The Lunam Ceremony (Book One), page 12
Deep breath, Kalysia. You can pull this off; you’re stronger and smarter than he is.
“I’m just tired, I guess.” I unzip the fleece hoodie I’ve had on all day and sit on the bed.
Dillan crosses the room and kneels in front of me. “Are you sure you’re ok? Leah said you’ve been cooped up all day with a cold.” He presses his hand to my cheek. “Do you need the doctor?”
“No,” I snap. Deep breath. “I’m fine.”
Dillan doesn’t seem to notice I’m seething as he stares at me with his lying eyes. His ignorance irritates me. Doesn’t he know me at all? “Lie down and I’ll bring you some water.” He runs his hand along the side of my face. His eyes are full of concern, or maybe it’s guilt. I can’t tell anymore. Maybe I don’t know him either. I force a smile and scoot onto the bed. Dillan pulls the throw blanket from the bottom of the bed over my legs. It’s amazing how attentive cheaters become when they know they’re on the verge of being outed. Dillan leaves, and I look around the room. My room. I don’t want to leave this room, this cabin, or the camp. This is my home. Dillan returns with a glass of water and a strange look on his face. His eyes narrow when he looks at me. “Here.” He shoves the water in my hand and walks out.
His unexpected attitude infuriates me. I throw the blanket off my legs and charge after him. I slam the glass on the kitchen table and water splashes onto the floor. “What the hell is your problem?” My voice bounces off the walls.
I see Dillan’s arms tense through his tight-fitting thermal shirt. He spins around with an empty wine bottle in each hand. “Who was here!” He drops the bottles and they crash onto the floor then leaps across the shattered glass and grabs my arm.
“Let me go!” I try to yank free, but he is too strong, much stronger than me. “How dare you accuse me of being with someone else, when you’re running around behind my back with Cassie!” His grip loosens, but he doesn’t let go. “I know what’s going on, Dillan. How could you do this to me? To us?” My voice cracks. “I trusted you.” A traitorous tear runs down my cheek.
Dillan’s eyes fill with fear. “It’s not what you think.” He clears his throat. “I didn’t want any of this to happen.” His voice cracks as he struggles to maintain his composure. “I love you, Kalysia.”
I yank my arm, and this time he lets go. “How dare you say that.” I stand taller and try to meet his eyes. “You don’t know the meaning of the words.”
“And you do?” Dillan spits back. “You’ve never even told me you loved me.” His words feel like a knife in my chest. “All I have ever tried to do was make you happy, and all I wanted in return was for you to love me.”
He’s right. He has been the perfect boyfriend, partner, mate—until now. But he’s wrong about my feelings for him. I don’t express myself as easily as he can. He said I didn’t have to say the words; he could feel them.
Dillan sees the anguish in my eyes and softens his tone. “I know you care for me. But if you had a choice, would you choose me or would you choose another life?”
My eyes dart to the floor. The question isn’t fair. He knows my answer, because he would choose the same way. “You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for your father,” I start to say, but Dillan holds his hands up to stop me.
“You’re right, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have a duty to my family. Neither one of us would be here.” He looks relieved in a way, like he’s been holding this truth in for a long time. We stand only a few feet away from each other, but we are miles apart. “I know you would rather be in a dorm writing boring English lit papers and going to frat parties.” He tries to joke, but I’m too tired to smile. “I have an idea where I would be.” His eyes drift above my head as he imagines the life he would live if we were free.
“You want to leave,” I say. The thought of him not wanting me crushes my chest. The one thing I’ve been holding on to this entire time is the fact that Dillan and I belong together. If that isn’t true, then my whole life is a lie. A juvenile fantasy that I’ve created in my head. I choke back my tears and try not to crumble to the floor.
Dillan feels my body give out and snaps back to reality. “If I had a chance to leave, one that wouldn’t disrupt the lives of people I care about, I would take it.” He looks at me with a sad expression. “But I can’t imagine any kind of life without you.” He takes both of my hands and holds them between us. “I love you, Kalysia. I know in my heart that it’s real.” His foots slips on a piece of glass and he lifts me into his arms and carries me to the living room.
