Book One), page 16
“Are you monitoring your cycle?” I use Clio’s words to sound like I know what I’m talking about.
“Oh, yeah, it looks like today or tomorrow.” She looks everywhere but at me. She can’t look me in the eyes. If this really were the business proposition we said it was, then why is she so nervous? So guilty? Why am I so angry? I need to get out of here. I move towards the door and she opens it. I don’t say goodbye when I brush past her. I’m a few steps from her porch when she calls to me. I turn around and the morning sun bounces off the window, blinding me.
“He’s still…I mean, everything is still going as planned?” she stammers.
“Yes,” I shoot at her and walk away.
The one day in my life I want to never end flies by like Mother Nature is on fast forward. I spend most of the day alone in my office. I update my work distribution spreadsheets, make a new list for the next food run, and try like hell to get on the internet. When I bother June and Sam about it, they say once the storm clears they will put up more antennas. June has a small radio that gets the local road updates. She tells me there are back-to-back storms coming in, so the likelihood that we will get internet is nil.
Dillan radios me around three to say he’s pulling a late shift; he has to get this next batch done tonight since there won’t be anyone around to monitor it tomorrow. I tell him I understand. “Will you come see me before I leave in the morning?”
The radio is silent for a few seconds before his static-filled voice comes through. “Even if I’m not finished, I will come say goodbye.”
Oh God, don’t tell me that. Don’t say you’ll come to say goodbye. Like you’re the one leaving me. Leaving me for her. I squeeze my eyes closed to fight back the tears. I’m so glad he can’t see me, see how much his words hurt.
“I gotta go, I love you.” A loud beep echoes behind his words, it’s the timer.
I click my radio to tell him I love him, but it’s just dead air. “I love you, Dillan,” I say, even if he can’t hear me.
I drop my radio on the desk and rest my face in my hands. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next twenty-four hours. I need a distraction, something to keep my mind off Dillan and Cassie.
“Sorry,” Mara says from the door. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“No, come in.” I sit up and smile like my life isn’t in total chaos. “What’s up?”
Mara is holding Taylor in her arms. “The kids are getting tired of cold sandwiches. I was hoping there would be a hot meal tonight.”
Oh shit. Leah and Patsy are still locked in their cabins. I grew up two blocks from a Whole Foods. Their deli doubled as our kitchen. I’m great at warming things up.
“I’m not asking you to cook.” Mara senses my distress. “I just need someone to keep an eye on the kids while I whip something up.” Taylor giggles in Mara’s arms and reaches for me. This is just the distraction I need.
Mara gets to work in the kitchen making something called Hungarian Goulash. She cubes what is left of the steak, adds a bag of chopped potatoes, tomatoes, an entire jar of paprika, then tells me it will be done in an hour. While Mara cooks, the kids and I share some quality time. I play peek-a-boo with Taylor, and lose three games of Candy Land to Roger and Madeline. This is the first time the lodge has been filled with kids since we arrived. Somehow the kids make the lodge feel even more like a home.
Before the timer buzzes, the lodge smells amazing. When Mara deems the meal complete, she tops it with sour cream, and serves it with the almost stale bread from the pantry. It’s a step up from Leah’s chili, that’s for sure. Mara radios the children’s parents and tells them dinner is ready. They start to trickle in a few minutes later.
Gavin’s parents are older betas. Pete works in Genny with June and Sam. He’s an electrical genius. His partner, Elle, is part of the group of females that run the laundry and clean cabins. It doesn’t take long to see why the children usually eat in the nursery; the kids are loud and messy. Madeline and Roger, literally, haven’t sat still since their parents arrived. They run around the tables, knocking over chairs while screaming at the top of their lungs. Mara and the others scold them for my benefit, but I really don’t mind. The joy on their little faces lifts my spirits. You can’t help but smile and laugh with them.
“Who wants ice cream?” I yell, and the kids stop in their tracks. They raise their hands and yell, “ME! ME!” Even Taylor, who is sitting in Mara’s lap, raises her hand. I wonder where Carrick is. It isn’t like he’s with anyone tonight, and he’s always in the lodge around dinner time. It would be nice to see him with Taylor. I’m sure she misses her father.
