Only The Trees Know, page 9
Her mouth fell open. Probably because I stubbornly talked about it when I knew I was being recorded. Seemingly not worried about the consequences, because I wasn’t. In the scheme of my current life, my dad’s threats were minor. He had to get to me first.
Then her surprise shifted and she gave me a slant-eyed glare. Her eyes were still wet and glassy. She turned her gaze to the camera. When she looked back at me her voice was hard. “Josiah, stop.”
I wasn’t going to back down from this. She’d come here to tell me—or ask me— to protect her, when she had to know there was no way that I could. Basically, she wanted me to shut up and take the guilt and live with it. All while she protected him. And then she expected me not to say a word of criticism about it.
No, thank you.
“Why did you bother coming here if you don’t want to be honest?”
Suddenly I felt tired and empty, as if everything had drained out of me. I had nothing left to give. The depth of my soul had been plumbed, and I’d found myself lacking. I was just… nothing.
I’d become depressed inside jail, had been for a while even before my arrest. The heaviness of it, like a lead weight that pressed me down into the ground, made it hard to deal with anything beyond daily survival. Normally I could ignore it. Go to a different place in my head and pretend that the pressing anxiety wasn’t driving me insane. Now, faced with the reality of my family, it all felt like too much.
“You know your father tries,” she said, tears in her eyes again. Her words felt like a slap in the face.
“He doesn’t try,” I shouted, knowing I shouldn't have let my anger explode. It was just that I was sick of the bullshit and the lies. So I broke.
I spooked the guard standing by the door. He got restless, taking a step toward me. “Everything okay?” He asked it like he didn’t care either way, he just wanted me to shut up.
My mom began to cry again. This time it looked real. She shook her head, turning away from me.
I took a moment to calm myself, then I said to the guard. “Yeah, it’s fine. Sorry.”
He glared at me looking unconvinced. I wondered if he was going to come forward in spite of my reassurance. “Another outburst like that and you’ll go back to your cell.”
I nodded. “Okay. It’s cool, man. It’s cool.”
He stepped back to the wall and kept his gaze on me.
My mother stared into space when I looked back at her. “Mom?”
“It's made me think a lot about death,” she said.
I furrowed my brow. I was used to her random non-sequiturs, but my brain was sluggish with lack of sleep and stress. “Which thing, Grandpa’s passing or the trial?”
“Both.”
“Okay?” I wasn’t sure what to make of that. The silence stretched and I hoped she’d explain, though the longer I sat here the more I realized that I didn’t really care. She made me feel unsettled and this was the worst place to have those types of feelings. She could leave, and I couldn’t. I’d have to go back to my cell and try to get my shit together without giving myself away.
“Those kids died, Josiah.”
Cold snaked through my body, icing my veins. As if her words had given me permission, I looked imaginary Liam’s way. He was with me all the time now, even though I’d gotten good at ignoring him.
Our eyes met. He had the pleading look he always did. His kind face pulled into serious lines, as if he knew I wasn’t going to talk to him again. I couldn’t here. That could only be done in the dark, in the quiet, when I knew I was alone.
I turned back to my mom. The words, when they came, twisted me up inside even more, “I know they died.”
“Isn’t that sad? Their parents won’t ever see them again.”
I strangled back my response, not wanting to bring the guard. After a breath, I said, “Mom, they died over a year ago. Yes, I’m sad. But saving my own life is my priority. I’m sorry if I sound like I don’t care.”
None of my inner turmoil showed. I wasn’t going to break. I hadn’t in all this time, and I wouldn’t now. Even as I outwardly showed no agitation, her words cut, digging into my soul. When I allowed myself to think about all I had lost, it left me feeling disjointed and hollow.
Liam leaned in close to me and whispered, “I love you.”
I ignored him. I knew I shouldn’t have acknowledged him in the first place. It always gave him permission to taunt me. My throat worked and I managed to swallow back some of the pain his words brought.
“Don’t you love me?” he asked. “I miss you so much.”
And my traitorous heart cracked. Damn him. He always knew the way to wound me. To twist me around until I was putty in his hands. He made me dance whenever he so much as gave me a half smirk. He’d always wanted me to be open and honest with my feelings, even if I didn’t know what those were. And here I was still going on my knees for him even though the saner part of me knew he was dead.
In a way, I didn’t feel the devastating loss that my mother spoke of. Liam had never left me, just as he’d promised. I liked that he’d kept that vow. He was still my secret. The lost part of me that kept me sane. I’d begun to count on seeing him. Hearing his voice helped me to remember who I was. Even if it also made me vulnerable.
I told my mother, “I’m sure you’re not here to talk about them.” It was time to be done with this conversation. She’d delivered the news of my grandfather and I didn’t want to accompany her on this turn down memory lane.
My mother leaned forward. She whispered into the phone, “I know, Josiah.”
The way she said, “I know” made my blood run cold. I swallowed, hesitating. “What do you think you know?”
“Your secret,” she said. “I can’t protect you. I came here to warn you.”
I blinked. She’d never protected me.
“If you go to trial—they’ll find out. He’ll find out.” Her voice cracked.