He sets me down and we look towards the unlit fireplace. “What do we do now?” I pluck the threads on top of the sofa. I want to ask him if he loves Cassie, but the words are like razor cuts on my tongue. “I mean, what happens to us?”
Dillan shrugs and slowly shakes his head. “I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that.” Dillan hesitantly steps towards me. When I don’t back away, he steps closer. He takes my hand in his and I turn to face him. “Things would be so much easier if I didn’t have feelings for you.”
His words are like a kick to the chest. He doesn’t want to care for me. He doesn’t want to love me. Because he wants her.
He’s right, things would be so much easier if we didn’t care about each other. Then maybe I could walk away. We could walk away and not look back. But I do care. About the pack, and about Dillan. I wish this was easier. If I let him take me in his arms and kiss me. I can forget about the betrayal and the epic failure that is my life. For now.
And that is what I do. I place my hand on the side of Dillan’s face, he leans into my palm and closes his eyes. I guide his mouth towards mine. The kiss full of longing and heartache. I lead Dillan to the bedroom and we make love with more emotion, more love than ever before. It isn’t even about pleasure, although feeling Dillan inside me is like perfection. I don’t want this with anyone else. I only wish Dillan felt the same.
After we’ve finished, I lie in his arms and wonder if he held Cassie this way. Did he kiss her head and tell her she was amazing? Stop it, Kalysia. Thoughts like that will drive me crazy. I just want to enjoy this before I’m forced to deal with what to do next.
Dillan rubs my shoulder and kisses my head. “It’s ten-thirty,” he says.
I look at the clock. “So?”
“It’s New Year’s Eve; we should go to the lodge with the others. They’re expecting us.”
He’s right, but I don’t want to leave our bed. I don’t want to face the reality of our lives. I don’t want to see Cassie. Seeing Cassie will make it real, again. Right now, I’m happy pretending Dillan and I are the same two people we were in his tent at Lunam.
“Come on.” He sits up and I fall face first into the bed. His scent lingers in the sheets, mixed with the fabric softener the betas use. I sniff deeply; the smell is strong, much stronger than the faint smell I detected on Cassie’s sofa. “Let’s go, beautiful,” Dillan says as he pulls on his boxers. He opens the dresser and takes out a clean t-shirt, pulling it on with a huge smile on his face. Is it arrogance or ignorance that allows him to pretend he isn’t breaking my heart. Doesn’t he have any remorse at all? I can’t leave this room until I know exactly what happened between them.
“Before we go, I need to know if you were with her last night.” I pull the covers over my naked body.
Dillan reaches for the thermal pants we all wear under our clothing. “Was I with who last night?” He pulls them on along with his snow pants and zips them up.
“Cassie.”
Dillan sits on the edge of the bed with a confused expression. “Why do you think I was with Cassie?”
His attempt to play dumb is beginning to piss me off. “You pulled wine and chocolate from Hopi last night,” I say. I look at his hands. I wonder if Cassie’s hands fit in them as perfectly as mine. If her body tingles at his touch.
Dillan stands quickly and looks down at me. “You think I took wine for me and Cassie?”
“And chocolate,” I say quietly.
Dillan lets out a loud laugh. “The wine was for Rusty. I was trying to butter him up.”
“Rusty? Why?”
“Because I was hoping he would agree to mate with Cassie, so I wouldn’t have to.” Dillan looks at his feet, embarrassed.
I sit up to make sure I’m hearing him correctly. “Are you saying you haven’t slept with her?”
“Of course not!” He throws his hands in the air. “I would never cheat on you, Kalysia. The deal my father made with Conall was that I would give him an heir to their bloodline. I never planned to go through with it. I don’t want her, I want you.”
This is the first I’ve heard about any deals. “Lowell and Conall made a deal? Does this mean they have agreed to let us brew?”
Dillan stands, his face twisted in anger. “If Cassie and I have a child, Conall agreed to merge the packs.”
Holy shit. That is huge. If Dillan and Cassie have a child, it will carry both bloodlines, and be able to lead both packs. That means I’m off the hook. But where does that leave my parents? “Does Monte know about this?”