I grab my coat and head over to Hopi to get the ice cream. I’m halfway there when I see Clio walking towards the lodge. I wave her over. Her eyes are even more swollen than they were today. I forgot to radio her earlier and tell her my plan. I pull her into Hopi with me. “Dillan agreed to let me go on the Truckee run,” I tell her as I lift the top of the freezer and pull out a tub of ice cream.
“How does that help me?” Clio’s bitter tone is unlike her. “Sorry, Kalysia, I’m just edgy tonight. I know my window will be closing soon, and there is nothing I can do. I don’t see how you going with Tripp tomorrow will make it easier. He will still be gone all day.” Clio takes the ice cream from me and heads towards the door.
“No, that’s just it. I’m going to Truckee tomorrow, and Tripp is staying here, with you.”
Clio turns around with a horrified look on her face. “You’re insane.” She closes the door to Hopi and pulls me farther into the pantry. “You will never get away with it. If Dillan finds out…” She shudders at the thought.
“Dillan will be occupied.” I clench my jaw. Clio’s eyes dart to the floor. She’s embarrassed for me. “All you have to do is keep Tripp in bed all day. By the time they realize I went alone, I’ll be back.”
“Who is going to tell Tripp he doesn’t have to go? He will want to confirm it with Dillan.”
She’s right, he will. I need to enlist one more person to help me pull this off. I send Clio back to the lodge with the ice cream and head to Rusty’s cabin. It takes him a few minutes to answer the door. When he does, his hair is disheveled, and he’s dressed in a loose pair of sweats with no shirt. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I need your help.”
Rusty listens to my crazy plan and adamantly refuses. “No way.” He paces on his porch. The fact that he didn’t invite me in leads me to believe he has someone inside. “I can’t lie to Dillan.”
“You won’t be lying to Dillan; you’ll be lying to Tripp. All I need you to do is radio him and say you found someone else to go on the run. Coming from you, he won’t question who it is.” I take his bare hand in my gloved one. “Please, I need to get out of here.”
Rusty’s stance falters when he sees the pain in my eyes. “What do I tell Dillan when he finds out? Because he will find out.” He’s right. Dillan will know that I went alone, but what can he say? He will be so guilt-stricken that he can’t be mad at me. Especially when I return safe and sound.
“Tell him I told you it was ok.” Rusty shakes his head; he knows that won’t be good enough. “Ok, then tell him I told you he agreed because I didn’t want to stay in camp while he was fucking Cassie.”
“That’s even worse, Kalysia.” Rusty runs his hand over his head. “I’ll deal with his wrath when the time comes.” He pulls me into his arms. As cold as it is outside, he feels warm.
I may have only met Rusty a few months ago, but we have a bond. We’re family, true family. “Thank you.” I bite my lip to keep from tearing up. “Now get back inside and tell whoever is in there that I’m sorry for keeping you.” Rusty doesn’t deny my accusation; he smiles mischievously and closes the door.
I return to the lodge and help Mara clean up the dinner dishes. When we’re done, I find Taylor asleep in her highchair. I kiss her sweaty forehead and hand her to Mara to take back to the nursery. The lodge is eerily quiet. Every movement I make echoes, and I feel how alone I am. I can’t wait to get out of here tomorrow. Other than a couple of food runs, I haven’t left camp. It’ll be nice to be out on the road, on my own. I’ve never been alone before. The idea makes my stomach tingle, in a good way. I turn off the lights and close the door. I wonder if Dillan is heading back soon. I check my watch—it’s past midnight. I round Leah’s cabin and hear her laughing. They must be enjoying every second of their seclusion. I wish. I wish nothing. I don’t want to get knocked up, which is the whole point of all of this. They aren’t just having sex; they are trying to make a baby. A baby that will grow up in this life and have no say over their own happiness. No thank you.