“What are you talking about?” I was still unsure of what she was saying. The way she acted frightened me. What exactly did my mentally absent mother think she knew? It had to be terrible if she thought she had to come here to warn me.
She took a deep breath. “You and Liam weren’t as sneaky as you thought you were.”
And my world stopped spinning. That was how it felt, as if I was jolted to a stop on a tilt-a-whirl and that nauseousness that comes from a body and head not being in sync, hit me like a freight train. I almost vomited right there.
Oh, God. She knew we’d hooked up. I’d been so careful.
Even now this was about her reputation and how, if I was outed, the fallout would affect her. I’m sure my father would find a way to blame her somehow. And I was just as guilty of worrying about myself.
“You can’t let it come up at trial,” she said. “You can’t let your father know.”
I didn’t know what to say. It was possible that my father had faced the same thing. Knowing my grandfather, I’m sure he had. My father wasn’t exactly as straight as he professed. That too was a secret that I shouldn’t know. I was convinced that he hated me so much because I lived the life he wished he could.
I knew the consequences as well as she did. If my grandfather was gone, and if I managed to beat the charges, there would be no one to help me if my dad found out. I wanted to tell her to shut up, to keep what she knew to herself. Except that would be just as good as admitting it. And I would never do that. It was too important to keep my secrets, as she clearly knew.
“We’re done here.” I hung up the phone.
She didn’t look particularly surprised that I ended the conversation. Retreat was what I did the best. In this case, I needed to get away before I made a fool of myself. Speaking with her had left me disoriented and I had to get a hold of myself before I returned to my cell.
I called for the guard to take me back.
My mother watched as I left.
Chapter Thirteen
THEN…
SENIOR YEAR, EARLY SPRING
The group was already eating when I strolled up to our spot on campus. We always ate lunch beneath a large cottonwood at the far end of the field. At this corner, the school butted up against a strip mall. There was a chain link fence that delineated the barrier, keeping us locked inside like animals. Last year we’d picked this spot with the intention of being as far away as we could from our idiot classmates. Now our reputation was healthy enough that people avoided us. Though they’d had no problems coming to buy from Parker if they needed a bump.
I threw myself on the ground near Parker and as far away as I could from Liam and Zoe. Not that they noticed. Their faces were stuck together, connected by their tongues shoved down the other’s throat.
It was enough to make me gag. Yes, I was pissed. I had been for months. I pointedly looked away, hiding my disgust.
For the most part, I pretended their relationship didn’t affect me. That I didn’t care that they were fucking each other as often and as loudly as possible. Even when I boiled inside to the point where I knew if I didn’t get a handle on it, it would inevitably explode.
An unease surrounded the four of us. The conflict between Liam, Zoe, and I was obvious. I was pissed off at Parker for owing me money. There was also the situation between Parker, Liam and Zoe. I was unaware of what had caused the conflict, and I didn’t ask. The fact that none of us were talking to each other made sitting together awkward. We’d been in this standoff for so long that it was clear no one knew how to fix it.
“Got anything good for lunch?” Parker asked me, looking pointedly at my bag. He’d already demolished his, not eating the contents but rather rearranging them in deconstructed piles in front of his folded legs. It looked like a lunchroom massacre. Only the sandwich sat untouched in a plastic zip bag.
His question broke my attention away from the happy couple. I shrugged, then tossed my lunch sack into Parker’s lap, a move I’d done countless times and did now without thought. I hadn’t bothered to look what was packed inside. Lucia never made anything I would eat anyway. It was easier to trade or to buy something.
Parker picked up his sandwich and threw it to me in exchange.
I accepted it with a grunt.
“You going to class, man?” Parker asked as he yawned and stretched and then proceeded to take apart the lunch I’d given him. “I’m done with this crap today. Wanna go smoke a bowl?”
“Can’t.” I shook my head with regret, not that I really considered going with him. Smoking sounded better than class, but I didn’t want to hang out with him more than necessary. He could ruin my buzz faster than anyone else. “My parents are on my ass. The school called last week about my excessive absences. I need to lay off the ditching for a while.”
“So what? It’s not like they pay attention. Just intercept the call.”
I made an irritated noise. Even if he had a point, I resented Parker telling me how to run my life. It’s not like he had his together. He always sat on his ass and did as little as possible.
Which brought me to another point. “You got my cash?”
He turned his face away, but I saw the anger. His lips thinned and his eye started to twitch. “I’ll get it, don’t worry.”
As if I’d believe that. “You’re thousands in the hole, dude.”
“I got a plan, don’t worry about it.”
“You’ve been saying that for months.” I wasn’t going to pretend that I’d been patient, because I hadn’t. But as the days and total he owed had racked up, I’d found myself pissed off all the time. His “plans” always fell through. They were as empty as his promises. “I’m not giving you any more pills till you give me my money. I’m not running a charity.”
“I said I’ll get it,” Parker griped, his jaw tight.
I raised my eyebrow. He couldn’t bullshit a bullshitter and that was exactly what he tried to do. We stared each other down. He owed me and I wasn’t going to let it go just because he wanted me to shut up about it. That’s not the way it worked. I would get my money.