“I don’t think so. My father told me not to tell anyone. Not even you.”
“Oh,” I say quietly. “I’m glad you did.”
“Look, Kalysia, I never planned to go through with it. I only agreed so they would let Cassie come here, for you. I figured I would get one of the other alphas to take my place. Conall doesn’t care about my bloodline; he just wants an heir for his family.” Dillan pulls me in his arms. “Lowell is the one trying to vie for power. He wants to push Monte out. If I have a child with Cassie, our baby will be the link to merge the packs. Only it will be his heir, not Monte’s.”
I don’t know Monte that well, but I know he is a good leader and he has a good heart. That is why he won the power to lead over Lowell. Being a shrewd businessman doesn’t make you a great leader. It also doesn’t make you a great father. Lowell is a money-hungry mongrel and now he is trying to overthrow Monte. If I never pushed for Cassie to come here, this would have never happened. “So, this is all my fault?”
“Don’t say that. If you want to blame anyone, blame me. I should have opted out of Lunam. I thought about running, you know. Then I saw you. You looked as scared as I was. I thought you might be running away too. Then you fell and, well, you looked as unsure of it all as I did. I thought, if I match with her, it won’t be all that bad.”
I remember the moment he’s taking about. I was running, until I saw him. He was the reason I went back. He was the reason I went to Lunam in the first place. He is my soulmate. “We were meant to be together, Dillan. In some way, it was our destiny. We can help each other. We will do it together.” I repeat the words he said to me at Lunam.
Dillan kisses my cheek and squeezes me to him. “I’d like that. I just wish your brother was as understanding.”
“Did you expect him to just jump at the opportunity to sleep with Cassie?” I’m proud of Rusty for having some self-respect.
“Well, yeah,” Dillan laughs. “Most males in his situation would. But he’s, uh, different.” Dillan raises an eyebrow when he says this.
“What do you mean, different?”
Dillan smiles and runs his hand over his head. “Um, Cassie isn’t his type.”
“I don’t believe that. Cassie is gorgeous.” A sting of jealousy stabs my chest when I think of her now.
Dillan paces the room. “I mean, Rusty doesn’t find Cassie sexually attractive.”
“Maybe he prefers blondes or something.” I don’t see why Dillan is so worked up.
“No, he prefers men.”
Being raised in the human world, you learn sexual orientation isn’t a personal preference, it’s something a human is born with. I’m not so sure how it works in wolf packs when our entire being is based on breeding. “Will he be ok?” I worry about the others and how they will react if they find out.
“I’m ok with it, so they have no choice. But it isn’t something that is normally accepted. If he were in another pack, they could do something drastic.” Dillan doesn’t have to elaborate. I know the kinds of things homophobes do.
“Well, we have to protect him.” I stand up, ready to take on the world. Dillan’s eyes glide over my naked body. I pluck his dirty shirt from the floor and pull it on. “I’m serious; we have to keep his secret.”
“I’m not sure Rusty wants to keep it a secret. He’s happy with who he is and he doesn’t really care what others think. But his partner does.”
“He has a partner?”
“Yeah, but he won’t tell me who he is or if he’s even in our pack. I suspect he is, which is why he wouldn’t agree to mate with Cassie.” Dillan’s walkie beeps from the living room and we both jump. It isn’t like they can hear us, but you never know.
It’s Drake asking if we are on our way to the party. Dillan looks at me for final approval.
“Fine,” I say and stomp to the bathroom.
We arrive at the lodge forty-five minutes before midnight. Clio’s eyes grow wide when she sees us hand in hand. Everyone is here, even most of the betas, except for the few that are with the children. Most of the females are dressed in snow pants and fleece—it’s too cold for formal attire. Leah and Patsy are in jeans with high-heeled boots. Leah is wearing a low-cut blouse that crisscrosses in the front, complimenting her already tiny waistline, while Patsy is in a red cashmere sweater that looks one size too small. I spot Rusty in the corner with Tripp and Ray, doing shots. I look around the crowd and wonder if his partner is here tonight. Sid and Carrick join the guys for a shot and Rusty moves away. I wonder if Carrick knows about him, and that’s why they don’t get along. It’s possible, but I don’t think Carrick is the kind of guy that would keep it a secret. Carrick wouldn’t pass up an excuse to tease or bully my brother. He is the reason I need to protect him. Without me, who knows what will happen under someone else’s rules. With Dillan and me in charge, he will never have to worry about who he loves.