I open the door to my cabin, and Dillan’s scent smacks me in the face. I wish he were home now, although I think I know why he’s staying away. He doesn’t want to test our resolve. If we spend the night together, we won’t be able to control ourselves. The thought soothes my conscious. I thought it was just me not wanting Dillan’s baby, but he stopped this morning. He doesn’t want me to get pregnant either. We have plans. We want to travel and see the world. Having a baby, even if it is for the pack, will bog us down. I don’t think I could leave my baby behind, not anymore. Not after spending time with Taylor. She isn’t even mine and I know I will miss her when we leave. I think about Leah and Cassie, how blindly they follow the ideals of the pack with no regard for right or wrong. This is a result of being raised as a pack child. One that is cared for by people like Mara and taught that their worth is measured by their bloodline. Whatever becomes of Cassie’s baby, I know she will always be there to care for it and love it, even if Dillan isn’t. I just hope that leaving after the baby is born, doesn’t cause Dillan any pain.
There is too much going on in my head to sleep. I open the back door and look around. It’s quiet, the way it gets before it snows. I walk to the woods, undress, and stash my clothes. I leave two sticks crossed over each other as a marker, in case it snows and my clothes are buried. I phase quickly, before my human feet turn numb. I run along the edge of the perimeter gate, behind the tower, to a small opening I discovered in the far east corner. It’s blocked by a large shipping container, but I am small enough to slip underneath. I make no sound as I trot up the hill, towards the brew house. It only takes me a few minutes in wolf form. I don’t like being this close to the building; I don’t want to be spotted. I stay close to the wall, edging along until I reach the back stairs. I just want to see him. I put one paw on the step to go up, when I notice a snowmobile is gone. I sniff the air and catch Sid’s scent. We only have three snowmobiles in camp. There are two here now, which means someone is using the other. I sprint back to the perimeter gate and slide through. If Dillan is on his way home, I need to beat him there. I decide to take my chances and run through camp rather than skim around it. I can hear Leah and Drake talking. Ray is singing to Patsy, and then I hear him. I hear Dillan. I skid to a stop and sniff the air. He’s close by. I slink to the last building, the one with no back door. His scent grows stronger. I hear his laughter, followed by her voice. A low growl builds in my throat. I have to see him; I need to see him. It’s a risk, but I stand on my hind legs, my front paws steadying me on Cassie’s back window. He is standing at her door. The bed is open, but untouched. I concentrate on my hearing.
Dillan’s voice is like an echo in my head. “I just wanted to stop by and make sure you were still ok with this?” I detect something in his tone− fear, anxiety, anticipation.
She tells him she is fine and asks him to come inside. She is nervous, excited.
“No, I can’t stay. I have to get back to the brew house. I just wanted to, I don’t know. See you.”
I hop down and run, I can’t hear anymore. I don’t want to feel the tension between them. The sexual tension. I run to our cabin and phase back. I run up the steps and slam the door shut just as I hear Dillan’s snowmobile in the distance. I listen until the hum of the engine fades as he heads back to the brew house. He didn’t even stop to see me. He drove back to camp for her. He’s probably counting the minutes until I leave. Another great idea, Kalysia. Leave camp so he can screw Cassie in peace. He’ll probably make love to her in our cabin, in my bed. He’ll probably feed her chocolates, in my bed. Lick wine from her skin, in my bed. He’ll ruin the sheets. Ruin everything.
She can have him, those two deserve each other. Following their parent’s orders like sheep. They may be brainwashed morons, but I’m the fool that didn’t see they were setting me up all along. That Dillan was doing this for our future. I was wrong. And now I can’t stop him. If he doesn’t do it, his father will disown him. I definitely can’t condone it. Not now that I know he wants her. He’s probably always wanted her for years. Long before either one of them knew my name. She is probably his real match, his true soulmate. I don’t belong here. I never did. All I can do now is leave.
I don’t wait for Dillan to come say goodbye. As soon as the sky is light, I radio Rusty and tell him I’m ready to go. To my surprise, he is up and says the truck is loaded and waiting at the front gate. I dress quickly and head out to meet him. I don’t want to see Dillan. I don’t think I can hold my tongue about last night. I just need to get out of here.
Rusty and Carrick are having one of their never ending debates when I arrive.
“He can’t take this truck.” Carrick points at the back tire.