It had gone quiet around us and I belatedly realized Liam and Zoe had stopped kissing. Instead of minding their own business, they both listened in on our conversation with questioning expressions.
I glared at them.
Parker seemed to be as irritated as I was by their curiosity, asking them both, “What are you looking at?”
Zoe frowned and had the decency to flush.
Liam rolled his eyes and glared right back. He kept his mouth shut, though. Which was wise because I was sick of hearing anything he had to say. If he thought to get in my business right now, I’d—
I let that thought dissolve because there was nothing to do. That was the problem. There wasn’t much I could threaten when it came to Liam. I couldn’t ever seem to follow through with anything. I’d tried many times and this was a perfect example. I’d resolved to completely cut ties with him and yet, here I was eating lunch like nothing happened. All because I needed to see him in order to get my fix.
Liam looked away from Parker to focus on me, spearing me with an intense stare. His scrutiny never failed to make my skin warm and my belly stir. Although, now it was mostly because I was irritated. The tension between us was ridiculous. And somehow I’d gotten sucked into it once again. I shouldn’t have bothered coming to lunch.
I opened my eyes wider, letting my eyebrows rise—daring him. No matter how much I goaded, he never came out and said what he was really thinking. Though we’d both been invested in our relationship, we never discussed what had split us. If we put into words what we both felt, it would make it too unbearable to be apart. Plus, I doubted the truth was something either of us could manage.
The war we were engaged in since our breakup had started silent, and now was bordering on contentious. I couldn’t help baiting him, hoping that I could get him to react. I knew how to make him hurt. But he knew how to make me crazy as well. We both took shots where we were most vulnerable.
Hurting him didn’t make me feel better. It did little to soothe the fear that maybe I’d made a mistake. I also worried that we were being too obvious and that the others would start to question our friendship or the reason for the lack of it.
Zoe couldn’t let the tension between us go. She’d made no secret how jealous she was of me, of him, of… I don’t know what, because I didn’t understand her at all. She inched her body closer to Liam, so that her side was flush against him, and gave me a scathing look.
The fact that she was with Liam now made me sick. I’d spent too much time thinking about it. That she directed her anger towards me, was the last straw. I didn’t care what she thought. What bothered me was that Liam allowed it. He’d brought her into this three-way relationship and then allowed her to treat me with disrespect.
“We need to plan for spring break. It’s our last one together. We should make it memorable.” Liam’s statement was so out of left field that it was enough to break the tension.
I looked at him, squinting, trying to decide if he was serious. We were barely on speaking terms. The last thing I wanted to do was go on vacation with them.
Zoe lay herself onto Liam’s lap. She reached up and threaded her fingers through his hair. “I don’t care what we do as long as I’m with you.”
I gagged, making sure it was loud and sarcastic.
Parker laughed, kicking me with his foot before asking Liam, “What do you have in mind? Drinking in Mexico?”
I couldn’t understand why we were discussing this. Regardless of plans, and even though we hated each other, we’d still hang out over spring break anyway. But I didn’t want to make a point of it because that would be like admitting that I didn’t have a life outside them.
“I thought we could hike Yosemite,” Liam said, he leaned forward as his voice filled with excitement.
“Hiking?” I couldn’t think of anything worse to do with my time.
Parker must have felt the same way. “How is that better than getting drunk and naked in Cabo?”
I nodded. “Boobs.”
“Naked boobs,” Parker agreed, giving me a fist bump.
“You both are assholes,” Zoe said with her mouth pinched in disgust.
“You’re mad because no one wants to see your tits,” Parker said.
“Liam does.”
Jealousy flared, nearly stealing my breath. I didn’t understand the two of them at all, most especially Liam. I might shun labels, but he identified as gay, not bi. There was no way he was really into her. Maybe if he liked her for real I could get over this. It was clear that he was only screwing her because he was mad at me. Perhaps he would have made his sexuality public if it hadn’t been for me. There was no way that I could spend as much time alone with him if he’d been out.
“Come on, man, don’t talk to her like that,” Liam said.
“Stop defending her,” Parker shot back.
I agreed with Parker. She shouldn’t be hanging out with us and I didn’t understand why she was still there. We’d successfully gotten rid of Kendall by making fun of her so hardcore that she’d stopped coming around, so why did Zoe grow like mold? It should be obvious that if we didn’t want her friend to hang with us, we didn’t want Zoe either.
Zoe seemed to love Liam defending her. She caused enough problems to provide him the opportunity, and he seemed equally as willing to jump in. It sickened me to watch Zoe with him, smirking and blushing. She didn’t used to be that way. When we’d screwed around, she’d had her own opinions about things. It annoyed me that in the last few months she’d morphed into a weird extension of Liam. She’d started wearing blue, because it was his favorite color. And she began to watch football because that’s how he spent his Sundays. And she laughed at his jokes, which were often beyond stupid and not worthy of a pity laugh. They touched each other constantly. Like their bodies had affixed together to create a conjoined monster. She never made up her mind anymore without looking to him first for reassurance.
It was heinous.
“I’m serious about hiking Yosemite,” Liam said.