“Have you had enough wine for the night or should I get you a glass?” Dillan whispers with a smile.
“More, please.” I kiss his cheek and take off my coat. I hang it on a hook as he heads to the makeshift bar the guys have set up.
As soon as Dillan is out of earshot, Clio rushes to my side. “Is everything, are you—” she stammers.
“It’s fine. It was a misunderstanding.” I glance around, looking for Cassie. “Is she here?” Clio tells me she left about thirty minutes ago. “Good.”
Dillan returns with my wine and says hello to Clio. She lowers her eyes and mumbles happy New Year to him before walking away. “What’s her problem?”
I shrug and take a sip of my wine. It doesn’t go down as smoothly as it did earlier. “I’m going to get a snack, are you hungry?” Dillan kisses me and says he’s fine.
Leah has a fancy spread of cheese, salami, olives, and crackers on the table. She also unwrapped some snack cakes we give the kids for dessert and placed them on a plate. The last New Year’s party I went to was with Layla and Miles. His company threw a big party at one of the Vegas hotels. I snuck too much champagne, and as the crowd counted down the last thirty seconds until midnight, I was puking in a potted plant in the back of the room. To me, New Year’s Eve marked one year closer to my inevitable destiny. I guess it was the same for everyone here. It’s finally up to me, to us, to make the best of the lives we’ve chosen. We may have been born into this life, but we went to Lunam willingly. We all want to be here. Even me.
“Two minutes!” Drake announces. He checks his watch with the large clock on the wall.
I scan the room for Dillan. I’ll be damned if I miss my first New Year’s kiss. I see everyone moving in the direction of their mates. Suddenly, the door opens and a gust of cold air invades the room. Everyone turns to see who it is. Cassie looks apologetically at the group and quickly closes the door. I used to feel bad when she walked into a room full of condescending eyes, but tonight, for the first time, I feel nothing. The urge to protect her is gone. She knows why she came here, and she let me believe it was for my benefit. She’s on her own now.
Dillan appears quickly by my side, with Clio not far behind him. “You ok?” he whispers in my ear then looks back at Clio. “Do you need something?”
“Uh...” She locks eyes with me. “Um, no,” she tells him then walks back to Tripp and the others.
“She’s acting weird, right?”
I tell Dillan she was worried about me earlier because of my cold. He lets it go as the countdown begins.
“Ten, nine, eight…”
Even I join in.
“Seven, six, five…”
I see Cassie cross the room to join us.
“Four, three, two, one!”
The room explodes with joy. Dillan pulls me into his arms and kisses me softly on the lips. “Happy New Year, Kalysia.” He pulls me into his arms and muffles the sound of the room. “I love you,” he whispers into my hair.
I pull back and say the first words that come to mind. “I love you.” Dillan’s eyes sparkle as he leans in and kisses me again. This is going to be our year. The year we decide our fate, our future.
The pack is hooting and whistling. Drake shoves a glass of champagne in my hand and we toast. “To family,” Drake says and clinks Dillan’s glass.
“To family,” the room echoes.
I turn to clink glasses with Leah and then Patsy. When I turn to my right, Cassie is waiting to greet me. “Happy New Year.” She offers me a one-armed hug. I don’t hug her back. Clio stands behind Cassie, watching my reaction. She looks ready to pounce on my command. It’s nice to know she has my back. All I have to do is say the word and Cassie is gone. But I won’t. Not yet.
“Happy New Year,” I tell her, and then turn to see Dillan watching our exchange. The anger I felt earlier has diminished. Watching Cassie give Dillan a hug causes something different altogether. Something worse than anger. Pain. Dillan is polite, but quick to move away. I’m grateful for his tact. I can’t be in the same room as her right now. I leave Cassie in the middle of Leah and Clio to get my coat. Dillan sees me and nods. He is saying goodnight to the others when Rusty taps my shoulder.