“We don’t have time to unload and reload the other truck. Besides, this one has a full tank of gas.” Rusty walks to the driver’s side and sees me listening. “Hey, there. You’re all set; I even warmed up the cab for you.”
Carrick looks at me, then back to Rusty. “What the fuck?”
Rusty ignores Carrick’s surprise. “You got your cell?” Rusty grips my shoulders and looks me in the eye. I hold up the worthless cell phone Layla gave me. It’s never caught a signal; I have no idea if it actually works. “When you clear the mountains, you should get good reception. Here is Monte’s number just in case.” He hands me a business card and kisses my cheek. “Piece of cake.”
I’m grateful for Rusty’s hurried demeanor. The sooner I leave, the less likely it is I’ll be caught. “I’ll be fine.” I force a small smile, but I can’t hide the hurt from my brother.
“Are you ok? You look…tired.” He studies my red eyes.
I like his choice of words. “I’m ok. I need to go.”
Rusty nods and steps aside so I can climb into the truck. “Your packing slips are clipped to the board on the passenger seat. You shouldn’t have any problems finding the drop-offs. If you do…”
“I got it, Rusty.” I close the door and roll down the window. “I doubt anyone will know I’m even gone.” I try to make light of the situation, but I keep hearing the longing in Dillan’s voice when he stood in Cassie’s door. I can’t get it out of my head.
“Does Dillan know about this?” I hear Carrick ask as I roll my window up.
Rusty waves goodbye as I pull out of the gate, then closes it behind me. I can’t help but feel I’m leaving for more than just a delivery run, like I will return a whole new person. I know one thing for certain, when I do come back, things between Dillan and me won’t be the same.
I find all the drop-offs without issue. When I get to my last stop, Gallup Saloon in Truckee, it starts to snow. The parking lot is nearly empty, aside from a beat-up camper parked alongside the worn down building. I put the truck in park and look at the address to make sure this is the correct place. Snow quickly piles on the windshield, but I make out a blur in the doorway. I push down on the windshield wipers to clear my view. A short, round man in a cowboy hat is waving me inside. I guess this is it. I get out of the truck and run to the door.
“Can I help you?” the man says in a southern drawl.
The snow is slick with oil and mud. The old guy offers me a hand and pulls me under the awning. “I’m from Howlin’ Ale. I have your delivery.” I realize I left the clipboard in the truck and start to walk back into the snow.
“Hold on there, darlin’, you get inside. I’ll get my ranch hands to grab the kegs.” He ushers me in before I have a chance to object. The inside of Gallup Saloon is lit up with neon signs. It looks like Las Vegas threw up in here. “I’m Bud.” He offers me his hand.
I start to say my name when all of sudden music blasts into the bar.
“Goddamn!” Bud covers his ears and yells something in Spanish. I have no idea what he says, but the music evaporates as quickly as it started. “Sorry about that, we’re workin’ out some kinks in the sound system.” He sticks his finger in his ear and jiggles it around. “Kali, was it?”
“Uh, yeah.” Sure.
“So, how many of them kegs did I order from that slick-talkin’ sales rep of yours?” Bud moves around to the back of the bar and fishes around for something.
“I left my paperwork in the truck, but I think its two kegs.” Since that’s all I have left, aside from the couple of cases I have in the cab. Rusty left a note saying I should drop off some samples to a list of bars in Tahoe City if I have time and the weather holds up.
“Ah hah.” Bud holds up a slip of paper and confirms it was two kegs. “He tried to sell me four, but I told him folks around here like plain ole beer. It’s hard to sell that fancy shit.” He smiles. “No offense.” He tips his hat and bows his head.
“None taken.” I smile and check my watch. It’s 2:30. I’ll be back at camp around four, six if it snows the whole way. I just hope Dillan and Cassie are done by then. Who am I kidding, I hope they’re done now. It isn’t like they need to do it more than once. Do they? I should know these things. I wish there was someone I could talk to. There is one person that would know. “Do you have a bathroom I can use?”
Bud points me to a small hallway that leads to the unisex bathroom. I pull my phone from the pocket of my coat and check for a signal. It’s full strength. I push Layla’s picture and wait for her to pick up.
